This Complex Life

Everything in your life looks good on paper, so why don't you feel good? The study's going well, the job's stable, and your calendar's full. You can explain exactly where your stress comes from and what sets it off, yet actually feeling it is a different story.

This week I'm joined by psychologist Edy Xie to talk about high achievers who are functioning but not well, why understanding a problem isn't the same as feeling it, and what that looks like when you're struggling to say no.

• How Edy found his way into psychology after biomed, a love of cooking, and a quarter-life crisis
• Growing up in a migrant family where mental health wasn't talked about, and the stigma that kept him from getting support sooner
• Why it's worth trying again if your first therapist or first session didn't click
• Why progress in therapy is often slower than people expect, and the tennis metaphor Edy uses to explain it
• Why insightful people can explain their problems perfectly but get stuck when asked how they feel
• Trying to fix an emotion like it's a logic problem
• Working with high-achieving young people who look like they're thriving but feel anxious, self-critical, burnt out, and lonely
• What happens when someone finally checks in on the capable one
• Perfectionism, the 95% finished assignment and a few therapy bloopers
• Why Edy doesn't try to get rid of perfectionism, and how curiosity helps instead
• What ISTDP (intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy) is and how it works
• Struggling to say no, tolerating someone else's disappointment and noticing your defences in real time
• Edy's experience of trying to be the perfect client in his own therapy
• Why being productive isn't the same as being well

0:00 Introduction

0:50 How Edy found his way into psychology

2:50 Stigma and talking about mental health at home

4:10 Why it's worth not giving up after your first therapist

5:00 When people don't come back after the first session

7:00 The gym, the physio and the tennis metaphor

8:15 When you can explain it but can't feel it

9:15 Trying to fix an emotion

10:50 Working with high-achieving young people

13:30 When nobody checks in on the capable one

15:05 Perfectionism and the 95% finished assignment

17:30 Therapy bloopers

18:40 Working with perfectionism without fighting it

20:40 What is ISTDP?

22:05 Struggling to say no and tolerating disappointment

26:20 Being the perfect client in your own therapy

29:50 Functioning isn't the same as being well

If something in this episode feels close to home and you'd like some support, you can book an appointment with Edy or one of the team at The Therapy Hub in Footscray: Book Here

Got a question or a topic you'd like me to cover on the podcast? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

Edy Xie is a psychologist who works with clients across a range of ages, including a lot of high-achieving young people and young adults. He works at The Therapy Hub in Footscray and has a particular interest in ISTDP, which he's experienced in his own therapy as well as using it with clients. Before psychology, Edy studied biomed and spent time working in cafes, chasing his childhood dream of being a chef.

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Connect with Marie

https://thetherapyhub.com.au/

https://marievakakis.com.au/

https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

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You say yes before you've even thought about it. Later that night you're lying awake, going over it, annoyed at them and even more annoyed at yourself. You don't want to be the difficult one, so you keep saying yes and the resentment keeps building. In this episode I talk with author and coach Maryna Bilousova about people pleasing, resentment and the good girl conditioning that makes saying no feel impossible.

Things Discussed:

• How childhood patterns show up in who we choose and how we react in adult relationships
• Freud's iceberg and the part of the mind that runs things below our awareness
• Why resentment so often comes back to boundaries and self worth
• The good girl conditioning: behave, comply, never say no, never admit there's a problem
• Why it's so hard to sit with someone else's disappointment
• Why a boundary is your job to hold, not the other person's job to remember
• The fence in the park and why boundaries create a sense of security
• How behaviour gets co created between people, from gym classes to the friend who's always late
• Why understanding a pattern isn't the same as changing it, and how EMDR and hypnosis can help
• The Gottman aftermath of a fight and a couple arguing over a leaky tap
• Taking time for yourself as a parent, and what happens when mothers lose themselves in their kids
• Practical ways to say no: pause, breathe, count to three, the superwoman pose and clear is kind

Timestamps:

