Freedom from Attachment

You've broken up. Perhaps it was today, weeks ago, months ago or years ago, but you’ve already done what most people think is the hard part: actually breaking up. If you're avoidant, you might have compartmentalized your feelings, trying to erratically cope with feeling like crap, and think you have “moved on”. Or perhaps you're invested in the life of your ex, following him/her on social media, remaining friendly or staying in some sort of painful contact.

When coping with insecure attachment, many of us try to keep reliving the relationship, which just brings up the pain over and over again. So how do you make a breakup emotionally healthy, and view it as an opportunity for growth? I’ll share some ways to move beyond basic survival into feeling good about yourself in the breakup aftermath.

Do you create unrealistic expectations for relationships, jobs, etc? We often concoct stories that support the situation we WANT to exist, when they’re really just fantasy. We get attached to someone when we use mental checkboxes--they check off 3 or 4 and we believe they're our soulmate. Nevermind the red flags we ignore because we don’t want to accept the reality of the situation. We’re attached to an illusion, and it doesn’t just happen with intimate relationships. It can show up with friends, jobs, houses (yep!) and more. We hold onto the idea of something so strongly that we can’t let go and see the reality. Join me to learn how it shows up and what to do about it!

Do you create unrealistic expectations for relationships, jobs, etc? We often concoct stories that support the situation we WANT to exist, when they’re really just fantasy. We get attached to someone when we use mental checkboxes--they check off 3 or 4 and we believe they're our soulmate. Nevermind the red flags we ignore because we don’t want to accept the reality of the situation. We’re attached to an illusion, and it doesn’t just happen with intimate relationships. It can show up with friends, jobs, houses (yep!) and more. We hold onto the idea of something so strongly that we can’t let go and see the reality. Join me to learn how it shows up and what to do about it!

How often do you put the feelings of others ahead of your own? Maybe more often than you’d like to admit. For me, it started when I was young; my mom’s feelings were always top priority. Then guess what happened down the line in relationships with men? Yep, the same thing. The problem is, we build up resentment when we don’t honor ourselves. We also train people how to treat us. If we put the needs of others ahead of our own, they learn to expect that, which just reinforces the pattern. Insecure attachment rears its head in our adult relationships; we never trust what we feel. Listen to how this showed up in my life (over and over--you’re certainly not alone), then learn what you can do RIGHT NOW to honor your feelings and break the cycle. I even have a download to reference: Six Steps to Owning Your Feelings. Download here: http://bit.ly/1sK5phq

How often do you put the feelings of others ahead of your own? Maybe more often than you’d like to admit. For me, it started when I was young; my mom’s feelings were always top priority. Then guess what happened down the line in relationships with men? Yep, the same thing. The problem is, we build up resentment when we don’t honor ourselves. We also train people how to treat us. If we put the needs of others ahead of our own, they learn to expect that, which just reinforces the pattern. Insecure attachment rears its head in our adult relationships; we never trust what we feel. Listen to how this showed up in my life (over and over--you’re certainly not alone), then learn what you can do RIGHT NOW to honor your feelings and break the cycle. I even have a download to reference: Six Steps to Owning Your Feelings. Download here: http://bit.ly/1sK5phq

A big fear many of us have is to appear needy; we equate it with weakness. We try to hide it, but it shows up in weird ways. Controlling others doesn't help, especially with insecurity around attachment. Feelings of loneliness, distress, and anxiety can make us believe it is something outside of us causing it. While these may trigger neediness, it’s not the cause.

Even the most willing partner will not be able to change your feelings, so join me to learn how to feel more in control of yourself emotionally. It's all about finding peace so you can feel confident and happy in a healthy relationship.

A big fear many of us have is to appear needy; we equate it with weakness. We try to hide it, but it shows up in weird ways. Controlling others doesn't help, especially with insecurity around attachment. Feelings of loneliness, distress, and anxiety can make us believe it is something outside of us causing it. While these may trigger neediness, it’s not the cause.

Even the most willing partner will not be able to change your feelings, so join me to learn how to feel more in control of yourself emotionally. It's all about finding peace so you can feel confident and happy in a healthy relationship.

A lifetime hunt for safety by overachieving, over-pleasing, perfectionism and pushing for love. Tiring and anxiety provoking, right? Ending up with people who will NOT give you what you need. We may subconsciously feel others have to prove themselves before we can trust and then we really never do trust…instead we open ourselves up to being with someone who we are attached to and that we hope (but know) will probably disappoint us. All the issues around safety stem from the insecurity around security! Insecure attachment is at it again! Listen in to gain some tools around what you NEED to start feeling safe no matter who you're with or if you're single.

A lifetime hunt for safety by overachieving, over-pleasing, perfectionism and pushing for love. Tiring and anxiety provoking, right? Ending up with people who will NOT give you what you need. We may subconsciously feel others have to prove themselves before we can trust and then we really never do trust…instead we open ourselves up to being with someone who we are attached to and that we hope (but know) will probably disappoint us. All the issues around safety stem from the insecurity around security! Insecure attachment is at it again! Listen in to gain some tools around what you NEED to start feeling safe no matter who you're with or if you're single.

Previous podcasts on insecure attachment have covered a few themes. The good news is it is not a life sentence! It requires a completely different kind of commitment to work through its auto-pilot ways. It can be insidious because it shows up in so many scenarios... leaving us wondering if we're in control of what we want.

Insecure attachment is at the core of the following:

• I am perfectly happy in my single life, then I meet someone and I lose my mind.

• Why can't I leave? Or let go of an old love?

• Why can’t I commit?

• Why do I walk on eggshells?

• Why am I living my Plan B life?

All of these are founded in not having secure connections, the ones we didn't make when we were young, still affecting us as we get older. I could identify myself in each of those statements at different points of my life. What about you?