Deconstructing Gaslighting™

Are all people who gaslight also narcissists? Have you ever wondered if it’s not that one-dimensional?  In today’s episode, Sarah deconstructs her guest’s experience in a way that will help answer these questions.

My guest today is Cat Etherington. Cat is a certified professional life coach and integrative counselling practitioner. She currently serves as Director of Recovery for Naked Truth Project, an international nonprofit offering support to individuals and couples impacted by problematic sexual behaviors.

Word of the day: SCALE, as in “Behavioral Observation Scale”. In Sarah’s work with the topic of gaslighting, she saw that there was a WIDE variety of gaslighting experiences. Most importantly the level of the gaslighter’s awareness and the different “motives” for resorting to gaslighting behaviors. So, she created her “Scale of Gaslighting as a Behavior”. We all are familiar with the Charles Boyer/”The narcissist” end of the scale; in Cat’s story, you’ll get a REALLY clear picture of the other side of the scale – and, how EVEN when someone is unaware that they are gaslighting, the impact can STILL be traumatic and damaging. (Want to get an in-depth understanding of my scale? Sign up for my workshop here!)

Story Time: Sarah and Cat discuss what could be considered “low-level” gaslighting by Cat’s dad throughout her childhood:

• Revealed the culprit of Cat’s story: when any negative emotion was expressed, her dad would say, “Don’t be silly…”.

Deconstruction Zone:

• The main aspect is the roles – when someone holds a role of authority or love (or, in this case, both), it’s normal/natural/human to TRUST them. As a child, Cat looked to her dad for the information on how to live life – how to navigate relationships, etc. 
• Role + “risk” of wanting to trust + desire to be good enough/loved by your parent = Cat vulnerable to unknowingly allowing her dad to define for her how to live/feel/behave, etc.
• Combine this with the gaslighting Cat’s dad did = her to see parts of herself as negative (even unwelcome) = she stuffed that part.  She got sucked into the negotiation trap: “If I can not be “a silly girl”, then I will be loved.”
• Cat’s dad’s statement of “Don’t be a silly girl” was a minimizing statement of her feelings that carried a negative connotation. While he was unaware of what he was doing, he basically brainwashed Cat into believing that being silly was “bad”, and that certain feelings were silly = certain feelings were bad.

Set Your Alarm: Understanding that gaslighting behaviors are on a scale allows us to approach it with a different energy – that is, with curiosity rather than fear. To live awake and free, Sarah’s tip today is these three things that can help you do this:

1. Get safe – make sure you are in a safe place – even better, with safe people.
2. Get grounded – do some rectangular breathing, body tapping, meditate, whatever gets you grounded in the present moment (where you are safe).
3. Give yourself permission to not have to make a decision right now about whatever you discover as you get curious – detach from the outcome of what you find.

Remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are! 

Have a question you'd like Sarah to answer? Submit questions here

Want to share your experience on the podcast with Sarah? Request to be on podcast here

Have you ever had someone just completely ignore you, or cut off communication with you, for seemingly no reason?  And when that happened, were you like today’s guest, Haley – did you ask yourself what YOU did wrong to cause that response?  Today Sarah unpacks the pattern of Haley’s relationship with her ex to explain why we often put up with this type of behavior for FAR TOO LONG! 

If you’re ready to deconstruct the gaslighting in your life so that you can live awake and free, Sarah wants to teach you how.  Check out her “Deconstructing Gaslighting” programs here!   

Word of the day: As a gaslighting tactic, inconsistency can show up in a variety of ways; the main thing we want to look for is THE PATTERN of inconsistency and then pay attention to what happens in our minds and hearts as a result of the inconsistency. Haley’s story highlights this so potently…

Story Time: Sarah and Hayley talk about the pattern of some (usually unknown) event being a catalyst for her then boyfriend to either just up and ghost her, or criticize and blame her, and then ghost her.  After a period of time, he would reappear in her life, and justify his ghosting with some victim-y story, typically combined with a non-apology apology, and THEN he would love-bomb her to draw her back in.  They talked about the self-gaslighting and self-abandonment this eventually happened for Haley, and, how she found peace.

