Deconstructing Gaslighting™

Most of us have some sort of understanding of what trauma is.  And also, far too many of us understand betrayal… but did you know that there is this whole thing called betrayal trauma? For those who have experienced it, finding those two words together is a game changer. In today’s episode, Sarah and her guest will discuss how gaslighting is pretty much ALWAYS a part of the betrayal trauma experience.

Sarah is on mission to create a community – partially here, through this podcast, but also through a private, on-line community where there will be both a written forum AND live Q and A sessions with her.  It’s called Deconstructing Gaslighting Seekers Community, and she’d love for you to join.  Check out the details here.

Word of the day: Many people who have experienced betrayal in their intimate partnership don’t find the answers they need to understand what they’re feeling until they discover these two words:  Betrayal Trauma.  If someone close to you has ever broken your trust, you’ve likely felt the sting of betrayal. This pain can leave deep wounds.  Now while any type of betrayal can cause emotional distress, betrayal trauma happens when someone you depend on to respect your needs and generally help safeguard your well-being violates the trust you’ve placed in them. This type of betrayal can cause lasting trauma.  ALMOST ALWAYS, you will find gaslighting to be a main component of how the betrayal occurred. 

Storytime: Sarah and Kenna discuss the dual-betrayal Kenna experienced when her then husband had an affair with, and then left her for, her next-door neighbor and best friend. 

Deconstruction Zone: The main point today has to do with the tactic of inconsistency.  Inconsistency has numerous “flavors”, or ways it can be experienced.  It often depends on what other tactics it’s overlapping with… Kenna shared a variety of examples where her first husband would say something that was a criticism/put down, and then somehow twist it into it being how they were being helpful to her.  This is an example of inconsistency overlapping with double-speak.  This combo creates mind-games that can really undermine us.  There’s a huge difference between someone who has our back/loves us/cares about us and is what we call an “intimae ally”. 

Set Your Alarm: The double-speak/inconsistency duo is not even remotely about looking out for the other person – even IF the person says it is.  When we are trying to “help” another person, there really shouldn’t be ANY put-downs involved.  So, if you are experiencing this gaslighting tactic combo, I encourage you to slow down and give yourself permission to ask yourself a few questions:

1. Where did the put-down happen? 
2. How did this put-down make you feel?
3. Do you think there is ANY validity to the point?

• If so, then how would a loving ally bring the issue up to you?
• If not, then do I feel safe having a conversation with this person around how you do not see yourself this way, and to stop using put-downs to communicate their points. 
• If it’s not safe to have that type of conversation, then try to work on boundaries/limits with this person.

As always, if you would like to share your story on Sarah’s podcast, She’d love to have you!  Just click here! 

And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are! 

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to have a coaching session?  Or to get a gaslighting specialist take the situation you’re dealing with, unpack it for you in the moment, and help you identify that elusive, “Why does this keep happening?” or “Why can’t I seem to break the hold this has on me?”

Today Sarah has a brave soul who volunteered to share her story in a little bit of a different format… that is, Sarah basically does a coaching session with her, and you, dear listeners, get to listen in. 

Word of the day: Today’s word of the day is DISTORTION.  To distort something is to change it from its original, natural, or intended meaning, condition, or shape, especially in a negative way.  Distortion is a MAJOR tactic of gaslighting - typically a powerful one because things start out “true”, but when the distortion kicks in, we are thrown off… the ½ truths confuse and open the door for self-doubt to creep in. Distorting statements that are especially potent usually distort the facts in such a way that it plays on our values. 

Rachel’s story is the perfect example...

Storytime: Sarah and Rachel go through the circumstances that led to Rachel assimilating her gaslighter’s point a view; a view that led her to pretty much hate herself and beat herself up on the daily; a view steeped in shame.

• They discuss the way Rachel was betrayed, was the betrayer, and then the betrayed again – and while SHE did everything she could to make amends and repair the relationship, her gaslighter has held it over her head, while continuing to betray her, then using her betrayal to justify any and every hurtful thing he does.

