Adult Child of Dysfunction

How much of your personality is really you—and how much of it developed because of what your family needed you to be?

Maybe you're the responsible one, the helper, the peacekeeper, the high achiever, or the person who never needs anything. Maybe you've always described yourself as independent, easygoing, or a people-pleaser.

But have you ever stopped and asked:

Is that actually who I am—or is that who I learned to be?

In this Tammy’s Takes, inspired by my conversation with Margaret Eastman Smith, we're going deeper into generational patterns, family conditioning, self-abandonment, and what happens when we begin separating our authentic selves from the roles we learned to play growing up.

When you're a child, you don't analyze whether your family dynamics are healthy. You adapt to them.

If keeping the peace helps you feel safe, you become the peacekeeper. If achievement earns approval, you achieve. If someone in your family is always struggling, you may become the caretaker. If expressing your needs causes conflict, you may learn not to have—or at least not to express—many needs at all.

Eventually, those survival adaptations can start feeling like personality traits.

And years later, someone asks a seemingly simple question like “What do you want?” and you may genuinely have no idea.

In this episode, we're talking about why that happens and why learning to consider yourself can actually feel uncomfortable when you've spent years focusing on everyone else.

We'll explore self-abandonment, people-pleasing, family roles, inherited beliefs, nervous system safety, and why belonging can sometimes become more important than being yourself.

I'll also give you a simple exercise to begin separating what you inherited from what you consciously choose.

Take a piece of paper and create two columns:

I learned that I should…

What I actually believe or want now…

Maybe you learned:

I should always keep everybody happy.

But today you believe:

Someone else's disappointment doesn't automatically mean I've done something wrong.

Maybe you learned:

Being productive makes me valuable.

But now you're beginning to understand:

My value doesn't disappear when I'm resting.

This isn't about blaming your family or deciding everything you inherited was bad. Margaret's story reminds us that we can inherit beautiful things, too—curiosity, compassion, purpose, connection, resilience, and values we genuinely want to keep.

Healing gives us the opportunity to decide:

This stays. This doesn't. This belief is mine. This one isn't. This part of my family story comes with me. This pattern ends here.

And that's where self-trust begins.

💜 YOUR TAMMY'S TAKES CHALLENGE

This week, catch yourself one time saying:

“That's just who I am.”

Then pause and ask:

Is it? Or did I learn to be this way because it helped me feel safe, loved, needed, accepted, or connected?

You don't have to change it immediately.

Just get curious.

Because you don't have to reject where you came from to become who you are.

You simply get to decide what you're taking with you.

💜 READY TO UNDERSTAND YOUR OWN PATTERNS?

If you're realizing that you don't know where your family's expectations and survival patterns end and you begin, this is exactly the kind of work I help people with.

Book a complimentary Clarity & Calm Call with me:

Book Your Complimentary Clarity & Calm Call

We'll look at the patterns that keep showing up, where they may have started, and how you can begin creating more nervous system safety, self-trust, and connection with the person you actually are.

💜 You survived the dysfunction. Now you get to discover who you are beyond it.

Hey there, I’m so glad you’re here and tuning in! If this episode spoke to your heart, just know there’s even more support waiting for you.

Book Your Free Clarity and Calm Call: No Judgement, just a chat https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/clarity-and-calm-call

If you are curious about where you stand energetically, or just need a frequency boost, book your FREE biofrequency voice scan here: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/complimentary-scan-demo if you want to take part in an amazing club, where you can get unlimited scans and free coaching every month, sign up here: $25 ($250 Value) Join For One Month Here https://workshops.tammyvincent.com/offers/JQz3QDrr/checkout

If you would like to ask a question, and hear the answer in a future episode, please leave your question here: https://www.speakpipe.com/Tammyvincentcoaching

Trials To Triumph: An Adult Child's Emotional Freedom Blueprint: Use code THRIVE25 for 75% off today. https://workshops.tammyvincent.com/offers/DSbcgrZZ/checkout

As an international inspirational speaker, NLP Practitioner, Trauma-Informed Coach, Neurofit Trainer, and Best-Selling Author, I bring both deep personal experience and professional training to the work I do. I believe in prevention, not just intervention — and use a body, mind, and spirit approach to guide others toward becoming the happiest, healthiest versions of themselves.

My holistic toolbox includes nervous system regulation, trauma-informed coaching, nutritional support, and natural healing strategies,

Find ALL THE THINGS HERE: Anything that I have to offer is right here

Did you know I also offer access to an amazing travel savings program that can help you save up to 70% on hotels, resorts, cruises, and more? Let’s compare your next upcoming itinerary and see how much you could save.

👉 Try the Trip Check: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/trip-check

📺 Subscribe to My YouTube Channel

👉 Adult Child of Dysfunction on YouTube

🌟 Book Me to Speak at Your Event

👉 Let’s connect: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/speakers-event-chat

📩 Email: [email protected]

📱 Text: 513-280-3555

🌟 If this episode helped you, please share it with a friend, leave a review, and hit follow. Every share helps break generational cycles and brings healing into more lives.

