The kitchen is finally clean. You've sat down for the first time all day. Then a hand lands on your back and your shoulders go tight before you've decided anything at all. You love them. You're just completely done, and you already know how tonight goes if you say no.

This week I answer a listener question from someone who wants sex less often than her partner does and has started to wonder whether something is wrong with her. We talk about why the number is almost never the actual problem, what's really driving the tension in these dynamics and what you can do about it.

Things Discussed

• The listener question: my partner wants sex more than I do, and I feel like I'm failing at something I'm supposed to want
• Why differences in desire show up in most long term relationships at some point
• What shifts desire over time, including illness, medication side effects, parenting, stress, hormone changes and body changes
• Why a difference in desire doesn't mean you're incompatible
• The meaning people make of a no, and why that meaning does more damage than the no itself
• Sexual scripts and the templates we all carry about who initiates and how it's supposed to go
• Why there's no normal frequency, and why many couples have never agreed on what sex even means to them
• The golden rule: it's fun, it's pleasurable, everyone is willing and able, and no can be said without an unintended consequence
• How affection drops off when every touch feels loaded, from opposite ends of the couch to not holding hands
• Being lonely in the same house, living like housemates or ships in the night
• Responsive desire and spontaneous desire, and why waiting to feel like it first can mean waiting a very long time
• Why planning for it and building anticipation isn't a failure of romance
• Why the big weekend away often ends in a fight instead of connection
• Emily Nagoski's accelerator and brakes analogy, and how two people can have very different sensitivities
• Taking sex off the table for an agreed period so bodies can relax
• How to open the conversation, when to have it, and why your first attempt is allowed to be a rough draft
• The sex education most of us got, and what it left out

Timestamps

0:00 The hand on your back and the panic that follows

1:00 The listener question and why it comes up so often

2:00 Differences in desire show up in most long term relationships

3:00 What changes desire over time

4:00 Sexual scripts and the meaning we make of a no

4:50 There is no normal frequency

6:30 How affection slides off the agenda

8:00 Lonely in the same house

9:40 Responsive desire and the myth of spontaneous desire

11:20 Planning, anticipation and why it still counts

12:50 Why the weekend away backfires

13:40 Accelerators and brakes

14:40 Taking sex off the table

16:10 How to start the conversation

17:40 You are not failing at anything

Resources and Links

Free guide to talking about sex and intimacy: https://marievakakis.com.au/time-to-talk-a-guide-to-talking-about-sex-and-intimacy/

Relationship Reset, including the full module on intimacy: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Couples Therapy Masterclass series for therapists, including the module on working with desire discrepancy: https://marievakakis.com.au/professionals-training/

Work with me: https://marievakakis.com.au/contact/

Episode with Dr Sarah Ashton on sexual scripts and desire: https://open.spotify.com/episode/1xGrzIjeplUPmQ9zCfOfnX?si=9wX0pMK4QN6I8xEDT3XVMg

Books mentioned

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

Come Together by Emily Nagoski

Keep the Conversation Going

Got a question you want answered on the podcast? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

I read every question that comes in, even the ones I cannot get to.

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https://thetherapyhub.com.au/

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Why doesn't mental health advice change what you actually do? You can name your attachment style, explain what co-regulation means and know exactly why yelling isn't helping, and still lose it before school drop off. In this episode I talk with Sana Qadar, host of the ABC's All in the Mind, about the gap between knowing the research and using it, the mental health words that have lost their meaning, and the one parenting strategy she took home and used within the week.

• How a journalist who trained to be a war reporter ended up hosting a psychology podcast
• Why being fluent in mental health language isn't the same as changing your behaviour
• The anti yelling advice from Dr Lindsay Gibson that fixed Sana's morning routine overnight
• Turning the school morning into a game instead of a fight
• The difference between willpower and building a system around yourself
• What has actually changed in how we talk about mental health in the last five years
• Trauma, ADHD and narcissism used as catchall terms, and what gets lost when they are
• How Sana decides how much of her own life to share with listeners
• Working out whether the person giving you advice online is actually qualified
• Why almost every episode about the brain turns out to be a story about a relationship
• What makes you hard to live with, and what it means when someone calls you unreflective

