Coffee With Dr. Kashey

In this episode, Dr. Kashey talks about how Tabitha, a recovered diabetic binge eater, approached Thanksgiving and other social gatherings without punishing herself or engaging in self-hate. He shares Tabitha's powerful story of overcoming her past struggles with overeating and purging during holidays. Dr. Kashey highlights Tabitha's newfound mindset, where she focuses on enjoying her favorite foods without the desperate urge to consume everything in sight. Tabitha's transformation involved creating a list of her favorite dishes beforehand, prioritizing her choices, and being present in the moment with her loved ones rather than engaging in self-destructive behaviors. He explains the importance of developing a healthy relationship with food and shifting one's perspective from a competitive mindset to one of moderation and self-care.

In this episode, Dr. Kashey discusses the concept of frustration intolerance and its manifestations in various aspects of life. He shares real-life examples of individuals like Sarah, Tabitha, and Justin, who exhibit frustration intolerance through behaviors such as impatience, emotional outbursts, procrastination, and self-sabotaging actions. Dr. Kashey highlights how frustration intolerance often stems from rigid beliefs, unrealistic expectations, and an inability to adjust to reality. He emphasizes that getting upset is a sign of distorted thinking and a failure to respond rationally to frustrating situations. He explains the importance of developing frustration tolerance, rational thinking, and deliberate action to overcome challenges and achieve desired outcomes.

In this episode, Dr. Kashey talks about the concept of frustration intolerance and its detrimental effects, using the relatable story of Tabitha as an illustrative example. Tabitha's day is plagued by a series of frustrating setbacks from spilling coffee on her shirt to getting stuck in traffic and missing an important meeting. Unable to cope with the mounting frustration, Tabitha engages in destructive behaviors like emotional eating, venting to coworkers, and impulsively browsing job listings in a misguided attempt to escape her circumstances. Dr. Kashey explains how Tabitha's lack of frustration tolerance fuels irrational thoughts and emotional disturbances, which in turn lead to counterproductive actions that only worsen the initial frustrations. He highlights the importance of developing resilience and using rational thinking to downgrade emotional disturbances, regaining a sense of control and perspective.

In this episode, Dr. Kashey discusses an essay by the famous French Renaissance philosopher, Lord Uncle Monta, titled "How the Soul Discharges Its Emotions Against False Objects When Lacking Real Objects." He shares amusing tips and insights from Monta's work, which humorously illustrates how people often vent their frustrations on inanimate objects or engage in irrational behaviors when faced with difficulties or setbacks. Monta's essay highlights the human tendency to find scapegoats or fabricate reasons to justify negative emotions, even when those emotions are misguided or disproportionate to the situation. Dr. Kashey draws attention to the timeless wisdom in Monta's observations, which remain relevant and insightful centuries later, reminding us of the absurdity and futility of venting anger on "false objects" instead of addressing the root causes of our frustrations.

In this episode, Dr. Kashey discusses the concept of "mental toughness" and its potential pitfalls. He reads and analyzes an article by Professor Michael Easter, which critically examines the societal obsession with mental toughness and the flawed assumptions surrounding it. Dr. Kashey highlights how the pursuit of mental toughness through self-imposed suffering and challenging activities does not necessarily translate into resilience or success in real-life challenges. He further emphasizes the importance of identifying the root cause of one's struggles, addressing the rate-limiting factors, and developing specific skills and techniques tailored to the desired outcome, rather than relying on a generic notion of mental toughness. He also stresses the value of teamwork, support systems, and diverse experiences in fostering genuine resilience and problem-solving abilities.

In this episode, Dr. Kashey talks about the importance of discriminating between frustrations that are worth addressing and those that can be ignored. He emphasizes that it is reasonable to live with some open loops, hassles, and mysteries in life, and attempting to resolve all of them can lead to a feeling of solving none. Dr. Kashey introduces the concept of "discrimination" or "distinguishing" as a powerful tool for preserving one's precious frustration tolerance. He explains that by identifying the frustrating stimulus, appraising and reappraising it, creating space between stimulus and response, responding constructively, learning from the results, and generalizing the experiences, individuals can cultivate frustration tolerance. Dr. Kashey also discusses the difference between identifying frustration and identifying oneself as frustrated, highlighting the importance of recognizing the practical problem rather than getting caught up in negative emotions.

In this episode, Dr. Kashey talks about frustration tolerance and how it plays a crucial role in managing frustrations effectively. He explains that frustration tolerance is the ability to think rationally and stay composed while experiencing frustrating situations. Dr. Kashey emphasizes that frustrations are inevitable, but it's our appraisal of these events that determines whether they become minor inconveniences or major problems. He discusses the importance of cultivating a flexible and reasonable belief system about frustrations, as this allows for a deeper well of tolerance and a longer space between stimulus and response. Dr. Kashey suggests that by reappraising frustrations as tolerable, neutral, or even good, individuals can avoid impulsive and destructive reactions. He also highlights the significance of distinguishing between temporary frustrations that can be ignored and persistent frustrations that require active problem-solving.

In this episode, Dr. Kashey talks about the importance of frustration tolerance and how it relates to the well-known Aesop's fable, "The Boy and the Filberts." He uses the tale as an illustrative example to demonstrate how rigid belief systems and a lack of frustration tolerance can lead to irrational and impulsive behaviors. Dr. Kashey explains that the boy's inability to let go of his dire need for the filberts, coupled with his black-and-white thinking, caused him to lose his rational mind and become stuck in a self-perpetuating cycle of frustration. Dr. Kashey emphasizes that building frustration tolerance is not about enduring frustration for its own sake but rather about creating the space between stimulus and response to think rationally and act deliberately. He defines frustration tolerance as the capacity to think rationally when frustrated, which allows for more constructive outcomes and breaks the cycle of compounding frustrations and impulsive, destructive actions.

In this episode, Dr. Kashey talks about the concept of stress, particularly chronic stress, and its relationship with frustration. He explains that stress is a biological response to perceived threats or demands, rather than the cause itself. Dr. Kashey discusses how people often misuse the term "stress" to refer to stressors or frustrating stimuli, which can lead to emotional disturbances and subsequent biological stress responses. He introduces the STFU (Stimulus, Thinking, Feeling, Urging) model to illustrate how frustrating stimuli can trigger a cyclical interaction between thoughts, feelings, and urges, potentially leading to a stress response. Dr. Kashey emphasizes that chronic stress often arises when individuals engage in "double trouble," where they interpret practical frustrations as emotional disturbances and threats to their safety, perpetuating the stress response.

In this episode, Dr. Kashey talks about the concept of frustration and annoyance, and how they can lead to anger if not managed properly. He explains that frustrations arising from the operational domain (being able to do what one wants) and the fairness domain (getting what one deserves) are particularly prone to causing annoyance. Dr. Kashey discusses how annoyance generates a sense of urgency, leading people to act impulsively and irrationally, often escalating the situation instead of resolving it. He uses the STFU (Stimulus, Thinking, Feeling, Urging) model to break down how frustrating stimuli trigger thoughts, feelings, and urges that can spiral into anger and violent fantasies. Dr. Kashey emphasizes the psychobiological connection between these violent thoughts and the body's stress response, preparing for a fight. He suggests approaching frustrating situations as puzzles or games, creating a motivating challenge rather than a perceived attack, and learning from mistakes to update strategies for the future.