Feeling lonely in a relationship even a good one? This is one of the most common things I hear in therapy, and one of the hardest feelings to name.

You're in a relationship with someone you love. Nothing dramatic is wrong, there's no big fight, no obvious reason and most of the time you feel lonely. That's the Ask Marie question this episode answers, and it's one of the most common things I hear across both individual and couples therapy. In this episode I talk about what relational loneliness actually is, how it develops, why it's so hard to name, and what to do with it.

What this episode covers

• What it means to feel lonely in the presence of someone who loves you, and why it's more common than most people feel permitted to say out loud
• The difference between being alone and feeling lonely, and why relational loneliness is often more painful
• How loneliness in a relationship develops gradually through small missed moments of connection rather than one dramatic event
• The Gottman concepts of turning towards and turning away, and how missed bids for connection accumulate over time
• How conflict style contributes to loneliness: when sharing something doesn't land well, we quietly stop sharing
• Why this feeling is so hard to name: guilt, fear of seeming ungrateful, and not feeling entitled to the emotion
• The headache metaphor: loneliness as a symptom that signals something underneath needs attention
• How to start the conversation with your partner without it turning into a fight
• What to do when every attempt to raise it gets shut down
• Why loneliness in a relationship is information, not a verdict

Timestamps

4:00 What relational loneliness actually is

12:30 Conflict style and disconnection

22:00 How to start the conversation

28:00 When to get outside support

30:00 Loneliness is information, not a verdict

Resources and Links

• Relationship Reset course: This is where to start if this episode resonated.
• Free Conflict Workbook
• Related episode: Drifting Apart in a Relationship
• Related episode: Bids for connection

Keep the Conversation Going

Got a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through and it might become an Ask Marie episode: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

Instagram: @marievakakis

Website: marievakakis.com.au