Husbands, Draw Her Back: Order of Operations

Gentlemen, you have likely heard that you are meant to be the leader of your home. You've likely heard it from the pulpit, maybe from your own family. We know there's been some confusion around that in culture, asking men to take a back seat or not be as assertive and lead–even though it is their God-given design. But we fully believe that it is the biblical design for men and that it is good for men to take up their role. And you likely have a deep sense that this is how it's meant to be as well.

But what happens when the people you are meant to lead... aren't following?

Your family. Particularly, your wife.

What if you are doing all the right things–trying to make good decisions for your family, trying to make sure they are safe, healthy, and provided for, trying to think of the future and what is going to be needed...and your wife is just disregarding it all. In fact, she's trying to take the reins and lead herself. Maybe it even feels like she's trying to make you obsolete.

In this episode, we are diving into why women often feel the need to control and how you as a husband can help shift the culture of your home, draw her back, and have the marriage you've always wanted–with a wife that trusts you, supports you, and is cheering you on.

A Tale of Two Marriages

If you have been around Delight Your Marriage a while, you might know part of the back story–married very young, determined to be a submissive wife, did everything a good Christian woman is supposed to do.

And yet there was discord. There was quarreling. There was strife. There was even competition. There was a feeling of never being good enough, let alone cherished.

There ended up being a filing for divorce (something to plead the blood of Jesus over) and walking away from God for a period of time. The hurt was severe. Everything had been done right, how did it go so wrong?

Then came meeting Darrow. Even in dating, it was so different than anything before. After years of feeling uneasy, uncared for, and on edge– there was finally safety.

Yes, physical safety, but also emotional safety. Safe to share and not be ridiculed. Safe to express emotion and it be received with steadiness, patience, and kindness. Safe to be fully open and not be mocked or shamed.

That tenderness and kindness brought safety. And that safety led to trust.

How to Lead a Leader

As marriage went on, certain things arose. He wasn't taking as much initiative as before. He wouldn't get things done that needed to get done. He wasn't leading.

But this time it was different. There was a realization: He actually didn't have permission to lead. It had not fully been given to him. There was still control, and that made him feel angry and apathetic, like "Why even try?"

So, the response changed. No more steering the ship. No more hands on the reins. He is the leader. And now, there is so much more happiness and rest.

But it was only because he had shown his character–that he is a trustworthy person, that he is safe–that there was even confidence to be able to allow him to lead.

That confidence was not there in the first marriage. There was no safety. There was fear and unrest, and so control was the answer.

Think of an animal that feels scared–is the best way to get them to follow you to continue being tough and assertive? Or is it to show that you are gentle and they will be safe with you?

So, What Needs To Happen First To Draw Your Wife Back?

So then, what draws your wife back? It looks something like this:

Establish Safety

She must be emotionally, spiritually, and physically safe. She is safe to open up. She is safe to express. She knows she is going to be accepted fully as she is.

What if you can't accept her fully as she is? What if you are waiting for her to change and then, you can fully love her? If that is where you're at, consider what Christ did for you.

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." - Romans 5:6-8 (NIV)

Christ did not wait for us to be perfect in order to love us. And if you, men, are called to love your wives as Christ loved the church, it means loving her always, no matter the circumstance.

Love her regardless and establish that safety.

Grow in your relationship with Christ. Truly exemplify the fruit of the Spirit (remember patience :)).

Slowly Reestablish Jesus-Like Leadership

In all things, lead from love. If you have great leadership, but have not love, it is "but a clanging cymbal" (1 Cor. 13:1)

For more insight on drawing your wife back, take a listen to today's podcast.

A Final Encouragement

Dear men, we want you to take up the mantle of leadership. In your workplaces, in your churches, in your families.

But your wife needs safety first. She needs to know that she can trust you.

Just like that gentle animal we spoke about before–will yelling and pressuring build safety and trust? No.

Ask the Lord to show you in what you have built trust in the past. Then, ask Him to show you how you have broken trust. Finally, ask Him how you can rebuild trust again and create a culture of safety. It is worth it, dear gentleman. The time and effort are worth it.

If we can help in a more specific way, speaking more directly to your personal marriage, we would love to do so through our Coaching programs.

We are rooting for you, gentleman!

With love,

The Delight Your Marriage Team

PS - If you're ready to get more personalized coaching that will bring life and safety back into your marriage, we would love to chat with you. Schedule a free Clarity Call with one of our Clarity Advisors (who have been in your shoes) and discover what next steps look like for you.

PPS - Here's a quote from a recent graduate: "Through the DYM program my marriage went from a hopeless pit of despair to a God-honoring home of safety and love."