Freedom from Attachment

When you make a mistake or don’t want to feel bad about your choices, do you pin it on someone else? It’s their fault, they are the one to blame, they did it wrong. Not taking responsibility for your words and actions does not endear you to other people, nor draw you closer. This behavior usually manifests in avoidants who have a hard time accepting criticism and disappointing others. Instead of feeling the negative emotions around doing something wrong, avoidants prefer to put it on someone else.

Let’s say your best friend organized a dinner with a few people you don’t really like. Initially it didn’t bother you so you committed to going, but as the day approached you really didn’t want to see them. Instead of dealing with your feelings and accepting responsibility for your choice, you yell at your friend for inviting them. Understandably your friend feels attacked so she tells you not to come. You get what you want (not having to go), but it could have gone much better if you were honest with her about not wanting to see those people and choosing not to go.

If you want to be close to people, you have to take responsibility for your choices. When you find yourself blaming, stop and ask what you’re afraid of. Are you afraid people will know you aren’t perfect? Afraid of letting someone down? Find the fear, then speak what is true for you rather than creating stories about how someone “made” you do something. YOU are the only one responsible for your well-being.

We all know change is hard. You say you want to quit your job or get into a relationship, but you don’t take the necessary steps to get there. Something in your past has made moving forward feel unsafe, so you wait for a sense of safety to descend upon you. Only it doesn’t happen. When you wait, you give your power away to something outside yourself that you have no control over. And opportunities that once existed may be gone by the time you start to make a move.

Let’s say you want to quit your job, but you wait until you feel safe enough to take the leap—maybe a sign or another job offer. Then you get fired and start to panic. You’re getting what you want, but not in the way you wanted or on your timeline. Maybe there was a job opportunity a few months back in a different industry that you were afraid to pursue and now it’s gone. Your choices are now more limited and you feel the pressure of time.

If you feel yourself wanting to make a change, but are waiting for the stars to align, look at the fears that hold you back. They are likely old. Once you identify your fears, take a step toward them. If you wait for something external to change, you give your control away… and with that, potential opportunities. To get what you want, take the bull by the horns and step into the unknown. When you initiate change on your own terms you take your power back.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with Co-Founder and Chairwoman of Handel Group, Lauren Handel Zander. Lauren was always a talker and poking her nose in people’s business… something that would ultimately serve her well. But being a life coach wasn’t on her radar in her early 20s when her love life and career were both disasters. She was an environmental studies major with a hopeful heart and the best of intentions, but hated the actual work. And on the romance side of things, she lied and cheated her way through many relationships. But when someone she loved very deeply stole from her, she had to figure out who she could trust and why she didn’t see what was right in front of her.

Lauren believes people who are unhappy don’t have control of their inner dialogue, so today she helps people become more aware of what that internal narrative is saying and how it affects their actions. She also teaches the importance personal integrity and the damage that results from lying. Her coaching methodology, The Handel Method®, is taught in over 35 universities and institutes of learning around the world including MIT, Stanford Graduate School of Business, NYU, and the New York City Public School System. She has spent over 20 years coaching private and corporate clients, and has been a featured expert in The New York Times, BBC and more. Learn more about Lauren and her method at HGLife Coach. She also has a free coaching tool, The Current Reality Quiz, to find out which area of your life you may need help with. Get it at: http://bit.ly/THRIVINGCRQ.

Your partner has left the building—physically, emotionally or both. Your world is slipping way, so anxiety takes over. You’re afraid you’ll never again experience what you had with this person. Even if your relationship was dysfunctional, you look at this person as your reason for living, thinking they have some specialness that’s irreplaceable. You create a bigger story about what this abandonment means, and if you don’t have a strong sense of self-worth, their leaving makes you feel worthless. These feelings aren’t rational, but they are incredibly intense and very real.