Deconstruction Zone:

• The pattern of behaviors from Haley’s ex, and how they “hooked” her:
• Ignoring reality – not answering texts, not letting Haley know what was bothering him, etc. WHICH IS A POWER PLAY.
• Whenever it pleased him, he would come back and exaggerate his wounds, painting himself as a victim.
• AND THEN… the love-bombing to lure Haley back in/forgive. 
• WASH AND REPEAT.
• Inconsistency + coercion = Haley suffering from mind games.
• Haley’s desire to keep the relationship going + desire to fix things/make them come out well = losing connection to her knowing/perception. Combined with her ex’s gaslighting, this led to self-gaslighting in the form of questioning/blaming herself, as well as something we call “false hope”. 

Set Your Alarm: Look for inconsistency: 1) When a person’s word, actions, and energy don’t line up.  2) When they say one thing one day, and something completely opposite on another day.  Now – people are allowed to change their minds… we’re talking about when people change what they’re saying in such a way that you can NEVER do it right. This is not about them changing their mind – this is a power play, and a way to keep you in a place of confusion, which, ultimately, makes you easier to influence/control.  IF you think this is happening in your relationship, start tracking it.  Look to see if there is a pattern. 

Closing: And thank you, my listener, for listening to today’s episode.  If you found it helpful, please leave a review and subscribe, and if you think others would benefit from it, please share it.  And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!  And now I leave you with the anthem of this podcast: Not Today…

Have a question you'd like Sarah to answer? Submit questions here

Want to share your experience on the podcast with Sarah? Request to be on podcast here

“How do I heal from gaslighting?” In today’s episode, Sarah and her guest Emily talk about the journey of connecting with her knowing, and how that translates to being able to stand her ground in the face of a gaslighting attempt. 

Do you want to learn how to stand your ground, too? Check out the 12-week program Sarah created specifically for this reason! (There’s also an option for a 1:1 package, too).

Word of the day: KNOWING – Sarah read an excerpt from Glennon Doyle’s book: Untamed.

Story time: Sarah and Emily talk about her “Day Before Thanksgiving Story” experience with the man in the parking lot, who almost backed up into her, then tried to intimidate and bully her!

• Emily shared the aggressive/intimidating things he did; how she was able to stay in her knowing, AND, yet, how a trauma response was still something she experienced.
• Sarah talked about the reasons why recognizing these types of “minor” gaslighting incidents are important: We need to understand how pervasive gaslighting behaviors are. 
• Emily and Sarah talked about the fact that while Emily’s response here was an empowered one – it was one that came YEARS after she learned about and began working on healing from gaslighting. 
• They went back to the “Old Emily” and shared how different her response to this situation would have been.
• Sarah and Emily talked about how different it is now, and how out of alignment a response like that would be, now.  This is when Emily emphasized that point by saying how she’s “A spicy tamale – you can’t gaslight me!”

Deconstruction Zone:

• What stood out to Sarah was how this person stepped into the role of THE BULLY.
• He used both non-verbal and verbal intimidation; changed reality by distorting the facts and exaggerating about Emily’s behaviors; ignored reality by refusing to accept facts contrary to his feelings/thoughts.; he undermined by being condescending, disrespectful, and using cutting remarks.
• This COULD have led to mind games and ultimately to someone losing connection to what they knew to be true.  Even though that DIDN’T happen, Sarah created “Old Emily’s” flow-chart:
• Didn’t really see who she is; not fully in her “knowing”, had not fully embraced her power.
• Creates an energy/“base-line” of self-doubt, which leads to being uncomfortable with disagreement and having a hard time acknowledging when someone was treating her badly.
• This led Old Emily to take on self-blame and focus on keeping the peace.
• Emily and Sarah discussed what it takes, and what it feels like, to connect with our knowing. 

Set Your Alarm:  Set an intention to “grow your knowing”; give yourself permission to “check in with yourself”; and don’t forget: growing your knowing is like shopping for jeans. 

