Dads need to help boys understand and shape masculinity.

In years past, fathers were often "there, but not there," according to Craig Wilkinson, a dad of two and founder of Father a Nation, a South African nonprofit that addresses gender-based violence, crime and fatherlessness by restoring and equipping  men to be nation-builders, fathers and role models. Dads focused on providing for their families, as that's what they were taught. They didn't engage emotionally because their parents didn't emotionally engage with them -- and because few people recognized fathers' role in the emotional development of children.

Now we know that fathers are critically important to their children's well-being -- to the world's well-being.

"Boys look to older men to model for them how to be a man," Craig says. The question boys are often asking (whether they verbalize it or not) is Am I man enough? Do I have what it takes? When boys aren't taught to harness their strength and drives, they may behave in ways that harm themselves and others. But "if a boy is seen and validated...and taught to use his drives and his strengths for good, there's no need for him to hurt himself or misuse his strength in any way," Craig says.

Consistently "being there" for our boys is key.

"If they consistently know you are there and the door's open, they will come," Craig says. "They will come." Parents, he says, need to "Be there. Be present, be engaged, be there."

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Craig discuss:

The changing role of fathers

Finding male mentors

What boys and girls need from dads

Counteracting mixed messages about masculinity

Supporting boys through puberty

How moms can facilitate father/son relationships

Signaling your availability to your son (even if you don't live with him)

Making micro-connections

A human-first approach

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

craigwilko.com -- Craig's website; includes links to his books

Father a Nation -- includes link to free online course, No Excuse for Abuse: Why Gender-Based Violence Happens and How We Can Stop It

The 12 Dad Verbs 

Mathew Blades on Healing Generational Trauma -- ON BOYS podcast

Love Bridges: Why Moments of Micro-Connection Matter, by Maggie Dent

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