Right now, in the United States, trauma is speaking. Prejudice and racism wounds, and are potentially traumatizing to anyone who experiences them. But listening to another person’s trauma is a challenging thing to do, especially if we perceive that we may have played a part in their experience — even when remaining silent or looking away. Let’s talk about how to listen when trauma speaks.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #93:

• The listening boundary is the most challenging boundary for most of us. When we feel at fault or like we’re being blamed for trauma, it takes the listening boundary to a whole new level. 
• Prejudice and racism are spread very much like the coronavirus; people who appear not to be infected can infect quite a few people, and the results can be deadly.
• What has happened since Mr. Floyd’s death is the result of centuries of oppression, discrimination, and systemic, institutionalized racism.
• Notice any urges you have to defend, explain, or make the other person feel better. This is usually a sign that you’ve strayed into defensiveness.

Highlights from Episode #93:

• Vicki makes a clarification, then introduces today’s episode on how to listen when trauma speaks. [00:39]
• We hear Vicki’s thoughts on the use of the words “white” and “Black” to describe people. She then shares some of her own journey. [04:19]
• Despite having intentionally and actively worked against it, Vicki still counts herself as a product of the racial conditioning that she received as a child. [11:17]
• Vicki shares a jaw-dropping story about unaware racism. [18:03]
• Discomfort can make it difficult to listen when trauma speaks. [22:36]
• What’s the solution? How do we listen to another person’s trauma? Vicki offers some tips and advice, and emphasizes the importance of listening. [30:01]
• Vicki offers some observations about the way that white people try to make things better, but end up making them worse. [34:43]
• White people will never know what it feels like to be a person of color. Vicki invites white listeners to have curiosity, embrace humility, and to try to stay open to the reality that others may have very different life circumstances and experiences. [39:12]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• Kenneth and Mamie Clark's Doll Experiments 
• Jane Elliott (Blue Eyes & Brown Eyes Exercise) 
• Toni Morrison
• Maya Angelou
• J. California Cooper
• Angela Davis
• Alice Walker
• Zora Neale Hurston
• Leon Waters
• Center for the Healing of Racism

The title may be wishful thinking, but I want to make a case for it! Boundaries are about protection, and in boundaries terms, wearing a face mask is about protecting other people. I want to dig into this today, and talk about wearing a mask as an act of compassion, courage, honor, strength, and patriotism.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #92:

• Two factors, among many, that contribute to our COVID-19 death rate in the US are our failed healthcare system and our rugged individualistic mindset. In the US, we have under 5% of the world’s population, but almost a third of the worldwide deaths from COVID.
• We also have a collective denial around the toxic legacy of slavery in the US, and how that legacy has contributed to health and healthcare disparities by race. The coronavirus mortality rate for Black Americans is 2.4 times higher than for white Americans. 
• Instead of coming together to fight the virus, we’re engaged in a mask war. Imagine how differently things might have gone, and how many lives might have been saved, if US citizens had been inspired to view wearing masks and physical distancing as patriotic and honorable actions.
• Wearing a face mask is an act of accountability. It’s an honest and humble admission that you’re not sure if you can infect someone, and a choice to do what you can to protect others.

Highlights from Episode #92:

• Welcome to episode 92! Vicki starts off with a story about her time with Thich Nhat Hanh in the 1990s. [00:39]
• Vicki talks about the current pandemic numbers, which are staggering when it comes to the number of deaths in the US. [05:48]
• We’re now engaged in a mask war, Vicki points out. She then explains the role of masks in boundaries terms. [09:08]
• Vicki invites listeners to imagine what it might have been like if the country had been inspired to wear masks and practice physical distancing as patriotic actions. [13:00]
• We hear about accountability, as well as a powerfully disarming question you can ask when you need to make amends. [16:13]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• Thich Nhat Hanh
• Coronavirus Map: Tracking the Global Outbreak, The New York Times, May 28, 2020
• The Color of Coronavirus: COVID-19 Deaths by Race and Ethnicity in the U.S., APM Research Labs, May 27, 2020
• U.S. Defense Spending Compared to Other Countries, Peter G. Peterson Foundation, May 13, 2020

Last week, I had a totally new realization about a new boundaries framework. I stumbled on another way to conceptualize the way we experience boundaries or limits, and that’s what I want to share with you today. This is all about the hierarchy of boundaries, and whether or not boundaries are optional. Do some of us get a pass on boundaries, or get to decide that boundaries don’t apply? Tune in as I talk about anyone is “above the law” as it comes to boundaries.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #91:

• The hierarchy of boundaries has six levels. In order, these are: personal limits, relationship limits, limits we create with other people with agreement, rules or regulations, laws, and universal laws.
• The first two levels are all about boundaries that you have the power to create as you navigate your relationships with other people (or yourself). Both of these boundaries are ones where you have control.
• The next two levels involve agreements with other people. In the third level, you have the power to make an agreement with someone else; in the fourth, you make your choice to be subject to rules and regulations by choosing to be part of an organization or community.
• Violating the boundaries in the fifth level, laws, can carry serious consequences, even up to losing your life if you’re sentenced to the death penalty. The sixth level is the level at which none of can escape the consequences of boundaries or limits.

