As you’ll hear in my voice, I’ve been under the weather lately. This quick tips episode is partially inspired by my recent experiences while sick, when I’ve had plenty of opportunities to say “I can’t.” As you’ll learn today, expressing your “I can’t” is the best choice not only for you, but also everyone who you want to have a close, intimate relationship with. If you’re confused or intrigued by the idea, or struggle with saying “no” or “I can’t,” don’t miss this episode!

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #73:

• Saying “I can’t” is a form of saying “no,” but it’s often the preferable version because the person on the receiving end may be able to take it in more easily than a "no".
• When you’re not feeling well or are injured, you will almost always find your “I can’t” because you literally can't do what you committed to (or what someone wants or expects you to do). 
• The rest of the time, it’s not as easy to identify the “I can’t” or “no,” and it’s even harder to express it.
• There are three situations in which it's imperative to find your “I can’t”:
  • When saying “yes” will cause you to feel distressed or uncomfortable.
  • To avoid resentment.
  • When saying yes would eventually cause disconnection between you and the person who made a request of you.

Highlights from Episode #73:

• Vicki has been suffering from the flu, so this is a quick tips episode. Tune in to learn about finding your “I can’t.”  [00:39]
• When you’re sick, it’s easier to find your “I can’t,” Vicki explains. She then digs into the option of using “I can’t” instead of “no.” [01:35]
• We learn about the first of the three primary reasons why it’s important to find your “I can’t.” [03:03]
• Vicki digs into the second reason, explaining the value of saying “I can’t” rather than choosing something that causes you resentment. [06:58]
• The third reason involves staying connected with the person who made the request. [08:47]
• Vicki recaps the main points that she has covered in this episode. [10:35]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Pia Mellody

Have you ever thought that boundary work is different with loved ones? If so, this episode is for you! Even in my own family, some people expected family members to do certain things that they would never expect from anyone else, just because we were family. Today’s episode will dig into whether there are different rules for boundaries with family or loved ones than with everyone else.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #72:

• Some people behave as if being family exempts a person from being kind, thoughtful, or respectful. But people don’t get a pass just because they happen to be close to you.
• You absolutely have a right to set limits and boundaries with family members and loved ones, and to say “no” to them. All of the "boundaries rules" throughout every episode of this podcast applies to family members too.
• If you grew up in an enmeshed family system, you will likely find it challenging to set boundaries. You may have learned that you don’t have a right to set limits with your family.
• Those who love you will accept your limits, even when they may have wanted something different from you.

Highlights from Episode #72:

• Welcome to the podcast! Today’s episode will explore whether boundary work is different with loved ones or family members.  [00:39]
• Vicki shares the question from a listener that prompted her to record this episode. [02:31]
• We hear a quick review of some of the skills that Vicki has talked about in two prior episodes: 46: Boundaries Quick Tips: Are You Open to Feedback?  and 65: Giving Unsolicited Advice, Take 2. [04:54]
• Do we have a right to set limits with family members? [10:31]
• Most people feel terrified to set limits with family members and loved ones. Don’t worry; that’s normal! Vicki offers a way to feel more courageous around this topic. [15:43]
• Vicki recaps the points that she has covered in today’s episode. [17:58]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 46: Boundaries Quick Tips: Are You Open to Feedback? 
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 65: Giving Unsolicited Advice, Take 2

While this episode is about men, it’s actually intended for women, and addresses a common dynamic between the genders. I’ll dig into how a common desire among women can come across to men as pressure or control, and cause them to go into their "cave." Tune in to learn why it’s so important to let your man go to his cave when he needs to! And if you’re a LGTBQ+ listener, please reach out to let me know if this dynamic plays out in your relationships! 

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #71:

• The man cave is a real thing. I’m not talking about a physical room in the house, but rather a mental or behavioral cave. For example, a man may retreat to an electronic device, a sports game, or even a newspaper.
• Women tend to prefer to process their feelings by talking. Men, on the other hand, often to want to think about (or distract themselves from) their problem before re-engaging.
• The more a man feels pulled or manipulated out of his man cave, the more he’s likely to resist. 
• Expressing a pure desire (without a “you” in it) rather than making a request can be a powerful tool for avoiding perceptions of control. For example, say, “I would love to go out to dinner tonight,” not “I would love for you to take me out for dinner.”

