Freedom from Attachment

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I talk with Guy Finley, bestselling author of more than 45 books and founder of Life of Learning Foundation, a nonprofit Center for Spiritual Discovery. Guy wasn’t raised in an environment that encouraged his precocious existential questions like "Why are we here?" He grew up in a show business family where wealth and success confused him because the adults around him seemed so afraid and angry.

At age 17 Guy received a football scholarship to USC. It was an extraordinary achievement for a junior, but he lost that scholarship when a tackle left one of his legs paralyzed from the knee down. Guy sunk deep into his own pain, wondering who we was without a football scholarship. It wasn’t until a friend pointed out that all he did was talk about himself that Guy realized how egocentric he had become. That conversation was a turning point, leading him on a journey to explore our dysfunctional and denying nature. He believes pain is not to be avoided, and that something rich can come out of it—even paralysis, which we wouldn’t trade for all the money in the world. Today Guy gives talks at his Life of Learning Foundation, is a faculty member at the Omega Institute and has just released his newest book, "Relationship Magic: Waking Up Together."

People cherry pick conversations because they want to avoid the elephant in the room. If someone brings up a topic you’re trying to steer clear of, you may get defensive or change the subject. It’s classic Avoidant behavior and it often comes from wanting to project a certain façade. If you want to look like the perfect parent, for example, you probably won’t ask your kids questions that would elicit answers to the contrary, like times when you disappointed them. You fear judgment from others, but it’s really the judge in your head that’s causing you to deflect and avoid.

This can happen in relationships when there is a question about “where things are headed.” You don’t want to ask because you’re afraid of the answer, so you avoid the topic all together and pretend everything is great. You think you are avoiding pain, but you are trading that for a lifetime of heavy feelings like anxiety, guilt and shame. Avoiding what you don’t want to hear doesn’t make your desired reality true. To shoo the elephant away, step into the conversations you’ve been avoiding. Otherwise that proverbial animal will just grow bigger.

Most people don’t like confrontation, avoiding it like the plague. It’s a way of hiding out. It’s also a stressful way to live because it creates a lot of internal and external drama. You may be afraid that someone will get mad at you, judge you or even leave you. It’s easier to keep quiet than to speak up and deal with any potential consequence, right? Better to have everyone think you’re this great, easy-going person. You don’t want to be known as a pot stirrer or bad guy. Who want’s that around?

By not having difficult conversations, however, you actually create the drama, guilt and anxiety you are trying to avoid. Those emotions are heavy and you end up carrying them with you. Confrontation is uncomfortable because you’re afraid of what may happen. You want to control how other people feel about you… but you can’t. Trying to keep the peace or make other people happy comes at the expense of your own well-being. You pay a hefty price for going along to get along. Are you sure it’s worth it?

Are you stuck in a state of limbo, waiting for something to change? Maybe you’re in a dysfunctional relationship, hoping your partner will make a decision for the both of you. You’re physically present, but don’t look at why you are choosing to stay while doing nothing to improve things. Let’s say you’re married and resent your spouse for not communicating, never wanting to do anything fun, etc. But you don’t leave… and you also don’t work on the relationship. You exist in this half in/half out state, never addressing your fear around choosing to leave or emotionally committing to the relationship. Maybe you don’t want to make a wrong choice, or you feel lost and confused, but not making a choice about your relationship is actually a choice.

Limbo-land creates its own drama and it can keep you stuck for a very long time, waiting for a sign that never comes. If you find yourself occupying this middle ground, look at your fear around making a decision. What are you avoiding by staying where you are? How does it keep you safe? Instead of blaming your partner or outside circumstances, ask yourself what YOU are doing to create your reality. You can spend your whole life teetering on the fence, staying miserably stuck because you’re afraid to make a move. Or you can pick a side, jump with both feet in and actually live.

As a partner, friend or parent you can always share your opinion and suggest what you would do in their situation, but you can never truly force them to do something. It’s ultimately their choice. Even with the parent/child relationship where you do have some control over their actions, you can’t crawl inside their head and change what they believe. You can hope they eventually see your wisdom, but whether or not that happens is up to them. A person’s mind can only be changed if they do it themselves.

In some cases, there might be an opening, so encouragement can give them confidence to take action, but the choice is still theirs. When you force someone’s hand, even if your intentions are good, you run the risk of pushing that person away and creating emotional distance. You can make your kids to go to church or to a different school, but you can’t make them love it. In fact, you can sometimes do the opposite by creating resentment. If you find yourself in this situation, come from a place of sharing your experience and why it’s important to you without forcing your opinion or will. Provide encouragement, then step back and give them the space to make their own decision.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with coach, speaker and creator of Her Bold Voice, Kim Boudreau Smith. Growing up Kim learned to be seen and not heard. She became a corporate “yes” woman, living her life based on how other people thought she should live it. This contributed to low self-esteem, perfectionism, excessive exercising and an anxiety disorder. Then at the age of 48, an exhausted Kim fell asleep at a stoplight in broad daylight. This “wake-up” call forced her to look at why she was so unfulfilled and ungrateful for what she had. She was afraid that if she didn’t start opening up and getting honest with herself, she might not see her 50th birthday.

