Freedom from Attachment

To have what you want in life—whether that’s a fulfilling job, relationship, fame, fortune—you have to upset the apple cart. That means saying and doing what is true for you and taking action from that place. It’s a willingness to step into the messiness of life instead of trying to keep everything neat and tidy. This is something everyone needs to do, but it’s especially difficult when you’re insecurely attached. The idea of doing anything that may result in loss or disappointment is too risky; better to play it safe and stick to what you’ve got. Scarcity tells you something is better than nothing. But what kind of life is that? If you’re holding back in any way, you’re afraid of upsetting the apple cart, which keeps you stuck in the familiarity of “good-enough’s-ville.”

Let’s say you’re dating with the intention of a long-term relationship yet you withhold this information on a first date because you don’t want to scare him/her away. But you muster up enough courageous to ask what they are looking for, only to receive an answer you don’t like. You still say nothing about what you want, hoping you’ll still be the chosen one. You might see this person on their terms—more casually—but that’s not what you want. Upsetting the apple cart would be telling this person from the beginning you’re looking for a partner and accepting whatever comes from that. If you’re not on the same page, that’s ok. You spoke from a place of honoring what you want and have weeded this person out.

To have what you want, you need to ask for it, which means upsetting the apple cart and accepting any potential loss. If you continue to play it safe, you won’t feel fulfilled; something will feel missing. Yes it’s scary, but the alternative is settling for breadcrumbs, which is not a happy place to be. And if you DO decide breadcrumbs are enough, you have to look at why you don’t believe you deserve more. When you settle, you pay a price. What is keeping quiet and playing small costing you? Is it worth it? To have what you want you need to upset the apple cart constantly.

You know those strategies you have to emotionally protect yourself from pain? Yeah, they don’t work. Because there is no such thing as emotional protection; you still get hurt, you’re still in pain. Safeguarding against it is an illusion, and half the time those same strategies actually help CREATE the pain you’re in, so the very thing you’re trying to avoid happens anyway. What are these protective mechanisms? Avoiding, shutting down, acting self-righteous, lying, violence, having a meltdown and enabling others’ poor behavior, to name just a handful. These strategies are not how you form connections with people.

Let’s say you are jealous of the time your partner spends with friends, so you have a meltdown or give him/her an ultimatum whenever they go out. You think you’re protecting yourself from the pain of being abandoned, but you’re really just pushing your partner further away. Then you feel shame or guilt for what you’ve done. There is a reason you believe you can’t handle the pain you’re trying to protect yourself from, so look within to find out why that is. Do you need to make sure someone is a good person before getting close to them? If so, where does that come from? Know where your motivation is coming from. Self-protection is not the path to happiness or connection with other people. When you feel yourself engage in distancing strategies, catch yourself and do the exact opposite of what feels comfortable: open up and express what you’re feeling.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with psychotherapist, radio host and author, Kelli Miller. Kelli grew up as a bit of a control freak, believing working harder was the way to make things happen. This manifested as an eating disorder and a life plan: she wanted a boy and a girl 2.5 years apart. You probably know where this is headed… things didn’t quite go according to plan. An emergency c-section with her first son led to a series of events that challenged her illusion of control. After multiple surgeries to remove scar tissue, Kelli learned she was infertile and unable to carry another baby. Surrogacy became her beacon of hope, but that wasn’t without its own obstacles. Health scares with the surrogate where the baby’s viability was unknown for weeks sent Kelli into a tail spin, leaving her completely powerless. Fortunately things turned around and she had another baby boy, but the lessons in letting go weren’t over. Both of her sons have ADHD.

Today Kelli looks back and wouldn’t change any part of her story because she believes that’s what built her strength and emotional resiliency—knowing she could handle her darkest moments and come back from it. That perspective led to writing a book about ADHD and how it can be seen as a gift. Now she helps individuals, couples and groups with various issues including ADHD, autism and addiction. More about Kelli and her practice can be found at www.kellimillertherapy.com.

