This Complex Life

Grief is one of those feelings we don't talk about very well, even though every single one of us will live through it. In this solo episode I sit with grief in all its forms, from the loss we expect to the loss that knocks us sideways. I talk about what helped me, what I see in the therapy room, and the small practical things that actually make a difference when you're the one grieving or the one trying to support someone who is.

Things Discussed

• The many different types of grief, and why having language for them helps
• Anticipatory grief, and what it's like to slowly lose a grandparent to dementia
• The things people say with the best intentions that quietly make grief harder
• Why two people can lose the same person and grieve like strangers
• Grief bursts, and why a wave of sadness can arrive months or years later
• How to genuinely show up for someone instead of asking them to tell you what they need
• What to do when grief comes out as anger
• Why comparing whose loss is worse misses the point entirely

Timestamps

0:00 Why we don't talk about grief

0:30 The many types of grief

2:20 My first experiences of grief

5:30 Grief and love arrive together

9:30 What not to say to someone grieving

13:00 Practical grievers and feeling grievers

17:40 How to actually show up for someone

22:30 Anticipatory grief

Resources and Links

Inside Social Work: When a Client Dies by Suicide: Reflections for Mental Health Professionals

Work with a therapist

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Got a question you'd like me to answer on the podcast, or a topic you'd like me to explore? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

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You still like each other. You get along well. There's no crisis, nothing obviously broken. You've just stopped feeling in love the way you used to, and you're not sure whether you can get it back. That's the Ask Marie question this episode answers, and it comes up more often than almost anything else I hear in my consulting room.

What this episode covers

• Why what you're describing is extremely common and what the difference between drifting apart and falling out of love actually means
• The plant metaphor: why a relationship that doesn't get what it needs fails not because it wasn't resilient but because it wasn't tended
• Five signs you've drifted: patterns have become functional rather than romantic, conversation is mostly logistics, small moments of connection have disappeared, you're on autopilot, you're coexisting rather than connecting
• Why this happens, especially when children arrive, and why the relationship gets quietly deprioritised because it seems more stable than everything else demanding your attention
• The emotional piggy bank: why small consistent deposits build the buffer you need when hard times come, and why so many couples are in overdraft
• Bids for connection and the three ways we respond to them
• Why weekend getaways often make things worse and what actually works instead
• How to start the conversation using I statements that describe feelings rather than the other person's behaviour
• Why tone matters as much as words and how the same sentence can land completely differently depending on how it's delivered
• How to pick the right timing for a difficult conversation and stop setting each other up to fail
• The marathon session story: a couple who fell back in love after two days of deep conversation
• Small deposits to start today

Timestamps

0:00 Introduction and the Ask Marie question

2:30 Why drifting apart is different from falling out of love

5:30 Five signs you've drifted

15:00 Why it happens: parenting and deprioritising the relationship

20:00 What actually works

23:00 Bids for connection and the emotional piggy bank

27:00 How to start the conversation

32:00 Picking the right time

35:00 The marathon session story

Resources and Links

• Relationship Reset course
• Open-ended questions for couples
• Marathon sessions at The Therapy Hub

Keep the Conversation Going

Got a question for Ask Marie? Send it through: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

Instagram: @marievakakis

Website: marievakakis.com.au

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026

https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie

https://thetherapyhub.com.au/

https://marievakakis.com.au/

https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast

https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

You're spending time together. Dinners, dog walks, evenings on the couch. Nobody's fighting, nothing is obviously broken. Something feels completely off and you can't quite point to it. In this episode I walk through seven signs your partner might be emotionally checked out, even when everything looks fine from the outside.

What this episode covers

• Sign 1: Questions that became routine rather than curious, and why knowing what's happening in your partner's life makes you better at asking the follow-up
• Sign 2: Physical affection quietly dropping, not just sex but the small everyday moments of touch, and why this can happen so slowly that hugging each other starts to feel slightly foreign
• Sign 3: Managing each other instead of talking, when the relationship starts to run like a workplace, and why that efficiency is a warning sign rather than a sign of maturity
• Sign 4: The phone as a barrier and an escape, what it signals when someone reaches for their device in uncomfortable moments, and the case for tech-free time together
• Sign 5: They stop mentioning the things that bother them, why silence in a relationship isn't always peace, and what it actually means when someone stops trying to bring things up
• Sign 6: They stop showing up for the moments that matter, from milestones and anniversaries to tough days, and how what counts as showing up changes over time
• Sign 7: No more future talk, why planning together is one of the clearest signals of investment, and what it means when those conversations fall off the radar
• Why this usually develops: missed bids for connection, fights that end in stonewalling without repair, and a slow accumulation of unresolved things
• How to start the conversation without putting your partner on the defensive
• When to get outside support and what that might look like