0:00 Intro

1:40 From war reporting to psychology and neuroscience

2:40 Why knowing the research doesn't mean you're doing the work

4:40 The parenting advice she took home and used that week

6:20 How much of yourself to share when you host a show

9:20 The basket of paper tasks that changed their mornings

10:10 What has shifted in how we talk about mental health

11:00 Trauma, ADHD and therapy speak as catchall labels

12:40 The story that stayed with her

16:00 What it's like being the one getting interviewed

21:30 How to work out if someone is qualified to give advice

24:30 Why every brain story is really a relationship story

27:20 What makes you hard to live with

Sana Qadar is the host of All in the Mind on ABC Radio National. She spent ten years working in international news before moving into psychology and mental health reporting, and has been hosting All in the Mind full time since 2021. She isn't a psychologist or a therapist, which is exactly why this conversation is useful. If you have a topic you'd like the show to cover, you can email [email protected].

• All in the Mind podcast – get it on the ABC listen app or where ever you get your podcasts

Got a question or a topic you'd like covered? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

The five love languages have sold over 20 million copies and become one of the most widely used frameworks in pop psychology. Most couples have done the quiz. A lot of them have tried to apply it. In this episode, Marie talks about what the research actually found when the core claims were tested, where the framework falls short in practice, and what consistently shows up in the research as a far better predictor of relationship satisfaction.

Things Discussed

• The origins of the five love languages and why the book resonated with so many people
• Why the framework was based on pastoral counselling, not research
• What the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy found when it formally tested the core claims
• Why having the same primary love language as your partner doesn't predict relationship satisfaction
• The ways people misuse the love languages: as a compatibility test, a measuring stick, or a fixed diagnosis
• Why love language preferences shift with life stage, stress and having kids
• Responsiveness and bids for connection: what the research shows is a far better predictor of relationship satisfaction
• Love maps: understanding your partner's inner world, why most couples stop updating them after three to five years, and what that costs
• Practical steps: asking your partner what would make them feel loved right now, staying curious, keeping the conversation going

Timestamps

0:00 Introduction

1:00 Why the five love languages resonated and what the book got right

2:15 The research gap: pastoral counselling versus evidence

3:00 The five categories and what the research found about shared love languages

4:30 What goes wrong: love languages as a compatibility test

6:00 Responsiveness and bids for connection

8:00 Love maps and staying updated on your partner's inner world

10:30 What to do instead

13:30 Relationship Reset and how to get support

Resources and Links

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Relationship Reset Course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Keep the Conversation Going

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Connect with Marie

https://thetherapyhub.com.au/

https://marievakakis.com.au/

https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast

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Your partner gets defensive and suddenly the conversation you needed to have is completely buried. Now you’re defending yourself, they’re defending themselves, and whatever you actually needed to talk about is gone. This is one of the most common things I see in couples therapy, and in almost every case there’s more going on underneath the surface than it looks like from where you’re standing.

What this episode covers

• What defensiveness usually is: a reaction to how something was delivered, not just a personality trait
• Criticism vs contempt: the two Gottman concepts that predict relationship breakdown and how they trigger defensive responses
• How to tell the difference between attacking the person and describing your own experience
• The shopping trolley story: intention, impact and interpretation, and why couples fight about the wrong thing
• How past experiences, trauma and negative sentiment override shape the way your partner hears what you say
• Why some people are wired to hear an attack even when there isn’t one
• What to do when you see defensiveness coming, including the gentle startup
• Leading with curiosity instead of accusation
• How to ask your partner to rephrase something when it has landed wrong

Timestamps

0:00 Introduction

2:00 Criticism and contempt: what Gottman research tells us

4:00 How you start the conversation changes everything

6:00 Intention, impact and interpretation

10:00 When interpretation becomes the story we tell ourselves

13:00 How past experiences and trauma shape defensive responses

17:00 What to do when your partner gets defensive

20:00 How to phrase things differently and ask for a rephrase

Resources and Links

• Conflict Workbook: https://marievakakis.com.au/why-couples-keep-arguing-and-what-its-really-aboutand-what-its-really-about/
• Relationship Reset course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/
• Marathon sessions at The Therapy Hub: https://thetherapyhub.com.au/marathon-couples-therapy/

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026

https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie

https://thetherapyhub.com.au/

https://marievakakis.com.au/

https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast

https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Grief is one of those feelings we don't talk about very well, even though every single one of us will live through it. In this solo episode I sit with grief in all its forms, from the loss we expect to the loss that knocks us sideways. I talk about what helped me, what I see in the therapy room, and the small practical things that actually make a difference when you're the one grieving or the one trying to support someone who is.

