Freedom from Attachment

Not literally! I was raised by parents who through no fault of their own possessed no self-awareness and lived by very dogmatic rules. This resulted in creating insecure feelings, but of course I didn’t know that’s where the seeds were sown. If you were also raised by wolves (used facetiously, of course) your emotional needs were probably not met, although you sure did work hard to try. This may have led to believing something was wrong with you, as if you had some fatal flaw. But guess what? NOTHING is wrong with you. You were influenced by emotionally unavailable caregivers, growing up with an inconsistent example of what love is and how to get it. As a kid you weren’t able to see your parents as flawed human beings, but now you can see things from a different perspective.

If one of your parents used to say, “We don’t like you, even though we love you,” that is absolutely going to affect your relationships. Those words play over and over in your subconscious so you do everything you can to be liked and loved… jumping through hoops, people-pleasing, over-performing, etc. If love and attention weren’t given without strings attached when you were young, you’re up against an old belief as an adult that says you aren’t deserving.

Holding onto anger and blame toward your parents will keep you stuck in the same pattern with an attachment to receiving validation by all the hoops you jump through. Understand this—their behavior had nothing to do with you. It was a product of how they were raised. You can’t change your past but you CAN reframe it, leading to healthier relationships. You have a choice: be a prisoner of your childhood beliefs or take your power back and learn to give yourself what you weren’t given as a kid.

I have talked about the stories we tell ourselves, based on our experiences and negative beliefs… but what happens when you’re the star of someone else’s story? Maybe someone has decided who you are and what you’re about. If it’s negative, you may go to great lengths to prove them wrong. Maybe someone calls you selfish even though you bend over backwards to be generous. For reasons of their own, they have created a story about you, but you still do everything you can to be MORE pleasing, MORE generous, MORE of whatever you believe you fall short of. But of course you can’t control what other people think about you and trying to change their story is futile.

Have you ever been there for a friend who was going through a breakup, being a shoulder to cry on, bringing meals, etc. only to hear him/her say, “No one cares about me.”? Maybe this friend thinks you should be doing more, so despite your best efforts, you feel you’ve fallen short in their eyes. Or you hear from someone else you didn’t do enough. As much as you may want to defend or redeem yourself, it won’t help. You have no control over how others perceive you. If someone doesn’t like you, only THEY can decide to change their opinion, and the best chance of that happening is just to be yourself. It’s also much less exhausting than jumping through hoops.

Resigning yourself to the situation isn’t necessarily the answer either, putting up with someone who doesn’t think you do enough or ARE enough. Is maintaining your relationship with them worth the price? How is that taking care of you? If someone has a story about you, don’t try to change it. Feel the uncomfortable feelings around what they think of you, then be you regardless of what they believe.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with visual artist Col McGunnigle. As an award-winning graphic designer for 25 years, Col was at the top of her game, appearing in Vogue, Vanity Fair, Town & Country, and many other publications. So when a chronic illness hit in 2014, she was blindsided. At first she pretended she wasn’t sick, afraid no one would hire her, which led to a very dark place: lying face-down on the floor, feeling like she was being dragged behind a speeding car through ground glass. Col knew she needed to pick herself up (physically and emotionally), but felt trapped and unable to do so. Listen in as she shares how she dealt with this difficult transition, and redirected her creative energy into a new form of artistic expression.

Today Col paints for herself, intuitively allowing the imagery to emerge and uplift her. Rather than viewing her illness as an enemy, she sees it as something which has taken her on a journey into the unknown. Despite her daily challenges, Col has rediscovered her joy in painting, a process that fills her with delight. It is her wish that whoever takes home one of her paintings feels the same magic she felt while creating it. Her work has been exhibited in galleries in the Hamptons, Quogue and Providence, as well as in Europe, and appears in private collections throughout the United States. For more about Col and her art, visit www.soulcenteredart.com/.

A lot of people who are insecure about their situation want to predict the future. They want to know what to expect so they are prepared. If this is you, perhaps you turn to friends, psychics, therapists, etc. to assure you everything will be ok. But why? Where does this stem from. Yep, your good old friend fear: fear of loss, fear of surrender (letting go of control), fear of judgment, fear of the unknown, etc. If you know the outcome to something, you think you can strategize the steps to get there, which is much more comforting than moving forward into the unknown. But trying to predict the future robs you of the present.

