Is your son pulling away, shutting down, or showing little interest in school or chores?

You’re not alone — and there is a way forward.

In this third episode of our special 3-part ON BOYS series, we focus on how to foster intrinsic (inner) motivation in boys. Because yes, it’s in there — even when it feels completely buried.

We’ll help you understand the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation, and why both matter. You’ll hear real-world examples from our own lives and families, plus honest talk about what doesn’t work. (Spoiler: there’s no magic phrase that makes a boy suddenly say, “Sure, I’d love to do my homework!”).

Photo By: Kaboompics.com via Pexels

Takeaways:

• Inner motivation is the key to lasting engagement.
• External rewards (ice cream, screen time, earrings!) can work in the short term — even for adults.
• Understanding your son’s developmental stage helps you support him more effectively.
• Motivation-building strategies will look different for each child — even within the same family.
• Parents can boost motivation by aligning with boys’ goals and interests.

his episode is part of our lead-up to the Boost Boys’ Motivation interactive class:

3 live sessions in May 2025 with real-time Q&A, strategies, support & community.

 Register now at boysalive.com/boost

Use coupon code ONBOYS to save $50 (just $99 for all three sessions!)

If you’ve ever wanted to jump into the conversation with us — this is your chance.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Empowering Boys & Dyslexic Learners — ON BOYS episode

How Your Anxiety is Sabotaging Your Son’s Motivation — ON BOYS episode

Boost Boys’ Motivation — ON BOYS episode

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You can’t effectively boost boys’ motivation until you address YOUR anxiety and fear. 

We know: You want your son to do his homework. To follow through on commitments. To care.

So, when he shrugs, resists, or just doesn’t seem to try, your anxiety spikes — and before you even know what’s happening, you’re caught in a spiral of worry about his future.

In this episode of ON BOYS, we talk about one of the most overlooked (but most powerful!) factors in boosting boys’ motivation: your mindset.

This episode is the second in our special three-part series on Boys & Motivation. (Find part one here.) We’re diving into the pressure parents feel, the unspoken fear that drives us, and how those feelings affect the way we interact with our sons. Plus, we share why community is key and how coming together with other parents can help you show up more effectively for your boy.

Photo by Kindel Media via Pexels

Takeaways:

• Parents’ fear & anxiety can get in the way of helping boys develop motivation
• Boys change constantly — avoid future-tripping!
• There are concrete, supportive ways parents can help build a motivating environment
• Releasing the pressure (internal and external) makes space for progress

Want more support? Join us for Boost Boys’ Motivation: How to Ignite His Spark (Without Nagging or Yelling) — a 3-session live series starting May 6, 2025.

Use code ONBOYS to save $50 → boysalive.com/boost

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Overcoming Fears & Worries to Say YES — ON BOYS episode

Parent from Love, Not Fear (w Bryan Post) — ON BOYS episode

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It is possible to boost boys’ motivation.

Doing so, though, starts with understanding why so boys are unmotivated. A big part of it is developmental: apathy and an “I don’t care/I don’t wanna” attitude commonly show up around puberty. As boy grow from boyhood to adulthood, they begin to question their priorities, interests, and goals. That’s a good thing! AND, it can be incredibly frustrating for parents and teachers who can’t see the behind-the-scenes work, who only see a once-motivated boy pulling back from previous interests and failing to to complete his homework or chores.

Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko

Takeaways:

• Apparent lack of motivation is common during boys’ tween & teen years
• Approaching boys with understanding is a lot more effective than nagging
• Parents and teachers can boost boys’ motivation
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REGISTER FOR THIS 3-SESSION SERIES (begins May 6th)

CLICK HERE: Boost Boys Motivation: How to Ignite His Spark (Without Nagging or Yelling) i

Use coupon code ONBOYS to save $50.

https://boysalive.com/boost

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Adam Price: “He’s Not Lazy” — ON BOYS episode

Listener Q & A: Getting Curious & Motivating Boys — ON BOYS episode

Maggie Dent on How to Motivate Boys — ON BOYS episode

Passion = Motivation = Learning — Building Boys Bulletin 2-14-22

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The first episode of ON BOYS podcast went live March 12, 2018. Seven years ago!

Over the past seven years, we’ve talked to guests from around the globe: Maggie Dent, Michael Gurian, Amy Lang, ADHD Dude Ryan Wexelblatt, Steve Biddulph, Richard V. Reeves, Ruth Whippman, and so, so many others.

We’re talked about puberty, porn, school, ADHD, autism, entrepreneurism, motivation, sports, suicide, consent, respect, dating, and – again — so, so much more.

Jen’s boys grew up in that time. Her youngest is now 19; her oldest, 27. Janet became an Oma (a grandma) — and is looking forward to welcoming two more grandchildren this year! Boys’ & men’s issues are now part of national and international conversations, and we hope those conversations fuel continued change. Boys need and deserve our love and support too.

This will be the last Jen-and-Janet episode of ON BOYS podcast. We’ve loved sharing our lives & learning with you, and we thank you for trusting us with your questions and stories.

