If you’ve ever found yourself caught in a frustrating cycle of trying to quit pornography, only to relapse days or weeks later, you’re not alone. Many people experience this pattern, often feeling like it’s a lack of willpower. But what if your struggle isn’t about willpower at all? What if it’s about a brain that’s been rewired to crave the very things you’re trying to escape?

As licensed counselors specializing in human psychology and relationships, we understand the profound challenges people face. Our goal is to offer empathetic, research-based wisdom to help you navigate these complex issues. Today, we’re unpacking the science behind addiction, the insidious role of shame, and the deeper emotional needs that often drive this behavior. We believe everyone can benefit from healing from addiction.

A common question we hear, both from individuals and their partners, is “What were you thinking?” in moments of relapse. The surprising truth is, often, they weren’t thinking rationally. In the grip of addiction, the part of your brain that desires the behavior becomes profoundly disconnected from the part that sees and weighs the consequences. This means that while you might fully commit to stopping when you’re calm, in the moment of craving, your rational brain is essentially offline.

At the core of this disconnect lies the mesolimbic dopamine pathway, often called the brain’s “wanting” system. Located in the primitive midbrain and extending to the forebrain, this pathway is responsible for the intense “hit” or “high” associated with addictive behaviors. When you engage with pornography, dopamine is released in the nucleus accumbens, creating a powerful reward signal. Over time, your brain becomes less responsive to this dopamine hit, requiring more frequent, longer, or more intense exposure to achieve the same effect. This is why usage often escalates and, crucially, your brain also becomes less responsive to natural, healthy rewards.

This primitive brain activity doesn’t stop there. The amygdala, our brain’s emotional center, becomes connected to this pathway, linking stress and negative emotions with the dopamine release. Pornography effectively “medicates” these difficult feelings by flooding the brain with “happy chemicals.” Furthermore, the hippocampus, where memories are stored, plays a key role through what we call euphoric recall. This isn’t just recalling the act itself, but the excitement, anticipation, and perceived discovery associated with past use. It’s the brain’s way of reinforcing the behavior, making you feel excited about returning to it, much like anticipating a new date or a fun activity.

In stark contrast to these primitive reward circuits is the prefrontal cortex, the front of your brain responsible for higher-level thinking, decision-making, impulse control, and problem-solving. This is the part that helps you regulate behavior and weigh consequences – telling you that looking at porn might not be a good idea, or suggesting healthier alternatives like a jog or spending time with loved ones. In addiction, the prefrontal cortex becomes significantly impaired. The neural pathway between this rational, consequence-aware part and the desire-driven mesolimbic pathway weakens, or even disconnects entirely. This explains why, in moments of relapse, individuals often report feeling like they “weren’t thinking” or “just didn’t care anymore.”

When caught in this cycle, the primitive, desire-driven circuits dominate, overpowering the complex, rational ones. Breaking free requires a dual approach. First, it’s crucial to deprive the mesolimbic dopamine pathway of its unhealthy highs. This means abstinence from pornography so your brain can re-attune to normal, healthy pleasures. Secondly, and equally vital for relapse prevention, is actively building and strengthening the neural pathway between the desire for pornography and the awareness of its negative consequences. For some, this might involve consciously reminding themselves of the fallout in moments of craving. In therapy, we use techniques like brain spotting to literally help rewire these connections, linking the desire with the real-life consequences and ultimately, with an ideal, sober future. This work helps diminish the intense craving, allowing for the restoration of normal intimacy and connection.

Shame plays a profound and often counterintuitive role in perpetuating pornography addiction, especially for those who experience strong moral incongruence – feeling that porn use goes against their core values. Many try to use shame as a motivator to stop, believing that self-punishment will deter future use. “If I beat myself up enough,” the thinking goes, “I’ll finally quit.”

However, this strategy backfires. Pornography can actually be a maladaptive coping mechanism for shame. The images often present an illusion of desire and validation, acting as an “antithesis” to feelings of worthlessness. Yet, after the act, the shame returns, often intensified. This creates a vicious cycle: you feel bad, you use porn to temporarily alleviate the feeling, you feel worse afterwards, and then you use porn again to cope with the increased shame. Shame also thrives in secrecy, pushing individuals further into isolation and perpetuating the very behavior they wish to stop. It’s a painful paradox: the intended “painkiller” becomes the very source of the escalating pain.

Often, individuals rationalize pornography use by saying, “I’m just horny.” While sexual arousal is certainly part of the experience, this simplistic explanation often masks deeper psychological truths. The euphoric recall system can trick your brain into associating uncomfortable feelings with sexual arousal, making you believe that addressing your “horniness” will solve the underlying issue. This promotes a sense of helplessness, as if the drive is an unstoppable force.

Culturally, there’s also a prevalent, yet often inaccurate, script that “men need release,” equating sex drive with basic biological needs like hunger. Unlike food, which is essential for survival, you won’t die without ejaculating. The body has natural mechanisms, like nocturnal emissions, to manage sexual tension. Believing these cultural myths lowers inhibition and rationalizes the addiction, leading to a cycle of seeking relief in unhealthy ways.

What’s truly going on beneath the surface of “just horny” is often a deeper, valid longing that goes unmet. These longings manifest as uncomfortable feelings such as loneliness, sadness, anger, boredom, or grief for what’s missing in one’s life. Perhaps it’s a longing for genuine connection, deep friendships, or a more intimate relationship with a partner. When these legitimate emotional needs are unaddressed, pornography steps in as a distorted, short-term “solution” to medicate the discomfort. It distracts you from the pain of isolation or unmet intimacy, but ultimately, it leaves you feeling more disconnected.

It’s crucial to understand that these underlying feelings are valid, and there’s no shame in experiencing them. They are signals from your body and mind, prompting you to seek healthy ways to meet your needs.

The path to true healing involves acknowledging these deeper longings and finding wholesome, healthy ways to fulfill them. This means actively working to desexualize your need for connection. Instead of turning to pornography, focus on building and curating genuine relationships with real people. This includes fostering emotional intimacy with a partner, deepening friendships (not just through texts or social media, but in-person or via meaningful calls), and actively engaging in community. Whether it’s a sports team, a hobby group, or a faith community, re-establishing these connections helps address the core needs that pornography attempts to medicate. By investing in these positive, shame-free relationships, you build a foundation of true well-being and lasting recovery.

Breaking free from pornography addiction is a journey that involves understanding your brain, dismantling shame, and addressing underlying emotional needs. It’s about empowering yourself to make choices that lead to genuine connection, wholeness, and a thriving life.If you’re ready to take the next step towards healing, our team of licensed counselors at Therapevo Counseling is here to support you. We offer expert, empathetic guidance for individuals, couples, and families navigating relationship challenges, mental health, and personal growth. You can connect with us via secure video call and even schedule a free consultation to begin your transformational journey. Visit therapevo.com today.

What if the struggles you face today are actually signs of childhood trauma you never knew you had? When we think of trauma, we often picture extreme events. But it’s possible that the persistent big emotions, the relentless perfectionism, or the constant people-pleasing you’ve experienced for years are actually signs of something deeper rooted in your past.

In this post, we’re going to uncover the hidden signs of childhood trauma that frequently manifest in adult life. These can include anxiety that never fades, the nagging feeling that you’re never good enough, or constantly overthinking relationships. You’ll learn the surprising ways unresolved trauma can affect your emotions, body, behavior, relationships, self-worth, and even your career. Most importantly, we’ll discuss how you can begin your healing journey with tools backed by psychology and compassion.

This isn’t about blame, nor is it meant to shame. Our goal is to empower you to understand *why* you feel the way you do. Perhaps that lingering grumpiness, the tendency to “fly off the handle,” or those dysregulated emotional eruptions have a reason beyond simply being “you.” Once you connect these dots, you can begin to break the cycle and start your healing today.

Many adults navigate significant challenges in their relationships, work, and overall emotional well-being without ever realizing these issues stem from their childhood. Our discussion aims to foster self-awareness and compassion for what you may be experiencing.

Childhood trauma isn’t limited to what we might call “Big T” traumas – severe events like a car accident, a house fire, or experiencing violent crime. While these are undoubtedly traumatic, many distressing experiences that happen to us as children can also constitute “small t” traumas. These might be sudden moments of abandonment when a parent wasn’t there when you needed them, even something as seemingly innocuous as getting lost in a supermarket. In such a moment, the child’s world, which they thought was safe and reliable, can feel shattered, even if no one was physically harmed and help eventually arrived. This experience, while not a “Big T” trauma, can still be deeply traumatic in how it’s experienced and stored.

A significant portion of trauma also stems from what are known as Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). These come from extensive research and include a list of 10 specific experiences:

It’s estimated that about 47% of people have experienced at least one ACE, with roughly 10% having four or more. The more ACEs an individual has experienced, the higher the likelihood that the impacts will manifest as symptoms in their adult life.

This conversation matters because it helps reduce the shame often associated with these struggles. When you understand that there’s a reason for your current behaviors or emotional patterns, it lessens self-blame. Instead of thinking “there’s something wrong with me,” you can begin to say, “this is why I’m doing this.” Once you’re aware of the root, you can then take steps towards healing. It’s crucial to remember that we’re not here to blame anyone, especially for “small t” traumas that weren’t intentional but still had an impact. The focus is on self-awareness and empowerment.

Childhood trauma can manifest in various ways, often subtly weaving its way into our adult lives. Recognizing these signs is the first step towards healing.

Our bodies store trauma in the nervous system, even if our minds don’t consciously remember the events. This can manifest physically:

The impact of childhood trauma doesn’t just stay in the past; it reverberates through our adult lives, significantly affecting our relationships and daily functioning.

The good news is that healing is absolutely possible, and you are not broken beyond repair. Understanding your past is a powerful first step towards recovery.

Often, we haven’t told anyone our trauma story. While not everyone is equipped to hold your story with the sacred care it deserves, finding a safe, empathic listener is crucial. Someone who can genuinely say, “Man, that sucks,” or “I can’t imagine how hard that was for you,” can help you feel seen, validated, and heard. Being able to debrief and name your experiences in a safe space can significantly reduce the risk of PTSD and help resolve the trauma. For example, for years Caleb had recurring nightmares of being caught in public without pants. The memory of being a new kid in grade three, running late for gym class, and forgetting gym shorts – causing the whole class to laugh – was a small ‘t’ trauma that lived in the nervous system. Once this story was told to a safe person who validated the embarrassment, the nightmares stopped. Telling your story can be profoundly powerful.

Part of telling your story is letting go of the shame. When something feels shameful, we keep it secret. But acknowledging the impact trauma has had on you, and sharing it, helps release that shame. It’s vital to understand that trauma responses are not character flaws. There’s nothing “wrong” with you. These responses are often your body’s attempt to protect you or cope with overwhelming experiences, even if they’re unhelpful in the present. Embracing self-compassion for your body’s resilience and its attempts to cope or resolve itself is a key part of the healing process. Healing may be like peeling an onion. As you process one layer, another might emerge, but you don’t have to tackle everything at once. Healing takes time.

A significant understanding in the therapy world over recent years is that trauma cannot simply be “talked out” or “thought through” cognitively. Effective therapies generally involve safely and gently revisiting the experience, often from a more compassionate, mature perspective. This “bottom-up” processing allows the body and nervous system to process and consolidate memories, resolving the trauma so it no longer triggers big reactions or leaks into daily life.

Here are some evidence-based therapies proven effective for treating trauma:

When seeking a therapist, it’s highly recommended to ask about their specific trauma treatment modality. While many therapists are “trauma-informed,” meaning they understand trauma, you want someone who uses a specialized tool for treatment and resolution. Ask them to name an acronym you can research (like EMDR, SE, Brainspotting, EFIT, IFS, TF-CBT, DBT). Therapists often learn these specialized techniques after graduate school, as general education provides awareness but not specific treatment methods.

You are not broken, nor are you beyond repair. While you may feel wounded, healing is an innate capacity. Self-awareness is the key first step; once you recognize what’s happening, you can seek help and find healing. Remember, healing is a journey, not a destination. It’s about today being a little better than yesterday, taking small, consistent steps. Your body will also let you know when the next layer of healing needs attention, bringing it to the surface when you’re ready.

If this discussion has resonated with you and you’re ready to explore healing, please feel free to reach out to our counseling agency. You can find more information on our trauma page at therapevo.com. We prioritize matching individuals with therapists on our team who have the specific skill set to meet their needs. If your situation requires expertise we don’t possess, we’ll gladly refer you to a specialist. For us, ensuring you receive the right treatment is paramount. We offer all our work via Zoom video calls, making support accessible wherever you are.

Do you find yourself repeatedly involved with people who leave you feeling drained, confused, or questioning yourself? Have you ever wondered, “Why do I keep attracting toxic people?” If so, you’re not alone.

This question often places the blame squarely on your shoulders, leading to significant self-blame and shame, especially if you’ve been harmed repeatedly. But here’s the truth: It’s not just about who you passively attract. The real issue lies in how individuals with exploitative, manipulative, or abusive behaviors actively target specific vulnerabilities and even positive characteristics in others.

In this article, we’ll uncover the psychology behind these toxic relationship patterns. We’ll show you how manipulators identify and exploit vulnerabilities, reveal their subtle and overt tactics, and most importantly, provide you with research-backed tools to heal, build resilience, and break free from these cycles for good. This isn’t about blaming yourself; it’s about understanding the pattern, reclaiming your power, and learning how to choose healthier, happier connections.

The word “toxic” is frequently used, and in our profession, it generally refers to people who engage in harmful behaviors: exploitation, manipulation, abuse, or general disrespect. If you’re experiencing this, we want to shift the focus from the self-blaming question, “Why do I attract toxic people?”

The question “Why do I keep attracting toxic people?” places the onus entirely on the person who has been harmed. It implies that something is fundamentally wrong with you that draws these individuals in. This perspective can lead to deep shame and a feeling of being inherently flawed, especially if it’s a recurring pattern. People struggling with this often ask, “What is wrong with me?”—a truly difficult and painful place to be.

