Freedom from Attachment

Welcome to another podcast with my husband! The flood gates have opened. This time we’re talking about emotional availability and what an emotionally available man looks for in a woman. Of course the first part of that equation is that YOU have to be emotionally available because you attract people exactly where you are. If you aren’t open, it can feel like the well is dry. Yep, it’s about you. It’s about what you’re putting out there and what you’re open to. Once you start opening up, the available people appear. They really do.

In our conversation, Dave and I will talk about our dating profiles and early dating (i.e. what we put out there). We’ll discuss what stood out for each other and what we were drawn to. I’ll ask what made him reach out to me, and when he knew he wanted a second date. Was he ever afraid of scaring me off? You hear my perspective all the time, so now I’m bringing you the other side! We’ll talk about red flags, dating rules and turn-offs. I’ll also ask him a few questions I received via Facebook and email. If you think there aren’t enough “good ones” left, it’s because you aren’t open to them. Start by breaking your rules—the conscious AND unconscious ones. Rules and strategies equals closed. Vulnerability and paying attention to how you feel equals open. Keep opening and the well will fill with possibilities.

Introducing… my husband! I always knew I would bring him on at some point (he has offered many times), so an email inquiry about how my husband and I communicate provided the catalyst. In our very first podcast together, Dave and I will walk you through a situation in which we were both emotionally triggered, and how we handled it. You’ll hear my perspective and his: what we were each thinking, feeling and saying. We’ll also share how our open communication style is different (and so much better) than it used to be. Speaking your truth is something I talk about a lot as being critical to personal growth and building your value, so we’ll be sharing what that looks like in practice. The backdrop will be a recent wedding we attended where we arrived an hour late to a group dinner. I was triggered, he was triggered… it was a big ol’ trigger fest.

As you’ll see, transparent communication isn’t about coming to a resolution. The goal isn’t to make the other person understand your position or agree with you. Forget winners and losers; it’s about opening up and sharing your feelings honestly, without blame. It’s about taking responsibility for the impact your words and actions have on someone else—even if it wasn’t your intention. When you approach it with an openness to listening and sharing, communication brings you closer together. It enables you to drop the scorecard and the heaviness of holding your feelings inside. Learning how to speak and listen this way is critical to a healthy relationship and EVERYONE can do it.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with best-selling author, speaker and business owner, Bill Wooditch. Bill grew up in the backwoods of Western Pennsylvania where his mom had a singular goal: get her kids out of their dead-end factory town. His father was a strict alcoholic who never validated him, so Bill had his own mission: rebel at all costs. That meant growing his hair, smoking, drinking and working in a factory… essentially closing the door on his own future. One day as he grabbed his bologna sandwich and started off to work, he looked back at his mom who had tears in her eyes. Her worst fear had come true. Bill was on his way to nowheresville.

That feeling of disappointing his mom fueled Bill to leave his factory job, go to college and change the trajectory of his life. Listen in as he shares his path to monetary success as a top sales person at a Fortune 500 Company, then to life success. He talks about the importance of transparent communication and that to find happiness, you really have to know yourself. Today Bill is on a mission to help people improve their lifestyle options physically, intellectually, spiritually and emotionally. Learn more about what he does at http://billwooditch.com/

Do you look for validation from someone who doesn’t give it to you? Each time you do this it reinforces your deeper belief that you don’t matter; you’re not important; you don’t have value. Then what happens is you draw people to you who treat you like you’re the booby prize because it matches those feelings inside. It’s a pattern that manifests as people-pleasing, perfectionism, clinging, overstepping boundaries, working hard for validation and more. When you focus on the other person like this, you give them power over your emotional state. Staying in this “booby prize” situation gives your negative beliefs evidence that this is all you deserve, strengthening them so the pattern is harder to break.

If you are in a relationship with someone (either casual or serious) and you’re more concerned with what they think of you than how you actually feel, you are operating from the belief you have little or no value. It’s a familiar feeling because it already exists inside you, which is why you stay, even though it’s painful. Healthy relationships don’t operate this way. To move from booby prize to THE prize, you have to build your value… brick by brick. Shifting your focus away from someone you seek validation from can feel like moving an elephant, but you do it by consistently honoring yourself and speaking your truth. Understanding your negative beliefs and where they come from will help in making this shift and breaking the pattern. No one else can make you feel like the prize—you have to do that yourself.

Do you have a laundry list of emotions you think you can’t handle? Maybe you think you’ll be swallowed up by criticism, negative emotions, loneliness or loss—loss of a partner, status, money, job, etc. The overarching theme in all of this is disappointment. People avoid disappointment all the time because they don’t think they can deal with it, which keeps them from moving forward. It is the opposite of emotional resiliency, which is your belief that you’ll be able to handle whatever life throws you. Emotional resiliency is a HUGE turning point in emotional growth, and trust me, you want it. It’s what allows you to take risks that previously held you back.

When you are emotionally resilient, you don’t end up settling because you’re coming from a place of abundance, not scarcity. You have an inner peace, knowing you’ll bounce back from whatever life throws your way. If you go through a break-up or loss, while still painful, deep inside you trust you’re going to be ok. Knowing you won’t be stuck in a pit of despair and disappointment gives you the strength to let go of what isn’t working instead of clinging to the breadcrumbs you have.

Emotional resiliency leads to making better choices and taking greater risks because you have an inherent trust that you’ll survive. Building it requires a series of small, emotional steps where you’re able to see you actually CAN handle things. Each time you don’t die, you build that muscle, which gives you the confidence to try again. Each time you do it, it becomes less and less scary. And guess what? Emotional resiliency is available to all. Even if you didn’t get what you needed as a kid, you can give it to yourself as an adult by continually taking emotional risks. It’s how you change your life.