Closing: Thank you for listening to today’s episode.  If you liked it, please leave a review and subscribe, and if you think others would benefit from it, please share it.  And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!  And now I leave you with the anthem of this podcast: Not Today…

Have a question you'd like Sarah to answer? Submit questions here

Want to share your experience on the podcast with Sarah? Request to be on podcast here

Have you ever said, “I used to be (so confident; more fun; more relaxed, etc)?”. In today’s episode, Sarah deconstructs how the gaslighting tactic of UNDERMINING is often the culprit for this experience as she unpacks the main dynamics in her guest Kayla’s relationship with her ex. 

Word of the day: Undermine – when it comes to gaslighting, undermining is a technique often used to cause the other person to lose connection with and trust in themselves.  When we no longer know who we are, there’s no way we can trust ourselves; and if we can’t trust ourselves, we become more and more vulnerable to other people defining for us who we are, and how we should live. 

Want to know if you’re experiencing gaslighting?  Check out my free self-assessment here!

Story Time: Sarah and Kayla discuss the numerous ways her ex gaslit her into becoming a smaller and smaller version of herself. 

• How Kayla went from being single, thriving, and knowing what she wanted from an intimate partner, to feeling a mere shadow of her former self.
• When the relationship first started with her ex, everything was almost perfect, but then the “Honeymoon” phase ended abruptly about four months into the relationship. 
• How Kayla’s search for answers led her to attachment theories, to learning about narcissism, to, eventually, gaslighting.
• How Kayla “began a crusade” focusing only on his needs and ignoring all of her needs.
• Sarah and Kayla discussed the main areas of gaslighting Kayla endured; about her darkest days towards the end of that relationship, and where she is today.

Deconstruction Zone:

• Sarah focused on what stood out to her – CHALLENGING THE VALIDITY OF YOUR FEELINGS, NEEDS, DESIRES, ETC.
• Sarah highlighted:
• Brainwashing & Mind Games
• Through HIGHLIGHTING FLAWS & UNDERMINING
• Sounds like: focusing on your faults & exaggerating them; “You’re too needy; you’re insecure; you need to work on yourself, etc.”
• ***He was especially insidious because he was insulting/critical about things that were Kayla’s insecurities AND strengths & accomplishments.
• Kayla’s empathy = disregard own needs and feelings
• Desire to “fix” it (Kayla’s “competitiveness”) exemplified the explanation trap = self-gaslight/take on blame.
• Negotiation trap – “If I could be better; I need to work on myself to be better for us.”

Set Your Alarm: When it comes to undermining, pay special attention to two things we saw in Kayla’s story: 1) Criticism or insults in areas you typically feel confident in; 2) Using withdrawal/silent treatment when you do something the other person doesn’t like OR you won’t do something they want you to do.  In a healthy relationship, the other person celebrates your strengths and is your biggest fan; they want to see you thriving. They also listen to you, respect you, and validate you when you want something other than what they want.

Thank you for listening to today’s episode.  If you liked it, please leave a review and subscribe, and if you think others would benefit from it, please share it.  And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are! 

Have a question you'd like Sarah to answer? Submit questions here

Want to share your experience on the podcast with Sarah? Request to be on podcast here

Have you ever felt like you’re the one to blame for all the problems in the relationship?  Why is that?  What is that called?

In today’s episode, Sarah deconstructs a gaslighting experience, highlighting the D.A.R.V.O. method.  Join Sarah and her guest, Lauren, as they talk about Lauren’s relationship with her ex.  They’ll get specific about a trip to the mountains, and how that epitomized so many gaslighting experiences in Lauren’s relationship with her ex.  .

Word of the day: D.A.R.V.O., which stands for defend/deny, attack, reverse victim offender.  The main point here being VICTIM.  Many people who do gaslighting behaviors are never to blame for their behaviors, choices, or even feelings – it’s your fault, their mom’s fault, heck – even the dog’s fault – but NEVER theirs. 