How much of who you are is actually you—and how much was handed to you by your family, your culture, your religion, and generations that came before you?

In this episode of the Adult Child of Dysfunction Podcast, I sit down with author, historian, and educator Margaret Eastman Smith for a fascinating conversation about generational trauma, family history, identity, belonging, and what happens when you finally begin questioning the life you were taught you were supposed to live.

Margaret spent nearly two decades on the faculty of American University’s International Peace and Conflict Resolution program, studying the role history and memory play in divided societies. But her newest book, A Spectacular Inheritance, turns that lens inward, examining her own family history, her parents’ trauma, and the powerful culture in which she was raised.

Margaret grew up surrounded by people committed to changing the world. There was tremendous purpose and idealism in that environment, but there were also expectations about who she should be, what she should believe, and how she should live.

By age 35, Margaret realized she needed to step outside of that world and discover her own way of living. But leaving was only the beginning.

Because what happens when you've spent your life adapting to the expectations around you and suddenly have to ask:

What do I believe? What do I want? What do I need? And who am I when I'm no longer being who everyone expected me to be?

Margaret describes how, growing up, even the idea of exploring her own needs felt almost forbidden. She also recognized that she had spent years trying to protect and rescue her parents, compromising parts of herself in the process.

And THAT is where this conversation becomes so relevant for adult children of dysfunction.

We talk about how trauma can ripple through generations, how children learn to adapt to the unresolved wounds of their parents, why separating from a family or belief system can leave you wondering who you actually are, and why discovering yourself can feel both incredibly freeing and incredibly scary.

We also get into something I talk about all the time: connection.

If connection didn't feel safe growing up, creating healthy relationships later in life isn't always as simple as deciding you want them. Sometimes we first have to learn how to connect with ourselves. Margaret and I talk about authentic connection, curiosity instead of judgment, learning what genuinely lights you up, and creating enough space in your life to hear your own voice.

We even talk about why stillness can feel so uncomfortable for adult children of dysfunction. When you've spent years being hypervigilant, performing, producing, caretaking, or trying to meet everyone else's expectations, simply sitting with yourself can feel surprisingly unsafe.

This conversation is about more than looking backward.

It's about understanding what you inherited so you can decide what you want to carry forward—and what you're finally ready to leave behind.

Margaret's final message says it beautifully:

Be true to yourself and find connection.

Learn more about Margaret, A Spectacular Inheritance, her writing, and her work:

MargaretEastmanSmith.com

Hey there, I’m so glad you’re here and tuning in! If this episode spoke to your heart, just know there’s even more support waiting for you.

Book Your Free Clarity and Calm Call: No Judgement, just a chat https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/clarity-and-calm-call

If you are curious about where you stand energetically, or just need a frequency boost, book your FREE biofrequency voice scan here: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/complimentary-scan-demo if you want to take part in an amazing club, where you can get unlimited scans and free coaching every month, sign up here: $25 ($250 Value) Join For One Month Here https://workshops.tammyvincent.com/offers/JQz3QDrr/checkout

If you would like to ask a question, and hear the answer in a future episode, please leave your question here: https://www.speakpipe.com/Tammyvincentcoaching

Trials To Triumph: An Adult Child's Emotional Freedom Blueprint: Use code THRIVE25 for 75% off today. https://workshops.tammyvincent.com/offers/DSbcgrZZ/checkout

As an international inspirational speaker, NLP Practitioner, Trauma-Informed Coach, Neurofit Trainer, and Best-Selling Author, I bring both deep personal experience and professional training to the work I do. I believe in prevention, not just intervention — and use a body, mind, and spirit approach to guide others toward becoming the happiest, healthiest versions of themselves.

My holistic toolbox includes nervous system regulation, trauma-informed coaching, nutritional support, and natural healing strategies,

Find ALL THE THINGS HERE: Anything that I have to offer is right here

Did you know I also offer access to an amazing travel savings program that can help you save up to 70% on hotels, resorts, cruises, and more? Let’s compare your next upcoming itinerary and see how much you could save.

👉 Try the Trip Check: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/trip-check

📺 Subscribe to My YouTube Channel

👉 Adult Child of Dysfunction on YouTube

🌟 Book Me to Speak at Your Event

👉 Let’s connect: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/speakers-event-chat

📩 Email: [email protected]

📱 Text: 513-280-3555

🌟 If this episode helped you, please share it with a friend, leave a review, and hit follow. Every share helps break generational cycles and brings healing into more lives.

Have you ever had a relatively small situation create a surprisingly big emotional reaction?

Someone doesn’t text you back. Your partner’s tone changes. Someone seems irritated. You feel left out, criticized, or unappreciated—and suddenly your mind is creating an entire story about what it means.

If you grew up in a dysfunctional or unpredictable family, there may be a reason those moments feel so intense.