If you’re in a relationship and want your partner to commit, you may cling to a fantasy future together… maybe it’s a future someone told you would happen. But then you start to cherry-pick your partner’s words and actions to support this fantasy while disregarding the rest. You think you’re working toward this outcome, but it’s by force and not necessarily based in reality. It’s ok to want a committed relationship… with SOMEONE. Focus on that while letting go of what happens to get there (or who it’s with). That’s the uncertainty part it’s uncomfortable because the future is totally unknown.

Pinning your hopes on a future outcome keeps you living in a fantasy which will ultimately lead to disappointment because you’re not going to get what you want. Predictions are limiting and keep you living small. When you focus on being present and accepting the disappointments of life, you are better able to allow the future to unfold, believing it will ultimately support you. The safety you’re looking for will never come from predictions, and no one can reassure you that you’re on the right path. There are no crystal balls for relationships or any other part of life, so stop looking for answers. Instead, sit with the discomfort of not knowing what will happen. That’s where all the good stuff lives!

Defending yourself is reactionary; in response to a trigger. If someone pushes your emotional buttons you may respond with, “I did that because of X, Y, Z” or “That’s ridiculous, I would never say that.” You think you’re reacting to what someone else did or said, but you’re really reacting to something that already exists inside of you. Somewhere there is a belief that what they did or said has some validity, otherwise you wouldn’t react. Defending yourself gives the illusion of power, but really you’ve given it away because now you need to convince them of your story—the one you’re defending. If they don’t agree you get even angrier, leaving you in a bottomless pit of defensiveness. Defending yourself is heavy and a waste of time; there is no satisfactory ending.

If someone follows up on something you were supposed to do—at work or home—do you feel the need to come up with excuses? Maybe you were ABOUT to send that email or water the lawn, but instead of simply saying you haven’t done it yet, you snap back with all the reasons why it isn’t done. Defensiveness stems from negative beliefs: I’m not good enough, I’m always wrong, I’m lazy, I have no value, etc. If you’re on the other end of this and someone gets defensive about what you say, recognize you’ve probably triggered a deeply held belief and don’t take it personally. It’s not about you or even the situation. When you feel yourself getting defensive, stop the conversation because it’s not going to be productive. Instead, look inside and ask what negative belief is being triggered. Defending yourself is exhausting and goes nowhere. You will never win.

When you don’t feel loveable, you may strategize to get what you aren’t giving yourself, looking for someone else to fill you up. Or you’ll manipulate a situation to compensate for what you lack. You don’t realize you’re playing a game, but you are. Games involve winners and losers; right and wrong; black and white. You think your carefully orchestrated moves give you greater value or respect, but they don’t. They only serve to satisfy your head. In a healthy relationship your partner can’t fulfill what you lack—you have to do that on your own.

How often do you fight for the upper hand? Maybe you punish your partner for calling late, ignoring them when they do call. You want to teach him/her a lesson in an attempt to get your power back. Or you personalize it and blame your partner for not caring about you. And how does it feel afterward? Probably not very good. When you strategize, working toward a desired outcome, your head is in control and your heart is nowhere to be found. It stems from a lack of value.

Games are exhausting and they have zero to do with love. Instead of always thinking about your next move or trying to win, look inward and connect with your feelings. Ask yourself what’s missing inside that you’re trying to fill through someone else. Replace blame with self-responsibility. Where did you go against yourself to get where you are? Where did you close yourself off emotionally? Games stop when you open up and let go of control.

If she wasn’t such a control freak, everything would be fine. When he finally leaves his wife we’ll be happy. If he/she would just commit a little more, everything would be perfect. How often does “happily ever after” hinge on that ONE thing? You hold on for it to change because why throw away a good relationship just because of something that’s fixable, or may resolve itself over time?

The problem with hanging on for that “one thing” to change is you are not seeing the big picture. You’re using it as an excuse because even if it did change, you would probably find a different problem to focus on. It’s easier to point at one issue because then you don’t have to address the real reason you’re choosing to stay. When you fixate on a problem or make excuses for it, hoping it will cease to be an issue, you are settling for an unfulfilling relationship.