We want to shift away from the idea of passive attraction to focusing on how exploitative individuals actively target others. They aren’t just randomly showing up; they are often consciously or subconsciously seeking out specific traits and vulnerabilities. This means the responsibility for the manipulative or abusive behavior lies solely with the person exhibiting it, not the target.

The person who abuses or exploits is the one responsible for those actions. Understanding this is crucial because it takes the burden of blame off the person who has been targeted. While you may have vulnerabilities, the issue is their exploitation by someone else. As counselors, we believe you should be able to have your vulnerabilities, your challenges, your past experiences, and not be taken advantage of. You should be able to heal and exist in the world without fear of exploitation.

Consider a predator analogy. A bunny in a garden, happily eating, might ask, “Why do I attract hawks and coyotes?” This isn’t the right question because it implies the bunny is flawed. Bunnies are resilient and vital to the ecosystem. They aren’t inherently wrong for being bunnies.

A better question for the bunny is, “How can I be safer in this world, given there are predators, and I don’t have many defenses?” This shifts the focus from self-blame to understanding the environment and developing strategies for safety and resilience. Similarly, for humans, having vulnerabilities doesn’t make you flawed; it makes you human. The focus needs to be on understanding how to navigate relationships safely when exploitative people exist.

This is a critical point: Vulnerabilities are not personal defects or flaws. They often stem from past experiences like trauma, attachment injuries from early caregiver relationships, or even inherent personality traits like a high degree of empathy. To healthy people, these traits are often seen as positive. But to very unhealthy, exploitative people, they are seen as opportunities.

The issue is the exploitation of these vulnerabilities and qualities. Zero vulnerability is not a realistic or healthy goal. We want to empower you to heal, understand what’s happening, gain knowledge to protect yourself, and build relationships based on mutual respect and safety.

Targeting by exploitative individuals is rarely random. They often possess a keen sense for identifying sensitivities or unmet needs in others, seeking specific “targets” that make someone more susceptible to manipulation and control.

Manipulators are skilled at spotting opportunities. They may look for unmet needs from childhood, like a longing for attention or validation, or sensitivities developed through difficult life experiences. They then use this awareness not to nurture these needs, but to exploit them for their own gain. This targeting aspect is key.

Again, your vulnerabilities are not weaknesses. They are often psychological patterns or sensitivities from past experiences. Understanding this is part of recognizing the manipulator’s tactics, not blaming yourself. For example, someone who grew up with an emotionally unavailable parent might have a deep unmet need for affection. An exploitative person can sense this longing and “love bomb” them, providing overwhelming attention that feels comfortable but is ultimately used for manipulation.

Zero vulnerability is not the goal; being safe with your vulnerabilities is. You should be able to have the challenges life has handed you without someone taking advantage.

Based on research and clinical experience, here are some common vulnerabilities and traits that exploitative individuals often target:

These vulnerabilities are often interconnected. For example, a history of trauma might contribute to insecure attachment or low self-esteem, creating multiple points of potential exploitation.

Exploitative behavior isn’t just about who they target; it’s about how they do it. They have a playbook of tactics designed to erode self-worth, confuse reality, and create dependency. This is an active process involving observation, recognizing cues, and testing boundaries.

Toxic individuals are often skilled observers. They watch for signs of vulnerabilities. Once they identify a potential target, they begin testing boundaries. These might be small violations initially, just to see how the person responds. If there’s a “gap” or willingness to yield, they see an opening they can widen over time.

Here are some common tactics used by exploitative individuals:

Understanding these tactics helps you recognize what is happening and name the behaviors you are experiencing. This shifts the focus from “What is wrong with me?” to recognizing the unhealthy dynamic perpetrated by someone else.

The good news is that healing is possible, and you can break free from these patterns and build healthier relationships. This involves acknowledging the harm done, understanding the dynamics you’ve experienced, and putting active strategies in place to reclaim your personal power and prioritize your well-being.

Healing is a journey that involves more than just recognizing the problem. It’s about actively working on yourself to become more resilient and less susceptible to exploitation. While you can’t control the manipulator’s behavior, you can gain control over your response and your future choices.

Here are some research-backed strategies that can help you heal and build resilience:

It’s a challenging journey, but it leads to self-understanding, resilience, and the ability to build fulfilling relationships based on respect and safety, not exploitation. There is hope, and you can make these changes.

As you heal and begin to seek healthier connections, recognizing the signs of both unhealthy and healthy dynamics is crucial for making informed choices. It’s like learning to spot potential danger signs (red flags) and indicators of safety and respect (green flags).

Developing this ability allows you to trust your intuition and make decisions about who is safe to have in your life. You become more attuned to subtle cues, enabling you to protect yourself and move towards relationships that nourish rather than deplete you.

These behaviors or patterns signal potential danger or unhealthy dynamics:

These are the positive indicators of a healthy, respectful, and supportive relationship:

The key distinction is that green flags often involve active, constructive effort and the presence of positive qualities. Red flags, conversely, involve destructive actions or the absence of these positive qualities.

When looking for healthy relationships, adopt a dual focus: actively avoid the red flags AND actively seek out the green flags. Simply being free of red flags isn’t enough for a truly healthy connection; you need the presence of positive, supportive dynamics as well.

We’ve shifted the perspective from “Why do I attract toxic people?” to understanding how exploitative individuals actively target and exploit vulnerabilities in others. We emphasized that having vulnerabilities is not a flaw; it’s a human reality that shouldn’t be weaponized against you.

Understanding the dynamics of exploitation and the common tactics manipulators use is incredibly empowering. This knowledge helps you recognize unhealthy patterns early, spot the red flags you might have missed, and make informed choices to protect yourself. It builds your capacity to identify harmful situations before you are deeply enmeshed.

Addressing the underlying vulnerabilities—whether tied to self-worth, attachment patterns, past trauma, or codependency—is essential for long-term change. Healing work builds your resilience, reduces your susceptibility to exploitation, and enables you to choose and sustain healthier relationships. It’s the foundation upon which a safer relational future is built.

The path to breaking free from cycles of toxic relationships is a journey. It can be challenging, requiring effort and sometimes professional support, but it leads to profound self-understanding, increased resilience, and the capacity to build fulfilling relationships based on mutual respect, safety, and genuine connection. Professional and social support are invaluable resources.

You have the power to make changes and shift your relational trajectory towards a healthier future. We have seen many individuals who have been in very difficult, toxic environments slowly begin to change their contexts, their social networks, and their choices, moving towards workplaces and relationships that support and uplift them instead of tearing them down.

Understanding these dynamics and implementing these strategies takes time and effort, but it is absolutely possible. You deserve to feel safe, valued, and respected in your relationships. We are here if you need us. If you’d like to learn more or explore these topics in a safe space, please reach out via our contact page.

The discovery of a partner’s betrayal can instantly shatter your world, leaving you reeling with shock, disbelief, and profound pain. This isn’t an exaggeration; it’s a deep psychological impact that can trigger an “existential crisis,” questioning trust, shared reality, and even your own self-worth. This guide offers immediate, trauma-informed “lifelines” to help you navigate these overwhelming initial hours and days, focusing on self-preservation amidst the chaos.

Discovering a partner’s betrayal is widely recognized as a traumatic event. Concepts like Betrayal Trauma, developed by Dr. Jennifer Freyd, describe the specific injury when someone you depend on for safety violates that trust. While not a formal diagnosis, Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD) describes a real cluster of trauma symptoms similar to PTSD, arising from infidelity. Experts like Sheri Keffer and Michelle Mays highlight that betrayal trauma deeply affects the attachment bond and can mimic symptoms of Complex PTSD, underscoring the severity of the psychological wound.

The immediate aftermath often brings a symphony of painful reactions:

It’s crucial to understand that these reactions, however extreme, are normal human responses to an incredibly painful and abnormal situation. You’re not “going crazy”; you’re experiencing the effects of trauma.

This profound traumatic impact often stems from the shattering of the attachment bond. Romantic partners become primary attachment figures, sources of safety and security. When this trusted figure becomes the source of pain, it creates an “attachment-based bind.” The person you’d normally turn to for solace is the cause of your distress, leading to intense emotional and physiological dysregulation, often mirroring Complex PTSD.

Furthermore, the trauma is often amplified by deception. Dr. Omar Minwalla argues that infidelity often involves creating and maintaining a “secret, separate reality” or a “secret sexual basement.” This “deceptive compartmentalization” is a “profound system of deliberate deception,” which he characterizes as a form of psychological abuse. The betrayed partner discovers they’ve been living in a manipulated reality, leading to profound confusion and questioning of their own sanity—a hallmark of gaslighting. Recognizing this element of systemic deception is vital for challenging self-blame; you are not at fault for “not knowing” or for the betrayal itself if you’ve been actively and intentionally deceived.

In the disorienting whirlwind after betrayal, these concrete, trauma-informed actions can provide crucial direction and immediate self-preservation.

What & Why: The initial shock throws your nervous system into overdrive. The absolute first priority is to create a sense of safety, however minimal, to begin calming this acute stress response. This is foundational; without a baseline of safety, effective processing is hindered. Your traumatized brain cannot engage in rational decision-making when it perceives an ongoing threat. Establishing safety is a neurobiological necessity.

How-to:

What & Why: It’s natural to want to deny or push away a devastating reality. However, acknowledgment is the crucial first step toward healing. Suppressing the truth and feelings prolongs distress. “Betrayal blindness,” where one unconsciously suppresses awareness of betrayal to maintain an attachment, can contribute to the shock. Gently resisting the urge to revert to “not knowing” and facing the new reality is key. Acknowledging the truth begins to bridge the chasm between your old belief in the relationship’s integrity and the harsh new reality, addressing immense cognitive dissonance.

How-to:

What & Why: When emotions surge and thoughts race, grounding techniques bring you back to the present moment and into your body, providing an anchor. They directly help regulate your nervous system, often highly activated after trauma. Grounding is a conscious, self-directed action that can shift you toward a sense of internal control, regaining a sense of agency.

How-to (2-3 simple, memorable examples):

What & Why: Betrayal can be incredibly isolating. Connecting with trusted, empathetic individuals provides comfort, validation, and practical assistance. However, choose wisely, as unhelpful responses can cause more harm. The “social betrayal” component of intimate partner betrayal makes trustworthy external validation critical. Reaching out to genuinely supportive people offers a corrective experience, counteracting the gaslighting and self-blame inherent in betrayal.

How-to:

What & Why: In the immediate wake of betrayal, you’re experiencing profound shock and cognitive disruption. This is not the time for life-altering decisions about the relationship, living arrangements, or finances. Judgment is significantly clouded by trauma. The urge to make immediate, drastic decisions can be a trauma-driven attempt to escape overwhelming pain and regain control, but these decisions are made from a place of dysregulation. Impulsive actions, though offering temporary illusions of control, often lead to regret. Delaying significant decisions is an act of self-protection and wisdom.

How-to:

What & Why: During a crisis, fundamental physical needs are often neglected. Yet, attending to these basics forms the foundation of your capacity to cope. This is essential emotional first aid. Betrayal can induce feelings of worthlessness or disconnection from your body. Neglecting basic needs unconsciously reinforces these feelings. Consciously attending to hydration, nourishment, and rest, however minimally, affirms your value and reconnects you with physical needs. It’s an act of saying, “I matter,” crucial when trust has been shattered. It’s a foundational step in rebuilding self-trust and fostering self-compassion.

How-to (Keep it extremely simple and achievable):

What & Why: It’s incredibly common for betrayed partners to question what they did wrong or how they might have prevented the betrayal. Shame and self-blame are hallmarks of betrayal trauma. It’s vital, even now, to understand that you are not responsible for your partner’s choice to betray you. Blaming yourself can be a counterintuitive attempt to find an explanation and a false sense of control. The human mind struggles with inexplicable suffering and seeks cause and effect. If you find a “reason” in your own perceived flaws, it imposes a semblance of order on chaos, implying that changing yourself could have prevented the betrayal. This is a cognitive distortion, but it can feel less terrifying than acknowledging your partner’s autonomous, hurtful choice. Understanding self-blame as a complex psychological coping mechanism, not an accurate assessment of fault, helps you approach self-critical thoughts with more curiosity and less self-condemnation, paving the way for genuine self-compassion and accurate attribution of responsibility to the betrayer.

How-to:

While the initial steps focus on immediate self-preservation, navigating the complex aftermath of betrayal often benefits immensely from specialized professional support.

Betrayal trauma often requires therapeutic approaches beyond general counseling, addressing profound attachment injuries, trauma bonds, systemic deception, and potential co-occurring issues like a partner’s sexual compulsivity. Therapists specializing in betrayal trauma, such as a Certified Partner Trauma Therapist (CPTT), are trained in these specific dynamics. They utilize trauma-informed techniques like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), somatic healing modalities, and approaches like the Relational Recovery Partner Betrayal Model (RRPB Model).

A qualified therapist provides a safe, non-judgmental space to process trauma, explore intense emotions (like “attachment ambivalence”—the simultaneous pull toward and away from the betraying partner), develop coping strategies, challenge self-blame, and make informed decisions about your future.

There’s no “right” or “wrong” time to seek this support, but if you feel persistently stuck or overwhelmed, reaching out is a sign of strength. It’s crucial that individual therapy for the betrayed partner often precedes any attempts at couples therapy. This allows you to achieve a degree of safety and stabilization first, reducing the risk of further harm or re-traumatization in a couples setting before you are ready.

As you navigate the turbulent first few days, these gentle reminders can help manage expectations and foster self-compassion.

The discovery of a partner’s betrayal is a devastating blow, leaving you shattered and adrift. The path ahead will be challenging, and healing unfolds over time, not overnight. However, by taking these initial, small, self-protective steps, you begin to navigate the immediate storm.

