Freedom from Attachment

Joy is not the absence of pain, although it can seem that way when you don’t know any better. When you feel stuck in your love life, nothing has a shine to it. You’re in search of something to make you feel happy, yet you don’t see the limitations you put on it. Perhaps you believe if you have too much joy, something bad must happen to compensate, so you keep it at bay. When you wish for big, but settle for little, you continue running in circles, chasing a feeling you don’t truly know. Understanding what joy is and experiencing it is a process; but it’s not something you will find in an attached relationship.

Intellectually you may know joy isn’t something to be gotten or achieved, but you still equate it with other people, hoping they will give it to you. Does joy equal that second date you’re trying so desperately get? Does it equal revenge with an ex who hurt you? What fleeting twinges do you associate with joy and why? Be curious about what you perceive as joy and ask yourself what it REALLY is. Joy isn’t in the future, it isn’t a temporary high and it isn’t something to be chased. But the tricky thing about joy is if you don’t know what it is… you don’t know it.

So how do you find it? You don’t. Joy finds you when you walk through your fears and stop leading with your head. It happens when you start paying attention to what you’re intuitively drawn to and silencing the critic in your head. Joy is a choice, and it comes through believing it lives inside you. Stop fixating on others and expecting them to change—that is not where joy lives. When you connect to your heart and feel what is there, it will guide you. Stay with it and be present; these are the seeds of joy. Even if you can only hold onto it for a minute, do it. Bit by bit you’ll become acquainted with joy and reject your old notion of what you thought it was

Do you hand out unsolicited advice, telling people how to live their lives? Maybe you think you’re doing them a favor because you want to save them from learning the “hard” way. After all, you know better than they do. Whether with friends or intimate relationships, this need to save people from themselves comes from a need for validation. It’s how you derive your value and earn your place. You think they are incapable, but really it’s a reflection of how you see yourself. And it’s manipulative because you’re doing it to get something from them—appreciation, value, gratitude, validation, acceptance. So if the person you’re trying to save doesn’t thank you to the moon and back, you become resentful.

One of my clients is the perennial teacher with her boyfriend. She gets validation from coddling him instead of letting him figure things out himself. He is an equal participant because he says she’s the smart and capable one (which makes her feel good), but then he doesn’t end up listening. This leads to her wanting to bang her head against the wall. Her insecurities kick in because if she isn’t the all-knowing rescuer… who is she? She doesn’t feel she has value unless she can be superior.

This kind of teaching, over-doing, saving and advice-giving is incredibly depleting. You give and give in order to receive breadcrumbs of validation, which never fill you up. And it doesn’t do the other person any favors because you’re robbing them of their own growth. Instead of trying to get someone to love you for what you can teach them or save them from, see if they can love you simply for breathing; for doing nothing more than just being you.

Your relationship isn’t going well. You don’t feel heard or appreciated, but you think if your partner would just try harder to do what you want him/her to do consistently, you’d feel better. Instead, you feel undermined because your feelings are dismissed; clearly you are “imagining things.” You’re angry, yet you remain in a stalemate with this person with you blaming and them defending. Even if you “get” your mate to change, things will resume to the way they were pretty quickly because the desire to change is coming from you, not them.

You may not see this as a game of manipulation, but it is. You’re trying to control your partner, making him/her do what you want. Feeling disregarded or disrespected can be painful, but it is a reflection of your own beliefs and insecurities—not the shortcomings of your partner. If you need your partner to be someone other than who they are, it’s time to turn the mirror around and ask what you’re not giving to yourself. Instead of pointing out their inconsistencies, look at your own. A partner isn’t a band-aid for what you’re unwilling to see in yourself.

As with everything in relationships, it starts with YOU. You are an equal participant, so stop distracting yourself by thinking they are the problem. To have an open-hearted relationship, you need to be open-hearted. Ask what expectations you have of your partner and why. Are those expectations based in reality or fantasy? What does happiness look like for you? If you need someone to change to make you feel ok, get to the core beliefs behind it. Manipulation just leads to struggle. Isn’t it time to look at why you’ve chosen this person and what they’ve allowed you to avoid in yourself?

The “I am wrong” belief is one that still pops up for me, and for many of my clients. The inner judge can be so critical, making you feel wrong for everything you do. It can often be triggered by what someone says. Maybe you’re at a neighbor’s home and comment on their vacation photo. Your neighbor says, “Yeah, my wife wanted to go to Hawaii, but I talked her out of it because it’s so overrated.” You’re headed to Hawaii next month so you get a pit in your stomach, feeling you’ve made a wrong choice and will be judged. When that belief bubbles up, you might be inclined to defend yourself, or quickly change the subject so your neighbor doesn’t ask about your vacation plans. Even when the comments are innocuous, you find a way to take it personally and make yourself wrong.