Remember: We’ve got seven years of content in our archives! When a new boy-raising concern comes up, run a search in our archives. Odds are good that you’ll find something to help you through. Jen will also continue her Substack newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin, so you can connect with her there. Janet will also continue family coaching — and soon, Jen & Janet will offer another session of their popular class, Boost Boys’ Motivation. (Want to be sure you get the info as soon as it’s available? Sign up for Building Boys Bulletin.)

Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males

Get Jen’s book here

 

Breakthrough Session for Family Coaching

Schedule your no-cost call with Janet at https://boysalive.com/call

 

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Raising Awe-Seekers, the first parenting book by author Deborah Farmer Kris, outlines a transformative approach to parenting based on joy, wonder, and curiosity.  

Science, Deb says, shown that awe isn’t just a feel-good experience—it also helps kids develop resilience, strengthen relationships, and manage stress. But in a world filled with distractions and negativity, how do we nurture awe in everyday life?

Educator and author Deborah Farmer Kris joins Jen & Janet to discuss insights from her new book, Raising Awe-Seekers: How the Science of Wonder Helps Our Kids Thrive. She explains why awe is essential for children’s emotional well-being and how simple, daily moments—like watching a sunset, listening to music, or witnessing an act of kindness—can shape a child’s perspective and growth.

“Awe helps kids zoom out,” Deborah says. “It reminds them they’re part of something bigger.” And here’s the best part: You don’t need to take your kid on an epic adventure to cultivate awe—you just need to pay attention.

Takeaways:

• Awe can motivate positive action and change.
• Awe can reduce stress and improve mental health.
• Collective experiences of awe foster community and belonging.
• Curiosity is closely linked to experiencing awe.
• Fostering curiosity in children enhances their learning capabilities. Five minutes a day with your child is protective.
• Attention restoration theory helps improve focus and learning.
• The single most common source of awe is goodness.
• Awe and wonder can transform parenting.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Raising Awe-Seekers: How The Science of Wonder Helps Our Kids Thrive, by Deborah Farmer Kris

Raising Awe-Seekers — Deborah’s Substack newsletter

Hope for Cynics: The Surprising Science of Human Goodness, by Jamil Zaki

Deborah Farmer Discusses Emotional Literacy (& Awe!) — ON BOYS episode

Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males

Get Jen’s book here

 

Breakthrough Session for Family Coaching

Schedule your no-cost call with Janet at https://boysalive.com/call

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Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How do you respond to a 6-year-old boy who thinks he has to “play rough” to prove his masculinity?

How can you make space a small boy’s emotions when you also have other kids to keep on track?

And what do you do, exactly, when your formerly potty-trained son starts having accidents at school?

These are some of the questions Jen & Janet tackle in this Listener Q & A.

Takeaways:

• Boys often face developmental expectations that don’t align with their actual growth.
• Rough play can be a way for boys to express themselves, but it needs guidance.
• School stress and anxiety can manifest in physical symptoms 
• Potty training regressions are common and should be approached with patience.
• Creative approaches can help redirect a child’s focus during emotional outbursts.
• Parents should not feel guilty about using screen time as a tool.
• Seeking support from parenting coaches can provide valuable insights.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) — ON BOYS episode

Teacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotion, & Play — ON BOYS episode

Do Schools Create “Problem Boys?” — ON BOYS episode

Myths & Misconceptions About Boys — ON BOYS episode

Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males

Get Jen’s 2nd book here

 

Breakthrough Session for Family Coaching

Schedule your no-cost call with Janet at https://boysalive.com/call

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Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Do boys need a rescue plan?

The available evidence says yes. Collectively, our boys are struggling academically, socially, emotionally, and economically. Their academic, educational, and workforce involvement has decreased. Their suicide rates have risen. Ignoring these issues isn’t in our best interest.

Fortunately, more and more people are talking about the challenges facing boys & young men. But talking about boys’ challenges isn’t enough. We must act to improve outcomes.

Author and counselor Michael Gurian has spent the past 40 years thinking, writing about, and advocating for boys (and girls.). His latest project — Boys, A Rescue Plan: Moving Beyond the Politics of Masculinity to Healthy Male Development, a book he co-authored with Sean Kullman — outlines a path forward.

In this conversation, Michael, Janet, & Jen discuss their 7 point rescue plan:

1. Raise Boys To Thrive in a Three Family System
2. Provide Seven Nurturing Elements to Boys Who Are In Trouble
3. Train All Schools in Boy-Friendly Practices
4. Complete Your Own Classroom Citizen Science
5. Compel School Boards to Include Sex Differences in Annual Reports
6.  Decrease the Male Gender Gap in College Education
7. Build and Support Community Programs That Help Boys Thrive  

Takeaways:

• Understanding male development is crucial for effective support.
• Trauma plays a significant role in boys’ behavior.
• Education systems need to adopt boy-friendly practices.
• Data collection is crucial for understanding and addressing educational disparities.
• Citizen science allows parents and teachers to observe and improve educational environments.
• The politics of masculinity can distract from real issues.
• Solutions for boys already exist and need to be implemented. Trauma in education can stem from systemic issues.
• Community programs should actively involve boys in their development.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Boys, A Rescue Plan: Moving Beyond the Politics of Masculinity to Healthy Male Development, by Michael Gurian & Sean Kullman

Gurian Institute — online home for all things Gurian (includes links to his books, classes, & upcoming events)

www.michaelgurian.com 

Michael Gurian on Raising Boys — ON BOYS podcast episode

Global Initiative for Boys & Men — ON BOYS podcast episode featuring Michael’s Rescue Plan co-author, Sean Kullman

Global Initiative for Boys & Men

In His Words — Sean’s Substack newsletter

 

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How do we help boys along the path to manhood? 