Highlights from Episode #91:

• Vicki welcomes listeners to the episode, and introduces this week’s topic. [00:39]
• There is a hierarchy of the way that we experience limits, Vicki explains, and briefly introduces the six levels. [02:37]
• We hear about the first and second levels of the hierarchy in more depth. [05:13]
• The third level is about creating boundaries by agreement with other people. [08:27]
• The next level of the hierarchy involves rules and regulations of organizations or communities. [11:15]
• The fifth level involves laws created by nations or states. [13:01]
• Vicki gives examples of situations where someone may escalate through the levels of boundaries. [14:53]
• We learn about the final level in the hierarchy of limits, which is universal laws like gravity, time, and viruses like COVID-19. [17:24] 

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram

How do you stop or change thoughts that harm you? This time of uncertainty, vocational insecurity, job loss, and other upheavals is the perfect opportunity to explore being more aware of our thinking, and how our thoughts impact our emotions (and our lives). Let’s talk about seven ways you can turn around unproductive or harmful thoughts.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #90:

• Even in the best of times, our thoughts are usually our worst enemy. Your thoughts create your emotions, and negative thoughts damage your confidence. In other words, our thoughts profoundly influence every area of our lives.
• Examples of harmful thoughts include replaying a small incident over and over in your mind, getting over-involved in what other people are doing, or thoughts that you’re inadequate or less-than.
• One of the best ways to stop unproductive and painful thinking is simply to divert your thoughts. Another option is to connect with your senses. 
• Most of us are masters at finding evidence to support our negative thoughts. Try turning this around and finding evidence of what you want to experience more of.
• Stop hanging out with people who are negative, or who damage your confidence. Another strategy is to write down all of your hurtful, unproductive, or toxic thoughts.

Highlights from Episode #90:

• Welcome to Episode 90! Vicki shares her wishes for listeners, and makes an announcement about her upcoming free live call about how the pandemic is giving us all a masterclass on boundaries. Click here to sign up! [00:39]
• Vicki dives into today’s topic: how to stop unproductive and harmful thinking. [02:31]
• Thoughts happen to us; we don’t choose them. Vicki shares a simple question to prove this point, and talks about the role of thoughts in our mood. [05:51]
• What are unproductive thoughts? Vicki gives some examples to clarify. [13:44]
• Vicki starts talking about solutions, and shares seven ways to stop unproductive and painful thinking. [20:08]
• We hear about Byron Katie and her powerful process called The Work. [28:04]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• Pia Mellody
• How a Global Pandemic is Giving Us a Masterclass on Boundaries. Free Live Call with Vicki May 13, 2020. Click here to sign up.
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #43: Increase Your Confidence With These 5 Boundaries
• Byron Katie, The Work

The challenges around structure, limit-setting, and boundaries are continuing throughout the coronavirus situation, so this is another of what I’m calling “The Pandemic Episodes.” What does life look like if it stays the same for many months — or years — to come? When one day blurs into another, it’s so easy to fall into bad habits. Grab a pen and some paper, and get ready for a workshop-inspired episode to help you fix what’s not working in your schedule.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #89:

• Whenever you want to change something, the first thing to do is to review what’s not working in the situation so you can figure out what to do about it. Get a piece of paper and write it down!
• Next, write down all of the possible solutions for each problem you’ve come up with. Don’t censor yourself; write down whatever comes to mind.
• Once you have your potential solutions, come up with a strategy that will work for you. Try pairing something you want to do with something you’re already doing.
• Calendarizing is so important. Each week, write out a calendar for what you want to accomplish the next week.

Highlights from Episode #89:

• Vicki welcomes listeners to this episode, which will help you get a better schedule! She starts off by talking about what she’s seeing in Houston, Texas. [00:40]
• We hear Vicki’s thoughts on how long the current situation will continue, and how that relates to today’s episode. [05:24]
• Vicki shares the first step when you want to change something. [08:04]
• The next step is to write down all of the possible solutions. Vicki talks about this strategy, as well as about figuring out what kind of structure works for you. [10:54]
• Your next assignment in this workshop episode is to come up with a strategy or plan. [14:51]
• Vicki talks about her process for writing out her weekly calendar. [15:59]
• Be willing to adjust, revisit, and course-correct anything that’s not working for you. And don't forget, baby steps! [19:28]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• Strategic Coach
• Bullet Journal