In this Tammy’s Takes, I’m following up on my conversation with Meagan DeMatteo and going deeper into something we discussed called emotional sobriety—learning how to experience our emotions without automatically allowing them to determine what something means or what we do next.

For many adult children of dysfunction, being highly aware of other people was once a survival skill. We learned to watch faces, listen to changes in tone, sense the energy in the room, anticipate what might happen next, and adjust ourselves accordingly.

But those patterns don’t necessarily disappear when childhood ends.

Sometimes the person or situation in front of us activates something much older. The emotion we're experiencing is absolutely real—but the story our brain attaches to that emotion may not be the whole truth.

In this episode, I’ll teach you how to begin separating three things that can happen so quickly they feel like one:

The trigger. The feeling. The story.

We’ll also talk about why a big reaction can sometimes be a clue that an old belief or wound has been activated, and how my Body Before Story approach can help you slow down before automatically reacting.

I’ll give you three questions you can use when you notice yourself becoming activated:

What am I feeling?

What story am I telling myself about what just happened?

What do I actually know to be true?

Because there’s a big difference between:

“She hasn't answered my text.”

and

“She hasn't answered because she's upset with me, I did something wrong, and she's pulling away.”

One is what happened.

The other is the story your nervous system may be creating around what happened.

The goal isn't to stop having emotions. Anger, sadness, fear, anxiety, frustration and hurt can all give us valuable information.

The work is learning how to feel the emotion without automatically handing it the steering wheel.

And that little bit of space between the trigger and your response? That’s where you begin to have something you may not have had when you were growing up:

Choice.

💜 READY TO UNDERSTAND THE PATTERNS UNDERNEATH YOUR REACTIONS?

If you grew up in dysfunction and find yourself overthinking, people-pleasing, fearing rejection, shutting down, reacting strongly, or constantly trying to figure out what everyone around you is thinking or feeling, this is exactly the kind of work I help people with.

Book your complimentary Clarity & Calm Call here:

Book Your Complimentary Clarity & Calm Call

We can look at the patterns that keep showing up in your life, what may be underneath them, and how you can begin building more nervous system safety, emotional regulation, and self-trust.

💜 You survived the dysfunction. Now you get to discover who you are beyond it.

What does emotional sobriety mean for adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families? If childhood trauma taught you to stay on guard, people please, expect disappointment, overreact to triggers, or constantly prepare for what might go wrong, you may still be reacting to life through survival patterns you learned years ago.

In Part Two of my conversation with Meagan DeMatteo, author of Emotionally Sober and Unimaginably Good, we go deeper into what happens when childhood dysfunction follows us into adulthood—not just through our thoughts, but through our emotions, relationships, reactions, and nervous system.

Meagan shares a powerful idea from her own ACA recovery: adult children can become reactors instead of actors.

When you grow up around alcoholism, addiction, trauma, or unpredictability, you learn to respond to what's happening around you. You put out fires. You stay prepared. You protect yourself from disappointment. You learn to watch the people around you instead of asking yourself what you want or need.

Those survival skills may have helped you navigate childhood, but they can also follow you into adulthood as hypervigilance, people pleasing, emotional reactivity, control, distrust, anxiety, and the feeling that you always have to be prepared for something to go wrong.

That's where emotional sobriety comes in.

In this conversation, Meaghan and I explore what it looks like to experience an emotion without allowing that emotion to automatically control your reaction, your relationships, or the story you create about what's happening.

We talk about triggers, emotional regulation, inner child healing, reparenting yourself, people pleasing, self-trust, subconscious beliefs, nervous system regulation, and learning to pause before those old knee-jerk survival responses take over.

Meaghan shares a powerful example from her own healing when she began noticing an old belief underneath many of her reactions:

“Everybody always needs something from me.”

Instead of shaming herself for having the reaction or immediately trying to convince herself that it wasn't true, she learned to listen to that younger part of herself.

She observed it.

She acknowledged it.

She created safety around it.

And then she began looking for evidence that the belief she had carried for so long might not actually be true anymore.

That's an important distinction for adult children:

Awareness is the first step. But awareness gives us the opportunity to choose what happens next.

We also talk about learning to name your emotions, noticing where you feel them in your body, understanding the beliefs underneath your reactions, building new patterns, allowing yourself to be witnessed, and realizing that having an emotion doesn't mean you have to act on it.

Because emotional regulation isn't about never getting triggered.

Healing isn't about never feeling angry, scared, disappointed, overwhelmed, ashamed, or hurt.

It's about learning how to experience those emotions without allowing them to run your life.

And Meaghan leaves us with a beautiful reminder:

Emotion is energy in motion.

It moves.

You don't have to suppress it.

You don't have to be afraid of it.

And you don't have to let it drive the bus.

If you've ever wondered why you can logically know you're safe but still have a huge emotional reaction—or why something seemingly small can trigger something that feels much bigger—this episode will help you begin looking underneath the reaction.