Timestamps

0:00 Introduction

1:30 Sign 1: Questions that became routine

5:30 Sign 2: Physical affection drops

8:00 Sign 3: Managing each other not talking

9:30 Sign 4: The phone

13:30 Sign 5: They stop sharing what bothers them

16:00 Sign 6: They stop showing up for big moments

19:00 Sign 7: No more future talk

20:30 Why it develops and how to start the conversation

Resources and Links

• Relationship Reset course: marievakakis.com.au
• Free Conflict Workbook: marievakakis.com.au
• Connected Teens parenting course
• Marathon sessions at The Therapy Hub: thetherapyhub.com.au
• Connected Teen: marievakakis.com.au

Keep the Conversation Going

Got a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

Instagram: @marievakakis

Website: marievakakis.com.au

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026

https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie

https://thetherapyhub.com.au/

https://marievakakis.com.au/

https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast

https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Feeling lonely in a relationship even a good one? This is one of the most common things I hear in therapy, and one of the hardest feelings to name.

You're in a relationship with someone you love. Nothing dramatic is wrong, there's no big fight, no obvious reason and most of the time you feel lonely. That's the Ask Marie question this episode answers, and it's one of the most common things I hear across both individual and couples therapy. In this episode I talk about what relational loneliness actually is, how it develops, why it's so hard to name, and what to do with it.

What this episode covers

• What it means to feel lonely in the presence of someone who loves you, and why it's more common than most people feel permitted to say out loud
• The difference between being alone and feeling lonely, and why relational loneliness is often more painful
• How loneliness in a relationship develops gradually through small missed moments of connection rather than one dramatic event
• The Gottman concepts of turning towards and turning away, and how missed bids for connection accumulate over time
• How conflict style contributes to loneliness: when sharing something doesn't land well, we quietly stop sharing
• Why this feeling is so hard to name: guilt, fear of seeming ungrateful, and not feeling entitled to the emotion
• The headache metaphor: loneliness as a symptom that signals something underneath needs attention
• How to start the conversation with your partner without it turning into a fight
• What to do when every attempt to raise it gets shut down
• Why loneliness in a relationship is information, not a verdict

Timestamps

4:00 What relational loneliness actually is

12:30 Conflict style and disconnection

22:00 How to start the conversation

28:00 When to get outside support

30:00 Loneliness is information, not a verdict

Resources and Links

• Relationship Reset course: This is where to start if this episode resonated.
• Free Conflict Workbook
• Related episode: Drifting Apart in a Relationship
• Related episode: Bids for connection

Keep the Conversation Going

Got a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through and it might become an Ask Marie episode: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

Instagram: @marievakakis

Website: marievakakis.com.au

You've probably received the same relationship advice everyone gets. Never go to bed angry. Just communicate more. Send them the link. Some of it sounds reasonable and most of it gets misapplied in ways that create more problems than they solve. Monica Tanner is a Relational Life Therapy certified relationship coach, podcast host and author of the Amazon bestselling book Bad Marriage Advice, and she joins me to talk about what couples have been taught that isn't actually helping them, and what works instead.

What this episode covers

• Why never going to bed angry is one of the most misunderstood pieces of relationship advice and what it was actually meant to mean
• The HALTS acronym and why timing matters more than most couples realise when trying to work through conflict
• Monica's thought download exercise: how to separate what's actually happened from the story you're telling yourself about it
• Why an outsized reaction from your partner is almost never about what's happening right in front of you
• What Relational Life Therapy is and how the three phase approach works with couples
• The wise adult versus the adaptive child and what bringing yourself back online actually looks like in a heated moment
• Why understanding your partner doesn't mean agreeing with them
• How to share something you've learned with your partner without it turning into another argument
• What to do when one partner is unhappy and the other thinks everything is fine
• Monica's through line: if advice dampens communication, it's bad advice