Story time: Sarah and Lauren talk about Lauren’s relationship with her ex-husband of six years, and some of the components of the gaslighting experiences she had:

• He would say that if only she would do x, y, or z, then maybe he could find a way to feel that way about her again.  So she would do x, y, *and* z and it wouldn’t work.
• This is where we started talking about “The Dangling Carrot”!

 Deconstruction Zone:

• Gaslighter’s behavior: Used D.A.R.V.O. to avoid taking responsibility
• Flowchart:
• Undermining, coercion, overstating his needs + minimizing her attempts to love, belittling, punishing by withdrawing/silent treatment, and putting the responsibility on her to “fix it”.
• Diversion, ignoring reality/ignoring her requests, “highlighting flaws”, and invalidating her needs and feelings.
• Gaslightee’s flowchart:
• Explanation & Negotiation traps – hard time acknowledging being treating badly & self-blame = I can “fix” it.

Set your alarm: Look out for DARVO.  Biggest key is imbalance – if the other person is pretty much NEVER taking responsibility for things/someone else is always to blame; they paint themselves as victim (joke about chalk); and especially if YOU are the one that is always at fault, whatever the reason may be.  Slow down, check in with yourself – get curious.

Closing: Thank you for listening to today’s podcast.  If you liked it, please leave a review and subscribe, and if you think others would benefit from it, please share it.  And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are! 

And once again, I leave you with the anthem of this podcast: Not Today…

Visit Sarah's website to download her FREE guide: How to handle a gaslighting experience when you see one and/or Assessment here

Have a question you'd like Sarah to answer? Submit questions here

Want to be on the podcast and have Sarah deconstruct your gaslighting experience? Request to be on podcast here

In this episode, Sarah shares her passion for this podcast, the meaning and significance behind the concept of “Deconstructing”, AND WHY is it a crucial part of getting free and healing from gaslighting. 

Listen in as Sarah and her guest, Lauren, talk about Lauren’s experiences of Deconstructing Gaslighting, and how it can be helpful in transforming your life.  You’ll smile as you hear Lauren’s giggles throughout, raise a “ME TOO”, as Lauren talks about how gaslighting caused debilitating anxiety, and shout out a “YES QUEEN”, as we talk about how identifying the self-gaslighting allows us to re-write the narrative.  Lauren is a registered nurse, wife, mom, fiery Aries, passionate feminist, and all-around badass! 

Word of the day: Deconstruct - to break something down into its separate parts in order to understand its meaning, especially when this is different from how it was previously understood.

Story time: Why (and what is) Deconstructing?

Why as a podcast?

#1 – Validation, shame reduction, solidarity and community

#2 – To empower/educate by giving names to things

Why “Deconstructing”?

• Sarah flies her nerd flag proud as takes you back to her love of chemistry in 9th grade, and how her love of the science lab taught her that the more we are familiar with something, the more we can recognize it in different forms/surroundings/circumstances. 
• Sarah works with gaslighting the same way: gaslighting can show up different ways, with different people, in different situations. 

 What is Deconstructing Gaslighting?

• In Sarah’s (free) workshop, she explains how there are two components to a gaslighting experience – what the gaslighter is doing, and what happens inside the person being gaslit.
• In her work, she has taken both components and looked at all the moving parts.
• The things she will talk about in this podcast are: 1) The gaslighter’s level of awareness, agenda/reason they may be gaslighting, methods, techniques, tactics, common phrases used and the roles someone may step into. 2) The stages of a gaslighting relationship (per Dr. Robin Stern) and two things about the gaslightee - risks/vulnerabilities, and the traps.
• In this podcast, we won’t do a deep dive, but I’ll name things from these categories, so that you can begin to understand them somewhat. (If you’re interested in doing the deep-dive, check out my 12-week program here).

Set your alarm: Embrace (your) Awakening.  Embrace the process – commit to YOURSELF. 

Closing: Thank you for listening!  If you liked it, please leave a review and subscribe, and if you think others would benefit from it, please share it.  And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!

