ON BOYS Podcast

Imperfect men helped Greg Hlavaty become a good guy. 

“I think what saved me were men who stepped in as surrogate fathers,” Greg wrote in a recent essay. Those men weren’t exactly role models: One, Greg says, “was openly racist and bragged about having lobbed bricks from overpasses in his youth.” The other was “a middle-aged alcoholic…who regularly taught class drunk.” But both “really listened” to Greg, encouraged him, and were “genuinely proud” of his accomplishments. They connected with Great — and that, as they say, made all the difference.

Make Room for Less-Than-Perfect Men

Limiting boys’ contact with less-than-ideal role models might be harming our boys — and our men. In this conversation, Greg & Jen explore the surprising ways flawed, imperfect men can shape boys into compassionate, confident adults, as well as how we can encourage supportive connections between boys & men.

Takeaways:

• Surrogate father figures can have a profound impact on young men’s lives.
• Red flags in behavior should be assessed with context, not stigma.
• Accountability from mentors can guide young men towards better choices.
• Community involvement is essential in raising boys to be good men.
• Engaging in a child’s interests can strengthen bonds.
• Many men feel unqualified to mentor young people.
• Our culture often discourages intergenerational connections.
• Being present in a young person’s life can have a significant impact.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Stop Ignoring the Mental Health of Young Men — Greg’s essay

In Praise of Imperfect Men — Building Boys Bulletin post by Jen

What About Less-Than-Ideal Role Models? — Building Boys post by Jen

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Do you know what the parent amplification effect is? 

Do you know how to use it your (and your kids’!) benefit?

 “Because of children’s dependency on their parents, any parental remark – positive or negative – gets magnified in the child’s mind,” says Adam Galinsky, a social scientist, business school professor, dad of two boys, and author of Inspire: The Universal Path for Leading Yourself & Others. That’s the parent amplification effect.

“An offhand compliment can inspire a lifelong passion, while a critical comment may lead a child to abandon an activity altogether,” Adam says. 

In this conversation, Adam, Jen, & Janet discuss how parents can use their words to positively impact their children.

Takeaways:

• Our words have meaning, but we won’t always say the right thing.
• Offhand comments can have lasting effects on a child’s self-esteem.
• Parents are not perfect and will make mistakes.
• Children are always observing, even when we think they aren’t listening.
• Awareness of our impact as parents is crucial for effective communication.
• Guilt can be constructive, while shame can be harmful.
• Children are resilient and can overcome negative experiences.
• We can learn to be more inspiring leaders and parents.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Inspire: The Universal Path for Leading Yourself & Others

How to Speak Up for Yourself — Adam’s TED talk

Listen to Boys & Young Men – ON BOYS episode

Nonverbal Communication with Boys — ON BOYS episode

 

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What happens when we prioritize independence over connection? According to Dr. Niobe Way, a developmental psychologist and author of Rebels with a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, & Our Future, it creates a “boy culture” that isolates boys and diminishes their relational skills.

Dr. Way has spent 40 years studying boys and uncovering the challenges they face as they navigate societal expectations of strength, autonomy, and self-reliance. Her research shows that these cultural messages undermine boys’ natural relational intelligence and hinder their ability to build and sustain deep friendships.

In this episode, Dr. Way dives into the critical role of relationships in mental health and human flourishing—not just for boys, but for all of us. She explains how cultural norms, rather than biology, shape male behavior and outlines practical steps parents and educators can take to nurture boys’ emotional and relational capacities.

Dr. Way also shares powerful insights from her research, including the wisdom of a 7th-grade boy who noted, “When we make things biology, we think we can’t change it.” This episode is a call to rethink how we support boys—and ourselves—in building the connections we all need to thrive.

Takeaways:

• The stereotype of the self-sufficient man is damaging not only to boys but to society as a whole.
• Boys are born with the same relational intelligence as girls, but cultural conditioning suppresses it over time.
• To support boys, we need to normalize conversations about relationships and model emotional vulnerability.
• Fostering deep connections can improve mental health and combat harmful cultural narratives about masculinity.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

www.niobe-way.com

Rebels with a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, & Our Future, by Dr. Niobe Way

Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships & The Crisis of Connection, by Dr. Niobe Way

Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, by (U.S. Surgeon General) Vivek Murthy

Pink Brain, Blue Brain: How Small Differences Grow Into Troublesome Gaps – and What We Can Do About It, by Dr. Lise Eliot

When Boys Become Boys: Development, Relationships, and Masculinity, by Judy Chu

The Listening Project

Dr. Friendtastic on Boys & Friendship — ON BOYS episode

Why Now is the Best Time to Raise Boys (w Michael Reichert) — ON BOYS episode

 

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Play is a powerful tool for parenting & child development.

