Marriages can find themselves in places of despair. Marriages often assume the problems are symptoms of waning affection. Yet what is actually present is neurodiversity. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kaleb Beyer educates us on the impact ADHD can have on marriage relationships and the hope that can be breathed into a marriage when this is understood.  

Show Notes: 

What is neurodiversity? 

• The neurodiverse brain is contrasted with the neurotypical brain. The neurodiverse brain thinks, responds to its environment and interacts with emotions outside of the normative operating neurotypical brain. This condition is diagnosed, for example, as autistic, dyslexic, or ADHD (Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder).  

What is ADHD? 

• ADHD stands for Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder. This is a diagnosable disorder. An individual with ADHD has the ability to hyperfocus. Often, they can be exciting, fun, creative, in the moment and flexible. Those with ADHD can struggle to prioritize matters that need attention. They have a higher threshold for experiencing rewarding satisfaction and therefore require more stimulus. These attributes create symptoms of distractibility and impulsivity.  

How can ADHD impact marriage? 

• When couples do not understand how ADHD is playing out in their marriage relationship, they run the risk of making the wrong meaning out of unfortunate interactions. Consider the examples below: 

• Lack of follow through by ADHD spouse is wrongly interpreted as lack of care. 
• Distracted ADHD spouse during conversation is wrongly interpreted as not valuing spouse. 

What proactive steps can the ADHD spouse make? 

• Get a diagnosis from a professional. 
• Become educated on ADHD. 
• Treat the biology through diet, sleep, exercise and medicine. 
• Learn coping skills. 
• Build relational skills. 

What proactive steps can the non-ADHD spouse make? 

• Become educated on ADHD. 
• Grieve the unmet expectation of what marriage was “supposed” to be. 
• Avoid reinforcing the negative unsuccessful interactions that historically has been used on your ADHD spouse. For example, nagging. 
• Rebuild trust by measuring it differently. Instead of measuring “follow through” on requests, measure “follow through” of applying oneself to the treatment ADHD requires. 

What hope is there for marital health? 

• Beautiful marriages are possible when neurodiverse and neurotypical spouses live wisely with one another. 

The new year carries a sense of hope for needed change. In this episode of Breaking Bread, the clinical staff from ACCFS share four words to help inspire and guide the changes we need to make.  These simple four verbs will be easy to remember and promise helpful practical action.

Show Notes:

Four simple action words that can motivate and guide positive change for our new year.

• Walk – Slowing down is necessary for us to live well. It puts us in a position to live mindfully.
• Cultivate – Fostering, encouraging, and nurturing growth. It puts us in a position where the next healthy step in progress is possible.
• Balance – Not all things equal, but all things in healthy proportion. It puts us in a position where we are investing in areas that matter most.
• Explore - Being curious and opening ourselves up to something new. It puts us in a position to grow our world and grow in our world.

God saves his people into families. A nurturing community where souls are cared for and loved. In this episode of Breaking Bread, ACCFS’s church outreach team shares the vision that propels the work they do.

Show notes:

Vision: By God’s grace, the Church Outreach division of ACCFS is committed to supporting the local church by providing resources and teaching that equips the local church to care for its members.

Often, our bodies seem like a liability to our emotional, relational, and spiritual health. After all, our flesh is weak. Yet Jesus beautifully sanctioned the bodily experience when He came to earth in the flesh. He showed us that our bodies should not be scorned but instead listened to and exercised to the glory of God. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Brian Sutter and Isaac Funk help us see the role our bodies play in our emotional and spiritual health.

Common Misconceptions:

• The biological body is irrelevant. Your feelings tell you what is true.
• Your flesh is a liability. The body is corrupt and will defile you.
• Healthy spirituality separates itself from the body.

Truth:

• The biological body is relevant. It informs our reality.
• God had good in mind when he created the flesh. We should learn to listen to it.
• The flesh has been affected by “the fall”. It can be used for wrong.
• Healthy spirituality is always done in the body.
• By listening to our bodies, we can learn to detect our emotions.
• By learning to live in our bodies, we can positively affect our emotional experiences.