Mini Deconstruction Zone:

• Main mind-fuck tactics:

1. Inconsistency – his particular flavor of inconsistency is to change the rules based on who’s playing!  He’s like a referee who calls more penalties on the team he’s not rooting for, and pretends like he doesn’t see flagrant fouls on “his” team.
2. Highlighting “flaws” – exaggeration of faults, projection, and cutting remarks
3. Ignoring reality
4. Changing reality – twisting statements/facts; minimizing his behaviors, and DISTORTION

Set Your Alarm: Sarah wraps up our time together with two tools… if we were in a “proper” coaching session, Sarah would likely give you these two things as “homework”:

1) Sort out distortion from truth – draw/print up a table with four columns:

• What happened/what was said – what would someone be able to record on their phone video?
• What are your thoughts and feelings about what happened/what was said?
• WHAT DO YOU KNOW TO BE TRUE? Make sure you’re coming from your p.o.v., not your gaslighter’s p.o.v. – give yourself time to sink into your knowing – if too foggy (gaslighting side effect) – bring it to your therapist, coach, or support group (like my Deconstructing Gaslighting Seekers group).  You’ll get there.
• What do you need to do, based on what you know to be true?

2) Mantra: I define me! (Main focus for today is you get to define your values)

So, dear listener, if you would like to share your story on my podcast, I’d love to have you!  Go here and click on the “contact” tab. 

And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!  And now I leave you with the anthem of this podcast: Not Today…

Does trying to name what IS and ISN’T gaslighting feel difficult and confusing? When you read the various definitions, and then try to apply it to your situation, do you feel lost or unsure of how to relate it back to your experience? In today’s episode, Sarah shares her definition of gaslighting, and points out a few key things that will help you have a better grasp on what gaslighting is, and when it’s happening.

At the time of this recording, Sarah just launched her new workshop.  If you are searching for more information like what she shares today, her FREE workshop has this information and more – AND, it’s accessible immediately via her three, pre-recorded videos.  Go here and click on the E1 Workshop tab to gain access.

Word of the day: GASLIGHTING!  Sarah explains why and how she came to her definition: when a person (or group of people), through covert behaviors, convinces another person that what they perceive, believe, think, or feel, is inaccurate or invalid.

Deconstruction Zone:

Main points

• Gaslighting is both a behavior that someone does and an experience that someone has. The behavior MUST be covert - that would include things like lying, manipulation, etc.), AND the experience that someone has must end up in them being convinced to discard their thoughts/feelings/beliefs/perceptions about something, and take on the other person’s thoughts/feelings/beliefs/perceptions as their own.
• Sarah shares an illustration about a client that has blond hair to demonstrate this principle, and the difference between a gaslighting experience and a gaslighting ATTEMPT.
• When gaslighting is happening, there is no room for more than ONE perspective/thought/belief/feeling.  The person who is doing the gaslighting behavior can’t or won’t hold space for any other perspective than theirs being the “right” one, and they will use COVERT means to get those in relationship with them to take on their perspective as their own. 
• Sarah illustrates this point, too, through a discussion about the weather over a zoom call.
• Sarah shared two common experiences that are mislabeled as gaslighting:
• Someone disagreeing with you or trying to convince you of something.  If there’s no covert behaviors – if there’s no manipulation, coercion, brainwashing, etc., then this is NOT gaslighting.
• So, to sum up, gaslighting is a when you add COVERT behaviors PLUS a person being convinced by those covert behaviors, to discard their truth and take on whatever the gaslighter is telling them to take on.
• Again – want to know more?  Check out Sarah’s workshop… want to MASTER this information?  Check out Sarah’s 12-week program!  

Let’s see how we can turn this into some tools as we set our alarm…

Set Your Alarm: Wondering if what you are experiencing is gaslighting – firstly, focus on where you have power – yourself.  Do you feel like you are losing connection to your knowing? Are you doubting the validity of your thoughts/feelings/beliefs/perceptions? Can you see where you’ve been convinced to change the way you think/feel/believe or perceive something?  Secondly, can you identify any covert behaviors (this is the trickier part – and again, why Sarah has her 12 week program)? Can you spot manipulation, lies or coercion (to name just a few)? 

Want to be a guest on Sarah’s podcast? Contact her here.

And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are! 

In Sarah’s first full episode, she shared with y’all the story of her journey to healing and becoming a gaslighting specialist.  Today, she wanted to share the story of her transformation; of stepping fully into her power and magic as she invites you to join her new community.

Click HERE to read more about the Deconstructing Gaslighting™ Seekers Community!

Today’s guests are Annie and Lauren, whom you met in Sarah’s first two, full length episodes.  These two amazing women were a part of her founding members program, and when Sarah first knew it was time to rebrand and relaunch some of her offerings, she KNEW these two magical humans needed to be a part of the party that would usher this new thing in. 

Word of the day: Transformation is defined as a complete change in the appearance or character of something or someone, especially so that that thing or person is improved.  Now, what most listeners will relate to is the transformation that is birthed from brokenness. 