Mr. Rogers once said “Play is serious learning” and “the work of childhood,” and we and our guest, Georgie Wisen-Vincent, couldn’t agree more.

That’s not to say or imply that play is serious or work in the way that most of adults think of “serious” or “work.” Rather, it’s to underscore the fact that play — as fun as it can be! — is not a frivolity. It’s not trivial or unimportant at all. In fact, it’s absolutely vital for health human development.

“Play is essential for long-term success,” Georgie says. Yet no one really teaches parents how to engage in & support their children’s play. In this episode, we share some fun, easy strategies you can use to play with your kids.

Takeaways:

• Short moments of play can have significant developmental benefits.
• Involving children in household tasks can be a form of play.
• Play helps build emotional connections and communication skills.
• Using play can make daily routines more enjoyable for families.
• Children learn empathy and social skills through play. Repetition in play is crucial for neural development.
• Children often express emotions through playful scenarios.
• Pretend play allows children to process aggression safely.
• Joining children in play can ease transitions from screens.
• Nature provides a nurturing environment for play.
• Incorporating play into daily life strengthens family bonds.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The Way of Play: Using Little Moments of Big Connection to Raise Calm, Confident Kids, by Tina Payne Bryson and Georgie Wisen-Vincent 

The Center for Connection

PlayStrong Institute

Teacher Tom on Connections & Play-Based Learning – ON BOYS episode

Gun Play & Boys – ON BOYS episode

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Modern male puberty starts sooner than you think. 

Boys today may enter puberty as early as age nine. That’s why your 10-year-old’s mood swings might actually be linked to these new hormonal shifts. As Cara Natterson and Vanessa Kroll Bennett point out in their book, This Is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained, the first sign of puberty often comes with a slamming door.

Why Parents Miss the First Signs

Many parents aren’t ready for male puberty. Early physical changes can be subtle, and they usually appear just as boys begin seeking more privacy. According to Vanessa, it’s entirely possible you won’t notice the initial stages of puberty until your son’s behavior shifts dramatically.

When Your 10-Year-Old Acts More Like a Teen

Puberty hormones—mainly testosterone—don’t just change bodies; they shape moods, too. Sudden spikes are associated with outbursts and that well-known “swing to silence” so many adolescent boys display. Pediatrician Cara Natterson explains these hormone surges can escalate and crash within hours, and that emotional roller coaster is often what you see when your son acts like “a jerk.”

They Dislike the Swings, Too

Kids don’t enjoy these wild ups and downs any more than you do. Their brains are awash in hormones they don’t yet know how to handle, causing confusion and moodiness. In addition, boys’ emotional regulation skills aren’t fully developed, which is why parents, teachers, and other adults need to show empathy while holding them accountable.

Offer Room to Recover

“We have to give boys the benefit of the doubt,” Vanessa advises, emphasizing that many feel ashamed after a blow-up. By giving them space to cool off, then reconnecting later, you let them know there’s a path to re-enter the conversation without judgment.

Weathering the Adolescent Storm

It’s normal to feel grief, fear, and frustration as your son navigates puberty. Boys often distance themselves from parents during this time, which can feel like rejection. Don’t forget they usually “come back” after they’ve crossed the threshold into more mature adolescence.

A Messy Yet Meaningful Journey

Yes, your son might seem smelly, messy, or downright disrespectful right now—none of which means he’ll stay that way, or that you’ve parented poorly. As Vanessa says, guiding boys toward kindness, empathy, and thoughtfulness is a winding road filled with bumps.

Respond, Don’t React

When tempers flare, remain calm. Give your son the space he needs, and circle back once he’s cooled down. Teach him about emotions in those quieter moments and seek additional help if needed. By walking alongside him, you’ll both be better prepared to handle the challenges—and rewards—of growing up.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

This is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained, by Cara Natterson, MD & Vanessa Kroll Bennett

lessawkward.com — Cara & Vanessa’s website (includes links to their books, newsletter, podcast, & talks)

The Puberty Podcast — Cara & Vanessa’s podcast (Don’t miss Jen on their podcast — Building Boys with Jennifer Fink)

Decoding Boys w Dr. Cara Natterson –– ON BOYS episode

The Truth About Parenting Teen Boys — the famous BuildingBoys post about 14-yr-old boys being a**holes

Puberty, Perimenopause, & Midlife Parenting — ON BOYS episode

Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys, by Cara Natterson

Guy Stuff Feelings: Everything You Need to Know About Your Emotions, by Cara Natterson

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Which ON BOYS episodes were the Best of 2024? 

