Freedom from Attachment

You’re a superstar! You’re smart, witty and you’ve heard it from everyone: they say you’re a catch! So why haven't you met anyone? Your friends don’t get it and neither do you. The bigger question is, who are you presenting yourself to be? Is it your true self or someone you’ve invested in making into a perfect you? You may be afraid the real you will be rejected, and perhaps you were a long time ago. So you’ve invested a lot of energy into molding yourself into someone different, working hard to be the version of yourself you think someone will want. This happens a lot with insecure attachment, stemming from a lack of value. Don’t stress about that as many of us don’t have a clue about self-worth! To gain validation, you’ll twist yourself into a pretzel, then get mad at yourself for doing so. You go back and forth between the real you and the not-so-real you, not even realizing you’re doing it. It’s a great strategy for keeping emotional intimacy at a distance… and scratching your head as to why you never have the relationship you want deep inside. I’ve been there!

Hiding and performing will not lead to an authentic, emotionally available relationship. You are rejecting the real you before anyone else can get close. When you catch yourself acting like a superstar, look at the parts of yourself you’re rejecting. You’re overcompensating. Being you is never about exerting extra effort—the insecurity you feel is motivating it and it’s just looking for validation. It will leave you stuck in a constant battle with yourself. Ask why you’re ignoring who you really are. How much effort are you willing to put into creating this superstar version of yourself? And more importantly, is it even working? Is it leading to the relationship you want? Instead of complicating things, look for the ease and show up as the flawed human you are. It’s time to chill out. No effort needed to be you.

Most people who seek help in the form of coaching, therapy or even a friend are looking for relief from their pain. Some want someone to fix their problems and make them feel ok; the responsibility falls on the helper. Unfortunately that’s not how change and growth works. Unless YOU do the work, nothing will change. Some people will say, “I tried that 10 years ago and it didn’t work” as an excuse to stay stuck. It’s the opposite of empowerment when you put the responsibility for your life outside of you. Whatever help you seek will only go as far as the work you’re willing to do on yourself.

This was totally me back when my marriage broke up and I saw a therapist. My goal in therapy was to prove that I was right and my husband was wrong. I had no interest in taking responsibility and owning my role. My focus was on my therapist, not me, which was a huge barrier to change. Years later when I sought out a business coach, I did so because I wanted her to fix me. I didn’t know what real work was, and that I actually had to do it. In both cases I was disappointed because I put the responsibility on them.

YOU still have to do the work, which requires emotional change to break a pattern held by a negative belief. Those who have walked a similar path can lead the way based on their experiences, but they can’t reach inside you to force change. It’s hard when you mentally feel you’ve done it all and nothing is different. It can make you feel resistant to doing the work (yup, I’ve been there too). If you’re not in a place where you’re willing to do the work, it might be better not to seek help because you will become your own barrier. And if you do want help, get clear on your expectations. No one can fix you but you can choose to be open to doing things differently.

If you’re constantly looking back at what didn’t work in past relationships as a current issue, you’re holding your own noose. Using the past to create stories like “there are no good men/women out there” or “everyone else is able to have a healthy relationship except me,” keeps you from having healthy relationships because even though these stories are not true, you make them true. Each new relationship is colored by what you tell yourself, so you repeat the same patterns and stay stuck. If you think you only attract narcissists, you will unconsciously go to great lengths to prove yourself right. Or if you think everyone you date starts out wonderful in the beginning, but eventually turns into a demon, you will recreate that in each relationship. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yes, your beliefs are that powerful! When you’re stuck in your story, you are closed to love. You’re too busy living that story to see outside of it. There is no emotional openness to allow for something different.

There is no positive power in victimhood or thinking the universe is against you. It is YOU who creates your reality. Once you are aware of what’s going on in your head, you can choose to perpetuate your stories, believing they are true, or you can challenge your perception. What if what you believe isn’t true? What if you are just as capable and worthy of finding a healthy relationship as anyone else? There are many ways to stand in your way of having what you want, and clinging to those stories where you bring the past forth is one of them. Become aware of what your stories are, and let go of what is working against you.