Things Discussed

• The many different types of grief, and why having language for them helps
• Anticipatory grief, and what it's like to slowly lose a grandparent to dementia
• The things people say with the best intentions that quietly make grief harder
• Why two people can lose the same person and grieve like strangers
• Grief bursts, and why a wave of sadness can arrive months or years later
• How to genuinely show up for someone instead of asking them to tell you what they need
• What to do when grief comes out as anger
• Why comparing whose loss is worse misses the point entirely

Timestamps

0:00 Why we don't talk about grief

0:30 The many types of grief

2:20 My first experiences of grief

5:30 Grief and love arrive together

9:30 What not to say to someone grieving

13:00 Practical grievers and feeling grievers

17:40 How to actually show up for someone

22:30 Anticipatory grief

Resources and Links

Inside Social Work: When a Client Dies by Suicide: Reflections for Mental Health Professionals

Work with a therapist

Question or topic suggestions: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

Keep the Conversation Going

Got a question you'd like me to answer on the podcast, or a topic you'd like me to explore? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026

https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie

https://thetherapyhub.com.au/

https://marievakakis.com.au/

https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast

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You still like each other. You get along well. There's no crisis, nothing obviously broken. You've just stopped feeling in love the way you used to, and you're not sure whether you can get it back. That's the Ask Marie question this episode answers, and it comes up more often than almost anything else I hear in my consulting room.

What this episode covers

• Why what you're describing is extremely common and what the difference between drifting apart and falling out of love actually means
• The plant metaphor: why a relationship that doesn't get what it needs fails not because it wasn't resilient but because it wasn't tended
• Five signs you've drifted: patterns have become functional rather than romantic, conversation is mostly logistics, small moments of connection have disappeared, you're on autopilot, you're coexisting rather than connecting
• Why this happens, especially when children arrive, and why the relationship gets quietly deprioritised because it seems more stable than everything else demanding your attention
• The emotional piggy bank: why small consistent deposits build the buffer you need when hard times come, and why so many couples are in overdraft
• Bids for connection and the three ways we respond to them
• Why weekend getaways often make things worse and what actually works instead
• How to start the conversation using I statements that describe feelings rather than the other person's behaviour
• Why tone matters as much as words and how the same sentence can land completely differently depending on how it's delivered
• How to pick the right timing for a difficult conversation and stop setting each other up to fail
• The marathon session story: a couple who fell back in love after two days of deep conversation
• Small deposits to start today

Timestamps

0:00 Introduction and the Ask Marie question

2:30 Why drifting apart is different from falling out of love

5:30 Five signs you've drifted

15:00 Why it happens: parenting and deprioritising the relationship

20:00 What actually works

23:00 Bids for connection and the emotional piggy bank

27:00 How to start the conversation

32:00 Picking the right time

35:00 The marathon session story

Resources and Links

• Relationship Reset course
• Open-ended questions for couples
• Marathon sessions at The Therapy Hub

Keep the Conversation Going

Got a question for Ask Marie? Send it through: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

Instagram: @marievakakis

Website: marievakakis.com.au

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026

https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie

https://thetherapyhub.com.au/

https://marievakakis.com.au/

https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast

https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

You're spending time together. Dinners, dog walks, evenings on the couch. Nobody's fighting, nothing is obviously broken. Something feels completely off and you can't quite point to it. In this episode I walk through seven signs your partner might be emotionally checked out, even when everything looks fine from the outside.