Highlights from Episode #71:

• Vicki welcomes listeners and explains that today’s episode is about men, but for women. [00:39]
• We hear the question from a listener that inspired this episode. [02:58]
• The man cave is a real thing, Vicki explains, and goes into more depth about why it’s important for women to know about it. [06:28]
• Vicki responds to the part of the listener’s question about her spouse taking any request as a criticism, and shares a personal anecdote. [11:43]
• When someone makes a request, we have three options: yes, no, or negotiate an alternative solution. Vicki elaborates on this as well as how requests function. [18:16]
• Vicki elaborates on two possibilities about the listener’s question, and emphasizes the value of being able to sincerely say, “I hear you.” [22:02]
• Another strategy is to express a desire without specifically making a request. [23:55]
• Vicki points out that when you first learn about boundaries, it can be tempting to make everything into a request. [29:03]
• We return once more to the listener’s question, and hear a summary of Vicki’s answer. [30:43]
• Vicki recaps the major points that she has covered in today’s episode. [33:23]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex by John Gray
• Laura Doyle
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 24: The Politician (No, Not That One)
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 37: The Listening Boundary Part I
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 39: The Listening Boundary Part 2: How It Works
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 40: The Listening Boundary Part 3: High Quality Listening = Higher Quality Responses
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 42: When Your Request Is Ignored

Knowing the two types of self-care and practicing both is good for you and everyone around you! Tune in and learn the two types of self-care, why you may be challenged around meeting your self-care needs and how to hold yourself accountable for practicing good self-care. 

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #70:

• There are two types of self-care: self-care needs and self-care wants.
• We learn about self-care first in our family of origin.
• If some of our needs were neglected as children, we may struggle to practice self-care as an adult and we may pass neglect on to our children.
• Self-care wants are just as — if not more — important than self-care needs.
• Use self-care wants as a reward for attending to self-care needs.
• Commit to at least one self-care want every day, and work your way up to three, or more!

Highlights from Episode #70:

• Welcome to the show! [00:40]
• A listener inspired this episode with questions about self-care. [00:54]
• Vicki brings up the issue of self-care and how self-care related to boundaries that we set for ourselves. [02:15]
• Without setting limits on ourselves, we aren't able to function. [03:09]
• Setting personal healthy limits creates space for health and well-being. [05:34]
• Vicki discusses the two categories of self-care, and what the term means. [06:09]
• We learn about the 11 self-care needs, which are listed below. [06:18]
• Our parents teach us about self-care through their own behavior and how they parented us. [09:40]
• We need to be mindful of all 11 self-care needs to teach our children. [11:05]
• Does self-care feel more like a chore than a joy? [13:22]
• Vicki speaks about self-care wants, which are activities that we love to do and that we feel good about after we've done them. [14:28]
• Self-care wants are highly individualized, and self-care looks different for men and women. [17:01]
• Why self-care wants are just as crucial as needs. [19:56]
• When our self-care wants are taken care of, we have a buffer that helps us avoid drama and conflict. [21:34]
• Vicki tells us how to get self-care done. [23:02]
• Find someone to be your accountability partner to help with your progress. [24:59]
• To make self-care needs easier to take care of, schedule your appointments in advance and reward yourself when you complete them. [26:24]
• Commit to a bare minimum of one self-care want each day, and work your way up to at least three. [30:05]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Episode #34 | Women, Choose Self-Care Over Self-Sacrifice
• Episode #50 | Extreme Self-Care and Boundaries
• Episode #55 | Extreme Accountability
• Pia Mellody
• Bullet Journal: The Analog Method for the Digital Age

1. Food
2. Clothing
3. Shelter
4. Physical Nurturing
5. Emotional Nurturing
6. Spiritual Practice
7. Education
8. Money
9. Medical Attention
10. Dental
11. Sexual