Visit Sarah's website to download her FREE guide and/or Assessment here

Have a question you'd like Sarah to answer? Submit questions here

Want to be on the podcast and have Sarah deconstruct your gaslighting experience? Request to be on podcast here

In this episode, Sarah introduces herself by sharing her experiences throughout her friendship, courtship, and 19 year marriage to her ex-husband (Where she got her "street cred" to become a gaslighting specialist). She shares some of the stories of how she experienced gaslighting, the "red flags" she didn't understand, and how she views them now - after studying gaslighting for the past nine years.

Listen in, as she and her friend Annie have an intimate, raw, sassy, and inspiring conversation as Sarah shares about her journey, and Annie asks questions as a proxy for you, the listener.

Word of the day: Gaslighting - when a person (or group of people), through covert behaviors, convinces another person that what they think, feel, believe or perceive is inaccurate or invalid (Sarah's definition).

Visit Sarah's website to download her Free Guide and/or Assessment here

Have a questions you'd like Sarah to answer? Submit questions here

Want to be on the podcast and have Sarah deconstruct your gaslighting experience? Request to be on podcast here

Our Anthem: Not Today, by Wendy Child

We got stars in our eyes like diamonds

We got heart and the fuel to light it… yeah we burn it up

We got all the magic

Shout out if ya have it

Yeah we go with the flow like riptides

Take a walk if you’re not on our side..

Yeah we’re dangerous

You’re not gonna throw me

Always got my home team

Ooo….you’re tryna make me lose my mind

Ooo....

Not Today, oh!

We got our own mojo

You’re not gonna stop us

Don’t get in our way

Not Today, oh!

We're Aficionados

Can’t take that away

Oh no not today

Yeah we light up the night with our glow

And we know that our vibe is in vogue

Don’t be envious

We got all the magic

Shout out if ya have it

Ooo….you wanna try to drag me down

Ooo....

Not Today, oh!

We got our own mojo

You’re not gonna stop us

Don’t get in our way

Not Today, oh!

We're Aficionados

Can’t take that away

Oh no not today

We spend all our time, on the grind…hey

It’s all on the line, we’re on fire...hey

Stick it to the man, we got plans…hey

We will take a stand, cause we can...

Not Today, oh!

We're Aficionados

Can’t take that away

Oh no, oh no!

Not Today, oh!

We got our own mojo

You’re not gonna stop us

Don’t get in our way

Not Today, oh!

We're Aficionados

Can’t take that away

Oh no not today

No, not today

Ooo, no not today

Can’t take that away

Oh no, not today

Oh no not today

Introducing Deconstructing Gaslighting, the podcast, where people share their stories about gaslighting, and I deconstruct it to show how and why it was gaslighting. I'm your host, Sarah Morales. I’m a relationship coach and gaslighting specialist; but even more than that – I’ve been where you are, and I’m here to cultivate a place for you to begin to find answers...

If you’re where I was 10 years ago, then you’re looking for answers; looking for relief from things like confusion, anxiety, doubt, fear.  You’re also looking for hope – ESPECAILLY the hope that comes from seeing someone who has been through the same type of hell you are going through emerge on the other side. 

It’s my mission and passion to make recognizing and understanding gaslighting easier.  This podcast is the result of my life’s work over the past decade, and I can’t wait to share it with you.  On Deconstructing Gaslighting, my guests and I will do two of the most important things needed to heal from the effects of gaslighting and emerge on the other side – that is, to emerge confident, free, and awake: First, we will share our real-life stories so that you can see yourself in others and not feel so alone.  Then, we will help you find names for the things you are experiencing, but don’t have the words for. 

Each week, my guest’s real-life examples of gaslighting will make you laugh, cry, perhaps say a cuss word or two, and help you find a community unlike any other.  We will also share tools that will most assuredly have you leaving the episode with some new awareness or application for YOUR life.

New episodes air every Tuesday, 12 pm EST, and available for free on any app that supports podcasts. 

You are invited.

And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are.