Because sometimes the adult you knows everything is okay...

while a much younger part of you is still preparing for what used to happen next.

💜 If you haven't listened to Part One of my conversation with Meaghan, go back and listen to that episode first, then come back for this deeper conversation about emotional sobriety, childhood trauma, ACA recovery, inner child healing, emotional regulation, nervous system healing, self-trust, and creating a life that is more than simply survivable.

Meaghan DiMatteo is the author of Emotionally Sober and Unimaginably Good. Through her writing and lived experience, she explores emotional sobriety, ACA recovery, childhood survival patterns, self-awareness, and what becomes possible when we begin taking responsibility for our healing without shaming ourselves for how we learned to survive.

Continue the conversation with Meaghan and follow her work on emotional sobriety, emotional recovery, ACA recovery, and creating an unimaginably good life.

📸 Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/megdematteo

✍️ Substack — The Unimaginably Good Life:

https://substack.com/@megdematteo

If you're beginning to recognize your own childhood survival patterns and you're ready to understand what's underneath the people pleasing, overthinking, triggers, self-doubt, or emotional reactions, you don't have to figure it out alone.

💜 Learn more about Tammy's coaching, resources, and support:

https://www.tammyvincent.com/

💜 Book a complimentary Clarity & Calm Call:

https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/clarity-and-calm-call

🎧 Follow the Adult Child of Dysfunction Podcast for more conversations about adult children of alcoholics, dysfunctional families, childhood trauma healing, nervous system regulation, emotional neglect, people pleasing, boundaries, self-trust, inner child healing, and breaking generational patterns.

You are allowed to feel your emotions without letting them run your life. 💜

Have you ever walked away from a conversation thinking, Why didn't I say something? I knew exactly what I wanted to say—why couldn't I say it?

Maybe someone crossed a boundary and you froze. Maybe you automatically said, “It's fine,” even though it wasn't. Maybe someone asked what you wanted and you immediately said, “I don't care.” Then, 20 minutes later, when you were safely by yourself, all the words finally came.

That doesn't necessarily mean you don't have a voice.

Your nervous system may have learned that using it wasn't safe.

In this Tammy's Takes, I'm going deeper into something that came up during my conversation with Rich Dunning, author of Silence Was My First Language. Rich described how silence became part of surviving his childhood and how those protective patterns continued long after the original danger was gone.

For those of us who grew up in dysfunctional families, speaking up may once have had consequences. Maybe disagreeing led to anger. Having needs created problems. Saying no wasn't allowed. Expressing feelings got you mocked, dismissed, punished, or ignored.

Eventually, nobody has to tell you to stay quiet anymore. Your nervous system can begin doing it automatically.

In this episode, I'm teaching you how that childhood survival response can show up in adulthood as freezing, people-pleasing, going blank, automatically agreeing, struggling to set boundaries, or knowing exactly what you wanted to say only after the conversation is over.

Most importantly, we're talking about how to begin changing it.

I'll walk you through a simple Body Before Story approach for those moments when you feel yourself shutting down. Instead of forcing yourself to find the perfect words, we start by helping the body recognize that this moment is different from the ones it learned to survive.

And finding your voice doesn't mean becoming the loudest person in the room. It can begin with something as small as saying, “Let me think about that and get back to you,” recognizing “I actually don't want that,” or simply admitting your truth to yourself.

This week, I want you to notice one moment when your automatic response doesn't match what you're actually feeling and ask yourself:

“If I knew it was completely safe to tell the truth right now, what would I say?”

Your voice isn't necessarily gone.

It may have been protected.

And now you can begin teaching your nervous system that it's safe to use it again.

💜 READY TO START RECOGNIZING YOUR OWN PATTERNS?

If you recognize yourself in this episode—if you freeze, shut down, people-please, struggle to say no, or can't find your words when you need them—this is exactly the kind of work I help people with.

Book a complimentary Clarity & Calm Call and let's look at the patterns that keep showing up, what may be underneath them, and how you can begin building the internal safety and self-trust to respond differently.

Book Your Complimentary Clarity & Calm Call

You survived the dysfunction. Now you get to discover who you are beyond it.

Hey there, I’m so glad you’re here and tuning in! If this episode spoke to your heart, just know there’s even more support waiting for you.

Book Your Free Clarity and Calm Call: No Judgement, just a chat https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/clarity-and-calm-call

If you are curious about where you stand energetically, or just need a frequency boost, book your FREE biofrequency voice scan here: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/complimentary-scan-demo if you want to take part in an amazing club, where you can get unlimited scans and free coaching every month, sign up here: $25 ($250 Value) Join For One Month Here https://workshops.tammyvincent.com/offers/JQz3QDrr/checkout

If you would like to ask a question, and hear the answer in a future episode, please leave your question here: https://www.speakpipe.com/Tammyvincentcoaching

Trials To Triumph: An Adult Child's Emotional Freedom Blueprint: Use code THRIVE25 for 75% off today. https://workshops.tammyvincent.com/offers/DSbcgrZZ/checkout

As an international inspirational speaker, NLP Practitioner, Trauma-Informed Coach, Neurofit Trainer, and Best-Selling Author, I bring both deep personal experience and professional training to the work I do. I believe in prevention, not just intervention — and use a body, mind, and spirit approach to guide others toward becoming the happiest, healthiest versions of themselves.