When you try to control someone by berating them or giving them the silent treatment, you don’t think about the actual impact it has. You think you’ll be able to motivate them into doing what you want, but instead you push them away. Do you have a list of rules they aren’t following so you need to teach or punish them through submissive or aggressive means? You think if they would just do what you want, you would feel ok, but that’s putting your emotional state in someone else’s hands. You think you’re the strong one, but actually it makes you powerless.

Sighing heavily, rolling your eyes, turning away from your partner in bed, giving the cold shoulder, name-calling, etc. are just a few ways you may try to manipulate someone into taking care of your needs. But does it actually work or do you cause them to become resistant and defensive? Instead of pulling them closer, you end up pushing them away. Healthy relationships never involve tearing each other apart; that’s not what intimacy looks like. It also deprives you of your own happiness because these manipulations are not only ineffective, they make you feel like crap. When you are angry or discontent with your partner, stand in front of the mirror and look at the person who is making you miserable. You chose this relationship, so rolling your eyes 100 times isn’t going to fix things. Instead, connect with your deeper pain and ask yourself what you need to feel better. Your emotional well-being is in YOUR hands.

We pretty much all hate whiners, so why do we do it ourselves? Maybe you use a different word like “complain” or “vent,” but it’s basically all focusing on a problem. Some people are so used to complaining, they do it even after the problem is solved—on autopilot. Or sometimes they don’t even want a solution; they are just releasing pent-up energy, frustration, anger, pain, etc. But complaining is powerless and it comes from a lack of self-responsibility and self-worth. It means you’re stuck, and it’s a way of seeking validation… but other people sure get sick of listening to it.

Do you constantly complain about your job, or know someone who does? The pay is too low and the hours too long… not to mention those horrid co-workers. If you’re the one venting, what is your goal? Does it give you a feeling of superiority or self-righteousness? What are you actually doing to change the situation? Talking does nothing without action. If you’re on the receiving end, always providing a willing ear, you’re not actually helping. You’re just enabling their behavior and draining your own energy.

Whining and complaining do nothing except alienate those around you. If you truly want to change your situation, action is the only way out. The next time you catch yourself, stop and feel what’s going on in your body. Is it heaviness, stress, anxiety, anger, loss of control? Accept responsibility for the fact you’re choosing this discontent. Yes, you’re choosing it. Self-responsibility is challenging; it’s much easier to spin your wheels and stay stuck in the same pattern of complaining. But then you’ll find no one wants to be around you.

When you explode on your partner, what often follows is guilt and shame. You regret what you did so you try to crawl out from the hole you just dug to pick up the pieces and get back to where you were before you exploded. Or you just stay in that hole swimming in a pool of shame. Productive, huh? Not really because you’re not making any progress. Your begging, bargaining and need for control lead you right back to square one, which you weren’t happy with to begin with. So why do you do it? Because you’re used to settling, yet afraid you won’t ever get what you want. This whole drama stems from not taking care of your own emotional needs.

Maybe you say something snide to your partner like “Why don’t you just leave me?!” You hope it will lead to them confessing their undying love, but instead they shut down, lash out or leave. Whatever their reaction, you go into desperate fix-it mode, begging, apologizing and promising not to do that again. You know you overreacted and said something you can’t take back, so you panic and do whatever you can to redeem yourself.

Lashing out at someone will never heal your past pain; it will actually work against you. Only YOU can deal with those pent-up feelings and take care of your emotional well-being. Before you buy a one-way ticket to crazytown, look at what underlying resentment you have built, and where you have let yourself down. Admit your needs aren’t being met: attention, love, consistency, etc. Then look for ways to give yourself what you need. No one is responsible for your emotional state but you.

When something annoys you, causing you to complain, get defensive, etc., it is a reflection of what already lives inside you. It’s a reaction to wanting something to change that you have no control over. And as long as you’re looking for someone to change their annoying ways, you give them power over your emotions. It comes from an unwillingness to take responsibility for yourself and how you perceive others. Ever notice that when you’re not feeling good about yourself, you shift your focus to someone else and what’s wrong with them? You complain about how they do things or get mad at their inherent character flaws.