It’s hard to see yourself as you are. You may only see the same old image of yourself doing the same things, having no clue what is actually going on at a deeper level. You don’t want to admit you’re jealous or insecure or an outsider. So when other people trigger those feelings in you, it shows you what you don’t accept in yourself. If you get upset that someone is screwing in a light bulb wrong, they may reflect where YOU feel wrong. Other people can be a great tool for personal growth if you see the opportunity. Your reaction to what they do or say can help you know yourself better. They show you how you treat yourself and how you treat others. Remember, one finger pointed at someone is one finger pointed back at you. There’s always room to take responsibility. Responsibility for yourself is empowerment, so the clearer you can see yourself, the more ability you have to stop doing certain behaviors.

If your significant other is jealous of the time you spend with your friends and you get defensive, look at why you’re having that reaction. What is he/she revealing about your own jealousy? Maybe you don’t like that they spend too much time at work. If you don’t feel like your partner makes time for you, you may bristle when he/she reacts to you doing something similar—like spending a lot of time with your friends. They become a mirror for you. Use this as an opportunity to look at yourself from a different perspective.

When you ignore these clues from other people, you stay stuck in victimhood, unable to see yourself clearly. It’s much easier to say it’s all about them and has nothing to do with you, but where is the power in that? You can remain blind and blame other people or you can use your reactions as chance to ask yourself what’s really bothering you. You only react to what already lives inside you, so dig into what that is and increase your empowerment.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with Relationship Intimacy Expert, Allana Pratt who inspires open-hearted, unapologetic living with delicious sass. With an alcoholic father and co-dependent mother, Allana grew up looking outside herself for safety. Then, when faced with two premature deaths of loved ones, she saw two paths: shut down or keep an open heart. Her choice for the latter helped Allana through the even darker moments ahead, where she has been able to look for the gift and shine in the face of it all.

Allana Pratt is a featured weekly contributor on the GoodMenProject, expert on CBS, TLC, FOX, Forbes, People and Huffington Post, this cum laude graduate of Columbia University is the author of four international books, and coached Leeza Gibbons during Dancing with the Stars. Host of the sexy empowering Podcast “Intimate Conversations” to guests like Grammy Award winning Alanis Morissette, over 2.7 million viewers on Youtube look to Allana when struggling to trust again after a harsh breakup. You can find her at http://allanapratt.com/.

You may not have awareness when it comes to your actions impacting other people—I sure didn’t! On the one hand I would try so hard to make an impact, and on the other I would feel/believe I had no impact. It actually kept me trying harder and harder, and it was always surprising when I found I made a difference. I thought I was altruistic in teaching them, but if I am honest, I was really strategizing. Maybe you think you’re doing someone a favor by nudging them toward something that’s good for them, or toward something you think they want. Most of the time it really isn’t about them. It’s about you and what you want. Let’s say you’re encouraging your partner to go back to school because it will help them get a better job. After all, they hate their job, so this is their ticket out. But you have to ask yourself if it’s REALLY for them, or if you have your own motivation. Do you want more stability? A more comfortable lifestyle? You may be trying to create what you want because you see yourself as an extension of their success or failure. You feel it is a reflection on you. Plus you may feel you need to perform to keep them around. If you teach them, perhaps they will love you more.

Any form of control over someone else is an illusion. No amount of force or manipulation (even if it’s well-intended) can make people do what you want them to. They are going to make their own choices, and resisting that just results in struggle. It’s also a road to disappointment. Instead of putting energy toward influencing someone else’s choices, focus on making good ones yourself. When you do that, what other people do ceases to matter as much. You’re comfortable letting things be as they are. If you find yourself unable to accept your partner’s choices, ask yourself why it’s so important to you. Is it really about what you want? What are you afraid to lose? Happiness doesn’t exist at the end of your orchestrated plan. Give yourself what you’re trying to get from them and allow their choices to be what they are.

We often confuse nature with nurture thinking we’re built a certain way and that’s what we have to work with. We have a certain bar for everything—happiness, wealth, success, emotional availability, energy, etc., believing it can only go so high. But what if that weren’t true? What if that was just your limited perspective? These bars have been set throughout your life, many of them in childhood. If your parents had a bad marriage and that’s what you saw, your idea of happiness is based on that. The bar has been set. Energy works similarly, and it’s a good indicator of where you go against yourself, inhibiting your growth.