Sarah read a quote from Glennon Doyle in 2016 from her Momastery blog: “You can be shattered and then you can put yourself back together piece by piece… but what can happen over time is this: You wake up one day and realize that you have put yourself back together completely differently”.

Story Time: Sarah, Lauren and Annie discuss the ins and outs of the things Sarah needed to work through to truly transform and step fully into alignment with her authentic self, power and magic!

Deconstruction Zone: Come back next week for your regularly scheduled programming.  😉

Set Your Alarm:  About a year ago, Sarah launched her Deconstructing Gaslighting 12-week coaching program and invited five women to be her Founding Members.  There was a beautiful, symbiotic experience that happened: seeing and experiencing the way the program that she had worked SO HARD on was absolutely transforming these women’s lives, she transformed, too.

These women allowed Sarah to see just how much power and magic she had, and they inspired her to continue to evolve in the work that she does.  It’s why she now knows that she is meant to coach people into places of clarity, confidence, being empowered, awake, and free – AND, she’s meant to blow shit up!  Like with this podcast – she was born to bring awareness and freedom to people. 

And so now, Sarah invites you to check out my her community that will be a place you can ask your questions and get answers from her – both in writing, AND in bi-weekly, LIVE Q and A’s with her.  Sarah would LOVE to take this community into something more interactive and connected!

Want to be a guest on podcast?  Submit your request here.

Remember– it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are! 

And today, more than ever, our anthem…

Do you ever feel like there’s an imbalance in your relationship… like you’re not able (or allowed) to show up in the way you want to? In today’s episode, Sarah deconstruct how the Mr. or Mrs. Perfect role can gaslight you into settling for less than you deserve.

At the time of this recording, Sarah’s about to launch a new format for her workshop that is going to make it so much more accessible!  Check it out at here website: here!

The guest today is Renee. 

Word of the day: Mutuality is defined as “having the same relationship to

each other; directed and received by each toward the other; reciprocal”.  When it comes to gaslighting, the LACK of mutuality is what we look for, and, almost always, how it is combined with the gaslighter being the victim/you being the one at fault for any lack of mutuality.  Renee’s story is a great example of how this presents itself in an intimate partnership… 

Story Time: Sarah and Renee discuss the conflicting messages that caused so much confusion, especially surrounding Renee’s partner NOT treating her as a partner:

Deconstruction Zone:

• Today Sarah highlighted one of the roles she teaches about – “Mr/Mrs. Perfect”.  Renee’s story highlights almost every checkmark Sarah teaches about this persona.  Mr./Mrs. Perfect can be hard to spot, but here are the ways Sarah connected Renee’s ex to this role:
• He used “love-bombing” (apartment; wouldn’t “allow” Renee to help; told her to focus on herself) to appear as if all he wanted to do was support her.
• He exhibited the “soft-spoken yet passive aggressive” behavior – 1) Using DARVO to make it seem like he was always the victim – she was suffocating him. 2) Whenever Renee would object to something, confront him on something, or ask for something he didn’t want to do/give he would respond with: he was the one who had doubts about the relationship or he would “punish” by withdrawing/silent treatment.
• He used what we call “therapy talk” to confuse Renee: 1) Had no responsibility in her happiness – she had to work on that for herself. 2) They had “childhood patterns” that they had to break (that’s why they had to break up).
• He seemed to jump between Mr. Perfect and The Bully, with his controlling, withholding, guilt tripping superior attitude – but he did it in a way that always painted him either as the Victim or in a good light (by using DARVO to put the blame on Renee).
• When you have this combo – especially when they are very successful and/or well liked in the community, it creates a deep sense of confusion: why does it seem like I am the only one experiencing them this way?  “There must be something wrong with me” is what we often end up thinking, and then believing.

Set your Alarm: When it comes to identifying Mr./Mrs. Perfect, the quickest way to unmask them is to set your alarm to the tune of “Mutuality”, because there almost never is any.  Oh sure, they’ll do lots of things that appear to be good, but when you take stock, it’s typically only the “good” things they want to do. 

Friends – mutuality is a WHOLE THING.  You are not asking for, nor expecting too much when you desire it – you get to require it of the people you are in relationship with.

Want to be a guest on podcast or have a question for Sarah?  Submit your request

here.

Remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!

Have you ever felt in your relationship like you go from, “I can do no wrong” to “I can’t do a damn thing right”?  There are a number of reasons why you may experience this.  In today’s episode, Sarah deconstructs how gaslighting plays a part in one such reason: the experience of “Hoovering”.