The thing is, we’re all annoying sometimes. No one is immune. Perhaps someone thinks you’re annoying because you’re quiet when they want you to speak up. Or you’re annoying because you drive too slow. Annoyance is a response to what is done (or not done), not the act itself. It’s based on the meaning we give to actions and what feelings it triggers inside. If someone at the grocery store is in your way and you label them as oblivious or inconsiderate, it’s an opportunity to look at where YOU are oblivious and inconsiderate. Instead of standing on your high horse, pointing fingers at others, look at why you are annoyed. What is being triggered in you? What don’t you accept about yourself? Realizing everyone can be annoying opens the door to compassion and understanding… and it may enable you to simply smile at the car who just cut you off.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with mother, writer and Soul Doula, Sarah Poet. Growing up in a religious household, Sarah’s free-spirited nature was never nurtured. She always felt there was something inside that wasn’t allowed to exist. Her act of rebellion included a relationship with an older man when she was in high school, leading to a pregnancy when she was 18. Listen as Sarah talks about giving her daughter up for adoption—something she describes as soulful, yet also took her to the depths of pain and loneliness.

After the adoption, Sarah operated from a very intellectual level, disconnected from her feelings. Striving to prove she was “enough” she went back to school and collected three master’s degrees. She married, had another child and worked as a school principal, trying to excel in just about everything. Realizing she had lost herself, she reconnected with what was important, wanting to do more for the whole child. She has a relationship with the daughter she gave up, and now specializes in bringing an authentic, mindful approach to true life transformations for couples, individuals and teens. Learn more at www.yourembodiedbreath.com.

People who are insecurely attached have trouble trusting themselves because they got negative reinforcement for their choices as a kid: punishment, neglect, etc. If this is you, you are constantly looking for clues about what you’re “supposed” to do, needing reassurance around every step you make. You second-guess yourself, avoid making decisions, punish the decisions you DO make and are leery about trusting others. This results in a lot of anxiety and playing it safe because making a wrong choice could result in loss or punishment… and who wants that?

If you are dating someone who is a few minutes late to meet you, or doesn’t call you back right away, you may leap to the assumption they are seeing someone else. You go off the rails because you don’t trust them, and you don’t trust yourself to handle the disappointment if you’re right. And of course you don’t ask them about it because you don’t want to know the answer; safer to keep the cat in the bag. When you don’t trust yourself, you stay stuck, afraid you won’t be able to handle the feelings around your choices. Why is trusting yourself so important? You’ll stop waiting for the other shoe to drop and will be able to trust others. It also leads to less anxiety and better decision-making because you’re not acting from fear. Each time you connect with yourself emotionally, speak your truth and make decisions from your heart (instead of staying paralyzed in your head), trust in yourself will grow.

It’s one thing to know intellectually you can’t change people, but it’s different to actually feel and accept it. Even if you tell yourself they’re never going to change, you can still find yourself angry because you want things to be different. You want THEM to be different. Maybe you unleash your hurt, sadness, pain, etc. on them through punishment. But it’s less about them and more about what you struggle with yourself.

Let’s say your mom doesn’t like your spouse after 20 years of marriage and refuses to come over for holidays because of it. You want to kill her because it’s an issue every year, but you still invite her because it’s the “right” thing to do. It triggers old feelings so you scream at her when she tells you she isn’t coming to unleash your anger and frustration. You want to make her understand, but it’s fruitless.

Lashing out provides temporary relief, but it doesn’t address the underlying issue. Instead, find your pain and ask what will make it better. Getting to a place of emotional acceptance will give you a sense of peace so you can stop putting energy into wishing things were different. When you hold onto hope that someone will change, you give them power over your emotional state. Look at what you want from this person that you’re not getting and why. What will it do for you? Why do you need it? Then connect with your deeper pain and give what you need to yourself. Your healing begins and ends with you.