Remember that you are not alone in this experience. Many have walked this painful path and found their way toward healing, recovery, and a new future, whatever that may look like. The journey of healing from betrayal trauma is possible, though it requires time, effort, and often, a commitment to the process.

Framing these early actions—seeking safety, acknowledging pain, reaching out for support, caring for basic needs—not merely as coping mechanisms but as courageous acts can be empowering. In a situation that inherently disempowers, recognizing the immense effort required to simply function and make healthy choices amidst profound trauma fosters a sense of agency and self-efficacy from the very beginning. This instills a sense of hope grounded not in minimizing the pain, but in recognizing your inherent strength in taking even the smallest steps toward your own well-being.

Be gentle with yourself. The journey towards healing, towards reclaiming a sense of self and safety, begins with these first courageous acts of self-preservation and self-compassion.

What part of this journey feels most overwhelming to you right now?

References

When betrayal hits, the pain runs deep. It’s an experience that shatters trust and leaves individuals grappling with intense emotions and profound uncertainty. Understanding why it happened can be the first vital step toward healing. But sometimes a deeper question comes up: Is it infidelity, a heartbreaking breach of trust, or something more complex, like sex addiction? Today, we’re diving into one of the most misunderstood topics in relationships to help bring clarity to your situation.

As licensed counselors, we approach this delicate subject with profound compassion and a non-judgmental stance, recognizing that this information may be encountered by both those who have betrayed and those who have been betrayed, often during a very fragile and intense moment in their relationship history. Our aim is to provide educated, understandable, friendly, and empathetic guidance.

This discussion will address some of your toughest questions, including:

Let’s get into it.

One of the most common questions we hear is, “How do I know if this is infidelity or addiction?” When a couple is grappling with a recent discovery or disclosure, it can be incredibly challenging to differentiate between these two distinct patterns of behavior. While both involve sexual acting out outside of a committed relationship and cause immense pain, their underlying drivers and characteristics differ significantly.

At its core, infidelity is defined as sexual activity with someone other than a primary romantic partner or spouse. It’s important to clarify that today’s discussion focuses specifically on sexual infidelity, not emotional affairs. While emotional affairs are undoubtedly a profound betrayal and cause deep hurt, they do not fall under the clinical definition of sexual infidelity, which specifically involves sexual behaviors.

Infidelity can manifest in various ways: it might be a single, isolated incident, or it could involve multiple extramarital partners, either serially or even simultaneously. The complexity increases when, for instance, an affair partner is also a sex trade worker, or if a long-term, even decade-long, secondary relationship or “second family” scenario exists. Even in such severe cases, the behavior can still be classified as infidelity if certain key elements of addiction are absent.

Sex addiction, in contrast, is characterized by a recurrent failure to resist sexual impulses. The most crucial differentiator here is the concept of impulse control, or rather, the lack thereof. This isn’t just about having sex multiple times with an affair partner; it’s about a high level of spontaneity, impulsiveness, and uncontrollability surrounding the sexual activity. The individual feels compelled to act despite a desire to stop.

It is crucial to state that none of this comparison minimizes the pain of infidelity. The betrayal, whether it’s an affair or sex addiction, causes profound suffering. The purpose of differentiating is to understand the nature of the problem, which guides the path to effective healing and recovery.

Building on the core differentiators, let’s explore the specific signs and symptoms that characterize sex addiction. Much of our understanding in this area draws from the pioneering work of Patrick Carnes, a foundational figure in sex addiction research and treatment.

This will repeat some of the information given above, but for the sake of clarity, we will repeat and build on that. The following indicators are often present in patterns of compulsive sexual behavior:

This question, born from fear and pain, is deeply unsettling for those who have just discovered their partner’s affair. The honest answer is: you don’t really know for certain at first. However, we can offer insights to help you understand the probabilities and potential directions.

In many cases, it may indeed be “just” an affair. We use “just” not to minimize the devastating pain, but in the context of differentiating it from the complexity of addiction. Statistically, infidelity is more common than sex addiction. General social surveys indicate that 20-25% of married men and 10-15% of married women admit to having sex outside their marriage over their lifetime. Among younger adults (in their twenties), women report higher rates, closer to 20%. Some broader definitions of infidelity, including any sexual interaction that could jeopardize or hurt the relationship, push women’s rates even higher to nearly 20% across all ages. Overall, approximately one-quarter of all marriages will experience infidelity at some point.

Conversely, sex addiction is estimated to affect about 10% of the population, and this figure often excludes individuals whose primary compulsive behavior is pornography. Therefore, statistically, it’s rarer to be married to a sex addict than to someone who has committed an act of infidelity.

Consider the possibility of sex addiction if:

If these factors are not present, and there is no other evidence to suggest an underlying compulsive pattern, you are most likely dealing with infidelity rather than sex addiction. However, the initial phase after discovery involves immense uncertainty. If your partner has been secretive, trust is shattered, making it incredibly difficult to accept their honesty. This period requires a painful bearing of uncertainty as you gather more information and observe their willingness to be transparent and engage in healing.

Pornography use is a frequent concern for partners navigating betrayal. From a moral standpoint, many individuals view pornography as unhelpful and potentially damaging. Clinically, however, our approach to treatment focuses on the compulsive nature of its use and the desire to stop.

In our practice, we view pornography addiction as a subset of sex addiction. While not every person who uses pornography compulsively is a “sex addict” in the broader sense, it’s rare to find a sex addict who does not use pornography. For many sex addicts, pornography acts as a powerful accelerant, “throwing gas on the fire” of their compulsive behaviors.

We’ve observed cases where pornography use has sparked curiosity that escalated into infidelity, and where pornography addiction itself has intensified into broader sex addiction. However, it is crucial to clarify a common misconception: from our clinical experience, the vast majority of individuals addicted to pornography in committed, monogamous relationships never have an affair.

When trust is shattered by the discovery of pornography use, it’s natural for the betrayed partner to assume the worst: “If you broke this boundary, you must have broken them all. If you look at porn, you must also have affairs.” This understandable fear stems from a place of deep hurt and a desire to make sense of the betrayal.

However, many individuals with pornography addiction establish internal boundaries (e.g., specific content they’d never view, places they’d never watch porn) that, paradoxically, help them justify and contain their use. Comments like, “I would never have an affair,” are often spoken with a hope for affirmation. While these boundaries exist, it’s important for the recovering individual to understand that such rationalizations are part of the addiction’s justification. While it may be true they haven’t had an affair, their pornography use alone still constitutes a profound betrayal to their partner.

So, while it is very common to have pornography use without infidelity, and less common to have both, the presence of both doesn’t automatically equate to sex addiction. Each behavior needs to be assessed within its own context, weighing the signs of addiction.

It’s important to also address the role of alcohol. In both infidelity and sex addiction, alcohol can act as a significant disinhibitor. We frequently find that alcohol use was a precursor to or part of the “acting out” process, lowering inhibitions and making it easier for individuals to engage in behaviors they might otherwise resist. For infidelity, this means grappling with the role alcohol plays in future fidelity and triggers for the spouse. For sex addiction, it highlights the potential for comorbidity with other addictions, requiring vigilance to prevent “addiction switching” (e.g., from sex to food, exercise, or shopping) during sobriety.

If you’re wondering whether you or your partner might be struggling with sex addiction, it’s natural to seek out reliable tools for assessment. While the internet offers many quizzes, it’s vital to differentiate between quick self-tests and professionally validated instruments. We’ll outline three types of assessments: an easy screening, a more serious self-report, and a professional-level diagnostic tool.

PATHOS is a short, six-question acronym-based questionnaire developed by Patrick Carnes et al. in 2012. It serves as a preliminary screening tool:

A threshold of three or more “yes” answers is typically considered a positive screen. However, this questionnaire has limitations. For example, a person with a healthy libido and strong moral values could potentially score high due to feelings of shame or preoccupation, even without a sex addiction. If you are applying these questions to a partner who has engaged in extensive sexual activity, their distress and desire to do penance after discovery could lead to an unfairly high score, mislabeling them as a sex addict when it might simply be severe infidelity. While it’s too short for a definitive diagnosis of sex addiction, scoring 4-6 on PATHOS might warrant further investigation.

The SAST-R is a more comprehensive 20-question “yes/no” assessment that can be found and completed online. Individuals who are not sex addicts typically score 2 or 3, indicating that a few “yes” answers are normal and not cause for immediate alarm. The clinical threshold for differentiation between non-addicts and those likely to need sex addiction treatment is typically six or more positive answers.

For those in outpatient sex addiction treatment, the average score is around 10, while for inpatient treatment, it’s usually around 13. While accessible online, there are important caveats for interpreting SAST-R scores:

If you or your partner score at or above the threshold of six, we strongly recommend seeking a certified sex addiction therapist (CSAT) for professional evaluation. This test is a helpful tool to initiate that conversation and determine if deeper issues are at play, providing a foundation for rebuilding trust by demonstrating sincerity in recovery.

The SDI is considered the “grand-daddy” of professional-level assessments for sex addiction. It is an extensive, grueling assessment that takes 1.5 to 2.5 hours to complete, often a composition of several longer assessments, including the SAST. The SDI provides a highly thorough picture of an individual’s sexual history, attachment patterns, compulsions, and trauma issues, examining both present and past behaviors.

This tool is exclusively available through CSATs in a clinical setting because its interpretation requires professional expertise and it is an integral part of a larger treatment plan. It is never used to evaluate infidelity in isolation; it is reserved for situations where sex addiction is clearly suspected. Due to its deeply intimate and personal nature, delving into topics like childhood sexual abuse, the SDI results are almost never shared outside of the clinical notes with either the individual or their partner. It serves as a powerful clinical tool to expedite understanding of a client’s history, rather than a diagnostic label to be handed out.

For the betrayed partner, the longing for information about an affair can be overwhelming. You want to understand the “underground cavern” of secrets, to grasp the full extent of the harm and to reclaim a sense of knowing. However, while information is important, not all information is helpful for healing.

We’ve found that getting every graphic detail about an affair—such as sex positions, comparisons to one’s own body, or intimate dialogue—can be profoundly re-traumatizing. Once heard, these images and details cannot be “un-rung,” often creating intrusive thoughts and lasting pain that impede healing.

Instead, we strongly recommend focusing on the essential data that supports healing and future safety:

This crucial information can validate a betrayed partner’s internal wisdom or historical suspicions, clarify boundaries for future fidelity, and inform the recovery process without causing unnecessary re-traumatization. Healing comes through feeling and processing the pain with support, not through an exhaustive catalog of harmful details. An experienced trauma therapist specializing in betrayal trauma can guide you through this process effectively.

The journey through infidelity or sex addiction is undoubtedly one of the most challenging experiences a relationship can face. However, it’s vital to hold onto hope. We have witnessed countless individuals and couples find their way through this pain to profound healing and stronger, wiser relationships.

This repair work is challenging, but it is possible. While not every marriage survives the devastation, for those who choose to stay and heal, professional support is available. You are not alone in this journey. If you find yourself grappling with these challenges, reach out. There is help in understanding, in sorting it out, and in wading through the pain to emerge on the other side.

In the intricate dance of life and relationships, the concept of boundaries often arises as a critical tool for maintaining balance and well-being. However, despite their importance, many people unknowingly approach boundary setting in ways that are counterproductive, manipulative, or even harmful to themselves and their relationships. As trained and licensed counselors, we frequently encounter individuals struggling with this very issue; feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, or trapped by dynamics they desire to change.

Our goal today is to demystify healthy boundaries and show you how to implement them effectively. There are two primary situations where boundaries become essential:

While both aspects are vital, our focus today is on the second scenario: setting boundaries within relationships. We’ll delve deep into how to articulate a healthy boundary that feels authentic, isn’t controlling or manipulative, and ultimately fosters healthier, more respectful relationships.

It’s common to see boundaries being used incorrectly, leading to misunderstandings and further relational damage. Many people believe they are setting a boundary when, in reality, they are engaging in behaviors that undermine the very purpose of healthy limits. Let’s explore some common misuses:

An ultimatum is often a desperate attempt to protect oneself or prevent a harmful situation. For example, telling someone, “If you do that again, I’ll never speak to you.” While the desire for safety is understandable, ultimatums rarely work in a pro-relational way. The problem is that they force the boundary-setter into a position of rigid enforcement. If the person crosses the line, you are then obligated to follow through, even if you don’t want to sever the relationship entirely. This can leave you feeling trapped by your own declaration, and it often creates a dynamic that is not conducive to mutual growth or a healthy connection. It’s like saying, “I value the absence of this behavior more than I value our ongoing relationship,” which isn’t always the case, especially if the relationship is otherwise important.

Another misuse is disguised as coercive control, where the “boundary” is an attempt to force someone else to do or stop doing something. Consider the common parenting trap: “If you don’t clean your room, I’m going to take away your favorite toy.” While consequences for children are necessary, this can easily devolve into manipulation if the consequence is disproportionate or unrelated, or if the primary goal is control rather than teaching responsibility. The true purpose of a boundary is not to make someone change their behavior for your comfort, but to define the terms under which you are willing to engage. If your “boundary” is just a veiled threat to get what you want, it lacks the invitational, relational quality of a healthy limit.

Manipulation is closely linked to coercive control. This is when you use consequences that are completely unrelated to the behavior you’re trying to address, or when you use power to compel someone. For instance, an older parent saying to an adult child, “If you don’t spend more time with me, I’m going to take away your driving privileges.” This isn’t about setting a personal limit; it’s about leveraging power to force compliance, often leaving both parties feeling resentful and disrespected. Healthy boundaries define *your* space and *your* willingness, not dictate *their* actions through unrelated punishments.

Cut-offs involve completely ending a relationship over a perceived slight or difficulty, often without attempting to work through the issue. It’s the “I’m done with this person” mentality after a single bad conversation or insult. While in certain extreme situations (like abuse, which we’ll discuss later), no contact is essential for safety, most everyday relationship challenges do not warrant a permanent cut-off. It’s a common buzzword in popular psychology that can be misused, devaluing the true meaning of a boundary. It’s often easier to “drop the axe” on a relationship than to engage in the uncomfortable work of conflict resolution. Healthy relationships require room for imperfection and the benefit of the doubt, where both parties can make errors without fear of complete severance.

