Insecure attachment issues are very painful. Some may be familiar with John Bowlby’s attachment theory on childhood development. I talked about these in Podcast #63: Your Attachment Style, and encourage you to listen to it for an overview. Here I take the Anxious/Avoidant style a step further. Based on my own experience, and talking with hundreds of clients, the supposedly rare style of an Avoidant/Anxious/Avoidant is not so rare. This is when an independent person (avoidant) thinks they’ve found their soulmate in another avoidant, then becomes anxious that he/she will leave. This may manifest in choosing someone who likes you more than you like them (how could they possibly leave you?)so even if you have a lack of interest--it gives you something, or trying to rescue/fix someone (how can they leave if they need you?), or any number of different scenarios. The problem is, these relationships keep you avoiding YOURSELF and that’s not a place you want to live. Learn more about this style of attachment and how to break the pattern plus I also cover what true avoidant and true anxious behavior are in terms of characteristics--so you can find your style and do something about it. There’s a lot of info, so listen closely!

Our heads have the same thoughts daily, so when new information comes in (like how to fix yourself) we grab on to it thinking it's the answer. We think it over, wrapping our thoughts around it, but nothing really changes... at least not permanently. Take for example all the recent racism, hatred and violence. These aren’t products of the heart, love or compassion. It was all learned at the level of the mind. Most of us are cut off from our deeper feelings, of knowing who we are or what we truly want, and it keeps us stuck in a state of lack. A lack of clarity, courage, and deep resilience tells us we can’t do anything to change our lives, especially if we have a major attachment to someone or something. Fear operates in the mind, so if you want to change your life, your actions and your feelings (good or bad), listen to this show. Isn't it time to for real change?

Our heads have the same thoughts daily, so when new information comes in (like how to fix yourself) we grab on to it thinking it's the answer. We think it over, wrapping our thoughts around it, but nothing really changes... at least not permanently. Take for example all the recent racism, hatred and violence. These aren’t products of the heart, love or compassion. It was all learned at the level of the mind. Most of us are cut off from our deeper feelings, of knowing who we are or what we truly want, and it keeps us stuck in a state of lack. A lack of clarity, courage, and deep resilience tells us we can’t do anything to change our lives, especially if we have a major attachment to someone or something. Fear operates in the mind, so if you want to change your life, your actions and your feelings (good or bad), listen to this show. Isn't it time to for real change?

*BONUS TRACK* Break-ups are hard. We may go numb, live in denial or feel powerless. If we’re insecurely attached, we are likely unable to see beyond the lack/scarcity that we believe a break-up will bring. What if there is no one else? That thought can be friggin’ scary, and it keeps us stuck in that same pattern of scarcity. When we are so attached to the other person that we can’t connect with our deeper feelings, a break-up is seriously hard to do. The trick is to focus on what you’re gaining instead of losing… and that’s what this bonus podcast is about.

*BONUS TRACK* Break-ups are hard. We may go numb, live in denial or feel powerless. If we’re insecurely attached, we are likely unable to see beyond the lack/scarcity that we believe a break-up will bring. What if there is no one else? That thought can be friggin’ scary, and it keeps us stuck in that same pattern of scarcity. When we are so attached to the other person that we can’t connect with our deeper feelings, a break-up is seriously hard to do. The trick is to focus on what you’re gaining instead of losing… and that’s what this bonus podcast is about.

You've broken up. Perhaps it was today, weeks ago, months ago or years ago, but you’ve already done what most people think is the hard part: actually breaking up. If you're avoidant, you might have compartmentalized your feelings, trying to erratically cope with feeling like crap, and think you have “moved on”. Or perhaps you're invested in the life of your ex, following him/her on social media, remaining friendly or staying in some sort of painful contact.

When coping with insecure attachment, many of us try to keep reliving the relationship, which just brings up the pain over and over again. So how do you make a breakup emotionally healthy, and view it as an opportunity for growth? I’ll share some ways to move beyond basic survival into feeling good about yourself in the breakup aftermath.

You've broken up. Perhaps it was today, weeks ago, months ago or years ago, but you’ve already done what most people think is the hard part: actually breaking up. If you're avoidant, you might have compartmentalized your feelings, trying to erratically cope with feeling like crap, and think you have “moved on”. Or perhaps you're invested in the life of your ex, following him/her on social media, remaining friendly or staying in some sort of painful contact.

When coping with insecure attachment, many of us try to keep reliving the relationship, which just brings up the pain over and over again. So how do you make a breakup emotionally healthy, and view it as an opportunity for growth? I’ll share some ways to move beyond basic survival into feeling good about yourself in the breakup aftermath.

Do you create unrealistic expectations for relationships, jobs, etc? We often concoct stories that support the situation we WANT to exist, when they’re really just fantasy. We get attached to someone when we use mental checkboxes--they check off 3 or 4 and we believe they're our soulmate. Nevermind the red flags we ignore because we don’t want to accept the reality of the situation. We’re attached to an illusion, and it doesn’t just happen with intimate relationships. It can show up with friends, jobs, houses (yep!) and more. We hold onto the idea of something so strongly that we can’t let go and see the reality. Join me to learn how it shows up and what to do about it!

Do you create unrealistic expectations for relationships, jobs, etc? We often concoct stories that support the situation we WANT to exist, when they’re really just fantasy. We get attached to someone when we use mental checkboxes--they check off 3 or 4 and we believe they're our soulmate. Nevermind the red flags we ignore because we don’t want to accept the reality of the situation. We’re attached to an illusion, and it doesn’t just happen with intimate relationships. It can show up with friends, jobs, houses (yep!) and more. We hold onto the idea of something so strongly that we can’t let go and see the reality. Join me to learn how it shows up and what to do about it!

How often do you put the feelings of others ahead of your own? Maybe more often than you’d like to admit. For me, it started when I was young; my mom’s feelings were always top priority. Then guess what happened down the line in relationships with men? Yep, the same thing. The problem is, we build up resentment when we don’t honor ourselves. We also train people how to treat us. If we put the needs of others ahead of our own, they learn to expect that, which just reinforces the pattern. Insecure attachment rears its head in our adult relationships; we never trust what we feel. Listen to how this showed up in my life (over and over--you’re certainly not alone), then learn what you can do RIGHT NOW to honor your feelings and break the cycle. I even have a download to reference: Six Steps to Owning Your Feelings. Download here: http://bit.ly/1sK5phq