My holistic toolbox includes nervous system regulation, trauma-informed coaching, nutritional support, and natural healing strategies,

Find ALL THE THINGS HERE: Anything that I have to offer is right here

Did you know I also offer access to an amazing travel savings program that can help you save up to 70% on hotels, resorts, cruises, and more? Let’s compare your next upcoming itinerary and see how much you could save.

👉 Try the Trip Check: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/trip-check

📺 Subscribe to My YouTube Channel

👉 Adult Child of Dysfunction on YouTube

🌟 Book Me to Speak at Your Event

👉 Let’s connect: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/speakers-event-chat

📩 Email: [email protected]

📱 Text: 513-280-3555

🌟 If this episode helped you, please share it with a friend, leave a review, and hit follow. Every share helps break generational cycles and brings healing into more lives.

What happens when silence becomes your first survival skill?

Rich Dunning spent much of his childhood learning that staying quiet could keep him safe. Growing up surrounded by violence, poverty, instability, food insecurity and addiction, Rich learned how to survive long before he ever had the chance to simply be a child.

At just seven years old, alcohol entered his life. By 16, Rich was homeless, secretly sleeping in an abandoned train station while continuing to attend school, play baseball and maintain the appearance that everything was okay.

But surviving childhood didn't mean those survival patterns disappeared when childhood ended.

Rich went on to build a career, get married and raise a family, while underneath he continued to struggle with fear, distrust, unresolved trauma and an addiction to alcohol that eventually threatened everything he loved.

In this powerful and deeply honest conversation, Rich and Tammy talk about how childhood trauma follows us into adulthood, why silence and hypervigilance can become automatic survival responses, the impact addiction has on an entire family, and what it really takes to begin healing.

Now nine years sober, Rich is the author of Silence Was My First Language: A Memoir of Childhood Trauma, Addiction, Survival, and Recovery and founder of the First Language Foundation, turning his lived experience into a mission to help vulnerable children.

This episode is ultimately a story of hope and a reminder that no matter where you started, your beginnings do not have to determine your ending.

Connect with Rich:

Website & Book:

www.Richdunningbooks.com

First Language Foundation:

www.firstlanguagefoundation.org

LinkedIn:

https://www.linkedin.com/in/rich-dunning-9a3137360/

Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/richdunningbooks/

TikTok:

https://www.tiktok.com/@richdunningbooks

Silence Was My First Language releases worldwide on October 6, including audiobook. Rich shares in the episode that those who preorder through his website before October 6 will also receive six unpublished chapters.

🎧 Listen now and remember: your past may explain your patterns, but it does not have to define your future.

Hey there, I’m so glad you’re here and tuning in! If this episode spoke to your heart, just know there’s even more support waiting for you.

Book Your Free Clarity and Calm Call: No Judgement, just a chat https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/clarity-and-calm-call

If you are curious about where you stand energetically, or just need a frequency boost, book your FREE biofrequency voice scan here: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/complimentary-scan-demo if you want to take part in an amazing club, where you can get unlimited scans and free coaching every month, sign up here: $25 ($250 Value) Join For One Month Here https://workshops.tammyvincent.com/offers/JQz3QDrr/checkout

If you would like to ask a question, and hear the answer in a future episode, please leave your question here: https://www.speakpipe.com/Tammyvincentcoaching

Trials To Triumph: An Adult Child's Emotional Freedom Blueprint: Use code THRIVE25 for 75% off today. https://workshops.tammyvincent.com/offers/DSbcgrZZ/checkout

As an international inspirational speaker, NLP Practitioner, Trauma-Informed Coach, Neurofit Trainer, and Best-Selling Author, I bring both deep personal experience and professional training to the work I do. I believe in prevention, not just intervention — and use a body, mind, and spirit approach to guide others toward becoming the happiest, healthiest versions of themselves.

My holistic toolbox includes nervous system regulation, trauma-informed coaching, nutritional support, and natural healing strategies,

Find ALL THE THINGS HERE: Anything that I have to offer is right here

Did you know I also offer access to an amazing travel savings program that can help you save up to 70% on hotels, resorts, cruises, and more? Let’s compare your next upcoming itinerary and see how much you could save.

👉 Try the Trip Check: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/trip-check

📺 Subscribe to My YouTube Channel

👉 Adult Child of Dysfunction on YouTube

🌟 Book Me to Speak at Your Event

👉 Let’s connect: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/speakers-event-chat

📩 Email: [email protected]

📱 Text: 513-280-3555

🌟 If this episode helped you, please share it with a friend, leave a review, and hit follow. Every share helps break generational cycles and brings healing into more lives.