Instead of focusing on that one problem, look at your relationship as a whole. Take responsibility for where you are and why you’re settling for semi-functional. Complaining keeps you in victimhood where all of the responsibility for change lies with the other person. Where is the power in that? The next time you find yourself saying, “When X finally happens, everything will be great,” stop yourself and feel what’s going on in your body. Do you feel a disconnect between what you say and what you feel? Why are you saying you’re ok with the current situation when you’re not? What are you unwilling to accept? Solving situational problems is not the answer. Get deeper and start having authentic conversations with your partner about how you feel and what you want.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with best-selling author and founder of the School of Feminine Magnetism, Jacquie Somerville. Before Jacquie found her true self, she succumbed to societal pressures about marriage and kids, ending up the wife of a gay man. As she started connecting with her heart and challenging the status quo, she discovered something important: the more she fought against herself, the more disasters happened. This all culminated in a very dark day that upended her life. Listen in as Jacquie shares how she worked through this horrifying time and came to a place of acceptance.

A natural born storyteller, Jacquie Somerville is bold, irreverent and funny. She teaches women to live gloriously by answering their calling, loving big and having undying faith. Jacquie draws on a lifetime of challenging and rewarding experiences, believing the keys to a successful life include following your heart and honoring the calling of your soul. She shows audiences and clients how to let go of the struggle and become irresistible magnets to a fulfilled life of love, prosperity, passion and purpose. Learn more at www.jacquiesomerville.com.

How often do you think you know what your partner is going to say or do? And how often do you act based on that assumption? Trying to read someone’s mind in attached relationships is often tied to a fear of loss. If you’re afraid the relationship may end or waiting for the other shoe to drop, you may try to preempt it by staying a step ahead of what your partner is thinking. Of course you’re not inside their head so you can never really know what they’re thinking, so this is all based on assumptions. It’s also a sign that transparent communication is nowhere to be found.

If you sense your partner pulling away, you may spend a great deal of time trying to figure out what he/she is thinking and feeling. Of course you don’t ask them because you’re afraid of the answer so you play detective and draw conclusions. Maybe you talk to your friends about the possible scenarios and determine what the reason must be. Then if your partner says they want to talk to you, your whole body goes numb because you’re convinced a breakup is coming. Instead of letting the conversation unfold, you try to control it by saying how wonderful they are or how much you’re looking forward to some future plan. You are acting from this fearful place based on an assumption about what they’re thinking, which may have zero to do with reality.

Healthy relationships do not involve mind reading. I don’t care how in sync you are, you are not inside someone else’s head. When you’re focused on what your partner is thinking, you spend all your time reacting rather than focused on yourself and what you want. So how do you stop being a fortune teller? Talk to your partner. Ask what’s going on. You may find your fear is totally unfounded. And if it's not, jumping through hoops to avoid the break-up conversation is not a happy, anxiety-free way to live. Put the focus back on you and open up the dialog.

Just hearing the word vulnerability makes some people run for the hills. But why is it so scary? Because it feels unsafe and people think vulnerability equals a loss of power or becoming a door mat. So in an effort to hold onto the upper hand, they want the other person to go first (show me yours and I’ll show you mine!). But vulnerability is actually empowering. It is at the core of everything, and it is has nothing to do with winning or control. It also has nothing to do with oversharing, which is about validation. Vulnerability is unfiltered authenticity; not holding back what you truly feel, and sharing it.

When you open up and speak your truth, you’re vulnerable. When you share how you feel as a means of connecting with another person, you’re vulnerable. When you stop hiding and expose your flaws, you’re vulnerable. Healthy relationships can’t exist without the “v” word. When my fiancé triggers one of my negative beliefs, I have to admit all those cringy, screwed up feelings that were stirred up, which is the last thing I want to do. But we’ve both chosen to be in a healthy relationship which means opening up instead of shutting down. It’s hard and uncomfortable, but I feel so much better afterward and it brings us closer together.

When you avoid vulnerability, there is an undercurrent of what was left unsaid. It leads to sabotaging behaviors and feeling crappy. So when you’re at that crossroads, feeling you should open up but want to run for the hills, look at what you’re afraid to talk about or admit. Then ask yourself why. Is it fear of not being accepted, abandoned, appearing weak, losing control? Something in your past made you feel opening up was unsafe. You don’t need to suddenly crack wide open to practice vulnerability. Start small. Reveal parts of yourself that scare you and sit with the discomfort. Each time you open up you build that muscle.