Jesus saw more. He saw what others missed in a setting. He saw what mattered in an interaction. He understood the reasons for a situation when others overlooked it. Jesus saw more. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Arlan Miller and Matt Kaufmann highlight critical purpose for the elderly among us. Help us like Jesus helped his disciples – help us see more.

• Just as a passenger in a car can see more of the surroundings than the driver, we need the elderly in our communities to help us see what we often miss.
• Jesus helped his disciples see what most missed. He pointed out a poor widow casting in more money than the rich. Something they had all missed. Mark 12:41-44

• Just as a skilled carpenter, doctor, teacher, parent and investor knows what matters in their craft, the elderly in our communities know what matters in life. They can help us see what matters.
• Jesus helped his disciples see what mattered. He devoted time to young children when they didn’t think it was time well spent. Matthew 19:13-15

• We like to connect the dots between cause and effect. The elderly in our communities often have insights into these causal relationships. They can help us see why.
• Jesus helped his disciples understand why. He helped them understand the reason a man was born blind. It was not what they expected. John 9:1-4

“Grief can’t be avoided; it waits for you to walk through it.” June Knobloch said this. She and her husband understand grief deeply after suffering the loss of their son Jeff to suicide. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Del and June share their story of grief and how they walked through it.

Resources:

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline This Lifeline is for people experiencing a crisis and is available 24/7 in the United States. If you need help for yourself, a friend, or family member, call or text 988 right away.

Lifeline Crisis Chat

Coping with a Suicide [ACCFS] As you face life after a loved one’s suicide, remember that you don’t have to go through it alone. This article provides resources to help support you with your lose.

Preventing Suicide [ACCFS] Those on the front lines of engaging our youth- parents, teachers, employers, mentors and those with a heart for our youth can be proactive in working to be aware and possibly help prevent suicides. This article provides information to help those on the front lines to be there for individuals that are struggling.

Laughter is relational, healing and necessary. In this episode of Breaking Bread ACCFS clinicians Ted Witzig Jr., Brian Sutter, Kathy Knochel and Kaleb Beyer enjoy a light moment together.  But don’t underestimate the weighty benefits such moments bring to our mental health.

There are many matters that concern us: struggle, hurt, loss and sorrow abound. Yet, even among these, humor exists. Sometimes laughter springs from surprising places acting as a grace from our heavenly Father who no doubt loves to see his children laugh.

What is laughter?

• Laughter is the physical response to the emotional and cognitive experience of humor, happiness and mirth.
• Laughter is to happiness as crying is to sadness.
• Laughter is a common expression of amusement shared by all humanity.

What are the elements that give rise to laughter?

• Humor often plays on surprise. From peak-a-boo with an infant to clever twists in a “punch line”, the element of surprise startles and pleases.
• Humor often plays on a truth - truth exaggerated or told from a new vantage point often entertains and amuses.

What are the benefits of laughing?

• Laughter grounds a person in the moment. Amusement happens in the present, opening a person’s senses to live in the now.
• Laughter is relational. Sharing amusement with others makes the experience better. Laughter draws people into its participation. People welcome laughter.
• Healthy humanity employs the spectrum of emotions. Just as sadness has its purpose and benefits, so does mirth.
• Laughter can increase our capacity to cope with the brokenness we experience in life. Laughter does not make light of sadness. Rather, it assists us in holding it.

How can I learn to laugh?

• Learn to laugh at myself. Often, I take myself too seriously.
• Learn my place. I can over approximate my role and reach of effect. I need to remember that God is in control.
• Learn to live. God created me to enjoy his good creation.

Emotion is like fuel. The right amount, at the right time and for the right purpose, yields wonderful results. However, on a negative note, emotion is like fuel. That is why healthy people know how to regulate their emotions. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kathy Knochel and Brian Sutter coach us on how to do that.

Show Notes:

What is Emotional Regulation?

• People who have good command of their emotions use emotional regulation. In fact, emotions for these people are used in their life for the purpose God intended. Emotions are a gift from God.