What this episode covers

• Sign 1: Questions that became routine rather than curious, and why knowing what's happening in your partner's life makes you better at asking the follow-up
• Sign 2: Physical affection quietly dropping, not just sex but the small everyday moments of touch, and why this can happen so slowly that hugging each other starts to feel slightly foreign
• Sign 3: Managing each other instead of talking, when the relationship starts to run like a workplace, and why that efficiency is a warning sign rather than a sign of maturity
• Sign 4: The phone as a barrier and an escape, what it signals when someone reaches for their device in uncomfortable moments, and the case for tech-free time together
• Sign 5: They stop mentioning the things that bother them, why silence in a relationship isn't always peace, and what it actually means when someone stops trying to bring things up
• Sign 6: They stop showing up for the moments that matter, from milestones and anniversaries to tough days, and how what counts as showing up changes over time
• Sign 7: No more future talk, why planning together is one of the clearest signals of investment, and what it means when those conversations fall off the radar
• Why this usually develops: missed bids for connection, fights that end in stonewalling without repair, and a slow accumulation of unresolved things
• How to start the conversation without putting your partner on the defensive
• When to get outside support and what that might look like

Timestamps

0:00 Introduction

1:30 Sign 1: Questions that became routine

5:30 Sign 2: Physical affection drops

8:00 Sign 3: Managing each other not talking

9:30 Sign 4: The phone

13:30 Sign 5: They stop sharing what bothers them

16:00 Sign 6: They stop showing up for big moments

19:00 Sign 7: No more future talk

20:30 Why it develops and how to start the conversation

Resources and Links

• Relationship Reset course: marievakakis.com.au
• Free Conflict Workbook: marievakakis.com.au
• Connected Teens parenting course
• Marathon sessions at The Therapy Hub: thetherapyhub.com.au
• Connected Teen: marievakakis.com.au

Keep the Conversation Going

Got a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

Instagram: @marievakakis

Website: marievakakis.com.au

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026

https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie

https://thetherapyhub.com.au/

https://marievakakis.com.au/

https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast

https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Feeling lonely in a relationship even a good one? This is one of the most common things I hear in therapy, and one of the hardest feelings to name.

You're in a relationship with someone you love. Nothing dramatic is wrong, there's no big fight, no obvious reason and most of the time you feel lonely. That's the Ask Marie question this episode answers, and it's one of the most common things I hear across both individual and couples therapy. In this episode I talk about what relational loneliness actually is, how it develops, why it's so hard to name, and what to do with it.

What this episode covers

• What it means to feel lonely in the presence of someone who loves you, and why it's more common than most people feel permitted to say out loud
• The difference between being alone and feeling lonely, and why relational loneliness is often more painful
• How loneliness in a relationship develops gradually through small missed moments of connection rather than one dramatic event
• The Gottman concepts of turning towards and turning away, and how missed bids for connection accumulate over time
• How conflict style contributes to loneliness: when sharing something doesn't land well, we quietly stop sharing
• Why this feeling is so hard to name: guilt, fear of seeming ungrateful, and not feeling entitled to the emotion
• The headache metaphor: loneliness as a symptom that signals something underneath needs attention
• How to start the conversation with your partner without it turning into a fight
• What to do when every attempt to raise it gets shut down
• Why loneliness in a relationship is information, not a verdict

Timestamps

4:00 What relational loneliness actually is

12:30 Conflict style and disconnection

22:00 How to start the conversation

28:00 When to get outside support

30:00 Loneliness is information, not a verdict

Resources and Links

• Relationship Reset course: This is where to start if this episode resonated.
• Free Conflict Workbook
• Related episode: Drifting Apart in a Relationship
• Related episode: Bids for connection

Keep the Conversation Going

Got a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through and it might become an Ask Marie episode: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

Instagram: @marievakakis

Website: marievakakis.com.au

You've probably received the same relationship advice everyone gets. Never go to bed angry. Just communicate more. Send them the link. Some of it sounds reasonable and most of it gets misapplied in ways that create more problems than they solve. Monica Tanner is a Relational Life Therapy certified relationship coach, podcast host and author of the Amazon bestselling book Bad Marriage Advice, and she joins me to talk about what couples have been taught that isn't actually helping them, and what works instead.