Do you rehearse conversations before they happen, anticipate how someone will react, or find yourself worrying about problems that don't even exist yet?

For many adult children of dysfunctional families, overthinking and catastrophizing aren't just bad habits. They can be old survival patterns.

In my conversation with Chris Wasco, we talked about what she calls “recycled thoughts”—replaying past experiences and using them to prepare ourselves for what might happen next.

And it made me think about how many adult children live five steps ahead of their own lives.

What if they're mad at me?

What if I say the wrong thing?

What if they leave?

What if I fail?

What if something bad happens?

It feels like you're worrying about the future.

But sometimes, your nervous system is actually responding to the past.

If you grew up in an unpredictable or dysfunctional home, anticipating what might happen next may have helped you feel safer. You learned to read the room, monitor people's moods, rehearse what you were going to say, and prepare for conflict before it happened.

That pattern may have protected you then.

But your nervous system may still be running the same emergency drills today.

In this episode of Tammy's Takes, we're talking about how to interrupt that rehearsal and come back to the present.

I'll walk you through three questions you can begin using when you notice yourself spiraling:

Is this actually happening right now?

What do I KNOW versus what am I PREDICTING?

What do I need right now to feel a little safer in this moment?

Because you don't always need to think your way out of an activated nervous system.

Sometimes you need to help your body recognize that you're here, now.

Chris also shared the idea that healing happens through micro movements—small changes that your body has time to integrate rather than forcing yourself to change everything overnight.

Maybe healing isn't never getting triggered again.

Maybe it's noticing the spiral sooner.

Questioning the story.

Coming back to your body.

Recognizing that a fear is a prediction rather than a fact.

And slowly teaching your nervous system:

That was then. This is now.

You don't have to keep rehearsing yesterday to survive tomorrow.

If you're constantly overthinking, anticipating other people's reactions, rehearsing conversations, catastrophizing, or feeling responsible for everyone else's emotions, there may be an old survival pattern underneath it.

Book a FREE Clarity & Calm Call with me.

We'll talk about what's happening in your life now and begin identifying the patterns that may still be keeping your nervous system stuck preparing for danger.

💜 BOOK YOUR FREE CLARITY & CALM CALL

Hey there, I’m so glad you’re here and tuning in! If this episode spoke to your heart, just know there’s even more support waiting for you.

Book Your Free Clarity and Calm Call: No Judgement, just a chat https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/clarity-and-calm-call

If you are curious about where you stand energetically, or just need a frequency boost, book your FREE biofrequency voice scan here: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/complimentary-scan-demo if you want to take part in an amazing club, where you can get unlimited scans and free coaching every month, sign up here: $25 ($250 Value) Join For One Month Here https://workshops.tammyvincent.com/offers/JQz3QDrr/checkout

If you would like to ask a question, and hear the answer in a future episode, please leave your question here: https://www.speakpipe.com/Tammyvincentcoaching

Trials To Triumph: An Adult Child's Emotional Freedom Blueprint: Use code THRIVE25 for 75% off today. https://workshops.tammyvincent.com/offers/DSbcgrZZ/checkout

As an international inspirational speaker, NLP Practitioner, Trauma-Informed Coach, Neurofit Trainer, and Best-Selling Author, I bring both deep personal experience and professional training to the work I do. I believe in prevention, not just intervention — and use a body, mind, and spirit approach to guide others toward becoming the happiest, healthiest versions of themselves.

My holistic toolbox includes nervous system regulation, trauma-informed coaching, nutritional support, and natural healing strategies,

Find ALL THE THINGS HERE: Anything that I have to offer is right here

Did you know I also offer access to an amazing travel savings program that can help you save up to 70% on hotels, resorts, cruises, and more? Let’s compare your next upcoming itinerary and see how much you could save.

👉 Try the Trip Check: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/trip-check

📺 Subscribe to My YouTube Channel

👉 Adult Child of Dysfunction on YouTube

🌟 Book Me to Speak at Your Event

👉 Let’s connect: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/speakers-event-chat

📩 Email: [email protected]

📱 Text: 513-280-3555

🌟 If this episode helped you, please share it with a friend, leave a review, and hit follow. Every share helps break generational cycles and brings healing into more lives.

What happens when you grow up learning not to trust what you see, feel, or know?

In this episode of the Adult Child of Dysfunction Podcast, I sit down with Chris Wasko, energy healer, spiritual counselor, psychic medium, creator of Spicy Old Souls, and author of An Old Soul's Journey: A Guide to Inner Child Healing and Conscious Evolution.

Chris shares her experience growing up with narcissistic and abusive parents and eventually making the incredibly difficult decision to walk away. She describes how that decision began a healing journey that she believes also opened intuitive and spiritual abilities that trauma had previously muted.

We explore something so many adult children understand: when you're repeatedly taught that your perceptions are wrong, you eventually stop trusting yourself. We talk about intuition, trauma, nervous system patterns, boundaries, self-love, family estrangement, and what Chris describes as the energetic weight we can continue carrying long after an experience has ended.