*From the work of Pia Mellody @ www.piamelody.com

Have you gotten into a habit of answering questions that haven't even been asked? It's easy to do, especially when you can tell that the other person is feeling insecure, fearful, or potentially angry with you. Tune in and learn how to recognize statements that seem like questions and why you should avoid answering. Plus, tips on how to do that while preserving your energy, minimizing drama, and maintaining connection.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #69:

• How to recognize a temptation to answer a question that hasn't been asked.
• Why you should avoid answering questions that haven’t been asked.
• How to avoid answering un-asked questions
• Why answering un-asked questions causes problems or even drama.
• How to invite another person to be more direct in getting their needs and wants met.
• The skill of not answering un-asked questions involves both the listening and talking boundaries.

Highlights from Episode #69:

• Vicki introduces the topic for this week's episode. [00:51]
• Examples of statements that often get perceived as questions or requests. [01:34]
• Vicki discusses these examples and spells out the unspoken questions. [02:49]
• When you hear an indirect question you often want to jump to the rescue. [05:04]
• Vicki says that if we dive in and rescue it can cause problems or misunderstandings. [05:41]
• Vicki discusses what we do about indirect statements and offers some likely responses. [07:22]
• She talks about how to respond when faced with an indirect question. [08:33]
• Inviting the other person to be more direct keeps you from jumping to the rescue. [12:02]
• The skill of not answering an un-asked question involves both the listening and talking boundaries. [12:21]
• Vicki talks about the challenges of staying vulnerable in relationships and asking for what we need and want. [13:44]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast Episode 58: Codependency & Boundaries
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast Episode 37: The Listening Boundary Part 1
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast Episode 39: The Listening Boundary Part 2
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast Episode 40: The Listening Boundary Part 3

Have you ever felt pressured to give to another person — your time, money, or something material? Giving is a boundary issue, and you hold the power to choose to give or to not give. Choosing wisely keeps you resentment free. Tune in and learn how it works!

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #68:

• Giving and receiving come both come from a place of abundance.
• Skillful gifting comes from a foundation of an abundance of spirit and resources, and good receivers graciously express their appreciation and don’t feel obligated to return the gift.
• Giving to another person is an example of  boundary work because you get to decide to give (yes) or not to give (no). Complications arise in close relationships or when there is a lot of emotion or pressure attached to giving.
• Many people attempt to get others to give to them through passive means, rather than directly or cleanly.
• When someone wants something from you, you have complete control to say yes or no.
• Use Brené Brown's dictum: "choose discomfort over resentment" as a tool to support you in doing what is right for you. Say no instead of feeling resentment later.
• Ideally, giving should be done freely, and with joy and a sense of generosity. 

Highlights from Episode #68:

• Vicki introduces the topic for this episode: giving and receiving. [00:51]
• What comes to mind for you when you think about giving or receiving? [02:08]
• There can be a lot of drama around giving and receiving. [03:10]
• Have you ever expected to receive a gift, but when the time came, you didn’t get one? How did you feel? [04:02]
• A male listener inspired this episode because he was feeling pressured to give to someone close to him. [04:34]
• Vicki speaks about how to manage a situation when you feel pressured to give. [05:15]
• Ideally, giving comes from a place of abundance, where we feel that we have more than enough and can freely give to others. [05:49]
• Vicki states that when the experience of giving and receiving is healthy, there is a beautiful flow of energy that each person feels. [07:34]
• Giving is a simple boundary issue but becomes complicated when emotions are involved. [08:06]
• Vicki tells a story from her history about an unsuccessful attempt to get someone to give to her in an indirect and passive way. [12:01]
• When someone is pressuring us to do something or give something, they usually do it indirectly. [14:01]
• Vicki discusses how we have complete control over whether we say yes or no when someone asks something of us. [15:19]
• It's important to know that the person you want a long term relationship with can accept limits. [16:28]
• If someone continuously pressures you to do something, it becomes manipulative. [17:32]
• Vicki believes that men genuinely want to give to women they care about, but they don’t want to be pressured or controlled to do so. [18:41]
• Vicki says that if you have someone in your life that regularly urges you to give to them, you will have to get very clear with your limits so that you can avoid becoming resentful. [20:04]
• Ideally, you will feel entirely free, happy, and generous when you give. [21:01]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5 Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Brené Brown