0:00 Resentment and the patterns we can't explain

1:00 How Maryna came to this work through her own relationship

2:00 Freud's iceberg and the subconscious mind

3:30 When an adult relationship repeats a childhood dynamic

5:00 Resentment, boundaries and being the good girl

7:00 Why saying no feels so hard

8:00 The power of saying no

9:00 The fence in the park: boundaries as security

10:00 How behaviour gets co created

11:00 When old fears follow you to work

12:30 Understanding a pattern versus changing it

15:00 The Gottman aftermath of a fight and the leaky tap

18:30 What Maryna wishes she'd known as a young mum

21:00 Losing yourself in your kids

23:30 Learn to say no and trust your gut

25:00 The superwoman pose and clear is kind

Resources and Links:

Loving Without Losing Yourself by Maryna Bilousova: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GHSY27PG

Maryna Bilousova on Instagram, including her free discovery call: https://www.instagram.com/maryna_bilousova_official/

Relationship Reset: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

EMDR therapy at The Therapy Hub: https://thetherapyhub.com.au/emdr/

Brené Brown, clear is kind: https://brenebrown.com/articles/2018/10/15/clear-is-kind-unclear-is-unkind/

Guest Info:

Maryna Bilousova is an author and coach who works with women stuck in emotionally confusing relationships. Her work brings together subconscious reprogramming, hypnotherapy and what she calls the revolutionary mindset. She's the author of Loving Without Losing Yourself and a mother of four, and she joined me from Germany. You can find Maryna on Instagram, where you can also book a free discovery call with her.

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Connect with Marie

https://thetherapyhub.com.au/

https://marievakakis.com.au/

https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast

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You're the one everyone brings their problems to, at work, at home and everywhere in between.

By the time the day winds down you've held the school emails, the parent who needs a phone call, the clients and the health advice you keep meaning to follow, and you're not sure who gets to hold any of it for you. It's a lot to carry, and most of us carry it without saying so out loud.

Fi Mims, a business coach and photographer who has been running her own business for 23 years, joins me to talk about the load women carry at home and at work and who she actually calls when it all gets heavy.

Things Discussed:

• What life looks like in the sandwich generation, with 17 year old twins, a business and two parents in aged care
• Why the health messaging aimed at women over 40 can leave you feeling like nothing you do is ever enough
• How work can settle you when things are tense at home and what it takes to be fully present for someone else
• The unspoken expectations about who carries the mental load and why workplaces and schools haven't caught up with families where both partners work
• A fresh perspective on the trad wife movement and burnout
• Who Fi talks to when things get heavy and why sharing the load with the right people matters
• Using professional support alongside your inner circle
• What Fi has learnt about listening in her marriage and with her teens, including calming down first, taking the other person's perspective and letting teenagers have their say
• Why planning ahead and slowing down before you're forced to is worth the discomfort
• Choosing deeper connection over the easy win of the couch

Timestamps:

2:00 Life in the sandwich generation

4:00 Hiking the Grampians with her son

7:00 Holding space for others while managing your own life

8:00 Being a woman in business and the unspoken load at home

10:00 Why work and school haven't caught up with working families

13:00 The trad wife movement and burnout

14:00 The pressure to get health right

16:00 Who you unload with when it all gets heavy

19:00 Using professional support when you need it

22:00 Communication and perspective taking in marriage

24:00 Parenting teens and learning to zip it

27:00 What Fi would say to anyone in this season

30:00 Slowing down, planning ahead and choosing deeper connection

33:00 Wrapping up and one thing to try

Resources and Links:

Work with Fi Mims: https://fimims.com/contact

Find Fi online:

Instagram https://www.instagram.com/fimims/

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/fimimsphotography

LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/fi-mims-photography/

Keep the Conversation Going

Got a question you'd like answered on the podcast? Ask me anything here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

Guest Info:

Fi Mims is an award winning photographer and business coach who supports her clients to look and feel their best and lifts the visibility of their personal brands. Her photographs show clients as authentic, beautiful and powerful, and her coaching supports them to find self belief, confidence and purpose.

With over 20 years of experience behind her, Fi has navigated the many challenges facing modern women while building and maintaining a multiple six figure business. When she's not working she's dreaming up new holiday adventures, getting through the pile of books next to her bed, enjoying a good boogie and never refusing a glass of champagne.

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026

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Connect with Marie:

https://thetherapyhub.com.au/

https://marievakakis.com.au/

https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast

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You still say I love you before bed. You still sit next to each other on the couch most nights. Nothing bad has happened, no big fight, no betrayal, and somewhere along the way you stopped feeling like you actually know this person.