At the time of this recording, Sarah’s in the middle of launching some exciting new things.  She’d be pumped for you to check them out on my website, here.

Sarah’s guest today is Mary.  Mary is a graduate student on her way to earning a PhD in history.  She enjoys hiking, traveling, watching old movies, listening to vinyl records, and drinking beer. Mary lives in New Jersey with her wife Amber and cat Cricket Jo.

Word of the day: Hoovering is done when a person (typically a narcissist) thinks the victim/ person they abuse or control is seeking to move away; it’s an attempt to reclaim the sense of power and control by causing distress; if a source of supply pulls away or tries to go no contact, the narcissist may attempt to hoover (as in vacuum-suck) them back within his/her realm of control.  Gaslighting behaviors are almost always a part of this dynamic. One way we can see this played out is in a family of origin context where there’s fluctuation between being treated as “The Golden Child” and the “Scapegoat”.  Mary’s story in a clear and profound example of this dynamic.

Storytime: Sarah and Mary discuss the details of Mary’s relationship with her narcissistic mother, and dig deep into the dynamic of the extreme fluctuation between golden child and scapegoat Mary experienced.  

• How Mary’s Mom called herself a “Prophet”, and how this set her up to be unable to be challenged.
• How Mary went from “the child of promise; god’s little lamb” to “the messed-up child who needed saving, and only her mom could help her” once she graduated high school.
• Mary shared her experience of extreme control as a young 20-something – from her bedtime to the things she ate, all because she was a part of the “Green Beret Christian Training Program”.
• What helped Mary finally be able to break free.

Deconstruction Zone:

• Sarah deconstructs the main points around love-bombing, undermining, coercion, and mind games.
• Sarah shows Mary some things to look out for moving forward, and validates how in Mary’s extreme situation, mastering the skills used in the Negotiation Trap was a survival skill! (That no longer serve her).

Set Your Alarm: If you can relate to today’s topic, here are three things in setting your alarm: 1) Reach out to a safe friend, helping professional (therapist/coach/layperson) , or even a domestic violence center.  2) Start keeping track of things – safely… keep track of conversations, and keep track of WHEN the different messages are being said.  3) This one will be hard, but start trying to ask yourself, “If I were free to be me, I’d (want this, feel this, ask for this, not allow this, do this differently) – give yourself permission to not act on what you discover right away – you’re just being curious and trying to reconnect to yourself. 

Want to be a guest on podcast?  Submit your request here.

Remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are! 

Have you ever found yourself questioning the ideas, opinions, or beliefs of those around you - whether that be your family, your church, your community, or even society at large – but not feel it’s OKAY to question them?  In today’s episode, Sarah deconstructs how that could be due to gaslighting. 

Our guest today is the Queen of Intimacy, Jenni Rochelle! (jennirochelle.com; Instagram: @thejennirochelle; Beauty After Betrayal podcast)

Word of the day: Indoctrinate: Falls under the umbrella of brainwashing, but different in that with indoctrination, the situations revolve around groups as opposed to 1:1.  Here’s the definition: to teach (someone) to fully accept the ideas, opinions, and beliefs of a particular group and to not consider other ideas, opinions, and beliefs.  When deconstructing, Sarah pulls apart things that almost always overlap – think of H2O, or water.  Two parts hydrogen, one part water.  The gaslighting we experience in the religious, cultural, and societal constructs are like H2O – but it would be I2C: two parts indoctrinate, one part coercion.  Basically, to be loved, approved, and accepted (or “worthy”/wanted), you have to align your ideas, opinions, and beliefs to theirs.  Today, Sarah and Jenni explore the ways they experienced this revolving around the topic of sex.

So, trigger warning….

Storytime:

• Sarah and Jenni talk about the ways they experienced gaslighting around sex – messages they were directly/indirectly told as they were growing up that led to these main beliefs: sex is not okay; sex is shameful. 
• They further discussed the nuances of gaslighting around FEMINE sexuality, and the direct/indirect messages that led to these main beliefs: women aren’t supposed to like sex; women give pleasure, we don’t receive pleasure; women should be responsive - they shouldn’t be initiators/we should wait.