Your heart will always lead you in the right direction while your head will keep you stuck. But what happens when you get a “gut” feeling and you’re not sure whether or not to trust it? Well, sometimes what you THINK is your heart is really your head. This confusion stems from being outwardly focused. You get a wrenching feeling in your stomach, so you think you’re onto something. But no… it’s just your antennae up, scanning for problems based on old stories. When you look for clues to match a story in your head, that’s not your intuition.

Maybe a past partner cheated on you so your “gut” tells you your current one is too. You start looking for evidence to prove this feeling right… he/she didn’t text back quickly enough the other night, so they must be cheating. He/she is always checking their phone when out with you, so they must be cheating. You don’t realize this is a scenario YOU are creating based on an old pattern. It’s your head looking to support your belief that you’re someone people cheat on. Your intuition doesn’t collect evidence and it doesn’t tell stories—your head does that.

If you confuse your patterns with your gut, you won’t know what to trust and will double-down on those stories making them even more pervasive. It will leave you in a state of constant anxiety, thinking your gut is telling you something when it’s not, and you’ll make decisions from that feeling instead of reality. This may lead you to break up with someone you are certain is cheating (you have that gut feeling after all!), when in reality he/she isn’t. Your intuition isn’t attached to an outcome (i.e. someone leaving you)… it’s a general sense. Learn to distinguish the difference.

A lot of people have limitations that keep their dreams at bay. Sometimes these limitations are conscious, sometimes not. Your negative beliefs are part of what limits you (feeling you don’t deserve, you’re a failure, etc.), but examples set by others also play a role. You hear about regrets from others and think that’s a normal part of life, so giving up on your dream becomes a learned behavior. Without realizing it you’ve allowed these people to kill your dreams and you think it’s no big deal. WHAT?

Maybe your dad had a business that did really well, then he lost it. Your lifestyle changed and he taught you that being an entrepreneur would make you poor. He regretted his decision to go off on his own and you grew up with that example. Fast forward to your adult life where you want to start your own business, but all of these old thoughts and feelings hold you back. You succumb to that fear, stay at the job you hate and give up on your dream because that’s just how life goes. It feels like the responsible thing to do, but there is still a big part of you that wants to do it.

Limitations are completely self-imposed. It’s not something outside of you, and it doesn’t take a “special” kind of person. The only thing holding you back is YOU. If you have a dream you’re not pursuing, look at the fear that holds you back. Dreams result from action, so step into what you fear. By taking incremental actions in the direction of what you want, your dream will start to feel within reach.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with author, mentor and certified life coach Andrea Owen. Andrea grew up in a family where the only accepted emotion was happiness. Negative emotions were a sign of weakness, so she often believed her feelings were wrong. This led her to a tumultuous relationship with very high highs and very low lows. She didn’t listen to her intuition that told her to break things off, so instead she married a man who defined her self-worth. Planning for a family together came to a devastating halt when her husband got a neighbor pregnant and asked Andrea for a divorce.

Listen as Andrea shares the truth about using blame as her coping mechanism, and how she was able to turn that around to take responsibility for her life. The skills she developed helped her through another traumatic experience: the loss of her dad. Today, as a life coach, wife and mother, she helps high-achieving women let go of perfectionism, control and isolation to choose courage and confidence instead. Find out more about Andrea and her work at http://yourkickasslife.com.

Here we are with another triangle: perfectionism, fear of jinxing things and trying to control outcomes. They all interplay and it looks something like this… to have what you want (i.e. a happy relationship), you feel you must attain perfection to ensure that outcome, and you’re afraid of doing something wrong to jinx it. To pre-empt the potential loss of that happy relationship, you hide who you are.

If you believe you’re single because you aren’t perfect, then meet someone, you may think it’s because you’ve moved closer to perfect. You’re afraid of jinxing things so you hold back information about yourself. Gotta keep up that perfect appearance to hold onto the new relationship! The problem is you are still anxious and insecure inside, waiting for the bottom to fall out. You seek that quick fix validation from your partner that he/she isn’t going anywhere, but the relief is only temporary. The antidote to this triangle is openness.

When you’re focused on controlling an outcome, you may think you’re open but you’re really not. That outcome keeps your perspective limited. When all of your actions are working toward trying to achieve a certain feeling, get clear on the feeling you’re chasing. Being open means taking action that MIGHT jinx things. Opening yourself and upsetting the apple cart is how you break this pattern.

Some people adapt their behavior based on what other people do. Like using emojis only with people who use them with you, or only cursing around potty mouths. Do you act differently at work than you do with your friends? How many of your daily actions are based on what other people do, or how they expect you to act? Maybe you create a file on each person in your life, pulling it out whenever you interact with them (i.e. she shakes hands, he hugs, etc.). Even micro-actions that follow someone else’s lead suggest you don’t feel safe being 100% you in every situation.

Pay attention to where you look to others for safety. Do you feel the need to be gregarious and funny with some people, but reserved with others? Conforming to what you think others expect of you is not only exhausting, it can cause friction and resentment—even if you are doing it by choice. Being a chameleon is a form of self-abandonment and it comes from a fear of rejection. Emotional freedom doesn’t come from being the smarty pants at work and the daredevil with your friends. It comes from being the REAL you everywhere you go. This isn’t about breaking societal norms; it’s about living out loud instead of confining yourself to a life of quiet desperation. Being you doesn’t take extra effort, so if you’re feeling drained and depleted, look at where you are hiding or playing “follow the leader.” You may be doing it without even realizing.