Do boys need a rescue plan?

The available evidence says yes. Collectively, our boys are struggling academically, socially, emotionally, and economically. Their academic, educational, and workforce involvement has decreased. Their suicide rates have risen. Ignoring these issues isn’t in our best interest.

Fortunately, more and more people are talking about the challenges facing boys & young men. But talking about boys’ challenges isn’t enough. We must act to improve outcomes.

Author and counselor Michael Gurian has spent the past 40 years thinking, writing about, and advocating for boys (and girls.). His latest project — Boys, A Rescue Plan: Moving Beyond the Politics of Masculinity to Healthy Male Development, a book he co-authored with Sean Kullman — outlines a path forward.

In this conversation, Michael, Janet, & Jen discuss their 7 point rescue plan:

1. Raise Boys To Thrive in a Three Family System
2. Provide Seven Nurturing Elements to Boys Who Are In Trouble
3. Train All Schools in Boy-Friendly Practices
4. Complete Your Own Classroom Citizen Science
5. Compel School Boards to Include Sex Differences in Annual Reports
6.  Decrease the Male Gender Gap in College Education
7. Build and Support Community Programs That Help Boys Thrive  

Takeaways:

• Understanding male development is crucial for effective support.
• Trauma plays a significant role in boys’ behavior.
• Education systems need to adopt boy-friendly practices.
• Data collection is crucial for understanding and addressing educational disparities.
• Citizen science allows parents and teachers to observe and improve educational environments.
• The politics of masculinity can distract from real issues.
• Solutions for boys already exist and need to be implemented. Trauma in education can stem from systemic issues.
• Community programs should actively involve boys in their development.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Boys, A Rescue Plan: Moving Beyond the Politics of Masculinity to Healthy Male Development, by Michael Gurian & Sean Kullman

Gurian Institute — online home for all things Gurian (includes links to his books, classes, & upcoming events)

www.michaelgurian.com 

Michael Gurian on Raising Boys — ON BOYS podcast episode

Global Initiative for Boys & Men — ON BOYS podcast episode featuring Michael’s Rescue Plan co-author, Sean Kullman

Global Initiative for Boys & Men

In His Words — Sean’s Substack newsletter

 

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How do we help boys along the path to manhood? 

That’s a question Paul Cumbo, a veteran educator, has been asking for a long time. It’s one he’s well-positioned to answer too, given that he’s spent the past few decades of his life teaching, educating, and coaching teenage boys and young men. His latest book, A Path to Manhood, offers encouragement and advice to young men.

The available evidence suggests that our boys and young men need support and guidance. Too many have withdrawn from modern life, choosing to spend most of their time online. Too many feel unwanted, useless, and accused. Paul reminds boys and men that they matter. As he writes in the in the first chapter of his book, he doesn’t “buy the cultural narrative that men are simple.” He encourages young men to chart their own path through life, and shares how listeners can help boys on their journey.

Takeaways:

• Each person’s path to manhood is unique and must be navigated individually.
• Paralysis by analysis is a common issue among today’s youth.
• Boys crave to be needed and to contribute meaningfully.
• Long-term vision is essential for effective planning.
• Backtracking is a natural part of the journey.
• Transformative travel can provide profound experiences.
• Joy is deeper and more meaningful than mere happiness.
• Young men seek challenges and opportunities for growth.
• Experiences of genuine joy are crucial for well-being.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

A Path to Manhood: Encouragement and Advice for Young Men, by Paul Cumbo

paulcumbo.com

paulcumbo.substack.com/ — Paul’s Substack newsletter

Camino Institute – info re the Young Men’s International Seminar (Note: there are still some spaces left for the 3rd Annual Young Men’s International Seminar, which runs June 14-21, 2025)

Wilderness Therapy with Paul Cumbo — ON BOYS podcast episode

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What if supporting Black boys could transform education for all students?

David Kirkland, founder & CEO of forwardED, believes it can—and research backs him up. In this episode, David challenges educators to put a deliberate focus on Black boys, not just to address persistent disparities in academic achievement and discipline, but because creating environments where Black boys thrive benefits every student.

Photo by Borce Coded via Pexels

“It’s not that Black males fail. It’s that we fail Black males,” David says. To change outcomes, we need to shift the narrative—from blaming students to examining how systems and practices fall short.

