If your marriage is sexless, there is a way back to rekindling intimacy. It’s not easy, but it might not be as impossible as you think, either! We’ll help you understand some potential causes and then give you some direction to start point your marriage relationship back towards the wonder and joy of sex.

The Problem of Roommate Marriages

Sexless marriages are more common than I thought. In fact, research has found that 16% of marriages identify as sexually inactive.[i] However, what is surprising is that the research is not as common as you might expect. This topic was more difficult to find research on!

The first study we found looked particularly at marriages in which one spouse greatly desired sex to be a part of the relationship, but was forced to remain involuntarily celibate (desiring sexual contact but not receiving it for 6 months) due to the wishes of their spouse. This is a common situation in sexually inactive marriages.[ii]

The 6-month mark was someone arbitrary, but the researchers suggest that the length of time one has been celibate is not as important as whether one self-defines as involuntarily celibate.[iii]

The bottom line is your marriage is sexless if your spouse thinks it is, or you do.

Another study looked at whether sexually inactive marriages were less happy and stable than those with sexual activity. Donnelly found that sexually inactive marriages were correlated with the following:

Unhappiness in the marital relationship

Increased likelihood of separation

Lack of shared activities

Few arguments over sex.

She concluded that “although sexually inactive marriages are not uncommon, they are not happy, stable marriages in which the partners simply do not have sex. Lack of sexual activity may be a danger signal for many marriages.”[iv]

Perhaps it would be more useful to think of sexual inactivity as a symptom of a problem rather than thinking it is the problem itself.

Think about it; if it doesn’t change, and your marriage remains sexless, you’re at risk of seeking to fill that cavity elsewhere. That’s not good.

Consider thinking of it as a symptom because if you take care of the relationship you’ll probably see this take care of itself. In fact, when Caleb does marriage counselling, he spends more time repairing and reawakening the bond that exists between the couple. When that secure, emotional connection is thriving again, most couples sort out the sex issues by themselves.

To those of you who are withholding sex… I want to challenge you. I get why you might be doing that, but there are consequences that I want you to be aware of. Here are some of the consequences of sexless marriages, all taken from the same study[v]:

“some of the most common responses to involuntary celibacy are sexual frustration (79%), feelings of depression (34%) or rejection (23%)”

26% report problems with concentration

35% described deficits in self-esteem that occurred as a result of being rejected.

If you’re unhappy in your marriage, I can see why you’d withhold sex to kind of force the issue or try to regain some power, but in all likelihood, it’s actually really working against you – if repairing the marriage is what you want to do.

If your husband or wife is acting like a monster, why would you want to have sex with him or her? I get that! At the same time though, withholding sex is not a successful strategy for moving towards repair. The Bible even talks about the danger of withholding sex in 1 Corinthians 7 – we’re not to do that.

Yet, I would guess the reason why you’re withholding or your spouse is, is because you want intimacy – not just sex. If your spouse is not abusive, a better strategy would be to address the lack of intimacy rather than just highlight it by withholding sexual intimacy as well.

So let’s get practical here. How are couples who find themselves in this situation supposed to move forward? There is not a lot of research on this,