This episode looks at three reasons emotional intimacy fades in long term relationships, even when nothing has gone wrong, and what you can actually do about it this week.

Things Discussed:

• What bids for connection are, and why missing them slowly creates distance
• The Gottman research on why relationships more often end in a slow drift than one big blow up
• Why spending time together is not the same as quality time
• The REV framework for listening: reflect, empathically attune, validate
• The still face experiment, and why a blank face can feel threatening
• Why couples stop updating each other, and how to start again
• Specific open ended questions to try with your partner this week

Timestamps:

2:00 Why emotional distance builds without one clear cause

3:00 Bids for connection, explained

5:00 The Gottman research on what keeps couples together

7:00 Why time together is not the same as quality time

9:00 The problem with yes or no questions

11:00 REV: reflect, empathically attune, validate

14:00 The still face experiment

15:00 The third reason couples drift apart

18:00 Questions to try with your partner this week

20:00 Small deposits, not one grand gesture

Resources and Links

Free open ended questions guide

Open ended questions https://marievakakis.com.au/open-ended-questions-for-couples/

Relationship Reset course

https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Keep the Conversation Going

forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

Connect with Marie:

https://thetherapyhub.com.au/

https://marievakakis.com.au/

https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast

https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Most people don't know the difference between a sex therapist and a couples therapist, or which one they actually need. In this episode, Tania Wellby, an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker and Sex Therapist, joins Marie to talk about sexual scripts, mismatched desire and why your partner turning you down is almost never about you. It's a direct conversation about the stuff most of us only type into Google late at night and never say out loud.

• The difference between a sex therapist and a couples therapist, and how to know which one you need
• What actually brings people to sex therapy, from mismatched desire to sexual trauma to dating anxiety
• Sexual scripts, the unspoken rules about sex and gender we absorb from culture and never actually chose
• Why one partner's low desire so often gets misread as rejection
• The vulnerability cycle, and how it shows up around sex as much as it does around conflict
• How to say what you actually feel instead of the thing that starts a fight
• Why nothing shocks a good sex therapist, and what that means for the rest of us

0:00 What actually brings someone to sex therapy

2:00 Welcome to This Complex Life with Tania Wellby

5:00 Why sex is still taboo, even among social workers

8:00 What actually brings people through the door

13:00 Sex therapy or couples therapy, how to know which one you need

14:00 Sexual scripts, the blueprint nobody signs up for

17:00 The vulnerability cycle and why low desire gets read as rejection

23:00 Is there anything that could still shock her

Tania Wellby

https://www.yestherapy.com.au/meet-tania

Free sex and intimacy guide

https://marievakakis.com.au/time-to-talk-a-guide-to-talking-about-sex-and-intimacy/

forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

Tania Wellby is an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker and Sex Therapist. She's dual trained, which means she works across both the mental health side and the sex therapy side of what people bring into the room, including desire, sexual trauma, sexuality and relationships.

You love your partner and you'd choose them again if you had to do it all over, so why did you stop wanting sex with them?

As a couples therapist, this is one of the most common things I hear from couples, and it's almost never about love running out.

In this episode, I break down why love and desire run on completely different systems, how safety and familiarity can quietly work against your sex life, what becoming a parent does to desire (and why being touched out is different from just being tired), how resentment blocks desire and why waiting for spontaneous desire to strike is a myth that's setting you up to wait forever.

I also share practical ways to bring the spark back without adding pressure, including the difference between wanting and willing and one simple exercise you can try tonight. If you've been quietly wondering whether something's wrong with you or your relationship, this episode is for you.

• Free conflict workbook: https://marievakakis.com.au/why-couples-keep-arguing-and-what-its-really-aboutand-what-its-really-about/
• Free guide to sex and intimacy: https://marievakakis.com.au/time-to-talk-a-guide-to-talking-about-sex-and-intimacy/
• Relationship Reset course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

0:00 Why you can love someone and still not want sex with them

6:00 Becoming a parent and feeling touched out

12:00 Resentment and the mental load

15:00 Why waiting for spontaneous desire is a myth

20:00 Bringing back novelty, fun and playfulness

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026

https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie

https://thetherapyhub.com.au/

https://marievakakis.com.au/

https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast

https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

The kitchen is finally clean. You've sat down for the first time all day. Then a hand lands on your back and your shoulders go tight before you've decided anything at all. You love them. You're just completely done, and you already know how tonight goes if you say no.