Timestamps

0:00 Introduction

1:00 How Bad Marriage Advice came about

2:30 Never go to bed angry: what it actually means

5:00 Monica's personal experience and what changed

7:30 HALTS and responsible distance taking

9:00 The thought download exercise

12:00 Empathy for deeply ingrained beliefs 13:00 What Relational Life Therapy is

15:30 How Monica and her husband navigate things now

17:00 If it's hysterical it's historical

18:00 Understanding does not equal agreement

19:30 Being curious without being condescending

20:00 Walking on eggshells and when to get help

21:30 How to introduce this to your partner without it backfiring

24:00 Sending 30 reels and what it really means

27:00 When one partner wants to work on things and the other doesn't

30:00 Why going to therapy alone can still shift a dynamic

Resources and Links

Monica Tanner's website: monicatanner.com Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast: monicatanner.com Bad Marriage Advice by Monica Tanner: available on Amazon Relationship Reset course: marievakakis.com.au

Keep the Conversation Going

Got a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through and it might become an Ask Marie episode: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

Instagram: @marievakakis Website: marievakakis.com.au

Monica Tanner is a Relational Life Therapy certified relationship coach, podcast host of Secrets of Happily Ever After and author of Bad Marriage Advice. Find her at monicatanner.com.

website: https://monicatanner.com

Instagram: https://instagram.com/monitalksmarriage

Youtube: https://youtube.com/@secretsofhappilyeverafter

If you've ever agreed to something and immediately regretted it, apologised for something that wasn't your fault, or changed your opinion halfway through a conversation just to keep the peace, this episode is for you. The fawn response is one of the least understood nervous system patterns and one of the most invisible. It looks like being easygoing, warm and accommodating. From the outside it can be indistinguishable from kindness. The cost of it is paid quietly, and over time.

What this episode covers

• What the fawn response is and how it sits alongside fight, flight and freeze as a distinct nervous system pattern
• The research behind it including Pete Walker's clinical work and what polyvagal theory adds to our understanding
• How fawning shows up day to day: constant apologising, abandoning your opinions mid-conversation, shape shifting between social groups, and checking behaviours in relationships
• Why fawning gets mistaken for being a good person and how it gets culturally rewarded, particularly for women
• Where the fawn response comes from and why it almost always starts in childhood
• What fawning is actually costing you: chronic low-level resentment, disconnection, and a gradual loss of your own sense of self and preferences
• The difference between fawning and genuine kindness, and the body test that tells you which one you're doing
• Whether fawning is always a trauma response
• What to actually do about it, starting with low-stakes moments and one phrase that changes everything
• Whether the fawn response goes away once you recognise it

Timestamps

0:00 Introduction

1:00 What the fawn response is and where the research comes from

3:00 Fight, flight, freeze and fawn explained

4:30 How fawning shows up in everyday life

10:00 Why fawning gets mistaken for being a good person

12:00 Where the fawn response comes from

16:00 Why fawning rather than fight or flight

19:00 What it's actually costing you

22:00 How fawning creates distance not closeness

23:00 What to actually do about it

26:00 Low-stakes practice

30:00 When to seek support

31:00 Q&A: Is fawning the same as people pleasing?

32:00 Q&A: Is fawning always a trauma response?

33:00 Q&A: How do I know if I'm fawning or just being nice?

35:00 Q&A: Can fawning develop in adulthood?

36:30 Q&A: Does fawning go away once you recognise it?

Keep the Conversation Going

Got a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through and it might become an Ask Marie episode: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

Instagram: @marievakakis

Website: marievakakis.com.au

Most couples have had the same money argument dozens of times without ever having the real conversation underneath it. Research shows that 58% of Australian couples report finances as a major source of conflict, and a study of over 5,500 couples found the pattern of the conversation predicted the outcome, not the financial situation.

This episode covers:

• Why money fights are almost never about the money
• The money stories we carry from childhood and how they shape every conversation about finances
• How money becomes about power, identity and influence in a relationship
• The gendered lens we bring to money conversations and why it matters
• Questions to ask your partner to open the conversation rather than shut it down
• Why curiosity before problem solving is the thing that actually changes things

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026

• https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie

• https://thetherapyhub.com.au/
• https://marievakakis.com.au/
• https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast

• https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Sex and disability. Two words most people still find uncomfortable in the same sentence. I sat down with sexologist Casey Payne to talk about what we get wrong, why pleasure belongs to everyone regardless of how their body works, and what it actually looks like to reclaim intimacy after disability, illness, or a body that's changed.

