The GOP is mad at Alabama for exposing its Handmaid's Tale agenda too soon. Repubs are worried the insane IVF ban in Alabama might cost them politically. Even the AG in Alabama said he wouldn't prosecute IVG providers. Fascist weasel Jack Posobiec promised to finish the work they began on January 6th as Bannon whacks it in the corner. The feeble Nazi genius, AKA Trump, blathered lies about Biden persecuting Christians and then doled out the usual tropes about immigrants during a particularly incoherent speech. God's obedient bottom Mike Johnson said bizarre religious crap at a GOP meeting that even weirded out Republican colleagues. A diarrhea-inducing stomach bug is spreading rapidly in America. Also, measles has returned to the Republic of Florida. Tesla lied when they said their new van was rustless.

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Trump just needs to find 11,780 votes and 454 million dollars. The ridiculous hearing about Fani Willis's dating life continued in Georgia. Authoritarian coward Putin surely had Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny murdered. A group of conservative wankers had to admit to a judge they had zero evidence of Georgia ballot stuffing. Anti-choice thugs targeted Planned Parenthood visitors with anti-choice ads using phone data. The Satanists of Idaho saved their state from sending funds to Christian-based schools. Christian Nationalist loon and Oklahoma state Rep Dusty Deevers blathered he wanted to time travel back to better times like 1600. A fascist hate preacher gave an invocation to Congress and normal legislators were creeped out.

Democrats took back George Santos' seat  A Republican in the House caterwauled for the Biden administration to declassify everything related to a supposed Russian space-nuke. The House Ethics Committee obtained texts from diddler-Rep Matt Gaetz inviting a woman on a trip to the Bahamas, whom a colleague previously paid for sex. Fascist former guy blathered something about Pennsylvannia existing under a different name. The Putin-sucking GOP impeached the Homeland Security Secretary because the Republicans do nothing but figuratively fellate Shitler's wee mushroom. Cali piggies get billions in funding despite solving a very small percentage of cases. A third of GOP voters believe Taylor Swift was involved in a secret plot to defeat Trump and the 49ers. A Florida school required parents to sign a permission slip to allow their child to be read to by an African American woman. Moronic Kentucky State Rep. Jennifer Decker explained how her father was a white slave to the state's NAACP chapter. There was a shooting at the official Super Bowl celebration in Kansas City because we live in America.

MAGA lost its brain cell over the "rigged" Super Bowl and satanic hand signals. Anti-vaxx-wanker RFK had to apologize to his fellow Kennedys for his dumb Super Bowl ad of which he supposedly knew nothing. During the Super Bowl, Cokey Smurk, AKA Don Jr., posted something racist and stupid about Michelle Obama. Donald Trump blathered he'd encourage Putin to do whatever he wanted to our allies in Europe despite NATO. GOP presidential candidate Nikki Haley clapped back at Shitler for dissing her husband who is deployed overseas. The fascists of the NYPD cried like babies because they could no longer "kettle" protestors. Simpleton MAGAT mouth-breather Mark Meckler caterwauled we should invade Mexico to improve border security. A Methodist minister was accused of trading meth for in-person gay sex presentations.

Did Tucker Carlson at least get a reach around from Putin? The special counsel appointed for the Biden classified docs found nothing criminal but the salty language in their purposely inaccurate report didn't reflect that. Trump-hunter Jack Smith may get Aileen Cannon kicked from the case of the secret docs because of her supreme incompetency and her Trump-sucking biases. American football wankers will gamble on this Super Bowl more than ever.  A pile of conservative spew blathered a second civil war would be worth it if it turned the nation back to JEEBUS. Flamboyant mega load pastor Greg Locke caterwauled over building regulations being applied to his damaged tent-church. STD tests have been made available in vending machines in the UK. Three junk studies on abortion pills were pulled by their journals but not before being cited in decisions by Federal judges.

DC Circuit court unanimously ruled Trump is not immune. Shitler blathered something stupid about the ruling which included a threat to Obama and other former presidents. Special Counsel for the United States Department of Justice Jack Smith might try to have Judge Aileen Cannon removed from the case over her catering to the former guy's baseless requests. GOP candidate Nikki Haley lost the Nevada primary to "none of these candidates." Neckless Fox-load Sean Hannity interviewed a fascist Guardian Angel while another "Guardian", just off camera, beat a fellow human for being brown. The impeachment of the Secretary of Homeland Security by the idiot Repubs of the House failed. Wanker Ronna McDaniel quit the RNC because she's powerless and useless against Trump. Bad politicians and oppressive local laws are causing Americans to move to more progressive parts of the country. Republican simpleton Dusty Devers declared a holy way upon adult videos. The ex of Boebert said the restraining order from his former wife was cruel and unjust. Tooty Rudy has nary a cent left in his smelly piggy bank.

Ridiculous "God's Army" invaded a Texas border town. Climate scientists have created a more intense category of hurricanes because the globe is getting warm AF. The Senate border bill is everything the demonic GOP ordered but the Trumpkin-repubs won't pass it. Candidate for POTUS Nikki Haley dissed her party for not voting on the immigration bill. Board members felt pressure from their boss Elon Musk to partake in drugs. Speaking of turkey-shaped fascist Musk, his company Space X is set to drop some space junk in the water just off the coast fo the Crab's hometown of Pensacola. Czar Puddin' Fingers, AKA DeSantis, blathered horrible garbage about Florida's homeless community and then committed to a new war on poverty. Former Fox-load Tucker Carlson packed his kneepads and made his way to Russian daddy Putin for a possible interview. In a When Animals Get Pissed segment, a snake catcher was murdered by a cobra, the Crabs reviewed a study showing a tremendous uptick in shark attacks worldwide and no one is protecting the people of India from Tigers. E-scooters were banned in Paris.

Is anyone surprised Trump's CFO lied his face off? During a deposition at Mara Lago for the E. Jean Carroll defamation trial, Shitler pitched an epic fit when he learned his legal team offered to pay for lunch for Carroll's attorneys. The FBI "missed" searching a locked closet when they raided the Winter White House for stolen documents. Trump's former CFO's perjury charge put a temporary stop to the New York fraud trial. Governor Puddin' Fingers, AKA DeSantis, blew threw so much cash in his disastrous run for POTUS. Christian ninnies in Spain lost their minds over a fabulous depiction of Jesus. In an extended "When Animals Get Pissed" segment, the Crabs learned about monkeys overruning parts of Thailand, a kangaroo punching a cop and there was a shark attack in Australia because it's a day ending in "y." Acting legend Carl Weathers died. The Crabs' hometown of Pensacola introduced stupid legislation to resurrect monuments to the Jim Crow laws.

Crazed MAGA cultists are declaring war on Taylor Swift because the loons are scared crapless that she will endorse Joe Biden and encourage young people to vote. Insane crook Donald Trump swears he was vindicated in the court cases he has already lost. Alina Habba, the inept lawyer for the orange FPOTUS, complained to the judge then immediately walked it back after she was threatened with sanctions. Some evil rich guy gave Trump a million dollars for his legal defense. John Bolton took a moment away from his Iraq war spank bank to tell us all how the insane former president only wanted to take out a terrorist leader to make himself look good. Tucker Carlson joined many other MAGA turds in predicting violence from their side if SCOTUS allows states to kick Trump off the ballot. Citizens in south Louisiana are suffering from lack of clean water while an indifferent company is pumping zillions of gallons for its purposes. The few decent Republicans left are angry at their Trump-humping colleagues who want to kill a bipartisan deal at the behest of their great leader.