This week I answer a listener question from someone who wants sex less often than her partner does and has started to wonder whether something is wrong with her. We talk about why the number is almost never the actual problem, what's really driving the tension in these dynamics and what you can do about it.

Things Discussed

• The listener question: my partner wants sex more than I do, and I feel like I'm failing at something I'm supposed to want
• Why differences in desire show up in most long term relationships at some point
• What shifts desire over time, including illness, medication side effects, parenting, stress, hormone changes and body changes
• Why a difference in desire doesn't mean you're incompatible
• The meaning people make of a no, and why that meaning does more damage than the no itself
• Sexual scripts and the templates we all carry about who initiates and how it's supposed to go
• Why there's no normal frequency, and why many couples have never agreed on what sex even means to them
• The golden rule: it's fun, it's pleasurable, everyone is willing and able, and no can be said without an unintended consequence
• How affection drops off when every touch feels loaded, from opposite ends of the couch to not holding hands
• Being lonely in the same house, living like housemates or ships in the night
• Responsive desire and spontaneous desire, and why waiting to feel like it first can mean waiting a very long time
• Why planning for it and building anticipation isn't a failure of romance
• Why the big weekend away often ends in a fight instead of connection
• Emily Nagoski's accelerator and brakes analogy, and how two people can have very different sensitivities
• Taking sex off the table for an agreed period so bodies can relax
• How to open the conversation, when to have it, and why your first attempt is allowed to be a rough draft
• The sex education most of us got, and what it left out

Timestamps

0:00 The hand on your back and the panic that follows

1:00 The listener question and why it comes up so often

2:00 Differences in desire show up in most long term relationships

3:00 What changes desire over time

4:00 Sexual scripts and the meaning we make of a no

4:50 There is no normal frequency

6:30 How affection slides off the agenda

8:00 Lonely in the same house

9:40 Responsive desire and the myth of spontaneous desire

11:20 Planning, anticipation and why it still counts

12:50 Why the weekend away backfires

13:40 Accelerators and brakes

14:40 Taking sex off the table

16:10 How to start the conversation

17:40 You are not failing at anything

Resources and Links

Free guide to talking about sex and intimacy: https://marievakakis.com.au/time-to-talk-a-guide-to-talking-about-sex-and-intimacy/

Relationship Reset, including the full module on intimacy: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Couples Therapy Masterclass series for therapists, including the module on working with desire discrepancy: https://marievakakis.com.au/professionals-training/

Work with me: https://marievakakis.com.au/contact/

Episode with Dr Sarah Ashton on sexual scripts and desire: https://open.spotify.com/episode/1xGrzIjeplUPmQ9zCfOfnX?si=9wX0pMK4QN6I8xEDT3XVMg

Books mentioned

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

Come Together by Emily Nagoski

Keep the Conversation Going

Got a question you want answered on the podcast? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

I read every question that comes in, even the ones I cannot get to.

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026

https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie

https://thetherapyhub.com.au/

https://marievakakis.com.au/

https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast

https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Why doesn't mental health advice change what you actually do? You can name your attachment style, explain what co-regulation means and know exactly why yelling isn't helping, and still lose it before school drop off. In this episode I talk with Sana Qadar, host of the ABC's All in the Mind, about the gap between knowing the research and using it, the mental health words that have lost their meaning, and the one parenting strategy she took home and used within the week.

• How a journalist who trained to be a war reporter ended up hosting a psychology podcast
• Why being fluent in mental health language isn't the same as changing your behaviour
• The anti yelling advice from Dr Lindsay Gibson that fixed Sana's morning routine overnight
• Turning the school morning into a game instead of a fight
• The difference between willpower and building a system around yourself
• What has actually changed in how we talk about mental health in the last five years
• Trauma, ADHD and narcissism used as catchall terms, and what gets lost when they are
• How Sana decides how much of her own life to share with listeners
• Working out whether the person giving you advice online is actually qualified
• Why almost every episode about the brain turns out to be a story about a relationship
• What makes you hard to live with, and what it means when someone calls you unreflective