Sometimes, the term “boundary” is simply overused or misapplied. What might be needed is not a boundary, but a clear, respectful complaint. Dr. Gottman distinguishes between a criticism and a complaint:

Framing your concerns as complaints, rather than criticisms or false “boundaries,” promotes healthier dialogue and problem-solving, inviting engagement rather than defensiveness.

After navigating the pitfalls of misused boundaries, let’s turn to a definition that truly encapsulates the essence of healthy boundary setting. This definition offers a profound paradigm shift from how many of us have been taught to think about limits:

A healthy boundary is stating the loving terms on which you are willing to engage with someone.

This definition challenges the common perception that a boundary is about controlling or changing another person’s behavior so that you can feel okay. Instead, it places the focus on your own terms of engagement. It’s not about saying, “You need to change for me to be okay around you,” but rather, “Here are the conditions under which I can lovingly and healthily participate in this relationship.” This shift empowers you to define your space and needs without dictating another’s actions, fostering mutual respect.

The first crucial part of this definition is “loving.” For a boundary to be truly healthy and well-articulated, it must stem from a place of affection, care, or at least sincere regard for the other person and the relationship. In a professional context, this might translate to “kind,” “collegial,” “warm,” or “sincere” terms. For friends and extended family, it means setting limits with an underlying affectionate disposition. When we are offended or angry, it’s easy to lose sight of the love or bond that connects us. Approaching a boundary from a place of genuine care helps to preserve the relationship and ensures that your message is received as an effort to get back to a safer, more productive level of interaction, rather than an attack.

The second key element is “willing to engage.” This signifies an invitational disposition in your heart when you set the boundary. Unlike the common perception of a boundary as a “push away” or a “shove,” a healthy boundary implies, “I want to continue this relationship, but on these terms.” It’s about how you and the other person can move towards each other, rather than moving apart. It acknowledges that while you are defining limitations, you are also expressing a desire for continued interaction within those defined limits. For instance, instead of slamming the door and walking out in anger, you might say, “I want to continue this conversation, but I need us both to be calm to do so.” This clearly states your willingness to engage, while setting a necessary condition.

To effectively articulate these loving terms, it’s essential to use “I” statements. This means focusing on how the other person’s actions affect *you* rather than making accusations or generalizations about *them*. For example, instead of saying, “You always interrupt me, which is rude,” you might say, “When I’m interrupted, I feel unheard and it makes it difficult for me to express myself fully.” This approach takes ownership of your feelings and experiences, making the boundary about your needs and willingness to engage, rather than about correcting the other person.

As renowned boundary experts Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend explain in their work, boundaries are fundamentally about defining ourselves. They state:

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins—leading me to a sense of ownership.”

Think of it like a fence in your backyard. That fence clearly delineates what is yours and what belongs to your neighbor. Your yard is your responsibility, and you have ownership over what happens within it. Similarly, personal boundaries define your responsibilities, feelings, thoughts, and limits, and distinguish them from someone else’s. When there’s no clear boundary, it becomes easy to blame others for your problems or, conversely, blame yourself for theirs. A healthy boundary clarifies this distinction, allowing you to take responsibility for your “yard” and empowering you with a sense of ownership over your life and choices.

Once you’ve done the thoughtful work of crafting a healthy, loving, and invitational boundary, it’s crucial to prepare for how it might be received. Setting a boundary often means shining a light on someone else’s “blind spot” – an area of their behavior they may not be aware of, or perhaps an unaddressed sense of entitlement or underdeveloped social skill.

It’s perfectly normal, and even expected, to encounter an initial negative or defensive reaction when you set a boundary. People aren’t typically “willingly difficult”; they simply may not realize their actions are problematic. Your boundary might startle them or expose something uncomfortable about their behavior. Their negative response may not be directed at *your boundary* itself, but rather at the discomfort of facing their own blind spot. Therefore, being prepared for this initial pushback is key to holding your ground.

A crucial step in navigating this response is to validate their reaction while still maintaining your boundary. You can say, “I can see why you might not like hearing this from me, and it might feel uncomfortable.” This acknowledges their feelings without agreeing to retract your boundary. It communicates empathy while reinforcing your commitment to your stated terms. This approach promotes understanding and de-escalation, making it more likely for the other person to eventually process and accept your boundary.

Human relationships, much like biological systems, naturally seek a state of equilibrium, or “homeostasis.” When one person introduces a change, such as a boundary, the system (and the other person) will often unconsciously try to revert to the familiar status quo, even if that status quo was dysfunctional. Change, even positive change, is inherently uncomfortable. Be aware of this natural resistance to adjustment. If you’ve diligently worked to create a healthy boundary, standing firm in its integrity despite the other person’s discomfort is essential for its effectiveness and for fostering a new, healthier normal.

Before articulating a significant boundary, it can be incredibly helpful to run it by a trusted, emotionally healthy friend or a therapist. This “feedback loop” can help you refine your wording, anticipate reactions, and ensure your boundary is truly healthy and well-articulated. Once you’ve stated your boundary, it’s vital to “stand in the integrity of your statement.” This means holding firm to your terms, even if the other person doesn’t like it or tries to push back. You don’t need to back down simply because their comfort is disrupted. The ideal outcome is that, after some initial discomfort, the other person adjusts, approaches you with humility, and begins to meet you on your loving terms, leading to mutual growth and a more mature, respectful connection.

While the principles of healthy boundary setting apply broadly, there are specific, challenging circumstances—such as abuse and betrayal—where the “normal rules” of engagement shift. In these situations, boundaries take on a different, often more critical, form, focusing primarily on self-protection and safety.

In abusive dynamics, boundaries are inherently difficult because the abuser’s core motivation is control. When you attempt to set a healthy boundary, two insidious things often happen:

Betrayal, such as infidelity, introduces unique complexities to boundary setting. The immediate aftermath requires strong, clear boundaries, which then evolve as healing progresses. Here are some basics:

As the betrayer demonstrates consistent commitment to therapy, transparency, and becoming a “safe partner,” the burden of these intensive boundaries can gradually be reduced. It’s crucial to avoid “victim blaming” by pushing the betrayed partner to drop boundaries too soon. The pace of reduction must align with the betrayer’s demonstrable change and the betrayed partner’s progress in trauma repair. The ultimate goal is for the betrayer to internalize the boundary of fidelity and safety, becoming a person who can hold that boundary on behalf of the relationship themselves, without constant external enforcement. This allows the couple to move towards a new normal, where each partner is mutually holding the boundaries of safety around their union.

Boundaries are not rigid walls designed to push people away, but rather clear definitions that allow for loving, respectful, and sustainable engagement in all areas of your life. By understanding the common abuses of boundary setting—from ultimatums and coercive control to cut-offs and misidentified complaints—you can begin to recognize when your efforts might be missing the mark.

Embracing the definition of a healthy boundary as “stating the loving terms on which you are willing to engage with someone” represents a powerful shift. It moves you from a position of trying to control others to one of self-ownership and clear communication of your needs. The emphasis on “loving” and “willing to engage” transforms boundaries from a tool of separation into an invitation for deeper, more authentic connection.

Remember that the journey of setting boundaries often involves navigating initial negative reactions from others, who may be encountering their own blind spots or resisting the discomfort of change. Validating their feelings while steadfastly holding your boundary, and seeking trusted feedback, are crucial steps in this process. Your consistency helps to establish a new, healthier homeostasis in your relationships.

Finally, special circumstances like abuse and betrayal demand a nuanced approach, where boundaries become paramount for self-protection, and may not require articulation to the abuser. In cases of betrayal, boundaries serve to create safety and space for trauma processing, evolving over time as the betrayer demonstrates genuine integrity and the betrayed partner heals.

By diligently applying these principles, you empower yourself to foster relationships that are not only respectful and kind but also contribute to your overall psychological well-being and personal growth. Setting healthy boundaries is an art, a practice, and a testament to valuing yourself and the quality of your connections.

Have you ever felt constantly on edge? Like no matter how much you try to relax, your body just won’t let you? Maybe you struggle with sleep, feel disconnected from others as you go through daily life, or find yourself reacting to situations in a way that surprises you.

It’s just kind of not you. And the worst part is, you don’t really know why.

Today we’re breaking down what PTSD looks like. We’ll discuss how it can show up in your daily life and the twelve leading signs that you may be living with unresolved trauma. We’ll explore why these patterns develop, how they affect your relationships and daily experiences, and what steps you can take to start making sense of it all.

To make this as helpful as possible, we will pull from our experience as therapists who work with trauma survivors. We’ll also refer to the book “The Body Keeps Score,” by trauma expert Dr. Bessel van der Kolk.

Whether you’ve been through a major life event or a series of smaller things that have stacked up on you, if you feel like something isn’t quite right, this post could give you the clarity that you’ve been searching for around PTSD and whether that describes what you have been experiencing.

Dr. van der Kolk outlines twelve leading symptoms of complex PTSD. We’re going to break these down for you here. 

The first leading symptom of PTSD is a constant feeling of unsafety and hypervigilance. Dr. van der Kolk says that patients with PTSD are always on guard. Their bodies are chronically tense and defensive as if they’re still in danger now. We often see this play out in our therapy sessions.

When people come in for counseling, they don’t necessarily use the word “hypervigilance.” Instead, they tend to say things like, “I’m very aware of everything that’s happening around me.” They say they feel like they’re “always on watch,” they’re “very aware of others and interactions,” and that they’re “always on guard.” They may also say that they “feel super awake, all the time.” 

Hypervigilance after betrayal: As therapists, we do a lot of work with survivors of betrayal – of infidelity or when your partner has an affair, for example. Our clients who have experienced this type of trauma often tell us that they always feel very aware of when their partner gets a text message. They’re keyed right in on that little text notification. If something’s a little bit off about how their partner is conducting themselves, or if their partner is two minutes late – things that would’ve never bothered them in the past – suddenly catch their attention. That’s hypervigilance.

One of the biggest things our clients have talked about is always tracking their spouse. If their spouse is out of the home, they need to know exactly where they are at all times. And it’s because they’re not feeling safe, so they have to try and make themselves feel safe in some way.

Hypervigilance after medical trauma: People can experience hypervigilance around medical traumas as well. Just the other day, we observed a parent whose child went through a major prolonged illness that involved immense hopelessness and fear of losing the child. Thank God, the child did recover and everybody’s doing great today physically. But this parent expressed feeling that same hypervigilance and alertness even today, even though the child is healthy. It’s been quite some time of decent health, and the child’s health is getting better all the time. And still, if there’s anything off about her – if she has a little cough or something, this parent is right on it. That’s an example of hypervigilance in a medical and familial context. That is one of the characteristics of PTSD.

We want to encourage you to have compassion for yourself if you’re experiencing hypervigilance. This is happening because your nervous system and your body went through a very dangerous situation. Whether the danger was about you or someone dear to you, your world and the safety that you thought you lived in has been shattered.

What’s now happening is this: Your nervous system became activated to help you be aware of as much data as possible so that you can always watch out for that threat and respond to it when it comes.[i] We often refer to this as the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. These are aspects of a trauma response. Becoming hypervigilant makes sense, and we want you to know you’re not crazy.

You’re also not a “control freak.” Maybe you’ve heard the term “helicopter parenting”, and unfortunately, sometimes mothers get shamed for that hypervigilance that can come after trauma. Whether there has been an accident or a major illness, what’s really happening is hypervigilance in response to a traumatic experience.

Once you identify and understand that you’re experiencing hypervigilance because your body and nervous system are activated, you can learn strategies that can calm your nervous system back down and help you regulate. 

Predictable routines. Try to bring order to your life in ways that work for you. This could be having predictable routines, like making your coffee the same way every morning, making your bed every day, keeping your keys in the same spot in your home. 

Grounding with 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.[ii] This is a simple grounding exercise that brings your awareness back to the present moment. Focusing on the here and now can remind you that you’re safe now. To do this exercise, anytime, follow these steps:

This exercise grounds you – it brings you into your present reality. In this activity, your body is being led into the sense that I’m right here, right now, reading this article. I’m not in that scary situation that has created all these activated feelings.

This relaxes the body. That brings us to the next symptom of PTSD. 

The inability to relax is the second leading symptom of PTSD. It’s a feeling of constant bodily tension. You may even feel discomfort with relaxing practices like meditation or yoga. 

There is a thing called traumatic orbital hyperactivity. This is when people go through a very traumatic experience and then find that they’re always in this very activated, hyper state. They may always be on the go, always moving, always keeping busy. This could even be misinterpreted by medical professionals or by our culture as ADHD when really, in this case, this inability to relax is a PTSD symptom.

Progressive muscle relaxation: Instead of forcing relaxation through meditation or yoga, try tightening and releasing muscles one by one.

Somatic exercises: Try shaking out your tension by shaking different parts of your body.

Breathing: Practice deep belly breathing to slowly teach your body to tolerate relaxation. 

Sleep disturbances are the third main symptom of PTSD. This could be difficulty falling asleep, or it could be waking up and already feeling like you’re on high alert. It may feel like you’re just always ready to go, all the time. Dr. van der Kolk writes:

“Sleep disturbances are among the most persistent problems for trauma survivors.”[iii]

In his book, Dr. van der Kolk talks about his work with Vietnam War veterans. He notes that many trauma survivors have chronic insomnia like this. It’s often linked with nightmares and flashbacks as well. If you’re struggling to sleep, you may want to consider if it could be a result of trauma.  

If you’re experiencing sleep disturbances, here are some tips that may help:

Calming bedtime routine: Develop a consistent wind-down routine before bed such as journaling or listening to calming music. Journaling helps take all the busyness of the mind and externalize it onto paper for you. 