If you didn’t feel important as a kid, you likely started people-pleasing and performing for attention. That kind of behavior depletes your energy, so you got used to operating at a low level. Your bar was set. Then you looked for external ways to fill your energy back up in the form of validation, but that’s a cheap form of energy and it doesn’t last. Giving to yourself before you give to others is one way to fill yourself up with quality energy. As you continue doing that, you will start to raise your energy bar. This can be uncomfortable because it’s not what you’re used to, so there is a tendency to dispel this additional energy. This is when people-pleasing and perfectionism come back into the picture, slowing your growth. Pay attention to when this happens.

Low energy is not normal and it CAN be raised, but it’s an inside job. To raise your energy internally, you have to stop going against yourself. You have to avoid people-pleasing, performing for attention, assuming, taking responsibility for other people’s actions and anything else that is externally-focused. Instead of looking outside of you, ask what you can give yourself. How can you show yourself loving kindness? Energy is built through self-love, and it’s how you will raise your bar to the point you never thought possible.

There is an epidemic of comparison in our culture. You look at others, wondering if you’re ever going to get it “right.” Your inner critic is on overdrive, resulting in a lot of self-judgment. Maybe you look at other people and their relationships, wondering how everyone else keeps finding quality partners while you only attract the dregs of society. Or perhaps you judge yourself at work when someone younger than you is at a higher level. Whatever the situation, the theme is the same: They’re doing something right and you’re doing something wrong.

In my early days of coaching I looked at how other coaches were marketing themselves, thinking I needed to be exactly like them to succeed. I looked at celebrities who got divorced and remarried all while I was still single, thinking, “What is WRONG with me?” I beat myself up over my parenting style when looking at those who I thought were doing it better. Whatever it was, my inner critic kept telling me I was doing it wrong. As long as I lived my life in comparison, I was filled with anxiety. There was no connection to myself because I was hyper-focused on what was happening outside of me.

Looking externally for validation does nothing for your happiness. It keeps you in a state of wanting rather than accepting where you are. Acceptance doesn’t mean you’re happy with your current situation, it just means you’re not in resistance to it. When you embrace the flawed, horrible parts of yourself, you stop comparing and move to a place of greater inner peace. So what if that celebrity is on marriage #2 and you’re still waiting for #1? You have no idea about that person’s situation. Stop assuming people who have what you want are happier than you. Instead of wanting someone else’s life, wouldn’t it be better to create the life YOU want?

People hear, “Don’t attach to outcomes” and think that means they can’t have goals. Not true. As with most things in life, it’s not that black and white. Setting goals is important to move you in the direction you want to go, but they need to be flexible. Fixating on exactly what you want to happen, with who and when, limits what’s possible. Perhaps the way you get to your goal is completely different from what you envision. Or maybe your goal morphs into something else completely. If you focus too much on a particular outcome, you may pass up all sorts of opportunities. Plus, what some people think is a goal is actually an outcome.

Let’s say your goal is to get married. You have to ask yourself why on a deeper level. If it’s because you want to be in a loving, lifetime partnership with someone, that’s really the goal. Marriage is just a possible outcome. What truly drives you? Is it internal (a loving partnership) or external (validation)? Holding onto the internal while letting go of the external is what it means to have goals without attaching to outcomes.

A goal provides a course of action; something that moves you forward. It brings a world of opportunities, as long as you do not see things as having to work out a certain way. It’s not something rigid to narrow your possibilities. When you get deeper with yourself and focus on the reasons for your goals, you may realize those reasons are your actual goals. Understanding your motivation will move in the direction of what you want without being attached to how or even IF you get there. When you assign meaning to your goals (i.e. what achieving it says about you), it’s likely an outcome. Goals are journeys, and they come from the inside.

Welcome back to my video interview series, “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” where I interview people about an emotional low point in their life and how they worked through it. In this episode I’m talking with Dr. Margaret Paul, a bestselling author, relationship expert and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® self-healing process. Margaret talks about how over-giving to others, fueled by her fear of losing everyone, was making her sick. When she finally decided to choose herself by saying no to others, her biggest fear came true. Learn how living through that opened the door to a new paradigm for work and life.

Margaret has appeared on numerous radio and television shows, including Oprah. Her book titles include "Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved By You," "Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved By God," "Healing Your Aloneness," "Inner Bonding" and her recently published book, “Diet For Divine Connection.” Margaret holds a PhD in psychology and has successfully worked with thousands over the last 50 years. You can find her at https://www.innerbonding.com/.