Abandonment usually starts in childhood, and the really screwed up part is that you’ll continue looking for people to abandon you because it’s what you’re used to. Plus you probably abandoned yourself before your partner did. Instead of connecting with your feelings, you remained in a constant state of reaction. Everything you did was in response to your partner, rather than coming from a place of honoring your needs. Abandonment is not all about the other person. You do it to yourself all the time. So instead of focusing on why they left, connect with those awful pangs of abandonment. Stay present and ask yourself why you feel worthless. How do you show yourself a lack of value? Digging into this is important because if you don’t deal with your feelings around abandonment, you’ll keep looking for people who will leave you.

You don’t have to be alone to feel lonely. Loneliness is a sense of internal isolation which serves as protection. Instead of opening up and sharing your feelings, you retreat because it feels safer. This not only disconnects you from others, but also from yourself. True connection requires vulnerability, which is uncomfortable and the last thing you want to do. You probably feel something is wrong with you, so you put a lot of energy into pretending you’re ok. You wear your “party face,” but feel detached because you have abandoned yourself. No one would suspect you’re lonely because you do such a good job of hiding it, which isolates you even more.

Let’s say you threw a party over the holidays and 20 people came, but you felt lonely and disconnected the whole time. The thought of interacting felt draining because you would have to pretend to enjoy yourself. As you watched others chit chat, you felt even more distance between you and them. You started to wonder why everyone else could have a good time, but not you. What’s wrong with you? Even though you were surrounded by people in a festive atmosphere, you felt terribly alone.

Loneliness isn’t about what other people aren’t giving you. It’s your fear of connection and lack of self-worth. This can keep you stuck your whole life without understanding what you’re doing to create it. It isn’t an external problem that more friends or different social circles will solve; it’s an internal one. The first step in combating loneliness is to admit you’re lonely, and accept it as YOUR responsibility. Then it’s about digging deeper into your feelings of unworthiness and that desire to hide out. The next time you feel yourself withdrawing, take active steps to connect with someone. It may be the last thing you want to do, but vulnerable connection is the antidote to loneliness.

You say you want a relationship, so why do you feel an urge to bolt after a date? Or when things start to get serious? You think it’s because they aren’t the right one, but it has nothing to do with them. It’s about you. You’re afraid of intimacy so you sabotage, although not consciously. It’s on autopilot so you don’t realize what’s really going on. All you know is you’re not getting what you want and it’s frustrating. Maybe you’re also afraid of losing control, or you envision yourself in hellacious pain because of past experiences, so you do what you can to avoid it. Bolting before things get scary provides a momentary sense of relief, but it won’t lead to what you want.

When you date with the intention of finding a relationship, but walk away judging them for parting their hair the wrong way or having a “boring” job, you are successfully talking yourself out of what you say you want. You turn small things that don’t truly matter into deal-breakers because the prospect of getting close to someone is so scary. Instead of looking at your own fear, you think your date is the problem, which lets you off the hook. The problem is, you’ll keep doing this until you realize the common denominator is you.

When your actions are the opposite of what you say you want, leading you to run in the other direction, you end up hurting yourself. If you want a relationship (or anything else), you need to look at how you’re preventing it. Since self-sabotage is often unconscious, you have to go deeper and look at your fears. Then it’s about taking action TOWARD what you want, not away from it. Yes, it will be scary and that’s what you want. When you feel yourself go the other direction, revisit your fear. Then remind yourself of what you want and walk toward it.

It’s hard to be grateful for misfortune, and the suffering that results. It’s much easier to wallow in “Why me? Poor me!” than to look for the gift. The truth is, you can find gratitude in every situation. It’s being thankful for some aspect of every situation rather than only focusing on the negative. When you surrender to reality and look for the blessing, you arrive at gratitude. It’s expansive and helps you see yourself more clearly.

Let’s say you lose your job. You can dwell on the situation and be pissed off, or accept the reality and look for the gifts. Maybe your next job will be better or you can start the business you’ve always wanted. It’s also a chance to look at how you showed up for the job, using it as an opportunity for growth. Perhaps your discontent was reflected in your work, or you disconnected from your co-workers. With gratitude comes opportunity because you get to be the creator of your life rather than a helpless victim.