Why does Emotional Regulation work?

• God has made us wonderfully. Our emotions and our bodies are closely connected. In fact, emotion always happens in the body. Just as emotions affect the body, the body affects emotions. There are bodily techniques that can be learned to bring about a healthy emotional experience.

What are some skills for regulating emotions?

• Deep breathing: Learning to breathe in a way that calms your nervous system.
• Mindfulness: Learning how to be present in a moment.
• Defusion: Learning how to detach from unwanted emotions.
• Acceptance: Learning how to make room for unwanted emotions.

Where can I learn emotional regulation skills?

• ACCFS Course Emotional Regulation Skills Course - ACCFS (accounseling.org)

What will be required for me to use regulation skills successfully?

• Practice

Disagreement in marriage is real. Anyone who is married understands the wisdom of being “equally yoked.” Fortunately, Christians are “equally yoked” on the basis of faith in Christ. Yet, there are many other ideals, values and dreams we might not be so “equally yoked.” In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kaleb Beyer gives us a path forward for finding unity in the midst of the conflict this reality brings.

Show notes:

Background: Conflict around values and dreams are uniquely challenging because of the deep-seated nature of the held beliefs. Consider the examples below:

• Spouse A believes that family time should be protected and abundant.
• Spouse B believes that people should be community oriented.
• Spouse A believes that the house should be neat and orderly.
• Spouse B believes that the house should be “lived in” and not necessarily tidy.
• Spouse A believes money should be shared, spent and not hoarded.
• Spouse B believes money should be saved.
• Good biblical and wise argumentation can be given on either side of the issues.
• Conflict is fueled because of the emotion that resides with the deeply held ideals.

Conflict Intervention: How couples can move through conflict. [Intervention based on Dr. John Gottman’s research]

• First: Is the couple in a place to have the disputing conversation?
  • Evaluate how intense the held values are.
  • Evaluate how long each value has been held.
  • Evaluate the climate of the relationship. A “positive” climate needs to be present to have constructive conversation. Building a union of friendship, gratitude and closeness is important.
• Second: Personal preparation is required.
  • The humility to understand that each affects the other at their point of deeply held values.
  • Recognize that moving through the conflict is an important objective. As important or more, than the terms of resolution.
  • Values are not changed quickly; patience will be required.
  • Empathy and compassion will be necessary to hear your spouse.
  • A commitment to shared purpose is necessary. We win together, not separately.
  • A willingness to be influenced by spouse.

• Third: The disputing conversation occurs.
  • Attempt to be soft and slow. Be amiable, not reactive; open not closed; flexible, not rigid. We think better when processes slow down.
  • Use structure for the conversation: Assign roles-who is the speaker and who is the listener.
  • Ask your spouse to tell you the story of their vision. Seek to understand.
  • Monitor when escalation happens in yourself or your spouse. When escalation happens, you might need to take a break so soft and slow can return.

• Fourth: Once understanding of each other’s values has occurred, move into the circle of compromise.
  • Each should consider what you can be flexible about in the disputable matter.
  • Each should consider what they are inflexible about in the disputable matter.
  • Attempt to make your “area” of flexible as large as possible and “area” of rigidity as small as possible.
  • Share with one another your circle of compromise and determine a compromise.
  • Live into the compromise for a time and continue to have dialogue.

Youth is a time of life when all manner of ideals are being formed in a person: reasoning skills, social skills, character qualities, work ethic, and academics. And yet, greater than these is the formation of the image our kids will have of God. Their God image is the sum total of their beliefs and feelings about who God is. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Brian Sutter speaks to the importance of shepherding this important formation in our children.

• It is the lens through which you view life.

• Experience
• Teaching

• Tap their imagination.
• Share testimony.
• Model it in relationship.
• Be patient with their questions.
• Point them to the Scripture.

• The Jesus Story Bible by Sally Lloyd-Jones
• Children’s Authors: by Max Lucado
• The Ology by Marty Machowski
• Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis
• Tiny Theologians
• Catechisms