Things Discussed

• Why disability and sexuality are both taboo and what happens when you put them together
• Redefining sex beyond intercourse and why that matters for anyone whose body has changed
• The orgasm gap and why around 90 per cent of women can't orgasm through penetration alone
• How carers and parents can support sexual autonomy without having every conversation themselves
• Practical ways to start reclaiming pleasure after illness, injury, or chronic health conditions
• How to find a sexologist in Australia and what to expect

Chapter Timestamps

• [00:00] Sex and disability: why this conversation matters
• [03:00] Redefining what sex actually is
• [06:30] Body image and who sex is for
• [09:00] The orgasm gap and sex toys as tools
• [13:00] Carers, parents and adult sexuality
• [18:30] How sex education lowers abuse risk
• [22:00] Reclaiming sexuality after disability
• [26:00] Starting with pleasure, not sex
• [28:00] What sex education should look like
• [29:30] How to find a sexologist in Australia

Resources and Links

• The Body Is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor, includes a workbook
• The Orgasm Gap by Karen Gurney
• Sex Education on Netflix, seasons 1 and 2 recommended
• Society of Australian Sexologists: sexologist.org.au
• Pleasure Pixel professional development course for support workers: pleasurepixel.com.au
• Free resource on getting comfortable talking about sex: marievakakis.com.au/time-to-get-comfortable-talking-about-sex

Keep the Conversation Going

• Download the free resource at marievakakis.com.au/time-to-get-comfortable-talking-about-sex
• Got a question about sex, intimacy, or relationships? Submit it at forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 and it might feature in a future Ask Marie episode.
• If this episode resonated, share it with someone who might need it. A rating on Apple Podcasts helps more people find the show.

Guest Information

Casey Payne is a sexologist specialising in sexual health, disability, and intimacy, with a professional development course for support workers and other resources for adults at pleasurepixel.com.au.

About the Show

https://marievakakis.com.au/

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facebook.com/marievakakisconsulting

The ick in dating, it’s that moment where someone does something completely normal, and your whole body just shuts down. A 2025 study found that 64% of people have felt it, and about a quarter ended the relationship because of it. It is a real psychological phenomenon, and it might be telling you more about yourself than the person across the table.

This episode covers:

• What the ick actually is and why it happens
• Red flags versus superficial triggers
• How shame, projection and avoidant attachment show up as the ick
• Whether we are being too picky in the wrong ways and not picky enough in the right ones
• What to do when the ick shows up in your relationship

Resources:

If you want to move from reacting to reflecting, download my Conflict & Connection Guide to help you navigate those moments of disconnect.

https://marievakakis.com.au/working-with-conflict-in-couples-therapy/

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/guys-things-women-do-ick_l_65fdc42fe4b087dad305664b

Have you ever had a reaction to your partner that felt huge?

Like a ten out of ten response to something small?

You are crying over coffee.

They are confused.

You are both thinking, what just happened?

It makes sense that this feels confusing. Most couples are not fighting about the present moment. They are reacting from something older.

In this episode, I explore how your wounded child shows up in adult relationships, why conflict can feel bigger than the situation and how attachment patterns keep couples stuck in the same loop.

This is not about blame. It is about understanding the pattern.

• Why small arguments turn into big emotional reactions

• How childhood needs for safety, soothing and validation shape adult conflict

• What anxious and avoidant attachment can look like in a fight

• Why you get louder and they shut down

• What secure conflict actually feels like

• Practical steps to pause, name your needs and respond rather than react

You are not broken for reacting strongly. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling that. Often, if it feels hysterical, it is historical.

The goal is not to erase your wounds. The goal is to make sure they are not driving your adult intimacy.

Resources:

If you want more support, download the Conflict Guide and start noticing your patterns with compassion and clarity.

https://marievakakis.com.au/why-couples-keep-arguing-and-what-its-really-aboutand-what-its-really-about/

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026

https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie

https://thetherapyhub.com.au/

https://marievakakis.com.au/

https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast

https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6