Conflict can be such a painful, frustrating experience. Is it really possible to turn conflict into an opportunity to grow closer rather than it being a catalyst to push you further apart?

Both Caleb and the research think it’s possible!

This topic was spawned by the question, “How can we do conflict as if we’re passionate about solving the same problem instead of having it something that’s against each other?”

So, today we give you a new perspective on conflict – a perspective that is concrete but unique.

Fighting Together: Understanding a Collaborative Conflict Style

The first thing we want to discuss is the conflict style. People think their fighting style is part of their personality, but really it’s just much more of a habit. If you don’t have the right style, the first thing you need to do is change your style!

A very insightful study from a couple years ago helps us to understand the nature of conflict and how collaborative conflict styles compare to other styles of conflict resolution.[i]

First off, you need to understand that conflict is what happens when one person perceives the other person is frustrating their own concerns. Whenever I get in the way, prevent, obstruct or interfere with your actions – then we have conflict going on.

Inside of conflict, there are two dimensions at play. The first is assertiveness, or how concerned you are with your own outcomes. The second dimension is cooperativeness – how concerned you are with the outcomes of your spouse. The following styles describe how each dimension plays off the other.

The best style is the collaborative style. This style is high on both dimensions; it is assertive and it is cooperative. It looks like openness, the free exchange of information and a steady resolve to produce win-win solutions where the needs of both parties are met. This happens when we place equal emphasis on my interests and your interests.

There are two not-so-great styles: avoidance and accommodation. Avoidance is low on both dimensions, so you never really get to the bottom of things but you probably don’t have a lot of conflict, or else it’s not very intense. Accommodation is where you are low on assertive behaviour and high on cooperative behaviour, which will probably lead to the “doormat” feeling.

The worst style is the competitive style which is where you are high on assertiveness and low on cooperativeness.

Rather than give you our opinions about each style, we’re going to stick with the research here. A study completed in 2000 showed that a “collaborative conflict management style has the highest correlation with both marital satisfaction and spousal satisfaction with conflict management in the marriage.”[ii]

In contract, where one or both of the spouses used the competitive conflict management style, the lowest marital satisfaction was reported.

Think about your style right now. Which style do you use? The next time you find yourself in conflict, try to use the collaborative style where you’re both asserting your own needs and also attending to cooperating with your spouse’s needs. This is the start of how you shift to fighting the problem itself instead of fighting each other.

Fighting is Also About Goals

The next part that comes into play is goals. As couples, we usually have no idea this part is going on! We just talked about styles and how that impacts conflict, but we also have these goals that account for this other dimension of our conflict.

Basically, all behaviour is goal-directed, BUT, in the middle of an argument, we often don’t know what our goals are. And, just to make life more confusing for our spouse, our goals may change partway through arguments, too.

Here’s a real-life example which some of you may be able to relate to…

“Consider a relatively common conflict: a couple arguing over directions while traveling…Both partners want to get to the destination, and neither seems to benefit from arguing about direct...