Photo by ALINA MATVEYCHEVA via Pexels

Your favorites include:

5. Needed: Boy-Friendly Schools

Tyler, a 16-year-old Texas boy, started struggling in middle school. Recess was no more. Classes were 90 minutes long. So, “he found it really hard to sit still in class,” says Julie Jargon, the Wall Street Journal Family & Tech columnist who interviewed Tyler for her series on boys and education. Now a high school student, Tyler suggests that “instead of making guys change the way they behave, maybe schools should change the way they’re structured.”

4. Middle School: Misunderstood or Magic?

“This is a very pervasive story, that middle school is terrible. But it doesn’t have to be. We make it terrible by working directly against the developmental needs of middle schoolers and designing these buildings and classes in way that make their lives really hard,” says veteran educator Chris Balme, author of Finding the Magic in Middle School: Tapping into the Power and Potential of the Middle School Years.

3. Modern Male Puberty is Awkward

Your son may well be annoying, thoughtless, disrespectful, disorganized, smelly, and messy during puberty. None of that means he’ll end up that way as an adult. And none of it means that you’re doing (or have done) something wrong.“The path to building kind, empathic, loving, thoughtful men is a very windy, bumpy road,” Vanessa says. “And at every step of the way, it can be really tempting to lose faith.”

2. How to Raise a Healthy Gamer

“Right now, there is an antagonistic relationship between most parents & their kids around video gaming,” Dr. K says. “You think they need to cut back; they don’t think they have a problem. Then, as parents start to institute limits, children will try to undermine them. Even if you ‘win’ in this scenario, you lose.”It’s more helpful, he says, to establish a collaborative relationship.

1. Set Boys Up for School Success

“It’s really essential that we, as parents & educators of boys, are preparing them to navigate the struggles within school,” says Dr. Todd (Jason) Feltman, author of Transforming into a Powerful Third, Fourth, or 5th Grade Navigator of School Success.  “It’s not just the academic struggles but also the socialization, the physical and emotional struggles.”

A few of our other 2024 favorites:

Color Blindness in Boys

Circumcision: Facts & Myths

FBI: Sextortion Targets Boys

Navigating Youth Mental Health in the Digital Age

Emily Edlynn on A Healthier Approach to Tech

Dr. Niobe Way on Reimaging Boys

Uplifting Black Boys Benefits All Students

 

Sponsor Spotlight: IXL

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Gaming is a BIG part of boys’ lives today!

So, it’s no surprise that our March 14 conversation with Dr. K, How to Raise a Healthy Gamer, is our Listener Fav of 2024.

Dr. K (full name: Alok Kanojia) is a psychiatrist, dad, and life-long gamer. He knows video games and know what works. He also has deep compassion for gamers & their families. If you haven’t yet read his book, How to Raise a Healthy Gamer: End Power Struggles, Break Bad Screen Habits, and Transform Your Relationship with Your Kids, we highly recommend it!

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

How to Raise a Healthy Gamer: End Power Struggles, Break Bad Screen Habits, and Transform Your Relationship with Your Kids, by Alok Kanojia (aka Dr. K)

www.healthygamer.gg — Dr. K’s website

Why are Video Games So Important to Boys? — ON BOYS episode

The Evolution of Esports — ON BOYS episode

Video Game Addiction — ON BOYS episode

Emily Edlynn on a Healthier Approach to Tech — ON BOYS episode

The Link Between Freedom & Video Games — BuildingBoys blog post

Why Boys Play Video Games – BuildingBoys blog post

Sponsor Spotlight: IXL

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Sponsor Spotlight: Hello Fresh

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Sponsor Spotlight: Boys Are Great

Boy-affirming merch!

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How often do we really listen to boys & young men?

Not nearly often enough! There’s been a lot of chatter lately about boys & young men, masculinity, and the growing gender gap in politics – and very little public input from boys & young men themselves. In this episode, Jen & Janet talk with Lance Walker, a 26 yr old man from Utah. Like so many males his age, Lance has learned that boys’ and men’s perspectives aren’t always welcome. As he says, “We are never given license to speak.”

We encourage you to listen as he describes his experiences in school (including being started on ADHD medication in 3rd grade) and in the world.