Weighted blanket: Consider trying a weighted blanket. People often say this kind of feels like a comforting hug. 

Avoid screens: Before bedtime, steer clear of phone use or watching TV. Screens mess with your circadian rhythms, which help your body know when to sleep and wake. Also, the content you may be digesting and scrolling through can be anxiety-provoking. Social media often creates anxiety.  

Grounding exercises: If you wake up on high alert, and your body is activated, you can try the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 grounding exercise we discussed above. 

Breathing exercises: 

As you do this box breathing a few times, you may see your nervous system begin to regulate again.[iv]Additionally, while you’re concentrating on slow inhales and exhales, you’re unable to have racing thoughts that make you even more alert.

Slowing your heart rate through breathing can help regulate or calm your nervous system. 

Dr. van der Kolk describes a negative self-image as a fourth symptom of PTSD. This can be especially common in people who grew up in abusive or neglectful environments as children. This upbringing can cause people to develop a deep-seated sense of worthlessness and a distorted self-concept. It can lead individuals to internalize shame and blame, and develop feelings of self-hatred and perhaps a distorted sexuality. 

Dr. van der Kolk quotes psychologist Carl Jung: “Shame is the soul-eating emotion.”[v]

It is a lot to carry. Often, because there is something done to you in your body, you can kind of be at odds with your body. That’s a really difficult place to be in, where the thing that you inhabit, the thing that takes you through the world, is not safe or is not a welcome presence, or was the source of the pain for your sense of self. That disconnect is one of the tragic consequences of traumatic events leading to PTSD.

Know that PTSD is treatable:[vi] As we talk about these difficult topics and experiences, we want to remind you that there’s healing and help for these difficult symptoms. With the right level of intervention and good trauma treatment strategies, you can heal. You may be feeling these difficult challenges right now, but as you become aware that this is a result of trauma, we want you to know that there is help. There is hope. Trauma and PTSD are treatable.

Challenge negative thoughts by keeping a daily self-compassion journal. Instead of reinforcing self-criticism, practice reframing thoughts by writing down one thing you appreciate about yourself each day, even if it’s small. 

Working with a trauma-informed therapist can also help reshape self-perception. 

People with PTSD often develop distorted attraction. They may be attracted to unavailable partners while avoiding those who offer warmth. Dr. van der Kolk explains how children growing up in emotionally unsafe environments can associate love with fear, neglect, or inconsistency. Then as adults, they may unconsciously seek out similar dynamics, going to the emotionally unavailable or abusive partner because we like what feels familiar, even if it isn’t good for us.

This symptom brings up a lot of sadness for us because we’ve seen this with our clients. So often, the experience of people who’ve been through significant trauma is that there’s that wounded part of themself that wants to walk into the same danger and this time come out victorious. They want to walk back into the same scenario where they were powerless and this time find power and become the victor and come back out strong, as the one who overcame this thing. And it’s such a sincere longing just to be able to unload the spectrum of profound wounding that was laid on the person by the trauma that they experienced.

There’s a name for this phenomenon. It’s called traumatic reenactment. It’s this sense of, “If I can go back there and do it again and win this time, I’ll be free of this trauma that’s been riding my back like such a burden for so long.”

It’s so valuable for people to become aware of this tendency that happens in trauma survivors. If you find yourself asking questions like, “Why do I always pick people that do this to me?”, “Why do I always seek out men who are this way?” Or, “Why do I try to find women who are this way?” Or, “Why do I always choose jobs where the boss is a horrible person?” “What’s wrong with me? I must be screwed up.” We encourage you to have compassion with yourself. You’re not screwed up. It’s your trauma trying to sort itself out. That’s all that’s happening here. 

The “wholesome you” knows the right kind of person for you, and the “wholesome you” is in there, but the trauma part is out there protecting and trying to solve and get over this thing that happened.

We often notice that people going through this pattern may find it difficult kind of step back and see what is going on. You can try to ask yourself, “Can you remember a moment in your experience where you felt very safe and secure and seen with someone?” And, this can even be something they’ve experienced with a pet, perhaps.  

Then ask yourself, “What does that emotional safety feel like?” Here we’re beginning to break that down. When we do this with clients, people begin to articulate the essence of what healthy, secure attachment is. They begin to describe being in a safe, loving connection with another safe person. And that’s what you want.

You don’t want the thrilling, high-risk person. Your trauma wants the high-risk, but what you want, is the safe, secure person. And that person still might be exciting to you, but in a good way. 

So, we want to begin to notice the distinction of how your body responds to some people and not to others. Try to understand what is coming from the healthy part of you, the wholesome self, from your soul. And, what’s coming out of this trauma where you’re just trying to resolve something that you haven’t had a chance to work through in therapy or in some other healthy context yet?

Dr. van der Kolk discusses says that children raised in unsafe or abusive environments often develop disorganized attachment styles. As adults, this leads to intense discomfort with closeness, vulnerability, and affection, even when they consciously desire intimacy.

Dr. van der Kolk writes, “People who cannot comfortably notice what is going on inside… are vulnerable to being overwhelmed by rage or anxiety when they become close to someone.”[vii]

It can feel like if you invest in this thing that seems so ideal to you, like you thought it was before, but if you experience the same trauma, you feel like you’re going to be hurt so much worse. So, you can have this sense that I’m safer with someone who’s mean to me. My body’s programmed for that. I know I can get through that. My fight or flight is activated for that. I find this nice, gentle, loving person way too frightening.

We were just talking about this in one of our team meetings at our counseling agency the other day. We, as therapists, even, have to be careful not to come in “too warm” for folks who have been through a lot of trauma. And there are ways for us to do that; we just have to meet them where they are.

If you’re reading this, and this is you, here are a few ways you can begin to combat this: 

You can begin to accept kindness, love, and affection, in whatever ways are healthy in your context, based on your relationship with them. You can begin to let that in so your body begins to learn, “Hey, there’s another way of relating out there.”

*A safe person is someone who is consistently respectful towards you, is consistently kind towards you, and there are no ulterior motives. When you’re in your calm, grounded space, you’re confident that this person is safe. 

Frequent anger outbursts are the sixth leading sign of PTSD.

Trauma survivors may live in a constant state of fight-or-flight, and even small triggers can provoke disproportionate emotional responses like rage, irritability, or outbursts. These reactions are not about conscious choice — they’re automatic survival responses. 

Dr. Van der Kolk states, “Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort… Their reactions are not reactions to the present but to the past.”[ix] 

 Again, we want to encourage you to have compassion, because often, these outbursts that seem angry are driven by this deep-seated fear rather than rage. It can seem like you’re just angry at everybody. And really, it may be because there is this deep fear in you, and that feels too vulnerable, and you feel like you can’t show that to people. It feels easier and safer to show anger.

Have you ever seen a dog that once got absolutely thrashed by a few other dogs at a dog park? If you have, then you probably noticed that later, anytime other dogs – even safe dogs – come close, the first dog immediately bristles. It goes into full fight mode. That’s kind of what goes on in humans. Now, we don’t want people to think they’re like dogs. This is just an analogy. It’s just a simple illustration of how rage can work. If you’ve had this really bad, really scary thing happen, then as soon as there is any sense of something like that, or even even a sense of someone coming close to you, you might go into full fight mode because you have to protect that wounded part of yourself. You feel so fragile. The rage is about protection and wanting to feel safe.

Now, this doesn’t justify the use of verbal, physical, emotional or spiritual abuse of any sort. But we want you to know that if this is you – we see you. We know why you’re doing it. We have so much compassion for you. We’re asking you to own it. 

Do you remember “Karen”, the middle-aged white woman caught on camera absolutely losing her marbles on somebody for some small thing? That became this whole Karen motif. And, a lot of times, if we could look at that situation and get that person’s story, we’d see that they’ve been triggered into rage because they have trauma or PTSD. We just feel so much compassion for them. And in a way, we kind of wish that at the right moment, we could slide up beside that person and be like, “Honey, you’ve got to work on that. Trauma was done to you. That wasn’t your fault. These symptoms were created by that trauma that was done to you, but the end of the trauma or the going away of the traumatic person, or the passing of time doesn’t mean that the trauma has gone, it’s still there. And the ownership for taking charge of healing that is with you. You got saddled with that. It’s not fair. It’s not right, but it is what’s happened. And now, let’s find healing.”

These trauma reactions are not necessarily a conscious choice. They’re an automatic survival mechanism. It’s the body trying to protect you, and that’s how it’s doing it. But the great thing is that healing is possible. 

Instead of suppressing anger, practice redirecting it through safe outlets such as:

Another common symptom of PTSD is expecting hostility from others and then sort of seeking that out. This can even include being drawn to negative social media content. 

Think about it like this fight or flight sense in the body. You’re looking for something for that energy to meet. Your brain is wired to anticipate betrayal or attack, even in safe situations. Imagine that you’re sitting at home on your couch, scrolling Facebook. That’s a safe situation. Nothing bad is going to happen to you, normally, sitting at home on a couch with a phone in your hand. But if your body is in this activated state because of PTSD and you see a comment, you’re like, “Oh, I’m gonna let this guy know on Facebook. I’m gonna show him what I think.” 

Trauma wires the brain to anticipate a betrayal or attack, even in safe situations. It can cause you to misread cues and interpret neutral cues as threatening. It can wire you to feel that others are out to get you, either emotionally or physically. 

Van der Kolk explains that individuals who have experienced chronic trauma — especially in childhood— often lack a sense of safety in relationships and, as a result, avoid connection because that feels safer. 

Many people prefer isolation due to social anxiety, and this is especially true since the pandemic. But for people who have PTSD, that desire for isolation is even stronger. And, depending on what the trauma was, going out can be triggering, so it sometimes feels safer to stay at home. Or there can be a sense that the environment you go out to can be a space where there are a ton of variables. But in your own home, you know the variables.

One of the quotes we pulled from Dr. van der Kolk’s book is:

“Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health.”[x]

That’s powerful.

He says that safe connections are “fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.” So now there’s a dilemma for the person who has PTSD because they don’t feel safe necessarily with anybody, anywhere, but they want this meaningful, satisfying life. But the thing they want it from is the thing that triggers them sometimes. And that’s tough.

We encourage you to slowly reintroduce social interactions in low-pressure environments. Don’t go out to conquer the world all in one day. Start small. Start with just one meaningful interaction per week and then gradually build your comfort level. Here are some starting ideas:

By taking small steps like these, you’re coaching your body. You’re helping your body relearn the world around you. An event that causes PTSD teaches your body that the world is not safe. And when you take these small steps, you’re telling your body, “I can have a little safe moment here, a little safe moment there. One a week.” And your body learns that maybe some parts of the world are safe. We want to begin to expand that peace and safety in the body.

Many times, people with PTSD experience subtle suicidal ideation. That’s the feeling that life is exhausting, life is unbearable, so what’s the point? 

Dr. van der Kolk discusses how chronic trauma in childhood, especially neglect or emotional abuse, can lead to this deeply internalized sense of hopelessness. It can lead to a desire to disappear or shut down. He writes:

“When people are compulsively and rigidly trying to control their inner experience, they often become emotionally dead… they may prefer numbness over the pain of trauma. And in this deadness lies a quiet wish not to feel — not to be.”[xi]

It can feel as if you prefer numbness over the pain of your trauma. The pain is so severe and so overwhelming when you sit in it, and you don’t know how to manage it or remove it, so you learn to numb. Suicidal ideation is entertaining that idea of ultimate numbness.

If this is something you’re experiencing, please call 9-8-8. There are people on that line who understand, who can give you help and support. We want you to know that there’s healing. And there is hope. And yeah, of course, you’ve been numbing yourself to protect yourself. That makes a ton of sense. But there is a pathway back through the numbing and a way to heal the pain, a way that’s not overwhelming, that can be processed in digestible amounts.

You can begin to feel a little bit lighter, then a little bit lighter, and just shed all of that stuff that’s in your nervous system until you’re enjoying life again. We’ve seen a lot of people go through that. It’s an amazing process, an amazing journey. It is possible for anyone.

People with PTSD often experience rigidity in routines. People who experienced chronic childhood trauma often feel unsafe when life is spontaneous or unpredictable. As a result, they may create rigid routines, obsessive patterns, or strict personal rules to avoid being overwhelmed.  This comes from a sense of needing control to avoid perceived chaos. It’s a sense that, in your experience, things have been out of control. And so, if you can control your routines and your habits day to day, then you can feel safe.

In our culture, we need to eliminate the phrase “control freak.” There are no control freaks. There are only trauma survivors. And if there is a point in your life where your world is wildly out of control and incredibly unsafe, of course, you want to try to make your life very safe, under control, and predictable. You feel like that will help you avoid being overwhelmed. It makes sense.

Try introducing small, manageable changes to your routine—like taking a different route home or switching up your morning routine. Gradually exposing yourself to flexibility in a safe way helps retrain your brain to tolerate change without triggering fear.

Our last leading symptom of PTSD is overworking. We try to achieve external success to feel safe, but we never quite feel safe, so we work harder and harder. Dr. van der Kolk explains that people with developmental trauma often channel their energy into control, perfectionism, or compulsive productivity. They do this to avoid feeling their inner emotional pain. He discusses how people become disconnected from their bodies and emotions, and instead measure their worth by external accomplishments. 

“Many traumatized people become perfectionists or workaholics in an effort to keep their feelings of helplessness or worthlessness at bay.”[xii]

Pair that with anxiety and hyperactivity, and it becomes a desperate scramble to achieve success, thinking that it will bring us to a calm and regulated place in our body. But, since it’s trauma you’re dealing with, there’s no amount of money you can earn, no number of possessions you can acquire, that will help you to feel safe. You have to process that trauma to feel safe. It makes sense that you want to get there. But, you will probably need to find another way to get to that feeling.

You know, people do not ask for PTSD. They don’t choose to have these symptoms. But, sometimes these symptoms are part of their life. If this is your experience or part of your loved one’s experience, we want to extend a lot of compassion here. 