Has anyone ever told you that you were being unreasonable or that you made an unreasonable request? It's a common argument, with a simple resolution. In today's episode Vicki talks about why unreasonable is in the eye of the beholder, and how you can avoid arguing about whether or not something is unreasonable.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #67:

• What is reasonable is a perception or an opinion.
• Arguments about what is reasonable or unreasonable tend to arise when someone makes a request or they have an expectation of another person. 
• Responding to a request by saying "that's unreasonable" is a diversion, and doesn't address the request made.
• Rather than arguing about whether or not a request is reasonable or unreasonable, focus on potential solutions in order to maintain intimate connection.

Highlights from Episode #67:

• Welcome back to the show! [00:41]
• How to get specific questions about infidelity, addiction, or betrayal answered by Vicki. [03:04]
• This episode was inspired by several questions from a listener revolving around “what is unreasonable?” [04:18]
• Unreasonable is a perception; and Vicki gives an example. [06:31]
• When does the question or reasonable or unreasonable tend to become an issue in communication? [09:25]
• Two concepts that are essential when you disagree with someone about whether or not something is reasonable. [14:44]
• When receiving a request from another person, there are three options for responding. [15:08]
• Has anyone ever told you that your request was unreasonable? Did it cause an argument? [16:16]
• Tips for learning how to focus on solution or resolution while maintaining intimacy. [17:37]
• Ask yourself, "is this going to build and maintain intimacy or harm it?" [18:32]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Survive & Thrive Online Community for betrayed partners
• Reclaiming Wholeness: A 4-Day Family of Origin Intensive for Women
• The 5 Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast Episode #61 | 4 Reasons Why Arguing Perceptions is a Losing Battle

Its that time again the first episode of the month, the one that is dedicated to women and boundaries. Are you friends with someone who is draining you? Do they make you tired because they won’t stop talking? Vicki is going to give us some simple strategies to distance yourself to stop the madness.

Vicki shares with us the consequences of allowing over-sharers too much of our time, the things you can miss out on and the relief you will feel once you disengage from them. She says when we take care of ourselves and allow pure joy into our lives, we will attract people who want the same thing, thus eliminating the people who exhaust us.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #66:

• Not everyone feels the same way about draining people. It is a matter of perception.
• Delay your response to a text or, if you don’t want to maintain a relationship with them, become less responsive over time.
• Say ‘I hear you’ when someone starts to overshare.
• Exhaustion, time loss and missing out on relationships are the consequences of allowing someone to drain you or overshare with you.
• Do things that bring pure joy to you! Don’t waste time with things or people who don’t.

Highlights from Episode #66:

• Welcome back to the show! Today’s episode is dedicated to women and boundaries. [00:41]
• Vicki reads what a listener wrote in about wanting to set limits on her friends to keep the relationship equal instead of one-sided. [01:02]
• She discusses people that over-share and are draining and how we as women attract them. [02:47]
• What does it mean to be draining or an over-sharer? It is open to perception. [05:45]
• Vicki speaks about signs that someone might be exhausting to you. [08:12]
• We can feel shame if someone shares too much personal information with us. [09:02]
• You have the right to set limits on the time the draining person gets. [09:47]
• Decrease the amount of contact you have with a draining person if you don’t want to maintain a relationship with them. [11:24]
• She gives us some simple strategies to limit your available time to listen to someone who is draining or want to over-share. [13:36]
• Say ‘I hear you’ to people who want to over-share. [15:55]
• Have you ever gone out with someone who talked non-stop? Were you drained? [17:41]
• Once you disengage from someone the payoff the brief discomfort you feel in the moment can turn into relief. [19:21]
• Have you ever felt overwhelmed by an over-sharer? [21:44]
• Vicki gives us the consequences of allowing someone to drain you or overshare with you. [24:49]
• Do things that give you pure joy. If you take care of yourself, you’re tolerances diminish for people who drain you. [27:11]
• If you want to learn the 5 steps for identifying, creating, and maintaining healthy personal and relationship boundaries, see the link below. [29:38]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Episode 6 - What to Expect When You Set Boundaries
• Episode 24 - The Politician 
• Episode 63 - How to Fix a One-Sided Relationship
• 5 Step Boundary Solution Clarifier