That’s a question Paul Cumbo, a veteran educator, has been asking for a long time. It’s one he’s well-positioned to answer too, given that he’s spent the past few decades of his life teaching, educating, and coaching teenage boys and young men. His latest book, A Path to Manhood, offers encouragement and advice to young men.

The available evidence suggests that our boys and young men need support and guidance. Too many have withdrawn from modern life, choosing to spend most of their time online. Too many feel unwanted, useless, and accused. Paul reminds boys and men that they matter. As he writes in the in the first chapter of his book, he doesn’t “buy the cultural narrative that men are simple.” He encourages young men to chart their own path through life, and shares how listeners can help boys on their journey.

Takeaways:

• Each person’s path to manhood is unique and must be navigated individually.
• Paralysis by analysis is a common issue among today’s youth.
• Boys crave to be needed and to contribute meaningfully.
• Long-term vision is essential for effective planning.
• Backtracking is a natural part of the journey.
• Transformative travel can provide profound experiences.
• Joy is deeper and more meaningful than mere happiness.
• Young men seek challenges and opportunities for growth.
• Experiences of genuine joy are crucial for well-being.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

A Path to Manhood: Encouragement and Advice for Young Men, by Paul Cumbo

paulcumbo.com

paulcumbo.substack.com/ — Paul’s Substack newsletter

Camino Institute – info re the Young Men’s International Seminar (Note: there are still some spaces left for the 3rd Annual Young Men’s International Seminar, which runs June 14-21, 2025)

Wilderness Therapy with Paul Cumbo — ON BOYS podcast episode

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What if supporting Black boys could transform education for all students?

David Kirkland, founder & CEO of forwardED, believes it can—and research backs him up. In this episode, David challenges educators to put a deliberate focus on Black boys, not just to address persistent disparities in academic achievement and discipline, but because creating environments where Black boys thrive benefits every student.

Photo by Borce Coded via Pexels

“It’s not that Black males fail. It’s that we fail Black males,” David says. To change outcomes, we need to shift the narrative—from blaming students to examining how systems and practices fall short.

In this conversation, we explore:

• Why Black boys remain the most vulnerable student population in U.S. schools
• How the education system contributes to disparities in achievement and discipline
• The power of reframing: shifting from “fixing students” to transforming systems
• The role of funding, culturally responsive education, and policy changes in driving real progress
• How focusing on the needs of Black boys leads to better outcomes for all students

This isn’t just about equity for one group—it’s about reimagining education so every child can thrive.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

www.forward-ed.com/

Reclaiming Possibliity: An Intentional Focus on Black Boys This School Year — article by David

Can We Talk? A Critical Examination of Cellphone Bans in Schools — article by David

Black Boys Matter — ON BOYS episode

Supporting Black Boys Mental Health (w Chandra White-Cummings) — ON BOYS episode

Boys in School Task Force — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Hello Fresh

Get 10 FREE meals at HelloFresh.com/FreeONBOYS 

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Imperfect men helped Greg Hlavaty become a good guy. 

“I think what saved me were men who stepped in as surrogate fathers,” Greg wrote in a recent essay. Those men weren’t exactly role models: One, Greg says, “was openly racist and bragged about having lobbed bricks from overpasses in his youth.” The other was “a middle-aged alcoholic…who regularly taught class drunk.” But both “really listened” to Greg, encouraged him, and were “genuinely proud” of his accomplishments. They connected with Great — and that, as they say, made all the difference.

Make Room for Less-Than-Perfect Men

Limiting boys’ contact with less-than-ideal role models might be harming our boys — and our men. In this conversation, Greg & Jen explore the surprising ways flawed, imperfect men can shape boys into compassionate, confident adults, as well as how we can encourage supportive connections between boys & men.

Takeaways:

• Surrogate father figures can have a profound impact on young men’s lives.
• Red flags in behavior should be assessed with context, not stigma.
• Accountability from mentors can guide young men towards better choices.
• Community involvement is essential in raising boys to be good men.
• Engaging in a child’s interests can strengthen bonds.
• Many men feel unqualified to mentor young people.
• Our culture often discourages intergenerational connections.
• Being present in a young person’s life can have a significant impact.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Stop Ignoring the Mental Health of Young Men — Greg’s essay

In Praise of Imperfect Men — Building Boys Bulletin post by Jen

What About Less-Than-Ideal Role Models? — Building Boys post by Jen

Sponsor Spotlight: Hello Fresh

Get 10 FREE meals at HelloFresh.com/FreeONBOYS 

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