Chris also shares the importance of releasing the expectation that our parents will someday become the people we needed them to be—and learning to give ourselves the love and acceptance we spent years seeking from others.

And one of my favorite reminders from this conversation:

Healing can happen in micro movements.

You don't have to change everything overnight. Small shifts in awareness, movement, breath, and self-compassion can begin interrupting old patterns and bringing you back to yourself.

Whether you identify as an old soul, are curious about energy healing, or simply want to understand why childhood trauma can make trusting yourself so difficult, this conversation offers a different perspective on healing and reconnecting with yourself.

🌐 Website + Free Quiz:

ChrisWasko.com

📘 Facebook:

@ChrisWaskoMedium

▶️ YouTube:

@EnergyHealingWithChris

Chris specifically encourages listeners to take her free quiz if they're curious about their own energy and whether the results resonate with them.

If you're beginning to recognize how your childhood may still be affecting your self-trust, relationships, boundaries, or nervous system, I'd love to help you take the next step.

Hey there, I’m so glad you’re here and tuning in! If this episode spoke to your heart, just know there’s even more support waiting for you.

Book Your Free Clarity and Calm Call: No Judgement, just a chat https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/clarity-and-calm-call

If you are curious about where you stand energetically, or just need a frequency boost, book your FREE biofrequency voice scan here: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/complimentary-scan-demo if you want to take part in an amazing club, where you can get unlimited scans and free coaching every month, sign up here: $25 ($250 Value) Join For One Month Here https://workshops.tammyvincent.com/offers/JQz3QDrr/checkout

If you would like to ask a question, and hear the answer in a future episode, please leave your question here: https://www.speakpipe.com/Tammyvincentcoaching

Trials To Triumph: An Adult Child's Emotional Freedom Blueprint: Use code THRIVE25 for 75% off today. https://workshops.tammyvincent.com/offers/DSbcgrZZ/checkout

As an international inspirational speaker, NLP Practitioner, Trauma-Informed Coach, Neurofit Trainer, and Best-Selling Author, I bring both deep personal experience and professional training to the work I do. I believe in prevention, not just intervention — and use a body, mind, and spirit approach to guide others toward becoming the happiest, healthiest versions of themselves.

My holistic toolbox includes nervous system regulation, trauma-informed coaching, nutritional support, and natural healing strategies,

Find ALL THE THINGS HERE: Anything that I have to offer is right here

Did you know I also offer access to an amazing travel savings program that can help you save up to 70% on hotels, resorts, cruises, and more? Let’s compare your next upcoming itinerary and see how much you could save.

👉 Try the Trip Check: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/trip-check

📺 Subscribe to My YouTube Channel

👉 Adult Child of Dysfunction on YouTube

🌟 Book Me to Speak at Your Event

👉 Let’s connect: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/speakers-event-chat

📩 Email: [email protected]

📱 Text: 513-280-3555

🌟 If this episode helped you, please share it with a friend, leave a review, and hit follow. Every share helps break generational cycles and brings healing into more lives.

Why do we keep doing things we know aren't helping us?

Maybe you drink to relax.

Maybe you reach for food when you're not hungry.

Maybe you disappear into your phone.

Maybe you procrastinate, overwork, people please, isolate, shop, shut down, or stay so busy that you never have to sit with what you're feeling.

Then comes the judgment:

“Why do I keep doing this?”

“Why can't I just stop?”

“What is wrong with me?”

But what if that's the wrong question?

In my conversation with Colleen Clifford, author of Life Beyond the Binge, she said something that applies to so much more than alcohol:

“There's a story beneath our behavior.”

That's what we're exploring in this week's Tammy's Takes.

For many adult children of dysfunctional families, behaviors that look unhealthy, frustrating, or even self-sabotaging today may have once provided something important:

Relief. Escape. Comfort. Control. Connection. Reassurance. A dopamine hit. Or simply a way to avoid feeling something that felt too difficult to feel.

Instead of immediately asking:

“How do I make myself stop?”

I want you to begin asking:

“What is this behavior doing FOR me?”

Because when we remove a behavior without understanding the need underneath it, that need doesn't necessarily disappear. Sometimes we simply find another way to meet it.

In this episode, I'll show you how to start identifying the story beneath your own patterns by noticing what happens immediately before the behavior and asking what you're actually needing in that moment.

We'll also talk about why one setback doesn't erase your progress, how the inner critic can turn one difficult moment into shame, and why curiosity can create change where self-judgment keeps us stuck.

Colleen offered another beautifully simple question during our conversation:

“How is it working for you?”

Not whether the behavior is “good” or “bad.”

How is it working for YOU?

Is it creating the life you want?

Or is it costing you your peace, relationships, health, confidence, time, or connection with yourself?

This week, instead of asking:

“What's wrong with me?”