You’ve taken a huge step just learning about these symptoms. Education is so powerful to begin the process of healing.  Even just reading this and realizing, “Oh, I think this is what I’ve been facing”, is a great starting point. 

For one thing, it helps you feel a lot less crazy. You see that, “Okay, this is actually a thing. There’s a podcast about it. Other people have these symptoms. They’re talking about what I experience and other people have the same thing.” And you realize you’re not alone. And there is help. Know that there is help.

References

[i] Center for Substance Abuse Treatment (US), “Understanding the Impact of Trauma,” in Trauma-Informed Care in Behavioral Health Services (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US), 2014), https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK207191/.

[ii] “The 54321 Grounding Technique,” Trauma Research UK, accessed March 28, 2025, https://traumaresearchuk.org/the-54321-grounding-technique/.

[iii] M. D. Van Der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score (Books on Tape, 2021), https://search.mentorpl.org/HooplaFlexMentor/MWT13953456.

[iv] Melis Yilmaz Balban et al., “Brief Structured Respiration Practices Enhance Mood and Reduce Physiological Arousal,” Cell Reports Medicine 4, no. 1 (January 10, 2023): 100895, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.xcrm.2022.100895.

[v] Van Der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score.

[vi] “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder,” accessed March 14, 2025, https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/post-traumatic-stress-disorder.

[vii] Van Der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score.

[viii] Van Der Kolk.

[ix] Van Der Kolk.

[x] Van Der Kolk.

[xi] Van Der Kolk.

[xii] Van Der Kolk.

Have you ever had a conversation with your spouse where you just couldn’t get through to them? You’re trying to explain something, but they’re either not listening or completely misunderstanding you. Or maybe a small miscommunication turned into a bigger argument, leaving you wondering, “What just happened?”

Here, we break down the five key fundamentals that make marriage communication strong, clear, and full of love. We talk about how to truly understand each other, create a safe space for honest conversations, and build deeper trust in your relationship.

We also give you a few exercises you can do today to strengthen your marriage connection. Whether you’re newly married or have been together for years, these five fundamentals can transform the way you and your spouse communicate.

The first key to strong marriage communication is empathy and understanding. This is the foundation of communication. We like this quote by Montgomery:

The goal of quality communication is the achievement and maintenance of interpersonal understanding.[i]

In other words, the reason we communicate at all is so we can understand each other. We want to get to a place of understanding and stay in a place of understanding. Let’s take a close look at empathy.  

An easy definition of empathy that we like is this:

“When I stand in your shoes and look at the world through your lens, through whatever you’re experiencing… when I put myself in that place…it makes sense that you feel what you do.”

When we work with couples, there’s one phrase we use a lot: “It makes sense.” This is a basic affirmation of reality. It’s a way of expressing empathy. It doesn’t mean that you agree with everything they say. It’s understanding: “If I were in your shoes, having walked to this point, I would be reacting the same way; your reaction makes sense.”

There is a widely accepted conceptualization of empathy that says it has three main components.[ii] They are cognitive, emotional, and motivational. Let’s talk about these.

Cognitive empathy: The first is called cognitive empathy, which is just the recognition and understanding of the emotional states of others. So, in my brain, I’m aware that you are having sadness right now because there are tears coming down. Cognitive empathy is that attention and awareness of what your spouse is experiencing. We call that attunement in other kinds of therapy.

Emotional empathy: The second component is emotional empathy. This part of empathy is experience sharing. It means that I share your emotion. I still maintain a distinction between myself and you, but I share in what you are experiencing and feeling.

Our readers who are empaths sometimes may have to remind themselves that there is that distinction between self and other. So, if you’re upset about something that happened at work, I don’t have to go storming into your office to solve the problem on your behalf. Instead, I get upset alongside you, I see that your reaction makes sense, and I feel the upset, but I know there is a distinction between self and other.

Motivational empathy: The third component of empathy is motivational empathy. This is also known as empathic care. Motivational empathy is having feelings of concern for the other and having a willingness to put effort into improving their well-being. If I have empathy for you, it’s motivating me to do something to care for you.

Now, sometimes we harp on men a little bit when we do seminars. Sometimes men tend to rush to solutions. That’s motivational empathy, sure, but this problem-solving part is at the back of the list. Men often jump straight to “I’m concerned about you and I want to help you solve this.” But, timing is important with this. Before jumping to solve the problem, it’s important to first join your spouse in the emotional experience, notice, and validate. If you haven’t done the first two, the noticing and validating, it’s actually not empathy. It’s just solution-finding, fixing the problem. Our goal is empathy and understanding; these are fundamental to a strong marriage connection.

Practical Takeaway Tip: As we’re thinking about this empathy piece, here is one takeaway: Think about the last time you and your spouse had a disagreement. Did you truly try to understand their point of view? Or were you just waiting for your turn to talk? Try this. The next time you’re having a conversation, just pause and ask yourself, “Do I really understand what they’re saying?” And ask yourself that before responding to your spouse. Do I get it or am I just talking? Really go for that understanding, 100%.

Now let’s look at our second key component of communication connection.

This key component in communication connection is safety. You want to create a judgment-free space in your marriage. A spouse must feel really safe in order to indicate how we really feel. So he or she must be convinced that no harm will come from an expression of their feelings in order to be fully comfortable expressing themselves emotionally.

To create safety, you want to send the signal to your spouse that they are safe with their emotions. You send this message when you don’t try to talk them out of their feelings and you don’t dismiss them. You don’t turn or hide away from them. You don’t tell them, “Oh, it’s not a big deal,” or “It’ll be okay.” Because actually, that’s telling them that their feelings aren’t valid. It’s dismissing them instead of understanding them. When they share something with us, we might be uncomfortable, but being with them and letting them feel what they’re feeling and then validating those feelings creates safety.

Here are some phrases to watch out for, phrases that signal dismissiveness of your spouse’s feelings. You want to try to avoid these kinds of phrases:

“You just need to pray about it.”

“You just need to relax.”

“Just talk to them.”

“Just don’t worry about it so much.”

While your intentions are good and you mean to encourage your spouse, these phrases signal that you think that what they’re going through is simple or no big deal. So, it’s actually a signal of dismissiveness of their experience. It’s the opposite of noticing and validating their emotions.

Even though you mean to help your spouse feel safe and to reassure them that if they “just do this” everything will be okay, your spouse is receiving a signal that they can’t bring these feelings to you.

Now you’re probably wondering, what should you do when your spouse shares their feelings, in order to create safety? What can you do to help them feel really safe?

The way to un-upset your spouse while also ensuring they feel safe bringing their feelings to you, is to meet them in it, to help them feel seen, to be with them as their companion. When you do this, all of a sudden, this big thing is manageable. So, you want to co-regulate with your spouse. Signal to them, “I’m here with you. I’m feeling this with you. I’m not trying to send this away. I want you to know I’m right beside you with this.”

Practical Takeaway Tip: Here’s a practical tip. The next time your spouse shares something personal with you, resist that urge to react and fix it immediately. Instead, just listen and say “I hear you,” “I appreciate you telling me this.” Or say, “I hear you, thanks for sharing this with me.” It’s a small change you can make that makes a huge difference.

The third key fundamental to strong marriage communication and connection is acceptance. This is basically showing love without putting extra conditions on it. It can be simple phrases that we can communicate by just saying, “I care about what happens to you. I’m concerned about you as a person.”

This is not scorning or scolding. It’s communicating in a genuine way, “Hey, I’m worried about you and I want what’s best for you. You and your problems are important to me.”

This also includes acceptance around misbehavior. We don’t mean abusive behavior, but when your spouse is struggling, you can communicate, “You’re struggling, and it’s not the shiny side of you, but I love you.” You can say things like, “I’m not fond of what you’re doing right now, but I love you and I know there’s a better version of you in there who wants to do better, who can do better.” Acceptance is having that belief of “There’s something precious in here, and whatever has happened for you right now, it’s not coming out, but I want you to know I’m here. The love is here. You’re safe with me. You’re accepted.”

One way to show acceptance in your marriage is to express appreciation and gratitude for your spouse. Even if there is something you’re struggling to appreciate or accept about your spouse right now, you can look for other things that you can appreciate. This sends the signal that you see the whole person, not just this behavior they’re struggling with right now, and you love them and accept who they are. A simple message like, “I love how thoughtful you are,” for example, can make a huge difference.

Practical Takeaway Tip: Here’s a practical tip for showing acceptance to your spouse. This week, try this: Instead of pointing out something your spouse could improve, point out something you appreciate about them.

The fourth key for a strong marriage is to show respect, to speak kindly and respectfully, even when you’re upset. This, of course, is easy when we’re getting along, but it’s important to stick to this even when you’re not. In the research, there is this quote:

Each spouse must learn to proceed on the fundamental conviction that nothing is so important as to warrant the violation of integrity in marriage – mine or my spouse’s.[iii]

So, what is this saying in plain English? It’s saying we need to commit to this belief that nothing bad enough happens in marriage for me to violate my own integrity by speaking in a way that I’m not proud of, or to violate my spouse’s integrity by attacking them or cutting them down. Another way we could put this is that we need to hold sacred the bond between us.

So, we need to show respect for our spouse when we’re together, whether we’re getting along or disagreeing. We also need to show that respect if our spouse is not around. We want to make sure our spouse knows we have their backs even when we’re not together at the moment. You want to show them “You’re important to me whether you’re in the room or not.” We use the example sometimes of a bunch of ladies sitting around eating salads, complaining about their husbands, or a group of guys talking about the old lady.

Holding that respect, when you’re together and apart, helps make the marriage more enjoyable and secure. And, being able to trust that you’ll be respectful to each other even when you disagree or even when you’re angry with each other, sends the message “We’ll solve this problem somehow.” And we’re going to do this in a way that’s respectful, and without name-calling. Here’s another great quote from Harper:

“If each of us learns to deal respectfully and lovingly with the you, me, and us of this relationship, meanings will somehow get communicated, marriage will be enjoyable much of the time, and problems will somehow get handled, if not solved.”[iv]

Practical Takeaway Tip: Next time you’re in an argument with your spouse, before you respond, just pause and ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to say building our relationship up? Is it maintaining that respect? Or is it actually tearing down? Is it corrosive to the bond that exists between us?

The fifth fundamental key to strong marriage communication is openness. You could call this the power of honest conversation. It’s the effort of making yourself talk about stuff that you need to talk about. Disclosure. So, I’m an introvert, and for those of you who are familiar with attachment styles, I grew up avoidant. So for me, self-disclosure is unnatural and terrifying. And it’s a little harder to push through that, but openness is so important. It’s the sharing, and finding ways to do it that are safe, respectful but also genuine, being transparent about what is actually going on, having awareness of what is actually going on for me, and then disclosing it in a way that you can receive it.

If you are in a non-abusive relationship, I can guarantee that your spouse wants to know more of you. You are more complex and fascinating to your spouse than you may realize. So, we encourage you to get into the habit of sharing, even if for you it doesn’t feel natural at first. It’s a skill you can develop that can help strengthen your marriage connection.

And for the spouse who is receiving that openness: If your spouse shares something personal, you want to be careful to receive that, to not brush it off, to show love and acceptance. Because if you brush it off, your spouse isn’t likely to be vulnerable and open again. These are moments, again, where you can use some of those phrases we talked about earlier, like “Thank you for sharing this with me,” or “I hear you,” or “That makes sense.”

Practical Takeaway Tip: As you’re working on this, you can have this 10-minute conversation with your spouse. Ask your spouse, “What is something I did this week that made you feel loved?” And their response might surprise you. Then validate, accept what they say, and then ask a tougher question: “What is something I did this week that hurt you, even a little?” And again, whatever they say, be careful not to get defensive or try to justify the behavior. Instead you can thank them for being brave enough to tell you, and say “I can see why that hurt you.” Remember, the goal is not to defend, but to understand.

Developing these relationship fundamentals can make your marriage communication strong and clear. Working on maintaining empathy, creating safety, having openness, being respectful, and really accepting your spouse will help you keep your marriage strong and full of love for the rest of your lives. It can take time and practice, but they payoff – a lasting and fulfilling marriage – is worth it.

References

[i] Barbara Montgomery, “The Form and Function of Quality Communication in Marriage,” Family Relations 30, no. 1 (1981): 21–30.

[ii] Jamil Zaki and Kevin N. Ochsner, “The Neuroscience of Empathy: Progress, Pitfalls and Promise,” Nature Neuroscience 15, no. 5 (May 2012): 675–80, https://doi.org/10.1038/nn.3085.

[iii] Robert Harper, “Communication Problems in Marriage and Marriage Counseling,” Marriage and Family Living 20, no. 2 (1958): 107–12, https://doi.org/10.2307/348352.

[iv] Harper.

In our 280th episode, we provide an update after a five-year hiatus!

We discuss our personal experiences, including burnout, career changes, and coping with the pandemic. The episode covers the transition from our old OnlyYouForever brand to the new Therapevo Counselling brand, highlighting the expanded focus on diverse counseling topics and services. We also touch on rebranding the podcast to ‘Normalize therapy.’ and adding a new YouTube channel. We talk about upcoming content and plans to expand our social media presence and blogging.

We are so excited about returning and invite listeners to join us on this new journey!

00:00 Welcome Back! Introduction and Episode Overview

00:31 Reflecting on the Past: Life Since 2020

07:19 Current Affairs: Rebranding and New Beginnings

12:34 Looking Ahead: Season 2 and Future Plans

18:32 Conclusion: Thank You and See You Soon

Caleb: Welcome to the marriage podcast for smart people.

Verlynda: We haven’t said that in a long time.

Caleb: we have not, this is our 280th episode! And we’re thankful that you’ve joined us again today. And our plan for today is to talk about three things. Number one, where we’ve been since 2020 when we last published an episode and what’s been going on. Number two is where we’re at presently. And number three is what is coming up next in season two: a rebrand, a new name for the podcast, and a lot of the great content that you’re already used to. So

Verlynda: Hmm.