If you're feeling a bit unclear about whether or not you're giving unsolicited feedback or advice, today's episode is going to give you the clarity you need. Vicki talks about one sure-fire way to know you're not giving unsolicited advice, why you should avoid offering feedback when it's not requested, and how we can fall into the trap of giving feedback when what we really want to do is control another person. Tune in!

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #65:

• Giving unsolicited advice even when you think you're being helpful can cause disconnection with friends and loved ones, and can even be offensive.
• Keep your side of the street clean in conversations by paying attention to how you're feeling, and whether or not you're invested in the outcome of the conversation or changing the other person's opinion. 
• For the most part, it's best not to offer teenager or young adults advice unless you ask them first whether or not they want to receive it. 
• The best way to maintain healthy connections with important people in your life by hearing and supporting them. Unsolicited advice tends to damage emotional safety in relationships.

Highlights from Episode #65:

• Welcome back to the show! [00:44]
• Today is Part 2 of Episode #46 on giving unsolicited advice or feedback. [01:19]
• Vicki starts by defining advice. [02:33]
• We often give advice to people we love without realizing we're doing it. [03:19]
• Unsolicited advice is never relational. [03:56]
• Giving advice without being asked for it can be offensive. [04:21]
• How to know when you're in the unwanted advice "danger zone." [07:24]
• If you think you have valuable information for another person you can let them know you would be happy to share with them if they would like to hear it. [09:27]
• To keep your side of the street clean, notice how invested you're feeling about changing the other person's mind or getting them to take a particular action. [11:42]
• Is asking clarifying questions a form of unsolicited feedback? [13:28]
• Is it okay to give advice or feedback to someone if you're afraid something dangerous might happen if you don't? [16:26]
• Adults have a right to make decisions that about how they take care of themselves and their children. We don't have to agree with their decisions, but they have a right to make them. [19:05]
• Is it okay to give unwanted advice or feedback to your teenagers or young adult children? [24:05]
• You can maintain healthy connections with the important people in your life by hearing and supporting them without care-taking or give unsolicited advice or feedback. [27:51]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast Episode 46: Boundaries Quick Tips #4 | Are You Open to Feedback?

Are you feeling pressured to have sex with your partner or spouse? While this is a serious topic that deserves time, the answer is clear and unambiguous. Vicki provides answers for both the one being pressured, and the person pressuring their partner for sex.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #64:

• No person has a right to another person’s body!
• Even if sex is a need rather than a want, it doesn’t mean another person must fulfill it for us. 
• Adults are responsible for taking care of their needs.
• If your partner repeatedly says no to sex, explore the reasons.
• You have a right to say no to sex even, in a marital relationship.

Highlights from Episode #63:

• Welcome back to the show! [00:40]
• Today’s topic: Are you obligated to take care of your spouse’s or partner’s sexual needs? [00:50]
• No person has a right to another person’s body… Ever! [01:56]
• Why sex is a want and not a need. [02:16]
• Even if sex is a need, it doesn’t imply that another person must fulfill it. [03:01]
• What are true needs and who fulfills them? [03:59]
• Partners who demand sex often also participate in solo sex. [05:02]
• Physical and sexual boundaries are non-negotiable. [06:02]
• What to do if your partner consistently says no to sex. [06:56]
• Adults are responsible for getting their needs met. [09:08]
• If you’re being pressured into sex, you have a right to say no. [09:59]
• No one else is responsible for making you happy but you. [10:37]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast Espisode #17: Yes, No & Maybe: Sexual Boundaries for Women with Sheri Winston