Deconstruction Zone:

• Grandmother/religion/culture/society = collective gaslighter. 
• Through patriarchal and puritanical messages, the validity of questioning things was challenged
• Brainwashing/indoctrinated: there was only one “right” way to enjoy sex + the distortion that even just having curiosity was “sinful”; sinful = unacceptable = threat to the attachment (exclusion).
• Desire to be loved/accepted/included/wanted by others + the gaslighting = conflict between self-love and getting the love of others. 
• Fell into explanation trap/negotiation trap… sacrificed truth/voice needs because the blame Jenni took on for the gap between what was being “taught” to her and what she felt in her knowing.
• WAY easier to do than take on a whole-ass construct!
• Repetition of this sacrificing = Jenni to become disconnected from self = unable to express own feelings/needs/perception (sexually repressed)

Set Your Alarm: Jenni shared her tip of “Going slow is your super-power” – getting curious and ASKING the questions where you think/feel something different.  To get clear about sexual things, specifically, work on getting in touch with your body; pay attention to the expansion/contraction.

Set the snooze: Regarding the Explanation trap – pay attention to when the explanation does NOT bring relief/understanding, but rather causes more confusion, anxiety, and fear.

Remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are! 

Have a question you'd like Sarah to answer? Submit questions here

Want to share your experience on the podcast with Sarah? Request to be on podcast here

Did you know that we can unknowingly gaslight OURSELVES?  Why do we do that?  How might that show up in our lives?  In today’s episode, Sarah and her guest will deconstruct one of the ways people gaslight themselves, as we talk about an example from her life.

If you’re learning from the things Sarah is doing in this podcast, Sarah would like to invite you to attend her FREE workshop.  Find out more details, like when the next workshop will be, on her website here.

The guest today is the AMAZING MJ DENIS!

Word of the day: CATASTOPHIZE - According to the APS dictionary of psychology, to catastrophize is: to exaggerate the negative consequences of events or decisions. People are said to be catastrophizing when they think that the worst possible outcome will occur from a particular action or in a particular situation or when they feel as if they are in the midst of a catastrophe in situations that may be serious and upsetting but are not necessarily disastrous.

Story Time: Sarah and MJ discuss how catastrophizing, though being a normal, human way of expressing our anxiety, is something that falls into self-gaslighting.

• MJ gives a few examples of how it sounds, including the moment she knew she wasn’t “okay” during her post-partum depression.
• They talk about how it’s distorting our own reality, and how this pulls us out of alignment and our of our power.

 Deconstruction Zone: There are a number of ways and reasons a person may gaslight themselves.

• Catastrophizing falls under Changing Reality.  When we do this to ourselves, we are unknowingly distorting the facts (cognitive distortion) of things we either HAVE experienced, or MAY experience. 
• This is a negative distortion – either in the way of how people will view us, or the “danger/harm” we may experience.
• Main reason why people unknowingly do this: Survival/Trauma response: our brain’s job is to protect us/assess for potential hurt/harm… ongoing trauma can exacerbate this or cause this function of our brain to work on over-drive. 
• “Situation” = FEAR of rejection/some sort of punishment or retaliation = if I can predict the hurt/harm, I might be able to avoid it = we “forecast” worst case scenario, and we think we can protect ourselves.  
• ***Is actually DISempowering, bc we can’t use the right tool(s) we may need.

Set Your Alarm: UHH Scale – Uncomfortable/Hurt/Harm – we can use this scale a few ways; for catastrophizing: 1) What is the situation?  – notice any vagueness – get specific. 2) What am I “making up” is happening/will happen (energy of understanding my brain will fill in any gaps)? 3) Get curious – am I exaggerating anything? Am I distorting the facts anywhere? 4) Where on the UHH scale would this fall?

Remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are! 

Have a question you'd like Sarah to answer? Submit questions here

Want to share your experience on the podcast with Sarah? Request to be on her podcast here

Have you ever found yourself playing the “If/then” game?  Like, “If I could only (do this better), then they wouldn’t get so upset with me”?  That can be due to experiencing gaslighting, and Sarah is here to deconstruct that for you so that you don’t fall into it anymore!

If you’re listening for the first time, Sarah works with people in a variety of ways to understand gaslighting, shift the power, and heal from the effects gaslighting has had on them.  If you’d like to learn more, please visit her website here.

Word of the day: Concession: the act of conceding or yielding, as a right, a privilege, or a point or fact in an argument; something allowed or given up, often in order to end a disagreement.  One of Sarah’s biggest passions is to help people awaken to how they are making concessions in their lives and relationships.  Jeannie’s story is the perfect example of how this sounds, AND plays out in our lives…

Storytime: Sarah and Jeannie discuss the recurring experience with Jeannie’s ex-boyfriend, where she was told to make choices, but when she did, she experienced a variety of gaslighting behaviors that were basically consequences (unless her choice was the same one her ex wanted, too).