Caleb: Without further ado, we’re going to skip our usual intro roll because we are changing a lot of things right now, and we’ll get to all that.

But let’s, you know, Verlynda, let’s start in with this topic[00:01:00]

Verlynda: Yeah.

Caleb: been since 2020. What are

Verlynda: Life has changed. Yeah. Big pieces. I mean, well, in your life is kind of one of the big ones that played a major part.

Caleb: Yeah. Yeah. So, and I think we should tell folks too that we’re recording this five about five years since we last recorded.

Verlynda: Yes.

Caleb: to it sometime in the future, that’s the gap between episode 279 and episode 280. So yeah, the biggest thing for me 2020 was kind of that second year of COVID, am I right?

Verlynda: March 2020, it started or our country shut down.

Caleb: Okay, yeah, we started getting into the thick of it. We were getting pretty burnt out on podcasting at the time, because we’d done a weekly show for quite a while, and that had been pretty intense for us. Kept up, a pace on that. I think we were doing like a little more sophisticated, a little more complex episodes too, which was cool.

Verlynda: Yeah. More research.

Caleb: Yeah. And I’d also been like hammering away at starting this [00:02:00] business or counseling business at that point for six years had been counseling for 20, that’d be about 10, 11 years at that point myself doing some mixed vocational stuff, of course, in there. But I also had a huge bout of burnout, compassion fatigue as a therapist. So that was a big thing that was going on. And I think it was 2020. Was it that summer or the next summer where I actually tapped out for a while? Do you

Verlynda: I think it was that summer. Yeah.

Caleb: and I just wasn’t paying attention to how [00:03:00] absolutely exhausted my body was. So, yeah, that was a huge a huge thing for us and fortunately had other people to kind of keep the business going. And you filled in a bit there, Verlynda, on the business side, too. We had a great administrator, Vivian at the time, who was helping us and I started coming back into the business in the fall.

And then I don’t think I really started counseling until late 2020 or the start of the next year. Really? So seeing clients again. So I tried to really take the recovery seriously, get back on my feet and that kind of stuff because it is a career that means a lot to me and I wanted to stay in it.

Verlynda: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then during this time, like we had three teenagers in the house, we were in that stage of like, We’re beginning to launch them and it, it just took a lot of energy,

Caleb: kind of energy. Yeah.

Verlynda: yeah, different situations and

Caleb: families do of like running to all those games and

Verlynda: yes, kids and [00:04:00] sports.

Caleb: yeah

Verlynda: Yeah.

Caleb: pretty heavily involved in church at the time.

Verlynda: Yeah.

Caleb: there

Verlynda: So something had,

Caleb: stress

Verlynda: sorry. Yeah. Yeah.

Caleb: Yeah.

Verlynda: Yeah. Something had to go. Yeah. And then, I mean, the counseling agency took off during COVID because we were online already and Yeah, a way that business went. And then I went back to school beginning of 2021. I went back to school to get my marriage and family therapy.

My master’s in marriage and family therapy is the official name. Loved it. Loved every minute of it. Love the learning. Just felt like a different person coming out of it, like it was such an amazing experience and such a privilege to be able to do that, to be at a stage where I could go back to school and now getting to do the work that I get to do, like, it’s just, it’s such a privilege and it’s so exciting.

So that’s my new career, my new [00:05:00] stage of life.

Caleb: yeah, that was huge. And we’re super thankful for all the awesome people that kind of pointed to you in that direction to like, and also the ones that supported us through that journey you know, putting one member of your family as adults back through school full time. Was a huge commitment on everybody’s part.

And our

Verlynda: Yes. Our kid. Yes.

Caleb: extra like

Verlynda: Yeah.

Caleb: and like

Verlynda: Yeah.

Caleb: got in on there. So that was really cool.

Verlynda: Yeah.

Caleb: And the other thing that was really a blessing to us, but also part of like the burnout and the busyness and not getting the podcast done was we were doing online therapy when it wasn’t cool to do it, which was

Verlynda: Yes.

Caleb: And when the pandemic hit. We were like ready to go and so there is a huge demand from clients. And then there was also counselors coming to us not sure of the technology and how to pivot. And we were all set up. We had the systems in place. We had the procedures to know how to do it. so there was quite a bit of rapid growth during the pandemic for our

Verlynda: Yeah.

Caleb: but all of that onboarding and growth, that was a lot of work as [00:06:00] well. So, yeah, that’s, what’s been going on there.

Verlynda: Yeah, but can I make a note on that, though, Caleb? Well, this is like, we’re going into the current here because I’m talking about the current, but, like, the team that we have, like, yes, there was rapid growth, but the team that we have is such a beautiful group of people. Like, I am proud to say that each one of, like, that I get to work with them.

So it’s pretty neat. The people that are on our team.

Caleb: Yeah. We do love our team

Verlynda: Yeah.

Caleb: They’re amazing people for sure. Yeah. And I hope that all doesn’t come across like a bunch of like, here’s why we didn’t get our work done stuff, but just to let you know, like sometimes you forget, like on the other sides of shows that we watch or even like TV, like there’s real humans on the other side of that stuff.

Right. And we’re those real humans for this podcast and life got too busy. And and I just personally, like, I just lost the drive and the energy with that burnout to get this podcast done. So that was one thing that that sacrifice. So many of you have reached out and said, Hey, where are you guys?

I hope you

Verlynda: Mm hmm.[00:07:00]

Caleb: we thank you for all that love. And we thank you for all the well wishes. I wrote quite a few of you back just saying, Hey, I’m burnt out. I’m so sorry. And you were very gracious about it. So for everybody that was just like sweet about that. Thank you. You guys are welcome. Take care. Much appreciated.

Verlynda: Yes, for sure.

Caleb: special.

Verlynda: Yeah.

Caleb: Verlinda.

Verlynda: Current Affairs, we are rebranding. So you can see on Caleb’s shirt right there, possibly, if you’re watching versus listening.

Caleb: Yeah.

Verlynda: we have a new name. We are now Therapevo Counseling. So we were finding that We really,

Caleb: just describe the logo for our

Verlynda: oh yeah,

Caleb: a podcast. Yeah.

Verlynda: so our logo, it’s like very simple, but it’s like a phoenix, like a phoenix rising from the ashes.

And Therapevo, the word in Greek is healing, or it’s Greek for healing. And so that’s really like the, the umph. The basis of our business is [00:08:00] like how our clients can rise from the ashes of what they’ve been through with such resiliency and healing. And it’s a, it’s a beautiful thing. So why are we rebranding?

Why are we rebranding Caleb? Silence.

Caleb: specialties and they just didn’t kind of resonate as well with a marriage site.

And I think the one that I pick because it sort of makes it the most obvious is we had like four or five people who just love to work with teenagers. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing therapists for adolescents. They could connect with adolescents really well lead them through like amazing change out of very difficult circumstances or trauma that they’d experienced, whatever it had been. But then it’s like really weird for a teenager to go to only you forever dot com the slogan. Well, you know, we help you build a thriving, passionate marriage. And sign

Verlynda: [00:09:00] Yes. Silence.

Caleb: that our therapists love to work in.

And I know for you, Verlynda, coming on the team as well, that was a huge motivating factor because you love working with teenagers. And and like I said, that’s the obvious one. It’s not that we’re being inundated with teenagers, but you can imagine like we get single people coming for help on various topics

Verlynda: Yeah.

Caleb: things like you know, we have someone who specializes in blended families.

Now we have someone who specializes in like perinatal, postnatal trauma. other people on grief and like,

Verlynda: Yeah. Yeah.

Caleb: and if you guys have listened to us from the start in our early [00:10:00] episodes, like we were trying

Verlynda: Hello.

Caleb: counseling over

Verlynda: Hello.

Caleb: video call, offering that to people all over North America with therapists in almost every time zone. We still need an Atlantic therapist

Verlynda: Hello.

Caleb: and that’s our main thing. And then kind of our secondary thing is the cruise as far as products that we

Verlynda: Yes.

Caleb: And

Verlynda: Yeah.

Caleb: still have our communications course, and we do still sell a few of those booklets, a digital version of them every month, the Betrayal Devotionals. So that’s cool, too, but we needed a brand that was really focused mainly on that counseling, and I’m not sure if we’re going to kind of put the cruise onto that site or just leave it on its own site still, but that’s kind of how things are evolving, so.

Verlynda: Yeah. Yeah. So we just had our fifth,

Caleb: Yeah,

Verlynda: think it was our fifth

Caleb: fifth.

Verlynda: marriage [00:11:00] cruise.

Caleb: Mm hmm.

Verlynda: And again, like it was a beautiful time. It was a little bit smaller this time, but the couples that came were, they were ready to learn. They were ready to work. They were making connections

Caleb: hmm.

Verlynda: and it’s just so cool to like see the light bulb go off or see the connection made and the bonding.

And so that’s such a privilege to be able to do as well.

Caleb: Yeah, and we just consistently get like 5 star reviews from people on that and great feedback on how it has been a blessing to their marriage and that there’s so much energy and excitement that they live with, leave with,

Verlynda: Yeah.

Caleb: So we, we love to do that. So yeah, does that cover kind of what’s happening right now?

So I should maybe just say like at this moment 2025. And we’re about three weeks out from launching our new website at therapevo.com. OnlyYouForever.com is going to be retired. And all of that stuff is going to be forwarded. All that great content is going to be put on therapevo.com and all those old links that are out there.

We’ll all have [00:12:00] forwarding. Like 301 redirects, they’re called attached to them. So everything kind of moves to the, to the new site that way.

Verlynda: Okay.

Caleb: So that’s where that’s at. And we’re just in the throes of getting all that set up right now. So the design is done. It’s a beautiful website, stunning design, very classy, kind of friendly, but elegant, and I’m really looking forward to having that up and able to announce that in a few weeks, mid March.

I hope. Yeah.

Verlynda: we’re already wearing the shirts. So, you know, we’re waiting for that website.

Caleb: Yes, we’ve got the got the merchandise for the staff for Christmas. So then let’s talk about what’s next Verlynda. And I’m just sort of keeping an eye on the clock here, too. for season 2 of this podcast, I think the big thing that folks should be aware of is just kind of watching for that in your favorite part podcast listening app, Spotify or Apple podcast or whatever you’re using, Google play, that kind of stuff. changing the name to Normalize therapy. So you’re going to see

Verlynda: Mm [00:13:00] hmm.

Caleb: We’re going to be, there’s gonna be a different logo. So the old infinity loop with the heart, we love that. It’s got a little dated now. So you’re going to get, see the new logo with the Phoenix on there

Verlynda: Mm hmm.

Caleb: We’re going to start with, you know, some of those marriage related topics, but because our clinic is getting more diverse and so on, we hope to bring in some of these other topics as well,

Verlynda: Yeah. Yeah.

Caleb: for sure.

Like just everything sort of counseling related.

Verlynda: Yeah. And even possibly having more interviews, it might be less frequent, but hopefully more consistent. Yeah.

Caleb: So

Verlynda: For those of you.

Caleb: in at a pace we can sustain.

Verlynda: Yeah. Yeah. And for those of you who supported us so faithfully on Patreon, thank you for that. We are going to be retiring that. 

Caleb: Yeah,

Verlynda: else are we doing with this, Caleb?

Caleb: well, I think the tone is going to evolve a little bit because in the first

Verlynda: Mm. Mm

Caleb: as the marriage podcast for smart people, I was the guy with the marriage and family therapy masters, right?

Verlynda: hmm.

Caleb: And you were kind of like, [00:14:00] bringing that down to everyday language, making it

Verlynda: Yes.

Caleb: to the people.

And that was our vibe. And

Verlynda: I think some people called it the expert and the normal person. I think is how some people put it.

Caleb: I resented the implication of, yeah. Identifying you as the normal person.

Verlynda: I thought it was great.

Caleb: I have concerns about that, but it’s going to shift a little bit in that we’re both professionals and I’ve just been amazed to see you coming through your master’s degree, getting that education under your belt and like how much richness you bring to the table, to the discussions now it’s going to shift, the quality.

I think the, the quality of our podcast content has, is going to go even higher. It’s going to be amazing.

Verlynda: Well, thanks for saying that. I, I think I’m going to struggle a little bit with like, like I know we’re equal as people, but I still look at you as like the expert in the room. With the experience that you have and the work that you’ve done I, I might still just try and make it normal, normal ish.[00:15:00]

Caleb: normal. Yeah, I don’t

Verlynda: don’t know.

Caleb: is gonna mind it being made normal and I can understand the experience thing and I’m expecting that as we go, it’ll probably shift a bit to you know, you get that thousand hours, like client hours under your belt. And it’s just kind of, you begin to feel really comfortable in your authority on topics,

Verlynda: Right. Right. And again, topics might make a difference too, whether

Caleb: Yeah.

Verlynda: what we have experience in

Caleb: already that we’ve identified that you’re a lot stronger on than I am. Because they’re interests of yours, and

Verlynda: and vice versa. Yeah. Yeah.

Caleb: sure. The other thing we’re going to be doing and hoping to do is uploading to YouTube. So we’ll have a YouTube channel set up. Are we haven’t done that yet.

A

Verlynda: No. Video’s scary.

Caleb: little scary. This is kind of our first test recording of that format today. So

Verlynda: Yeah.

Caleb: We’ll continue to publish an audio only version for all you faithful podcast listeners out there. And then our goal, too, is to kind of really continue with that same high quality content that is

Verlynda: Mm hmm. [00:16:00] Yes.

Caleb: education based and backed.

So there’s just a lot of people out there giving their opinions on how you should do life. And we have always had this conviction of, like, bringing that truth out of what people have discovered through studying creation, studying how people interact with the world around them and with each other.

Verlynda: Yes.

Caleb: we want to keep that going as well. We’re working a little bit for Linda are going to be doing a man. I, I have a reluctance to say I’m doing things before I’m doing them, but maybe it’s good for me to put this out there.

