June 11, 2024

#38: Why There is So Much Cheating in the Gay Community

21 minutes

Infidelity is one of the most challenging issues that can arise in a relationship. It can leave the betrayed partner feeling hurt, angry, and confused. The emotional struggle after your partner commits infidelity can be overwhelming, and it is important to know how to handle it in a healthy way.

I get it, you're probably thinking I am absolutely crazy for telling you this because the pain you are currently experiencing or experienced is very raw and real. I get it, I'm a 3rd party person telling you to process thing in a 'healthy way," so I probably sound like every other life/love coach right now, but here me out.

If you decide to work on the relationship, which is COMPLETELY up to you, holding on to resentment and frustration will not get you anywhere. There will be 0 progress and you will have prolonged a process that could have ended the day you found out. Forgiveness is key and in order to forgive, you'll need to be sure of yourself and your worth. Now I know you much be thinking, "If I knew my worth, I wouldn’t stick around," and for many people that is the truth… but acknowledging that people DO make mistakes and accepting that THIS could be one of those situations involves self-awareness, compassion, and understanding.

The challenge that you are met with is something I call "perception deception." You are looking at the same person but you view them differently. That is very hard for your mind and heart to process. The person you trusted more than anyone else in the world. The person you told ALL your secrets to. The person who knew your pain on an intimate level is now no different than all the other people that hurt you in the past. So, how to you move past that? How do you continue to see them as the person you love and trust?

The answer: You don’t.

They will have to regain your trust and love but here's the thing, they are still the same person you fell in love with. In my years of coaching, it is rare that I have come across someone that INTENTIONALLY cheated to hurt their partner. If they did, it is usually because they were hurt as well in the relationship and didn’t feel loved or prioritized. People cheat because there is something missing in the relationship, they don’t have good coping skills, they struggle with insecurities, they have previous trauma that results in them struggling with vulnerability, and the list goes on.

Why do I mention this? The cheating is a symptom of the disease, not the disease itself. Someone who cheats can recognize the error of their ways and change. I don’t believe in the phrase, "once a cheater always a cheater" or "if they shenan once, they'll shenanigan." So, as a love and self-esteem coach, I have seen firsthand the devastating effects of infidelity on relationships. While it is normal to experience a range of emotions after discovering infidelity, it is important to take steps to address these feelings and work towards healing and forgiveness.

Chapters:

Intro