One source of shame Kim confronted was her education, so at the age of 50 she got her high school diploma, followed by her Associates Degree and coaching certification. She learned how to have a relationship with her inner critic (who she calls the hag in the attic), acknowledging her presence but not letting her run the show. Now she helps other high level achievers do the same—to quiet their own inner critic, come from a place of truth and step into their own bold voice. Learn more about Kim at https://kimbsmith.com/.

Have you ever gotten to the point in a relationship where you can’t stand things anymore? Maybe it’s a past relationship—or something you’re going through right now. No matter what you do or how much effort you put in, nothing changes, yet you hope your situation will improve or your partner will suddenly wake up. When you’re in an attached relationship you often have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship is supposed to be, so eventually you decide you’re done. It’s an intellectual decision because you think the problem lies with your partner, yet you still have an emotional attachment. You’re done, but you’re not DONE.

When you end a relationship prematurely, you continue to suffer. You think ending it will solve everything and things will be different when you’re apart. The next relationship will be better… only it isn’t because you are still the same person. You find yourself in another unhappy relationship that you end up leaving because you never worked through your issues.

When you start taking responsibility for yourself and how you show up in a relationship, you can see it isn’t all about what your partner did “wrong” or why they were the “bad guy.” And when you acknowledge your feelings instead of avoiding them, you’re able to work through what’s going on inside so you can show up differently in your next relationship. If not, you’ll end up repeating old patterns.

Do you feel restless in some area of your life? Maybe you’re avoiding something. And instead of focusing on what you’re avoiding, you direct your attention toward some bright shiny object you believe is the answer. All your effort is put in that direction—you’ve figured it out! But as you eventually discover, it’s not the answer you thought it was. That’s because you’re solving the wrong problem, and the longer you chase this bright shiny object, the longer you avoid what’s really going on.

Let’s say you and your partner are both checked out of your relationship, but instead of talking openly about how you’re feeling, you talk about moving. If you moved into a bigger house, farther away from the hustle and bustle, everything would be better. That extra space would lead to fewer arguments. You’d justify your move to friends: lots of parks nearby! Even if you have never mentioned parks being important to you before, you dig your heels in. Yep, moving is the answer to your relationship woes and you can’t wait until escrow closes. Then you move and a few months later you’re both checked out again.

When you think the answer to your problem is what you don’t have, that missing piece will serve as a distraction to what the real problem is… which is always internal. You can spend your whole life chasing your tail by fixing the wrong problems, while your emotional state never shifts. Change can certainly be good, but only if it’s a reflection of what you’re feeling inside, not a distraction from it. So when you feel yourself drawn to something that appears to be the answer, slow down and look for internal feelings of intensity or anxiety that make you want to run toward it. Then ask yourself if there is something you’re avoiding.

Depending on someone else for your emotional needs is a powerless position… but being a servant to someone else’s needs is just as powerless. I’m not talking about being supportive or caring, both of which are important in a healthy relationship. I’m talking about assuming the responsibility of someone else’s emotional well-being, and vice versa. The problem is that even if it makes them feel good in the moment, it won’t last because you can’t make up for what they don’t provide for themselves.

If you don’t feel like a priority in your relationship, believing everything and everyone else comes before you, you probably build up resentment because your needs aren’t being fulfilled. Maybe one night he/she makes dinner to show that you’re special, which feels great in the moment, but the next day things go back to normal. Your remain in this unhappy place because you are relying on your partner to make you feel important instead of looking at where you don’t make yourself (or your feelings) a priority.

When you take care of someone else’s emotional needs, or rely on them to take care of yours, your happiness will always be temporary. And it’s a powerless position because no one, I repeat NO ONE, is responsible for your happiness but you. Believing otherwise will lead you down a frustrating, unfulfilling road. Give yourself what you need first. That’s the only way you will be able to authentically give and receive emotional support with a partner.

Shame is a universal emotion, but it is based on our own personal stories. Long ago you developed stories of right and wrong; good and evil. You then used those stories to direct your behavior. If you acted “wrongly” according to your story, shame likely resulted. Because shame is painful, you avoid it or blame someone else for how you feel. Shame may stop you from taking action because of anticipated failure. Everyone makes mistakes, but it’s your story about right and wrong that triggers your individual shame. When you’re able to recognize shame as a product of your story rather than a universal right or wrong, it becomes easier to break apart.

Let’s say a friend told you a secret about someone, but later you learned that friend told a bunch of other people… so you figured it wasn’t really a secret. As a result, you told someone else in your friend group, but when it got back to the person who told you, she got really upset. Everyone turned against you, so you felt shame based on your story that you’re a bad person. You’re not objectively a bad person, but shame feeds into that belief about yourself. Someone else may shrug it off, not feeling any shame because they didn’t believe they did anything wrong. Your stories will control you if you don’t realize they are the source of your shame, which can lead to a life of limitation and playing small. Break down the stories, realizing they aren’t universal truths, and you can start to ease those shameful feelings.