Verlynda: What are we thinking of doing?

Caleb: out loud, we’re going to expand our social media output just to be a little more consistent out there.

Verlynda: Oh, we have not been great with social media.

Caleb: No, we have not.

Verlynda: We’ve struggled.

Caleb: We kind of suck in that. We are happy to scroll on it, but we don’t actually put

Verlynda: Yes.

Caleb: So

Verlynda: Yes.

Caleb: be held accountable for that. So that’s going to be going on. And then [00:17:00] we also have a lovely lady who’s just started writing for us, she’s going to be doing just some blog content.

So there would just be some articles that we’ve wanted to have up for a long time about various things. I think she’s doing a psych degree. I think she’s working on that right now, if I remember correctly,

Verlynda: Oh, cool. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Caleb: So, yeah, we’re happy about that. And that’s kind of where we’re going. What’s coming next as far as we can see from where we’re at right now.

So that’s all, you know, God willing, we’ll see how

Verlynda: Yep. Yeah,

Caleb: And we just like to invite folks. Sorry, we’re going to come in there.

Verlynda: I was just going to say, like, coming up is the next Marriage Cruise, like, we’re currently selling Marriage Cruise 2026.

Caleb: Yes, we have a group room set aside. We’ve already had a booking on that, and I’ll tell you, cruise are selling out way faster than they used to,

Verlynda: Yeah. Since the pandemic.

Caleb: like, you can’t wait to figure out your cruise holidays for February, and like November, or December, or

Verlynda: Mm hmm. Mm

Caleb: to, you have to get that puppy locked in long before that, so Definitely reach out, check out our website, christianmarriagecruise.

[00:18:00] com. And of course, if we can help you with counseling you can get us on our website right now at onlyyouforever.com. If this rebranding has happened and you’re listening to this sometime in March, it’ll automatically forward you to our new therapevo.com site.

Verlynda: hmm.

Caleb: So that’ll work. too.

But we would love to help you. We have amazing therapists who currently have some availability and we can get you set up with someone who is just the right fit for the particular set of issues that you want to talk about.

Verlynda: Mm hmm. And we’re just, well, I, I should say, I, I’m excited to be back. Like, I have great memories of the podcast, so I’m looking forward to this. It’s going to be fun.

Caleb: Yeah, it’s

Verlynda: I guess we’re wrapping this part up, so maybe this one should be sad, but

Caleb: Well,

Verlynda: looking ahead, I’m excited.

Caleb: right?

Verlynda: Yes. It’s a journey.

Caleb: It is. So let’s close. Just look with a huge thank you to all of you that have

Verlynda: Mm hmm. Mm hmm.

Caleb: of our episodes. I apologize for the brain damage and all of the other effects that that has caused, you [00:19:00] for being faithful listeners. And if you’re a sucker for punishment, we have more coming!

Verlynda: There we go.

Caleb: just enjoy good content, I should say we

Verlynda: Yes. Yes.

Caleb: Verlynda

Verlynda: Good content with good people. There we go.

Caleb: Now, you know, I decided to outsource my marketing.

Verlynda: Alrighty.

Caleb: That’s all for today. Thank you. And we’ll see you in the next episode.

There’s a level of control that occurs in relatively few marriages that we would see as part of an abusive power and control dynamic. But then there’s a lower level of control that doesn’t come from an abusive spouse that can still be frustrating and lead to conflict in the marriage.

We’ve talked about the abusive kind of control before, so if you want to learn more about that kind of control feel free to go back to our previous episodes of the podcast to learn more about what that looks like. 

Today, we’re talking about the annoying kind of controlling. This is not so much about the spouse’s power and dominance as the controlling spouse’s worry, fear, anxiety, and maybe even mental health issues that are driving this behavior. And sometimes the non-controlling spouse may also be acting in ways that prompt this behavior. If you’re listening to this to try to figure out your spouse, you may ask yourself what your role might be and how might you help your spouse feel less of a need to be in control.

Control issues are often rooted in fear. This is the first place to look. If you’re afraid and you want to make it safer, you’re going to want to control the variables. This is quite a common response to fear.

Fear can come from a number of different places. One place fear can come from is trauma. When something very frightening or overwhelming happens, it may cause a person to install certain requirements or demands in order to preserve safety. For example, you’ve been in a late night car accident, and you now want to control all of the family travel so that there’s no late-night travel going on and no one is allowed to go out after dark. So now you’ve become “controlling.” You’ve installed requirements or demands on others in order to preserve your sense of safety and well-being, to stop the horror from repeating itself.

Another source of control is abandonment (fear of being left alone). If you were left alone at some point as a child or at a point in your marriage, that may result in the kind of controlling behavior where you don’t let your spouse do things on their own or do certain things on their own. You always have to be there, or you always have to do things together.

Betrayal may also lead to controlling relationships with certain kinds of people in order to prevent re-betrayal. For example, if in your first marriage you were sexually betrayed by your spouse, in your second marriage you may marry a faithful person, but you exert control on them to make sure that that previous betrayal doesn’t re-occur, much to the frustration of your current spouse. That can get difficult because it can cause such distress in your marriage that there’s an emotional separation, or drifting apart that occurs between you. Thus, controlling behavior can lead to further dysfunction. 

Now that we’ve talked about a few fear-related causes of control, we’re going to move on to look at mental health. Some mental health issues can cause controlling behavior. Take personality disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Someone with BPD may say if you leave, I’ll hurt myself, or I might not be ok somehow (there’s a clinging aspect of BPD that does relate to fear of abandonment, but it is also a mental health condition and the fear piece is a part of that). 

BPD is something some individuals suffer with, but it is not a common disorder. A more common mental health issue would be anxiety of various forms: generalized anxiety disorder, social phobia (we can’t go out, or we go there and I make you turn around and take me back home), etc. which may manifest as need to control/limit behaviors or activities with others in attempt to reduce the symptoms of anxiety. The other spouse may find themselves saying “why are you always controlling the time that we have to leave. Why can’t we just stay and have a good time. Or, even symptoms of OCD or relational OCD where there is an obsession over the quality of the bond between you.[1] This is not a formally recognized diagnosis in the DSM-5, but it is fairly well documented anecdotally. With relational OCD, there’s an obsession over the quality of the bond between the two of you. One person is always checking up on how things are going, controlling all the things we’re doing together to make sure we’re ok, things are going well, we’re having conversations, etc. The other spouse may feel like “can we not just be together.” Those are experiences in the marriage that are born out of one person’s mental health struggles.

Perfectionism is another possible source of control issues. Perfectionistic people may feel the need to do things right or be seen as doing things right, as having that ideal marriage or that ideal family. This is related to a deep, often unacknowledged sense of personal shame, so they need to appear really well before others, and this may extend to their spouse as well. So, there’s a lot of control about how you both appear when you’re in public, what you both behave like when you’re in public, etc.[2]

Low self-esteem is another cause for control issues. One study reported that 35% of controlling people believe they are “nobody’ and have no value unless they are in a relationship.[3] This means that you are drawing a lot of value from being in a marriage to build up your self-esteem that you are a wanted, loveable person.

Underneath the low self-esteem, there could be a fear of being useless without their spouse or a fear their spouse will reject them if they express their true feelings. Or there may be a belief that nobody else would love them so will do anything to keep their spouse.

Insecurity in your relationship can also lead to control issues. You may feel insecure in the relationship so that you need to control what your spouse is doing, how they’re doing it, and who they are with. You may push away any alternatives to yourself. This may also be due to spousal bad behavior. If your husband flirts with certain kinds of women, and you don’t want to be around those kinds of women as a result and he thinks you’re controlling, he actually needs to face up to what’s going on for him. This is a situation where a spouse may be controlling things because you (as the husband) can’t reliably demonstrate the security of your marriage bond to her.

Research shows that 53% of controlling people indicated they “cling to their relationship as though their life depended on it.”[4] They have a deep concern about not being loved enough, and may feel that they love you more than you love them.

Research shows that 54% of controlling people worry about being dumped to the point where their fear keeps them up at night. That fear/insecurity might result in controlling a lot of the things you do together, or making sure that it’s just you guys together all the time because they’re trying to still this uncertainty they are carrying around.

If you’re listening to this and your spouse is saying “you’re kind of controlling” and you say “you know I do stay up at night worried about our marriage,” that might be something to explore with a therapist. It may be an attachment issue; maybe you had a parent that was unreliably available and you had to work hard to feel some sense of connection. Now your spouse might be a reliably available person, but you can’t rest on that because of that template that was formed in you early on in your life. 

You may be wondering how to tell the difference between this kind of worry about your marriage and the idea that you should go with your gut if you suspect your husband of cheating on you (as an example). This is an important distinction to make. To really understand the fear, you have to look at the evidence surrounding the source of your fear. If you’re thinking about the fear when you are in a calm moment and you think, my husband has actually never done anything that would cause me to doubt him. When I really stop and look at the evidence, I realize it’s ok, but I still have this gnawing fear. Then you want to look for evidence in your family of origin. If there’s a ton of evidence in your family of origin and none in your husband’s life then our gut is sending a warning signal, but it’s sending a warning signal based on a past template. If you grew up in a family that was always there for you and there’s clear, ongoing evidence in your husband’s behavior, then the fear is likely telling you that there may be cause for concern. In short, go for your gut, but make sure the source of the data is based on evidence.

Another reason a spouse might be controlling is having unhealthy ideas of love or what an ideal spouse/marriage looks like. Research shows that 47% of controlling people find themselves drawn to romantic partners who have serious personal, relationship, or psychological issues. So, if you find yourself trying to control your spouse, you might ask yourself if you came to the relationship with the person you are married to with a mentality of trying to fix their problem, or out of some belief that they would be lost without you. 

Sometimes the word codependency comes up (though this has come into some disfavor in the counselling community). It may be more helpful to consider whether you draw worth from supporting, improving, or caretaking your spouse. That means that you really have to control them because they’re a very broken person and they need a lot of help, and when you help them you feel really good about who you are and your ability to make this world a better place. You’re needed and valuable. So, control really gets wrapped up into this mentality. And it’s hard for a person to make a shift from that to the idea that they have to let their spouse take ownership for their life. 

Sometimes, when you take a step back, your spouse’s problems make life harder for you. This raises the question “what is legitimately in your control that you should be taking care of and what is something that your spouse needs to take care of and left to face consequences for. That can be a hard line to walk, but it can bring a great deal of freedom for you both when you walk through it carefully and thoughtfully. (Controlling behavior is tiring for the person doing the controlling as well as the person being controlled).

If there is a mental health issue, it’s important to seek a proper diagnosis and treatment. It can often take some time to face that challenge of figuring out what the issue is and pursuing psychiatric treatment. That requires a lot of support, compassion, care, and thoughtfulness from you as their spouse. 

If you notice that your spouse is exerting controlling behavior in the moment, try to look for the fear. Speak to that fear and reassure it. Stay present and help your spouse to stay present. Voice their fears by saying things like “are you afraid of losing me here? Are you afraid that I might give more attention to these other people than you? I want you to know that I’m aware of this, and I’m going to work really hard tonight to make sure that you know that our marriage is secure, I’m here for you, and you’re my main point of interest. We’re going to go through this together. In doing this, you’re making the commitment more explicit than you may otherwise have thought you need to by verbalizing your commitment to your spouse and allowing your spouse to feel held emotionally and highly valued by you. That reassurance will likely help your spouse feel less of a need for control. If you can communicate and provide some of the safety so that they won’t feel that they have to establish that for themselves. In doing this, you can help your spouse to stay present. You are essentially saying you may fear losing me, but right now I am here, I am present with you, you are loved, you are held. 

A crucial thing to do during a power struggle is to be firm but kind. Articulate your understanding of what is appropriate in a given situation, and what you have decided to do. Remember, you cannot control (or reverse-control) your spouse’s behavior or thoughts. It’s important to focus on your own actions, but in the interest of the marriage bond, not just self-interest.[5]

Sometimes, this can also come back to power struggles. There may be a point where you need to be firm but kind as well. We would encourage spouses to try the more compassionate approach that we’ve just suggested first, and work with that for a while, but there may be other times where you need to articulate your understanding of what’s appropriate in a given situation and what you have decided to do. For example, if your wife doesn’t want you to go to a business meeting with other women, you may say “I have to have this business meeting even though there will be women in the room. I need to have the meeting or I will lose my job” (this is assuming there has been no betrayal, but your spouse has a fear or insecurity). You may need to set a boundary and go to the meeting, but you can ask your wife what she needs in order to feel reassured (e.g. I can check in with you before and after the meeting). Focus on your own actions rather than your spouse’s. You want to act in the interest of the marriage bond as well, not just self-interest. So, rather than saying “I’m going to do this whether you like it or not,” you could say “I’m going to take care of our marriage and I need to do what’s required for my work.” So, it’s marriage interest, not just self-interest that’s motivating this discussion.

Sometimes, you will need to exercise your own power to choose what you will do. Then you can step out of the power struggle and leave your spouse free to decide what they will do.[6] For example, if you’re supposed to go out to dinner at a friend’s house, your spouse’s anxiety sets in, and 30 minutes before going your spouse says “our family isn’t going. We’re staying home.” You may say “I want you to know that I love you, I’m here for you, but these people have put a lot of effort into this, I’m going to go out for dinner. What do you want me to tell them about why you’re not coming? I don’t want to throw you under the bus, but I do need to go.” In this way, you’re setting a boundary by keeping your commitment, but also giving your spouse the freedom to decide whether or not they will go.

In some situations, you can concede and work through the issue later, but other times you need to do what you’ve committed to do, so you’re striving to preserve the integrity of your marriage without allowing it to become the defining feature of your relationship. This can be tough to navigate, and you want to choose carefully where you’re going to exercise your own power to choose, but sometimes you do need to compassionately step out of the power struggle and encourage your spouse to face their fears.