Maybe today find yourself in that crazy busy time of life: raising toddlers. It’s that endless flow of diapers, trying to get kids to sleep properly, picky eating, piles of laundry, their boundless energy and so on and so forth. The question is: how do you even begin to create time and energy for your marriage in this stage of life?

I understand how this stage goes — dealing with the frayed nerves and seemingly endless to-do list that comes with having young children, while juggling other responsibilities like careers or the ever-increasing needs of elderly parents. And it makes sense that you’re reading this post because you know that the strain that this stage can impose on marriage is significant.

I’m glad you’re being proactive about it.

Understanding the Toddler Stage of Parenting and Marriage

It’s worth covering the typical scenario so you understand that your reality is normal and common and so you know you’re not alone.

This is often called the “Sandwiched” stage of life because in addition to caring for young children you may also be caring for parents. So you’re stuck between the two. Or even if your parents are able, the same issues apply.

We went through this a little younger but many people in this stage are in their mid 40’s, both are working full time, have 2 young children living at home, are also caring for 2 aging parents (usually with activities like shopping, transportation, housekeeping and money management). They spend about one working day a week caring for elderly parents, with the wife usually spending a couple more hours per week than the husband in this role[i].

This can definitely be a difficult time. Research shows that there are a number of possible negative consequences, including:

Greater instances of depressive symptoms in both husband and wife [ii]

Greater conflict between work and home life[iii]

Higher rates of burnout[iv]

Decreased ability to save financially, such as for children's college fund[v]

Difficulty finding time for yourself/spending time with your partner[vi]

Difficulty maintaining a social life due to having to be constantly "on call"[vii]

Many sandwiched couples feel like they are caught in a "tug of war" with their time and energy being pulled in different directions. Often couples find that their own health suffers (in terms of getting enough sleep, time to look after yourself properly etc) and you end up putting your parents/children's needs first[viii].

So there’s a LOT going on. Lots of activity. Lots of responsibilities and only a finite number of hours in the day!

Busy Doesn’t Mean Your Marriage is Doomed

We’re going to talk about some specific coping strategies in a minute but I just wanted to stop and address this issue of busyness.

First of all make sure you check out episode 114, where we specifically look at the question, is it possible to have a hectic life and a happy marriage?

What you need to know is that just because your marriage is busy and you don’t have as much time for each other, that doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed.

I just want to make that point because it’s very easy to get into the place of seeing yourselves not have time for each other and starting to give meaning to that lack of time that is not actually valid. For example, you have less and less time, so you start to interpret that as your husband not caring. Or, your wife is always tired and exhausted so you start to internalize the belief that she isn’t interested in you any more, you’re not attractive, or whatever. And the reality is that your spouse's views of you or the marriage probably haven’t changed at all — this is just a busy phase of life!

But when you have these destructive beliefs starting to form, confirmation bias can kick in and then your brain is starting to gather evidence to confirm the belief. So the more you start to think something, the more you start seeing evidence for it and the more you end up belie...