This is not about being a Pollyanna and ignoring your pain. Feel all your emotions, then look for an opening, possibility or opportunity. It’s also not about giving lip service to gratitude—that does nothing. Gratitude is a feeling that you need to connect with. Once you do, you’ll be able to see the situation more clearly and your role in it. It’s a gift you give yourself and it’s ALWAYS available.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with yoga teacher, digital nomad and lifestyle coach Chelsea Nielsen. Growing up in New England Chelsea lived a happy, stable and comfortable life… until the age of 12 when her father told her and her brother that he was leaving and not coming back. Because the family relied on him financially, her mom lost their family home and had to file for bankruptcy. Fast forward to age 29 when Chelsea separated from her husband and was suddenly flooded with suppressed memories. She recalled holes in walls, broken chairs and watching her dad push her mom to the ground.

Through therapy, a yoga teacher training for trauma and depression and a dedication to feeling her emotions, Chelsea let go of external validation, the opinions of others and everything she knew to be true. She realized she was expanding and growing as an individual while her husband stayed stagnant. After the divorce Chelsea sold her belongings and started working on yachts; an interesting choice given her father was a deep sea fisherman, often at sea for long stretches of time. That was three years ago and she has been living out of a suitcase ever since, catering to guests on 5-star yachts by leading yoga, meditation and more. She also serves as a life coach, working remotely from around the world. She believes the way we do one thing is the way we do everything… so she helps clients shift from a place of lack. Learn more about Chelsea and what she offers at www.TheYogiYachtie.com.

There’s FOMO (fear of missing out), then there’s another layer where you beat yourself up over what you think you missed. When you’re attached to what could’ve been, it keeps you focused on the rear view mirror. You may find yourself reliving the missed opportunity over and over, second-guessing your decision-making. Then what happens? You start saying “yes” to what you otherwise might say “no” to out of fear, learning not to trust life. Maybe that means staying in a relationship past its expiration date. Looking back becomes an excuse not to look forward, and it keeps you stuck.

This is the classic “one who got away” story. You idealize a past relationship; someone you thought was your soulmate. Things ended, but you never stopped thinking about him/her, so you’re unable to move on. Even worse, you beat yourself up for letting them slip away. Even if you start a new relationship, you’re never really happy because you constantly undermine any positive feelings by focusing on the past. And it’s not even the real relationship you’re attached to—it’s an idealized version where no one can possibly measure up.

You can continue looking backwards as a way to avoid looking ahead, but you won’t find happiness in the rear view mirror. All it does is rob you of joy in the here and now. If you find yourself lamenting what could’ve been, realize you’re attached to a fantasy, not reality. Then look for the benefit to beating yourself up. Is it easier and safer to stay stuck? Is punishing yourself a pattern? Once you forgive yourself and let go, you can look ahead and start allowing joy back into your life.

Do you have trouble accepting when someone is upset with you or mad at something you’ve done? Maybe you try to get back into their good graces or go the opposite way and get pissed. Either way, a sinking feeling usually accompanies it. The knots in your stomach tighten because you think there is something wrong with you—otherwise they wouldn’t be upset. Instead of communicating, you look at all the ways they aren’t a good person. You make them the problem rather than focusing on yourself or addressing the issue. It’s a means of avoiding and it can happen in romantic relationships, with friends, colleagues, etc. You need this person’s validation, so when you don’t get it, you’re not ok. Your value is in their hands.

When your self-worth relies on the opinions of others, everything they say matters. It becomes your own opinion of yourself. Because you live and die by what they think of you, you overreact and freak out when things go south. Believing you’ve screwed everything up, you’re afraid they’ll think you’re a horrible person and you’ll lose them. But self-acceptance doesn’t come from the outside. In order to feel good about yourself, you have to find your own power, separate from other people. No one can ever make you feel valued if you don’t value yourself. Any small boost you may receive externally is only temporary. The next time someone gets mad at you, resulting in that ubiquitous pit in your stomach, connect with the feeling and find compassion for yourself. Realize this is based on old stories around believing you’re not good enough. It’s not real. Giving other people power over your value is a losing proposition.