In this conversation, we explore:

• Why Black boys remain the most vulnerable student population in U.S. schools
• How the education system contributes to disparities in achievement and discipline
• The power of reframing: shifting from “fixing students” to transforming systems
• The role of funding, culturally responsive education, and policy changes in driving real progress
• How focusing on the needs of Black boys leads to better outcomes for all students

This isn’t just about equity for one group—it’s about reimagining education so every child can thrive.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

www.forward-ed.com/

Reclaiming Possibliity: An Intentional Focus on Black Boys This School Year — article by David

Can We Talk? A Critical Examination of Cellphone Bans in Schools — article by David

Black Boys Matter — ON BOYS episode

Supporting Black Boys Mental Health (w Chandra White-Cummings) — ON BOYS episode

Boys in School Task Force — ON BOYS episode

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Imperfect men helped Greg Hlavaty become a good guy. 

“I think what saved me were men who stepped in as surrogate fathers,” Greg wrote in a recent essay. Those men weren’t exactly role models: One, Greg says, “was openly racist and bragged about having lobbed bricks from overpasses in his youth.” The other was “a middle-aged alcoholic…who regularly taught class drunk.” But both “really listened” to Greg, encouraged him, and were “genuinely proud” of his accomplishments. They connected with Great — and that, as they say, made all the difference.

Make Room for Less-Than-Perfect Men

Limiting boys’ contact with less-than-ideal role models might be harming our boys — and our men. In this conversation, Greg & Jen explore the surprising ways flawed, imperfect men can shape boys into compassionate, confident adults, as well as how we can encourage supportive connections between boys & men.

Takeaways:

• Surrogate father figures can have a profound impact on young men’s lives.
• Red flags in behavior should be assessed with context, not stigma.
• Accountability from mentors can guide young men towards better choices.
• Community involvement is essential in raising boys to be good men.
• Engaging in a child’s interests can strengthen bonds.
• Many men feel unqualified to mentor young people.
• Our culture often discourages intergenerational connections.
• Being present in a young person’s life can have a significant impact.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Stop Ignoring the Mental Health of Young Men — Greg’s essay

In Praise of Imperfect Men — Building Boys Bulletin post by Jen

What About Less-Than-Ideal Role Models? — Building Boys post by Jen

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Do you know what the parent amplification effect is? 

Do you know how to use it your (and your kids’!) benefit?

 “Because of children’s dependency on their parents, any parental remark – positive or negative – gets magnified in the child’s mind,” says Adam Galinsky, a social scientist, business school professor, dad of two boys, and author of Inspire: The Universal Path for Leading Yourself & Others. That’s the parent amplification effect.

“An offhand compliment can inspire a lifelong passion, while a critical comment may lead a child to abandon an activity altogether,” Adam says. 

In this conversation, Adam, Jen, & Janet discuss how parents can use their words to positively impact their children.

Takeaways:

• Our words have meaning, but we won’t always say the right thing.
• Offhand comments can have lasting effects on a child’s self-esteem.
• Parents are not perfect and will make mistakes.
• Children are always observing, even when we think they aren’t listening.
• Awareness of our impact as parents is crucial for effective communication.
• Guilt can be constructive, while shame can be harmful.
• Children are resilient and can overcome negative experiences.
• We can learn to be more inspiring leaders and parents.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Inspire: The Universal Path for Leading Yourself & Others

How to Speak Up for Yourself — Adam’s TED talk

Listen to Boys & Young Men – ON BOYS episode

Nonverbal Communication with Boys — ON BOYS episode

 

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What happens when we prioritize independence over connection? According to Dr. Niobe Way, a developmental psychologist and author of Rebels with a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, & Our Future, it creates a “boy culture” that isolates boys and diminishes their relational skills.

Dr. Way has spent 40 years studying boys and uncovering the challenges they face as they navigate societal expectations of strength, autonomy, and self-reliance. Her research shows that these cultural messages undermine boys’ natural relational intelligence and hinder their ability to build and sustain deep friendships.

In this episode, Dr. Way dives into the critical role of relationships in mental health and human flourishing—not just for boys, but for all of us. She explains how cultural norms, rather than biology, shape male behavior and outlines practical steps parents and educators can take to nurture boys’ emotional and relational capacities.

Dr. Way also shares powerful insights from her research, including the wisdom of a 7th-grade boy who noted, “When we make things biology, we think we can’t change it.” This episode is a call to rethink how we support boys—and ourselves—in building the connections we all need to thrive.

