Freedom from Attachment

This week’s podcast was born on a walk and will resonate with so many - ‘I Want Someone to Love Me Even Though I’m Never Going to Be Okay’ – is for you whether you’re in a relationship or you’re still looking for the right one.

Giving yourself permission to not be okay (or to just be you) is a really steep hill to climb. At the base level we are ALL human beings and we’re never going to be perfect. Once we recognize our own human-ness and we accept that we’re not going to be perfect we learn to trust ourselves.

Spend this time with me and walk through the ‘ring of fire’ to become your own authentic self.

Sound intriguing? Press play now….

Narcissism is an over-used label in our society, yet I keep reading articles about empaths attracting narcissists. For the sake of this podcast, I refer to empaths as people who are able to intuitively feel others, and narcissists as those exhibiting extreme egotism (not Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which is a mental condition).

In the empath attracting the narcissist scenario, where the empath is the victim and the narcissist is the big, bad wolf… both people are actually avoidants. The empath tries to fix the narcissist, who has no interest in giving anything back. There’s no emotional intimacy in this situation because we’re in attachment territory.

This podcast builds off previous ones on attachment and avoidant behavior, and I’ll give you a few pointers on what you can do if you find yourself in this empath/narcissist tug-of-war.

Narcissism is an over-used label in our society, yet I keep reading articles about empaths attracting narcissists. For the sake of this podcast, I refer to empaths as people who are able to intuitively feel others, and narcissists as those exhibiting extreme egotism (not Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which is a mental condition).

In the empath attracting the narcissist scenario, where the empath is the victim and the narcissist is the big, bad wolf… both people are actually avoidants. The empath tries to fix the narcissist, who has no interest in giving anything back. There’s no emotional intimacy in this situation because we’re in attachment territory.

This podcast builds off previous ones on attachment and avoidant behavior, and I’ll give you a few pointers on what you can do if you find yourself in this empath/narcissist tug-of-war.

Manipulation is a sneaky word and we tend to use it when someone is being outwardly manipulative, but many of us are like this all the time when we are seeking validation. When we hide behind a facade, playing the part someone else wants us to play (or we assume they want us to play), we manipulate to be accepted. At the same time, we fear being exposed for who we really are, because we've never learned how to accept ourselves. It's always been more important for others to accept us. Manipulation of others and how they see you is not self-acceptance, it’s control.

Learn all the ways manipulation shows up, and how to stop hiding behind it, so you can have relationships built on who you are, what you want and get unstuck from a state of insecure attachment to a dysfunctional situation.

Manipulation is a sneaky word and we tend to use it when someone is being outwardly manipulative, but many of us are like this all the time when we are seeking validation. When we hide behind a facade, playing the part someone else wants us to play (or we assume they want us to play), we manipulate to be accepted. At the same time, we fear being exposed for who we really are, because we've never learned how to accept ourselves. It's always been more important for others to accept us. Manipulation of others and how they see you is not self-acceptance, it’s control.

Learn all the ways manipulation shows up, and how to stop hiding behind it, so you can have relationships built on who you are, what you want and get unstuck from a state of insecure attachment to a dysfunctional situation.

You know the type of sex I'm talking about, where the amazing intensity keeps you hooked, and you can't seem to let go no matter what! Abandonment, emptiness, and not feeling your life (or your value on a deeper level) can make this a toxic and anxious place to stay stuck. No matter what your life looks like on the outside, the inside feels controlled by this relationship.

But it’s not just the fear of abandonment that makes the sex great, it may also be the only place where you have intimacy in your life. That connection of being seen and validated. You crave it, and sex is where you get it, leaving a crack open for vulnerability. But then it closes up again.

So what can you do? Unless you understand these deeper drivers, you can stay stuck here forever. And it’s not about words or even action in this case… it’s about how you FEEL. Many of us don’t know our true feelings. Because we’re so caught up in the sex, we’re not connected to our truth.

You know the type of sex I'm talking about, where the amazing intensity keeps you hooked, and you can't seem to let go no matter what! Abandonment, emptiness, and not feeling your life (or your value on a deeper level) can make this a toxic and anxious place to stay stuck. No matter what your life looks like on the outside, the inside feels controlled by this relationship.

But it’s not just the fear of abandonment that makes the sex great, it may also be the only place where you have intimacy in your life. That connection of being seen and validated. You crave it, and sex is where you get it, leaving a crack open for vulnerability. But then it closes up again.

So what can you do? Unless you understand these deeper drivers, you can stay stuck here forever. And it’s not about words or even action in this case… it’s about how you FEEL. Many of us don’t know our true feelings. Because we’re so caught up in the sex, we’re not connected to our truth.

Are you avoiding love? It’s likely because you’re afraid of losing yourself; of being engulfed. I’ve spoken before about the Drama Triangle (Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor), developed by psychiatrist Steven Karpman. When you avoid intimacy, it’s easy to become the victim—why won’t he/she love me? And when you’re not in that role, you can quickly slide into being the persecutor or rescuer. But where does the drive to play these roles (and avoid love) come from? The fear of abandonment.

Any position that makes you feel powerless puts you on the Triangle. If you find yourself caught in this cycle, feeling you can’t trust yourself yet unable to let go of this way of operating, listen in to learn one thing you can do right NOW to change it. It’s time to get off the Triangle.

Related podcast:

The Not-So-Rare Anxious/Avoidant

Are you avoiding love? It’s likely because you’re afraid of losing yourself; of being engulfed. I’ve spoken before about the Drama Triangle (Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor), developed by psychiatrist Steven Karpman. When you avoid intimacy, it’s easy to become the victim—why won’t he/she love me? And when you’re not in that role, you can quickly slide into being the persecutor or rescuer. But where does the drive to play these roles (and avoid love) come from? The fear of abandonment.

Any position that makes you feel powerless puts you on the Triangle. If you find yourself caught in this cycle, feeling you can’t trust yourself yet unable to let go of this way of operating, listen in to learn one thing you can do right NOW to change it. It’s time to get off the Triangle.

Related podcast:

The Not-So-Rare Anxious/Avoidant

I really wanted to call this "Fear is a _______". It's very clear we live in a society built on it. Not just a global fear, but an individual fear. Fear does not cause love and love does not cause fear, so if you want anything to change, move toward abundance. Abundance equals safety where scarcity equals fear. Make sense?

History repeats itself with fear. It's constant, and for me, I do not wish to make the same decisions over and over again just because I'm afraid. I see there being a choice and an opportunity to change.

All of the negative beliefs we have which create a sense of lack, abandonment, or feeling different, are created in our early years.

We are not born this way. And so this brief episode is about all the ways fear shows up, and a ton of tips on how to work with it. How to really shift from being controlled by fear on the outside, to flipping it so it comes from a place of peace, inner wisdom and compassion.

Listen in to learn more about where fear rules (and it’s not just people who have different beliefs than you). Become aware and move away from this overwhelming trend toward scarcity, pain and the same old history!