Takeaways:

• Boys’ perspectives on masculinity are often overlooked.
• There is a stigma associated with boys expressing their feelings.
• Open dialogue about gender dynamics is essential.
• Boys need to be included in conversations about their experiences.
• Understanding the role of community in boys’ development is important.
• Boys often feel shame in expressing their struggles.
• The future of gender discussions requires sensitivity and awareness. The emotional journey of becoming a man is complex and often fraught with societal expectations.
• Shame and responsibility are significant themes in discussions about masculinity.
• Perceptions of men as threats can lead to feelings of fear and vulnerability.
• Boys are often seen as needing to fit into a rigid educational model that may not suit them.
• Cultural perspectives on masculinity can shape how boys view themselves and their roles in society.
• Dialogue and understanding are crucial in addressing the challenges faced by boys and young men.
• The importance of recognizing boys as human beings with their own experiences and emotions.
• Educational systems may need to adapt to better engage boys in learning.
• There is a need for more voices from young men in discussions about masculinity and societal expectations.
• The conversation around masculinity must include diverse perspectives to foster understanding and growth.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Lance’s Substack

ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude — ON BOYS episode

Talking to Tween & Teen Boys — ON BOYS episode

Sports & Masculinity — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: IXL

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Sponsor Spotlight: Hello Fresh

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Sponsor Spotlight: Boys Are Great

Boy-affirming merch!

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We gotta talk about male suicide and mental health.

If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, you can call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for help in the United States. Call 988 or 800-273-TALK (8255). The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is open 24 hours a day, every day. Services are also available en espanol.

More than 39,000 boys and young men die of suicide in the United States each year. The male suicide rate is 4 times that of females’ – and that fact isn’t widely known. Although there’s been a lot of discussion of the youth mental health crisis and suicidal ideation in recent years, few people are talking about the fact that most of those who die of suicide are boys and young men.

Anthony Tricarico  was one of them. He was a “beautiful shooting star,” a young entrepreneur who loved snowboarding and bought a Camaro at age 16. Anthony died by suicide earlier this year, at age 16 1/2. From the outside looking in, Anthony had it all: a loving family, lots of friends, great grades, talent, and personality. His death was a shock to the community, as people realized, “If this could happen to Anthony, it could happen to any of us,” said his father, Neal Tricarico. 

Takeaways:

• Autistic people/those on the autism spectrum are at increased risk of suicide
• COVID-19 has had a profound impact on youth mental health.
• There is often a disconnect between autism support and mental health services.
• Support systems for families in crisis are often lacking.
• Seasonal changes can significantly affect mental health.
• Parental control is limited; love does not guarantee safety.
• Community support can provide immense comfort during grief.
• The importance of love and connection transcends loss.
• Achievements do not equate to fulfillment in children.
• Open conversations about mental health are essential.
• Creating a movement can honor lost loved ones and raise awareness.
• Grief can lead to profound spiritual growth and connection.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

AnneMoss Rogers on Suicide Prevention & Struggling Teens — ON BOYS episode

Loving Someone With Suicidal Thoughts — ON BOYS episode

What You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide — ON BOYS episode

NAMI — National Alliance on Mental Illness (has support groups for parents!)

Suicide & Autism — a report from the UK

Neal's contact info:

Email: [email protected]

Instagram: @nealtricarico

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/neal.tricarico/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/nealtricarico/

Sponsor Spotlight: IXL

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Sponsor Spotlight: Hello Fresh

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Sponsor Spotlight: Boys Are Great

Boy-affirming merch!

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If you heard anything at all about the 2024 U.S. presidential election, you likely encountered the term "gender gap." 

More than half of female voters (53%) voted for Kamala Harris; more than half of male voters (also 55%) voted for Donald Trump. Among young voters, the gender gap was even more pronounced: 61% of women aged 18-29 voted for Harris, compared to 49% of males.

Societal and political gender gaps are widening in other countries as well. Mark Sutton, director of The Boys Initiative & author of How Democrats Can Win Back Men, joins us to explore the factors underlying the gender gap and ways we can help boys and men thrive alongside girls and women.

Takeaways:

• The gender gap in voting reflects deeper cultural divides.
• Men's issues are often overlooked in political discourse.
• Human well-being should be a shared goal across genders.
• Health disparities show men dying younger than women.
• Political parties need to address the needs of all voters.
• Support for women's health should not exclude men's health.
• There is a growing discontent with both major political parties.
• Unity among moderate voters can lead to positive change.
• The future of gender representation is evolving positively. Support for women in leadership is crucial.
• Local involvement in politics can make a difference.
• Cultural backlash can lead to divisive movements.
• Understanding different perspectives is essential.
• The male vote plays a significant role in elections.
• Engaging in conversations about gender is necessary.
• Listening to others can foster better understanding.
• Systemic issues affect boys and young men.
• Advocacy for children's needs is a nonpartisan issue.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Men & the 2024 Election -- Mark's Substack

How Democrats Can Win Back Men: Why Understanding Male Voters & Their Issues is Vital for Democratic Victory -- Mark's book

The Boys Initiative

 

Sponsor Spotlight: IXL

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Sponsor Spotlight: Hello Fresh

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 Sponsor Spotlight: Boys Are Great

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