I hope you and your loved ones are safe and healthy during this pandemic. A few weeks ago, when I did my first episode about COVID-19, I thought that would be my only episode on the topic. But here I am doing Part 3, because things continue to shift and change. This one will be a bit different than usual, with more of a hodgepodge of random thoughts around the pandemic.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #88:

• This is a scary time, and a lot of us need comfort during this disorienting experience. Look for the unique ways you can find comfort, whether it’s food, listening to someone who makes you laugh, wearing something meaningful, or whatever you find comforting.
• A lot of us are experiencing brain fog on some level, and feeling like every day is the same as the one before. If you’ve noticed your thoughts aren’t as clear as usual, take comfort in knowing you aren’t alone!
• This pandemic has pushed us outside of our comfort zone, with everything from wearing a mask to not hugging our loved ones. 
• Wearing (or not wearing) a face mask may begin to signal political views. This is extremely dangerous, as this potential divide can lead to deep problems on many levels.

Highlights from Episode #88:

• Welcome to Episode 88 of the podcast! Vicki makes a quick announcement about her new online course for women, the Radiant Threefold Path Maiden Voyage. [00:39]
• Vicki reads the list of topics from her brief outline for today’s episode, and shares a few examples of how you can tell that facing a virus is a kind of boundary violation. [08:40]
• We hear about the need for comfort during this time. [11:39]
• It’s okay to find humor and laugh when things are difficult, sad, or even painful , Vicki points out. [17:40]
• You may be experiencing brain fog on some level. Vicki gives an example of one of her own experiences with brain fog. [19:23]
• Vicki talks about kindness, and gives a couple of touching examples. [22:51]
• We hear about masks and civil war, with Vicki sharing her concerns about what will happen as places begin to reopen. [28:42]
• Vicki invites listeners to be very suspicious about what we make up, and talks about internal boundaries. [32:29]
• The last random thought on Vicki’s list is massage parlors, which may not be what most people think they’re talking about. [37:02]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Radiant Threefold Path Maiden Voyage
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #85: How a Global Pandemic Is Giving Us a Master Class on Boundaries
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #87: How COVID-19 is Giving Us a Master Class on Boundaries (Part 2)
• Caroline Myss
• Pro Podcast Solutions

Episodes on the internal and/or listening boundary:

• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #37: The Listening Boundary Part I
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #39: The Listening Boundary Part 2: How It Works
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #40: The Listening Boundary Part 3: High Quality Listening = Higher Quality Responses
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #18: The Knife & The Spatula: Knowing When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

A couple of episodes ago, I talked about how the pandemic is giving all of us a master class in the way boundaries work. Since then, it’s become clear that those weren’t the only lessons we can be learning. Today, I’ll dig into several more lessons we can learn, and talk about how they relate to fundamental principles of personal and relationship boundaries.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #87:

• If you go down a rabbit hole, it’s easy for fear to get the best of us right now. In general, though, fear isn’t something to ignore. Instead, pay attention to your emotions.
• Just because a person or institution decides it’s okay to ease up a little bit doesn’t mean you need to feel comfortable with that or act accordingly.
• Some people are essentially oppositional to limits and boundaries; their first answer is just “no.” People have a right to think the virus is a hoax or to take a calculated risk, but there will be consequences not only to them but also potentially to many other people.
• As restrictions are eased, there will be a gradual flow from quarantine to freedom. This transition from a harsh boundary to a less severe limit can mirror a dynamic in a relationship that had a serious breach of trust.
• Pay attention to your own reality, your own thoughts based on facts, and your own emotions based on those facts. Then do what you feel is comfortable and right for you.

Highlights from Episode #87:

• Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode, and explains that she’ll talk about more lessons in boundaries that the pandemic is giving all of us. [00:39]
• We hear a quick review of the five ways that the pandemic is giving us a lesson in boundaries that Vicki covered in Episode 85. [03:03]
• Something that Vicki didn’t mention in this previous episode about paying attention to your emotions at this time is the (understandable) fear you might be feeling. [09:34]
• Vicki shares a story she heard from her husband this week, and talks about the first of the new lessons for this episode. [11:31]
• We learn about another way this pandemic is giving us a master class in boundaries. [17:18]
• COVID-19 is teaching us about transitioning from a harsh boundary to a less severe limit. [23:22]
• Vicki brings up an important point: if you live somewhere that guidelines aren’t being followed but you choose to follow them, you may experience some pushback. [28:26]
• We hear a quick recap of what Vicki has talked about in this episode. [31:08]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #85: How a Global Pandemic Is Giving Us a Master Class on Boundaries

During this global pandemic, options for having fun have been whittled away for most of us. This got me to thinking about the intersection of boundaries and fun, and that's what we're going to explore together today! I’ll share five ways to have fun with boundaries, and I hope you’ll come up with your own examples too.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #86:

