Freedom from Attachment

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I talk with author, podcaster and intimate photographer Jen Rozenbaum. After a miscarriage and life-threatening ectopic pregnancy, Jen needed to direct her energy into something creative, so she picked up a camera and taught herself photography. When a client asked for a boudoir photo, Jen really connected with it, and later learned that many women who seek out intimate photos are suffering from infertility or other issues around femininity. These sessions were healing, both for Jen and her clients. And she didn’t know it at the time, but it was all practice for her real darkest moment… a breast cancer diagnosis in 2017. Something she found, ironically, while noticing a shadow on her self-portrait.

Going through surgery and chemo wasn’t the darkest part of her journey, however; it was post-treatment. Jen didn’t trust life and mourned the person she was prior to cancer. She wasn’t that person anymore. There was a lot of shame associated with both her fertility struggles and cancer, worried people may think she had done something to deserve it. She now shares those difficulties openly and authentically via her podcast, and through Instagram self-portraits. She also continues connecting with women through intimate photography, helping them be shamelessly feminine. Learn more about Jen at https://jenrozenbaum.com/ and https://www.shamelesslyfeminine.com/. Follow her photography on Instagram: @jenrozenbaum.

Do you put up with complicated relationships? “It’s Complicated” as a relationship status is a bit of a cultural joke because it rings true so often, but does it have to be that way? Is it fun to feel frustrated and misunderstood? Or put forth a lot of effort and feel the other person isn’t pulling their weight? Then why choose to have those people in your life? This isn’t just about intimate relationships; it can extend to friends and family as well. Perhaps you believe some relationships are inherently complicated and it’s just something to live with.

If you’re in a relationship with someone who is married, it may “work” for both of you, but you label it as complicated. You figure that’s just how these relationships go and convince yourself it’s ok, but you’re not truly happy. When you believe it’s something you need to accept and deal with, you absolve yourself of the responsibility for choosing to be there. It also serves as a cover for avoiding your deeper emotions. If that’s the way things are, no need to connect with your feelings about it, right? Unfortunately that just discounts and invalidates how you feel, and when you do this, you will never be satisfied with your situation. Relationships are only complicated if you allow them to be.

Do you struggle with where you are in life, wishing you were somewhere else? Maybe you think there is something wrong with where you are and you want to change it… NOW. But if you try to change without accepting where you are, you’ll stay stuck. You don’t have to like where you are, but you have to surrender to the fact that you don’t make the money you want or you aren’t in the relationship you want or you don’t have the job you want. Where you are is the result of many small decisions, so if you chose the path to get here, you can choose a different one to get out. You create what you wake up to every day.

It's easy to complain about what you don’t like, but there is no power in that. You’ll never get where you want to go and will be left with a sense of longing. If you hate your job, accept that fact. Stop fighting against it or wishing it were different. Maybe it’s the best option for you right now. Again, you don’t have to like it to accept it. The pain you’re in is driven by your resistance to it, so stop resisting. When you accept and allow, you actually get what you want.

Feelings are messy. They cause disagreements, fights, problems, etc. You think it’s easier to just compartmentalize, ignore or numb them… but can you? Imagine for a moment that you set aside your uncomfortable feelings. Then what? If you go along to get along, will life be rosy? If you cease to have an opinion and agree with whatever anyone says, will everyone be happier? You may think it’s easier to acquiesce, but it comes at a great cost to you. When you shove your feelings aside, you disconnect from part of yourself. You teach yourself that your feelings don’t have value.

If you were invalidated as a kid, believing your feelings were wrong, you might develop a pattern of masking them because it’s easier. But feelings don’t vanish because you want them to, no matter how much you push them down. Denying them for the sake of others builds anger and contributes to your existing pile of negative emotions. Your feelings will make other people unhappy at times, and that’s ok. You don’t have control over those people, but you DO have control over your own well-being. Honor your emotions and allow them. If you need help with that, I have a download below.

When people give lip service to “I’m sorry,” it loses its meaning. In fact, some people put a lot of weight on it. For the words to mean something, they need to come with ownership and self-responsibility. Prodding someone doesn’t feel good, and neither does someone wanting an apology from you that you don’t feel inclined to give. You can’t force a meaningful apology out of someone, so if you’re trying to do this, ask yourself why.