What this episode covers

• Why never going to bed angry is one of the most misunderstood pieces of relationship advice and what it was actually meant to mean
• The HALTS acronym and why timing matters more than most couples realise when trying to work through conflict
• Monica's thought download exercise: how to separate what's actually happened from the story you're telling yourself about it
• Why an outsized reaction from your partner is almost never about what's happening right in front of you
• What Relational Life Therapy is and how the three phase approach works with couples
• The wise adult versus the adaptive child and what bringing yourself back online actually looks like in a heated moment
• Why understanding your partner doesn't mean agreeing with them
• How to share something you've learned with your partner without it turning into another argument
• What to do when one partner is unhappy and the other thinks everything is fine
• Monica's through line: if advice dampens communication, it's bad advice

Timestamps

0:00 Introduction

1:00 How Bad Marriage Advice came about

2:30 Never go to bed angry: what it actually means

5:00 Monica's personal experience and what changed

7:30 HALTS and responsible distance taking

9:00 The thought download exercise

12:00 Empathy for deeply ingrained beliefs 13:00 What Relational Life Therapy is

15:30 How Monica and her husband navigate things now

17:00 If it's hysterical it's historical

18:00 Understanding does not equal agreement

19:30 Being curious without being condescending

20:00 Walking on eggshells and when to get help

21:30 How to introduce this to your partner without it backfiring

24:00 Sending 30 reels and what it really means

27:00 When one partner wants to work on things and the other doesn't

30:00 Why going to therapy alone can still shift a dynamic

Resources and Links

Monica Tanner's website: monicatanner.com Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast: monicatanner.com Bad Marriage Advice by Monica Tanner: available on Amazon Relationship Reset course: marievakakis.com.au

Keep the Conversation Going

Got a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through and it might become an Ask Marie episode: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

Instagram: @marievakakis Website: marievakakis.com.au

Monica Tanner is a Relational Life Therapy certified relationship coach, podcast host of Secrets of Happily Ever After and author of Bad Marriage Advice. Find her at monicatanner.com.

website: https://monicatanner.com

Instagram: https://instagram.com/monitalksmarriage

Youtube: https://youtube.com/@secretsofhappilyeverafter

If you've ever agreed to something and immediately regretted it, apologised for something that wasn't your fault, or changed your opinion halfway through a conversation just to keep the peace, this episode is for you. The fawn response is one of the least understood nervous system patterns and one of the most invisible. It looks like being easygoing, warm and accommodating. From the outside it can be indistinguishable from kindness. The cost of it is paid quietly, and over time.

What this episode covers

• What the fawn response is and how it sits alongside fight, flight and freeze as a distinct nervous system pattern
• The research behind it including Pete Walker's clinical work and what polyvagal theory adds to our understanding
• How fawning shows up day to day: constant apologising, abandoning your opinions mid-conversation, shape shifting between social groups, and checking behaviours in relationships
• Why fawning gets mistaken for being a good person and how it gets culturally rewarded, particularly for women
• Where the fawn response comes from and why it almost always starts in childhood
• What fawning is actually costing you: chronic low-level resentment, disconnection, and a gradual loss of your own sense of self and preferences
• The difference between fawning and genuine kindness, and the body test that tells you which one you're doing
• Whether fawning is always a trauma response
• What to actually do about it, starting with low-stakes moments and one phrase that changes everything
• Whether the fawn response goes away once you recognise it

Timestamps

0:00 Introduction

1:00 What the fawn response is and where the research comes from

3:00 Fight, flight, freeze and fawn explained

4:30 How fawning shows up in everyday life

10:00 Why fawning gets mistaken for being a good person

12:00 Where the fawn response comes from

16:00 Why fawning rather than fight or flight

19:00 What it's actually costing you

22:00 How fawning creates distance not closeness

23:00 What to actually do about it

26:00 Low-stakes practice

30:00 When to seek support

31:00 Q&A: Is fawning the same as people pleasing?

32:00 Q&A: Is fawning always a trauma response?

33:00 Q&A: How do I know if I'm fawning or just being nice?

35:00 Q&A: Can fawning develop in adulthood?

36:30 Q&A: Does fawning go away once you recognise it?

Keep the Conversation Going

Got a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through and it might become an Ask Marie episode: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

Instagram: @marievakakis

Website: marievakakis.com.au