• When you learn how personal and relationship boundaries work, they can actually be fun! Expect it to take some time to reach this point, though.
• One way you can have fun with boundaries is to use emojis. Sometimes just a simple emoji (or a fun Bitmoji) is all you need to communicate if you'd like to limit communication. A short, simple phrase or one-word response can also serve the same purpose.
• When you need to have a conversation with someone who is difficult or can talk nonstop, schedule a conversation with them shortly before a firm commitment.
• It’s not always easy to do, but try having fun with boundaries by not picking up anything that someone else tries to give you. Metaphorically, don’t extend your hand and take what doesn’t belong to you.
• You can even have fun by making a game of being prepared with your boundaries toolbox.

Highlights from Episode #86:

• Welcome back to the podcast! Vicki talks about today’s topic: the intersection of boundaries and fun. [00:39]
• The first way to have fun with boundaries is simple: use emojis! [04:15]
• Vicki talks about the second way you can have fun with boundaries, which is using a short phrase or even saying nothing at all! [07:55] 
• One of Vicki’s favorite ways to have fun with boundaries involves strict time limits. [13:09]
• The fourth way to have fun with boundaries is to not pick up anything that someone else is trying to give you. [15:31]
• Finally, you can have fun with boundaries by anticipating certain situations in advance and bringing your boundaries toolbox along. [18:00]
• Vicki recaps the five ways she’s talked about to have fun with boundaries.[24:19]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• Bitmoji
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1: Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #58: Codependency & Boundaries
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #74: 8 Phrases to Help You Keep the Peace During the Holidays

I hope you are safe, well, and healthy during these uncertain and frightening times. We’re all making adjustments, but I’m profoundly grateful to have my health and to be here to talk to you today. Instead of sticking with my planned topic, let’s take this time to reflect on five specific lessons of the master class that this virus is giving all of us. 

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #85:

• Our personal health impacts the whole. It has never been more obvious than it is now that if you’re not taking care of your own health, you’re endangering the health of others.
• The first lesson is that boundaries are about protection. One person’s infection can impact thousands of people. That leads to the second point: when someone or something is offensive, you must take drastic actions.
• Boundaries create space. I've talked about this before on the podcast, but the impact of COVID-19 explains this concept in a new way.
• This situation is an opportunity for you to tune into your emotions and figure out where you need to set some limits.

Highlights from Episode #85:

• Vicki welcomes listeners to the episode, and shares her well-wishes for everyone in these unprecedented times. She also talks about how much the world has changed in the last few weeks. [00:40]
• We learn about how the virus relates to boundaries, with Vicki expressing the virus’ behavior in the language of boundaries. [07:51]
• The first lesson we can learn from this situation is that boundaries are about protection. [11:12]
• Vicki talks about the second way that this pandemic can teach us about boundaries. [12:31]
• The third lesson is that when some people don’t abide by limits or boundaries, they can endanger all of us. [13:39]
• The fourth lesson that COVID-19 is teaching us about boundaries is that restrictions and limits create space. [15:11]
• With the restrictions that you are experiencing, what kind of space has opened for you? [22:02]
• Vicki talks about the fifth way that the pandemic is giving us a master class on boundaries: tuning into your emotions and setting limits. [23:16]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown

I'll be taking the next few weeks off from the podcast to get moved into my new home — so excited! This is a perfect example of what it looks like to be kind to yourself, which is what this Quick Tips episode is all about. Learn why self-kindness is so important, how you can figure out the best way to be kind to yourself, and what all of this has to do with boundaries.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #84:

• Most people struggle with being kind to themselves, partly because of a fear of missing out, and partly because being busy is seen as a status symbol. There’s so much going on all the time that we tend to push ourselves way too hard. 
• Examples of times when we should be kind to ourselves include when we’re not feeling well (mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually), when we’ve pushed ourselves too hard, or when we’re stressed out.
• How can you be kind to yourself around the particular situation that has you feeling unwell, pressured, or stressed out?
• Once you’ve figured out the answer to the question of how to be kind to yourself, take action on it! Make that kindness a reality.

Highlights from Episode #84:

• Welcome to this quick tips episode! Vicki introduces its topic, then talks about her upcoming free Clarity Circle Live Call. Just click the link to sign up! [00:40]
• Vicki is getting ready to move, so out of self-kindness, she’ll be taking a few weeks off from the podcast. [03:26]
• Let’s talk about you being kind to yourself, and what that has to do with boundaries. [04:22]
• We hear a question that Vicki asks herself about self-kindness. [07:20]
• Vicki explains that simply figuring out the answer to her question isn’t enough. [10:00]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Clarity Circle Live Call with Vicki (February 28, 2020)
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
•