Takeaways:

• The stereotype of the self-sufficient man is damaging not only to boys but to society as a whole.
• Boys are born with the same relational intelligence as girls, but cultural conditioning suppresses it over time.
• To support boys, we need to normalize conversations about relationships and model emotional vulnerability.
• Fostering deep connections can improve mental health and combat harmful cultural narratives about masculinity.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

www.niobe-way.com

Rebels with a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, & Our Future, by Dr. Niobe Way

Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships & The Crisis of Connection, by Dr. Niobe Way

Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, by (U.S. Surgeon General) Vivek Murthy

Pink Brain, Blue Brain: How Small Differences Grow Into Troublesome Gaps – and What We Can Do About It, by Dr. Lise Eliot

When Boys Become Boys: Development, Relationships, and Masculinity, by Judy Chu

The Listening Project

Dr. Friendtastic on Boys & Friendship — ON BOYS episode

Why Now is the Best Time to Raise Boys (w Michael Reichert) — ON BOYS episode

 

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Play is a powerful tool for parenting & child development.

Mr. Rogers once said “Play is serious learning” and “the work of childhood,” and we and our guest, Georgie Wisen-Vincent, couldn’t agree more.

That’s not to say or imply that play is serious or work in the way that most of adults think of “serious” or “work.” Rather, it’s to underscore the fact that play — as fun as it can be! — is not a frivolity. It’s not trivial or unimportant at all. In fact, it’s absolutely vital for health human development.

“Play is essential for long-term success,” Georgie says. Yet no one really teaches parents how to engage in & support their children’s play. In this episode, we share some fun, easy strategies you can use to play with your kids.

Takeaways:

• Short moments of play can have significant developmental benefits.
• Involving children in household tasks can be a form of play.
• Play helps build emotional connections and communication skills.
• Using play can make daily routines more enjoyable for families.
• Children learn empathy and social skills through play. Repetition in play is crucial for neural development.
• Children often express emotions through playful scenarios.
• Pretend play allows children to process aggression safely.
• Joining children in play can ease transitions from screens.
• Nature provides a nurturing environment for play.
• Incorporating play into daily life strengthens family bonds.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The Way of Play: Using Little Moments of Big Connection to Raise Calm, Confident Kids, by Tina Payne Bryson and Georgie Wisen-Vincent 

The Center for Connection

PlayStrong Institute

Teacher Tom on Connections & Play-Based Learning – ON BOYS episode

Gun Play & Boys – ON BOYS episode

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Modern male puberty starts sooner than you think. 

Boys today may enter puberty as early as age nine. That’s why your 10-year-old’s mood swings might actually be linked to these new hormonal shifts. As Cara Natterson and Vanessa Kroll Bennett point out in their book, This Is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained, the first sign of puberty often comes with a slamming door.

Why Parents Miss the First Signs

Many parents aren’t ready for male puberty. Early physical changes can be subtle, and they usually appear just as boys begin seeking more privacy. According to Vanessa, it’s entirely possible you won’t notice the initial stages of puberty until your son’s behavior shifts dramatically.

When Your 10-Year-Old Acts More Like a Teen

Puberty hormones—mainly testosterone—don’t just change bodies; they shape moods, too. Sudden spikes are associated with outbursts and that well-known “swing to silence” so many adolescent boys display. Pediatrician Cara Natterson explains these hormone surges can escalate and crash within hours, and that emotional roller coaster is often what you see when your son acts like “a jerk.”

They Dislike the Swings, Too

Kids don’t enjoy these wild ups and downs any more than you do. Their brains are awash in hormones they don’t yet know how to handle, causing confusion and moodiness. In addition, boys’ emotional regulation skills aren’t fully developed, which is why parents, teachers, and other adults need to show empathy while holding them accountable.

Offer Room to Recover

“We have to give boys the benefit of the doubt,” Vanessa advises, emphasizing that many feel ashamed after a blow-up. By giving them space to cool off, then reconnecting later, you let them know there’s a path to re-enter the conversation without judgment.

Weathering the Adolescent Storm

It’s normal to feel grief, fear, and frustration as your son navigates puberty. Boys often distance themselves from parents during this time, which can feel like rejection. Don’t forget they usually “come back” after they’ve crossed the threshold into more mature adolescence.

A Messy Yet Meaningful Journey

Yes, your son might seem smelly, messy, or downright disrespectful right now—none of which means he’ll stay that way, or that you’ve parented poorly. As Vanessa says, guiding boys toward kindness, empathy, and thoughtfulness is a winding road filled with bumps.

