For Aliens, By Aliens

These are your captains speaking. Please place your trays in the upright and locked position because we don't give a shit about turbulence. You've probably heard of the Wright brothers, but I bet you've never heard of The Rong brothers...yet. Your Earth Captain Ambassadors talk passenger negging strategy to get both of those seats to yourself, in air tomato juice, and the mile-high club. Also, plane crying? Theme song: “Eye of My Mind” by Wooky (wookyofficial.bandcamp.com)

The Earth Ambassadors must make the ultimate decision: whether or not turtles are future-worthy. Do they put the turtles and tortoises in a Jurassic Park sap for future hoomans and aliens to bring back? We'll, it certainly calls for a pros and cons list. Also, who knew turtles were tripping balls inside their shells all the time? Maybe that's why they're so super chill. Theme song: “Eye of My Mind” by Wooky (wookyofficial.bandcamp.com)

That is the age old question. And now that Jacob and Aaron have complete control over their aging process, it’s completely voluntary, at least for them. So, come play “What Droops?” with your Earth Ambassadors, and learn why it’s your obligation to murder four people before you die. Theme song: “Eye of My Mind” by Wooky (wookyofficial.bandcamp.com)

Let’s talk about time. It’s always in the background. It creeps up out of the corners of your consciousness and bookends your life. But wait, our Earth Ambassadors may have found a way to conquer the beast once and for all. What would it look like if we stood outside of time? You’re about to find out. Learn why aliens keep abducting us and find out about Jacob and Aaron’s super lucrative time-pie scheme and how it just changed the podcast game forever. Theme song: “Eye of My Mind” by Wooky (wookyofficial.bandcamp.com)

Ho ho hold on aliens, we haven't even talked about Santa Claus yet. He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, so he's probably either an alien, a dirty old stalker-man, or a Scientologist. Who knows, maybe all three. So join the Earth Ambassadors as they talk about Santa Claus, tantric presents, and the meaning of Christmas. Spoiler: Christmas was inside you the whole time…you might want to get that checked out. Theme song: “Eye of My Mind” by Wooky (wookyofficial.bandcamp.com)

Fa la la, aliens! Christmas has arrived on planet Earth, so sit down on your ambassadors’ laps and listen to the story of Christmas. Hear about how the angel Gabriel told Mary that his boss got her pregnant, learn the true identities of the three wise men, and find out why little baby Jesus was the true drop king. Theme song: “Eye of My Mind” by Wooky (wookyofficial.bandcamp.com)

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No wait, it’s just two groovy Earth ambassadors. This week, Jacob and Aaron introduce the aliens to their superhero cousins, marvel at Superman’s ability to part his hair on different sides of his head, then invent two new superheroes of their very own. Theme song: “Eye of My Mind” by Wooky (wookyofficial.bandcamp.com)

Aliens, the holiday season is upon us once again. For Earth ambassadors Jacob and Aaron, that means hiring Krampus to dispose of sub-par children, making up a brand new holiday called Tube-Stink, and bringing together Judaism and Pink Floyd through the magic of song. Theme song: “Eye of My Mind” by Wooky (wookyofficial.bandcamp.com)

Climb aboard, aliens, it’s time to learn about the original space ships: Boats! Find out how Barry White invented the first dugout canoe, then learn the ins and outs of a pentecostal pleasure cruise. Finally, hold onto your life vests -- Jacob makes an announcement that will change how you think about him forever. Theme song: “Eye of My Mind” by Wooky (wookyofficial.bandcamp.com)

Aliens, ladies, and gentlemen, get ready for four years of Trump jokes. In that vein, the ambassadors welcome friend and political expert Ben Lindsey to explain the electoral process to our extraterrestrial friends. They each share where they were when Trump became the president elect as if it were on par with 9/11 or the JFK assassination. Anyhoo, next time, rock the vote aliens. Theme song: “Eye of My Mind” by Wooky (wookyofficial.bandcamp.com)