0:00 Intro

1:40 From war reporting to psychology and neuroscience

2:40 Why knowing the research doesn't mean you're doing the work

4:40 The parenting advice she took home and used that week

6:20 How much of yourself to share when you host a show

9:20 The basket of paper tasks that changed their mornings

10:10 What has shifted in how we talk about mental health

11:00 Trauma, ADHD and therapy speak as catchall labels

12:40 The story that stayed with her

16:00 What it's like being the one getting interviewed

21:30 How to work out if someone is qualified to give advice

24:30 Why every brain story is really a relationship story

27:20 What makes you hard to live with

Sana Qadar is the host of All in the Mind on ABC Radio National. She spent ten years working in international news before moving into psychology and mental health reporting, and has been hosting All in the Mind full time since 2021. She isn't a psychologist or a therapist, which is exactly why this conversation is useful. If you have a topic you'd like the show to cover, you can email [email protected].

• All in the Mind podcast – get it on the ABC listen app or where ever you get your podcasts

Got a question or a topic you'd like covered? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

The five love languages have sold over 20 million copies and become one of the most widely used frameworks in pop psychology. Most couples have done the quiz. A lot of them have tried to apply it. In this episode, Marie talks about what the research actually found when the core claims were tested, where the framework falls short in practice, and what consistently shows up in the research as a far better predictor of relationship satisfaction.

Things Discussed

• The origins of the five love languages and why the book resonated with so many people
• Why the framework was based on pastoral counselling, not research
• What the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy found when it formally tested the core claims
• Why having the same primary love language as your partner doesn't predict relationship satisfaction
• The ways people misuse the love languages: as a compatibility test, a measuring stick, or a fixed diagnosis
• Why love language preferences shift with life stage, stress and having kids
• Responsiveness and bids for connection: what the research shows is a far better predictor of relationship satisfaction
• Love maps: understanding your partner's inner world, why most couples stop updating them after three to five years, and what that costs
• Practical steps: asking your partner what would make them feel loved right now, staying curious, keeping the conversation going

Timestamps

0:00 Introduction

1:00 Why the five love languages resonated and what the book got right

2:15 The research gap: pastoral counselling versus evidence

3:00 The five categories and what the research found about shared love languages

4:30 What goes wrong: love languages as a compatibility test

6:00 Responsiveness and bids for connection

8:00 Love maps and staying updated on your partner's inner world

10:30 What to do instead

13:30 Relationship Reset and how to get support

Resources and Links

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Relationship Reset Course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Keep the Conversation Going

forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026

https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie

https://thetherapyhub.com.au/

https://marievakakis.com.au/

https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast

https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Your partner gets defensive and suddenly the conversation you needed to have is completely buried. Now you’re defending yourself, they’re defending themselves, and whatever you actually needed to talk about is gone. This is one of the most common things I see in couples therapy, and in almost every case there’s more going on underneath the surface than it looks like from where you’re standing.

What this episode covers

• What defensiveness usually is: a reaction to how something was delivered, not just a personality trait
• Criticism vs contempt: the two Gottman concepts that predict relationship breakdown and how they trigger defensive responses
• How to tell the difference between attacking the person and describing your own experience
• The shopping trolley story: intention, impact and interpretation, and why couples fight about the wrong thing
• How past experiences, trauma and negative sentiment override shape the way your partner hears what you say
• Why some people are wired to hear an attack even when there isn’t one
• What to do when you see defensiveness coming, including the gentle startup
• Leading with curiosity instead of accusation
• How to ask your partner to rephrase something when it has landed wrong

Timestamps

0:00 Introduction

2:00 Criticism and contempt: what Gottman research tells us

4:00 How you start the conversation changes everything

6:00 Intention, impact and interpretation

10:00 When interpretation becomes the story we tell ourselves

13:00 How past experiences and trauma shape defensive responses

17:00 What to do when your partner gets defensive

20:00 How to phrase things differently and ask for a rephrase

Resources and Links

• Conflict Workbook: https://marievakakis.com.au/why-couples-keep-arguing-and-what-its-really-aboutand-what-its-really-about/
• Relationship Reset course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/
• Marathon sessions at The Therapy Hub: https://thetherapyhub.com.au/marathon-couples-therapy/

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026

https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie

https://thetherapyhub.com.au/

https://marievakakis.com.au/

https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast

https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6