Respond, Don’t React

When tempers flare, remain calm. Give your son the space he needs, and circle back once he’s cooled down. Teach him about emotions in those quieter moments and seek additional help if needed. By walking alongside him, you’ll both be better prepared to handle the challenges—and rewards—of growing up.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

This is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained, by Cara Natterson, MD & Vanessa Kroll Bennett

lessawkward.com — Cara & Vanessa’s website (includes links to their books, newsletter, podcast, & talks)

The Puberty Podcast — Cara & Vanessa’s podcast (Don’t miss Jen on their podcast — Building Boys with Jennifer Fink)

Decoding Boys w Dr. Cara Natterson –– ON BOYS episode

The Truth About Parenting Teen Boys — the famous BuildingBoys post about 14-yr-old boys being a**holes

Puberty, Perimenopause, & Midlife Parenting — ON BOYS episode

Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys, by Cara Natterson

Guy Stuff Feelings: Everything You Need to Know About Your Emotions, by Cara Natterson

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Which ON BOYS episodes were the Best of 2024? 

Photo by ALINA MATVEYCHEVA via Pexels

Your favorites include:

5. Needed: Boy-Friendly Schools

Tyler, a 16-year-old Texas boy, started struggling in middle school. Recess was no more. Classes were 90 minutes long. So, “he found it really hard to sit still in class,” says Julie Jargon, the Wall Street Journal Family & Tech columnist who interviewed Tyler for her series on boys and education. Now a high school student, Tyler suggests that “instead of making guys change the way they behave, maybe schools should change the way they’re structured.”

4. Middle School: Misunderstood or Magic?

“This is a very pervasive story, that middle school is terrible. But it doesn’t have to be. We make it terrible by working directly against the developmental needs of middle schoolers and designing these buildings and classes in way that make their lives really hard,” says veteran educator Chris Balme, author of Finding the Magic in Middle School: Tapping into the Power and Potential of the Middle School Years.

3. Modern Male Puberty is Awkward

Your son may well be annoying, thoughtless, disrespectful, disorganized, smelly, and messy during puberty. None of that means he’ll end up that way as an adult. And none of it means that you’re doing (or have done) something wrong.“The path to building kind, empathic, loving, thoughtful men is a very windy, bumpy road,” Vanessa says. “And at every step of the way, it can be really tempting to lose faith.”

2. How to Raise a Healthy Gamer

“Right now, there is an antagonistic relationship between most parents & their kids around video gaming,” Dr. K says. “You think they need to cut back; they don’t think they have a problem. Then, as parents start to institute limits, children will try to undermine them. Even if you ‘win’ in this scenario, you lose.”It’s more helpful, he says, to establish a collaborative relationship.

1. Set Boys Up for School Success

“It’s really essential that we, as parents & educators of boys, are preparing them to navigate the struggles within school,” says Dr. Todd (Jason) Feltman, author of Transforming into a Powerful Third, Fourth, or 5th Grade Navigator of School Success.  “It’s not just the academic struggles but also the socialization, the physical and emotional struggles.”

A few of our other 2024 favorites:

Color Blindness in Boys

Circumcision: Facts & Myths

FBI: Sextortion Targets Boys

Navigating Youth Mental Health in the Digital Age

Emily Edlynn on A Healthier Approach to Tech

Dr. Niobe Way on Reimaging Boys

Uplifting Black Boys Benefits All Students

 

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Gaming is a BIG part of boys’ lives today!

So, it’s no surprise that our March 14 conversation with Dr. K, How to Raise a Healthy Gamer, is our Listener Fav of 2024.

Dr. K (full name: Alok Kanojia) is a psychiatrist, dad, and life-long gamer. He knows video games and know what works. He also has deep compassion for gamers & their families. If you haven’t yet read his book, How to Raise a Healthy Gamer: End Power Struggles, Break Bad Screen Habits, and Transform Your Relationship with Your Kids, we highly recommend it!

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

How to Raise a Healthy Gamer: End Power Struggles, Break Bad Screen Habits, and Transform Your Relationship with Your Kids, by Alok Kanojia (aka Dr. K)

www.healthygamer.gg — Dr. K’s website

Why are Video Games So Important to Boys? — ON BOYS episode

The Evolution of Esports — ON BOYS episode

Video Game Addiction — ON BOYS episode

Emily Edlynn on a Healthier Approach to Tech — ON BOYS episode

The Link Between Freedom & Video Games — BuildingBoys blog post

Why Boys Play Video Games – BuildingBoys blog post

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Boy-affirming merch!

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