• They talked about the role of the “non-choice choice”, or what ended up being a mirage of having choice… Jeannie’s ex only made it LOOK like she had a choice, but she didn’t. 
• They talk about the role of making concessions in their dynamic; how she would sacrifice her needs/safety in order to benefit him/his needs.

Deconstruction Zone:

• The main point: the Ex’s end game; It jumped out at Sarah when she read Jeannie’s words: “I quickly learned that he wanted to know what I wanted, as long as that was what he wanted too.”
• Predominant gaslighting pattern:
• Mind games: make it look like he gave Jeannie a choice > only okay when it’s what he also wanted; when not what he wanted – “dealer’s choice” (including combinations of the following):
• Exaggerate his wounds, highlight her “flaws”, refuse to accept answers, give in and then be resentful/find something to be upset about and then blame her (DARVO).
• All = undermine, break down and control
• Combined with coercion
• Effect = Break down of independence = “conditioned”
• The combination of Jeannie trying to see things from other’s perspective + seeing/doing the work of trying to anticipate/meet needs/balance his moods filters into the Empathy and Negotiation traps… put these two together, and it’s the perfect recipe for making concessions: “they feel this way because ____, and IF I can _____, then ______ (Negotiation). 

Set Your Alarm: Two things to pay attention to:

1. Concession vs compromise
2. Pause vs discard

Remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are! 

Have a question you'd like Sarah to answer? Submit questions here

Want to share your experience on the podcast with Sarah? Request to be on podcast here

Narcissism. Manipulation. Toxic behavior. Dark Triad. Gaslighting… all buzz words – do you ever wonder if there’s a difference, and if so, what IS the difference?  In today’s episode Sarah deconstruct her guest, Nicole’s FOO in a way that will address these questions. 

If you’d like to learn more about these types of things, you are invited to attend Sarah’s FREE workshop. Read all about when the next one starts and get the details here. 

Word of the day: TOXIC, as in toxic person/relationship. Definition per webmd: anyone whose behavior adds negativity and upset to your life. When it comes to gaslighting, the KEY is recognizing and understanding the impact a person’s toxic behaviors has on you. Per my definition of gaslighting, your thoughts/feelings/perceptions are CHANGED due to the other person influence. In other words, it's possible for someone to exhibit toxic behaviors to end up gaslighting us, AND, it’s possible for someone’s toxic behaviors to NOT gaslight us. 

Story Time: Sarah and Nicole talk about the pigeon-holing Nicole and her sister experienced as children, and the impact that had on how she saw herself (the limiting beliefs she carried into adulthood). They then contrast that with toxic behavior Nicole has experienced, over and over, around family holidays – and  yet, in THESE situations, Nicole was NOT gaslit.

• Sarah and Nicole discuss the key differences, including the difference between having emotional responses to toxic behaviors vs being gaslit (altering thoughts/feelings/beliefs/action) by toxic behaviors.

Deconstruction Zone:

• The pigeonholing Nicole’s mom did can be broken down into this pattern of gaslighting:
• Combination of coercion and brainwashing:
• She defined WHO Nicole was (what she was good at, etc) = changing/ignoring of reality + minimizing/trivializing of talents that fit outside of her description of Nicole
• Coercion (ZERO intent/awareness) + reinforcing messages (aka brainwashing) by rewarding when she “performed” according to what pleased her. 
• Over time, we don’t just do this to get love, we assimilate these expectations/definitions of ourselves.
• Nicole was “vulnerable” to gaslighting = the parent/child dynamic, when the parent has toxic behaviors/patterns, it can turn normal/natural/HUMAN desires into vulnerabilities for being gaslit: desire to believe/trust the person + desire to be seen/understood, and experience approval from the person + desire to be loved by the person…
• Without emotional maturity, self-awareness, and connection to our knowing, makes us vulnerable to unknowingly allowing ourselves to be defined by other people.

Set Your Alarm: Be mindful of when the desire to understand ALLLL the things becomes all-consuming.  You don’t have to read every article on all the buzz words.  While it can be helpful, the MOST helpful thing is to sink inward –asking yourself how you FEEL in the relationship is the truest truth you can find.  So today’s tip is to strive for balance in your search for understanding between what is happening outside of you, and what is happening INSIDE of you, with tipping the scale, ALWAYS, in favor of sinking in to your knowing. 

Remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are! 

Have a question for Sarah, or want to share your experience on the podcast? Click here