This happens a lot with breakups. If you’re devastated over the end of your relationship, you may want your ex to acknowledge your pain and say they are sorry for what they’ve done to you. You believe this will give you a sense of closure, but you’re putting an awful lot of importance on words that may be empty, which won’t make you feel any better. Sorry is meaningless without self-responsibility and you can’t force someone to own the wrong you feel they’ve done (especially if they feel differently). Instead, look for where you can take responsibility in the situation and why you feel owed—what do you think it will do for you? When you own your role, you become less dependent on empty apologies.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I talk with Sarah Prout, co-founder of the Manifesting Academy and host of the Journey to Manifesting podcast. Sarah was the victim of domestic violence in her 20s, but it was actually her husband’s destruction of her clothes and other possessions—not his physical abuse—that led her to finally call the police. Once on her own, she and her two children lived below the poverty line. Sarah, however, found gratitude in every blessing, from putting dinner on the table to having a pillow to sleep on.

Gratitude through adversity allowed the next steps of her life to unfold. While on welfare, she built a community online organically and learned about the power of abundance… something you can have without a penny to your name. Now she combines abundance with manifesting to help millions of others create magic in their lives. Sarah believes that you manifest through your connection to The Universe and empowering your emotions. Learn more about her work at https://sarahprout.com/

When you’re in pain, do you feel like no one cares? If you didn’t receive emotional support as a kid, you probably grew up believing your feelings didn’t matter, yet you desperately wanted them acknowledged. On the flip side, you probably go to great lengths to cater to other people’s feelings because you have learned theirs matter more than yours. Being caught in this cycle of validating other people’s pain while talking yourself out of your own is a sucky place to live.

Let’s say your mom never calls, yet expects you to call, visit, etc. You’re hurt because her feelings and desires always take priority over yours. And if you bring it up, she gets defensive, putting it back on you. You learn to keep quiet and may actually feel guilt around expressing your feelings. Putting the responsibility on someone else to validate how you feel is a powerless position to be in. YOU have to decide your feelings matter, and that they aren’t any less important than someone else’s. Your pain is real and having it doesn’t make you wrong or weak, even if no one else acknowledges it.

Blaming others is a way of avoiding responsibility, but what if YOU are the one who is blamed? And what if you’re blamed for something you didn’t do? If you were blamed a lot as a kid by your parents, siblings, friends, etc., it is probably a trigger for you as an adult. Maybe you feel like you have a magnet inside, attracting situations where you end up as the fall guy for stuff you didn’t do. Those magnets are often negative beliefs like “I am bad,” or “I am wrong,” or “I deserve misfortune.” It can also lead to overcompensation where you rescue others and people-please to prove you really are a good person.

Maybe you’re blamed for dropping the ball on a project when it was someone else’s responsibility. You get yelled at for something your co-worker said he/she would do, but didn’t. You bend over backwards trying to fix things, even though it’s not your problem to fix, because you feel awful and want to avoid further blame. Maybe your negative beliefs even convince you it IS your fault. If you’re blamed for something you didn’t do, realize it’s about the other person and their issues (often insecurity). It’s heavy, it’s not yours and you don’t need to take it on.

You may think boundaries are set for the benefit of others, and get angry when they aren’t followed. But you probably go against your own boundaries all the time without realizing it. People take their cues from how you treat yourself, so if you’re upset about putting in extra effort despite expressing your need for help and you keep doing it, look at how you continue to pick up the slack. If your partner is constantly making plans with you at the last minute, despite you asking him/her to plan ahead, you have to ask why you stay in a relationship with yourself where you are disrespecting you which is then reflected in this relationship where you don’t feel like a priority. Even if you yell at them or punish them for their unacceptable behavior, you’re still allowing it to happen, because you are not respecting you.

Boundaries are not the responsibility of others, they are yours. If your boundaries aren’t being respected, look at whether YOU are respecting them. Telling someone what you want or what is acceptable is not enough; you need to back it up with action in how you treat yourself. Show them, don’t tell them. If you have to tell someone you have to ask yourself again, “What am I doing here?” Start treating yourself the way you want to be treated. And if your actions DO support your boundaries but someone isn’t respecting them, it’s probably time to make a new choice in that relationship.

“Are you doing what you love?” is not a simple question, nor is it a magical road without potholes. People complain all the time about being unhappy in their job or relationship, yet do nothing about it. Complaining is easy; action is very uncomfortable. If you don’t believe in yourself you may be waiting for someone to tell you that you’re good enough, or to give you permission to jump. Playing the waiting game is fear-based. Do you want to live from a place of fear or a place of love?

If you don’t want the same life, you have to do something different. There is no other way. Fear and negative beliefs hold you back much more than any external factor, so once you identify your internal obstacles, you can work though them. Otherwise you’ll be talking about the same dream to the same friends who secretly roll their eyes at you. They want to be supportive, but they are tired of hearing what you want, and then watching you do nothing to have it. Taking action is hard, so start small. What do you enjoy that you’re not doing right now? Go in that direction. If you feel a lack of confidence, be ok with it and take action from that place. Do what you love with NO confidence and from there it will build. It’s your life. What exactly are you waiting for?