Try asking:

“What is this trying to do for me?”

Because when you understand the story beneath the behavior, you finally have an opportunity to work with the pattern instead of spending your life fighting yourself.

Maybe you already know you people please.

You know you procrastinate.

You know you overthink, shut down, numb, overwork, or repeatedly end up in relationships that leave you feeling the same way.

You know what you're doing.

You just don't understand why you keep doing it.

That's exactly the kind of work I love doing.

Book a FREE Clarity & Calm Call with me. We'll talk about what's showing up in your life and begin looking underneath the behavior at the beliefs, experiences, and survival patterns that may still be influencing you today.

You don't have to come to the call knowing the answer.

Finding the answer is part of the work we can begin doing together.

💜 BOOK YOUR FREE CLARITY & CALM CALL WITH TAMMY

Binge drinking, gray area drinking, childhood pain, shame, and the hidden reasons we reach for alcohol with Life Beyond the Binge author Colleen Clifford.

You don't drink every day. You don't drink alone. You can go weeks without alcohol. So you couldn't possibly have a drinking problem... right?

In this episode of the Adult Child of Dysfunction Podcast, I sit down with Colleen Clifford, author of Life Beyond the Binge: A Commercial Fisherwoman's Journey Home, for an honest conversation about binge drinking, gray area drinking, shame, and the stories hiding underneath the behaviors we use to escape what we're feeling.

For years, Colleen could easily rationalize her relationship with alcohol because most of the time, drinking didn't create a problem. She calls it her “95/5 factor.” But that small percentage when things went too far carried risks that could change her life—or someone else's—forever. Eventually, one frightening experience forced her to ask whether alcohol was worth that risk.

But this conversation isn't really just about alcohol.

It's about the story beneath the behavior.

Colleen shares how she eventually uncovered an old painful belief that she wasn't lovable—and how that belief had quietly influenced her choices for years. We talk about why adult children often reach for alcohol, food, scrolling, relationships, or other quick sources of relief when uncomfortable emotions surface.

We also explore shame, the inner critic, self-worth, accountability, relapse, learning to celebrate progress instead of demanding perfection, and why getting curious about a behavior can be far more powerful than judging yourself for it.

Colleen offers one beautifully simple question:

“How is it working for you?”

If a behavior repeatedly leaves you feeling ashamed, afraid, disconnected, or wondering what happened the night before, maybe you don't need another excuse for it.

Maybe you need to become curious about what's underneath it.

And sometimes, saying yes to yourself is the first step toward changing everything.

Colleen offers listeners a FREE Self-Guided Journey Workbook designed to help you begin exploring the story beneath your behavior.

She also offers a free call after completing the workbook to talk through what you discovered.

Visit Life Beyond the Binge + Get Colleen's Resources

Colleen also discusses The Exhale, her intimate women's retreat planned for Bali in April 2027, centered around exploring the story beneath your behavior, reconnecting with who you are, and beginning to rewrite where your story goes next.

Hey there, I’m so glad you’re here and tuning in! If this episode spoke to your heart, just know there’s even more support waiting for you.

Book Your Free Clarity and Calm Call: No Judgement, just a chat https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/clarity-and-calm-call

If you are curious about where you stand energetically, or just need a frequency boost, book your FREE biofrequency voice scan here: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/complimentary-scan-demo if you want to take part in an amazing club, where you can get unlimited scans and free coaching every month, sign up here: $25 ($250 Value) Join For One Month Here https://workshops.tammyvincent.com/offers/JQz3QDrr/checkout

If you would like to ask a question, and hear the answer in a future episode, please leave your question here: https://www.speakpipe.com/Tammyvincentcoaching

Trials To Triumph: An Adult Child's Emotional Freedom Blueprint: Use code THRIVE25 for 75% off today. https://workshops.tammyvincent.com/offers/DSbcgrZZ/checkout

As an international inspirational speaker, NLP Practitioner, Trauma-Informed Coach, Neurofit Trainer, and Best-Selling Author, I bring both deep personal experience and professional training to the work I do. I believe in prevention, not just intervention — and use a body, mind, and spirit approach to guide others toward becoming the happiest, healthiest versions of themselves.

My holistic toolbox includes nervous system regulation, trauma-informed coaching, nutritional support, and natural healing strategies,

Find ALL THE THINGS HERE: Anything that I have to offer is right here

Did you know I also offer access to an amazing travel savings program that can help you save up to 70% on hotels, resorts, cruises, and more? Let’s compare your next upcoming itinerary and see how much you could save.

👉 Try the Trip Check: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/trip-check

📺 Subscribe to My YouTube Channel

👉 Adult Child of Dysfunction on YouTube

🌟 Book Me to Speak at Your Event

👉 Let’s connect: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/speakers-event-chat

📩 Email: [email protected]

📱 Text: 513-280-3555

🌟 If this episode helped you, please share it with a friend, leave a review, and hit follow. Every share helps break generational cycles and brings healing into more lives.