I noticed this recently with my diet. I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t losing weight. My hormones, perhaps? The old me would’ve immediately thought I was doing something wrong, and would validate this by finding others who had no problem dropping those extra pounds. In my head I would’ve thought they were doing it right and I was doing it wrong. Now, however, I recognize it’s my belief talking and I don’t fight it. When you resist your belief, it actually grows stronger. Go with it, and it will start to lose power.

So what do you do when you find yourself feeling wrong all the time? Make a list of everything you’re doing “wrong,” then call it out for what it is: a negative, limiting belief. Don’t try to put a positive spin on it; that just denies its existence. Instead, accept the belief as part of you, just as your fingers and toes are part of you. Your beliefs are real, but they aren’t true. They just FEEL true because they’ve been reinforced over and over since childhood. Once you identify and accept them for what they are, they will start to loosen their grip on you.

How much time do you spend investing in the lives of other people? Do you look at celebrities and think they know more about life than you do? Maybe you have a different set of rules for yourself and others, and the ones for yourself are much harsher. You punish yourself for falling short, but the people you look up to get a hall pass. This happens in attached relationships when you put your partner on a pedestal, allowing him/her to get away with stuff you would never allow of yourself. But then you think if you WERE them, you’d be able to get away with it too. It’s a fantasy you’ve created where their life is amazing and yours is crap. This is the path to inauthenticity where you abandon yourself and wish your life away. You have to ask yourself why you don’t want to be you.

We’ve seen a lot of fallen stars; celebrities who seems to have an idyllic life, yet break the law or cheat on their spouse. Initially you’re disappointed, but then you read something about why they did it and you feel empathy, thinking they’ve been misunderstood. You excuse the behavior. But if YOU did what they did, you would never forgive yourself. That same empathy doesn’t extend to you because somehow you’re “less than.” You fantasize about having this person’s life because then you’d get these hall passes too.

When you no longer focus on the fantasy lives of others, you allow space for your authentic self to emerge. Accept your imperfections and realize the people you put on a pedestal have them too. This life is your life—you can live it authentically as you, or you can live vicariously through someone else, always feeling like you don’t measure up. It’s your choice.

When you’re not happy with your current situation—whatever it is—you may feel angry. You think you’re pissed at the outside world, but really your anger lies with yourself. You don’t accept where you are; it’s not where you want to be. So in an attempt to quell your anger, you try to control other people, forcing your will upon them and manipulating them to do what you want. This provides a distraction so you don’t have to take responsibility for the choices you have made.

This happens quite often in unhealthy relationships. You beat yourself up for being in a situation you can’t get out of, but you don’t own your role in staying. The end result is anger. Why did the universe put you here? Until you take responsibility for your choices, you will continue to be the angry victim, thinking everything and everyone is conspiring against you. Anger feels powerful and comfortable because it’s a familiar emotion. It enables a sense of self-righteousness: It’s not ME who is causing this, it’s everything around me. All this does, however, is keep you stuck in wanting your external world to change, which is the opposite of empowering

The next time you’re angry at your situation (for many of you that’s right now!), look at the choices you made to get where you are. You always have a choice, even if it’s simply the perspective you take to look at things. Anger is a choice. So you can continue down that path, being angry at the world, or you can accept that you got yourself here. Not someone else… YOU. There is no power in anger; power comes from taking responsibility for your decisions. Start owning your role and anger will slip away.

Do you ever look at others and pity them? Maybe there is someone in your life who you feel bad for, and want their situation to change. It actually bothers you if they do nothing to help themselves, so you feel this strong urge to rescue them. But why? What do you think they lack that keeps them stuck in this situation. What do you feel YOU lack? Yes, they are a mirror for you. In attached relationships, there is often a rescuer and a perpetrator—and both are also victims. When you feel a deep desire to rescue someone, it comes from your own need to be rescued. Love is not pity, and it’s not making someone else a victim so you can rescue them.

Let’s say your ex still has stuff at your place and shows up to claim it. You offer to help because he/she couldn’t possibly do it alone—you turn him/her into a helpless victim. You’re actually in the middle of doing something, but drop it to help them, hoping for brownie points or at least some acknowledgement you went out of your way… but you get nothing. By feeling sorry for him/her you’re able to play the role of rescuer, throwing yourself to the bottom of the priority list. But then later, you complain about this person and how disrespectful he/she was.

In order to have true give-and-take relationships, you have to look at the choices you make. Rescuing others keeps you angry and stuck in a loop of denial about how you feel about yourself. It can be hard to know what to do with yourself when you’re not needed, so you avoid exploring it. But ask yourself why you want other people to be different than they are. Do you want them to change for them… or for you? And what do YOU want to be rescued from? It’s only when you stop rescuing others that you’re able to focus on rescuing yourself.

It’s hard to watch someone you care about being disrespected. You might even get pissed and wish you could control their reaction, wanting to yell out, “Why do you let him/her treat you that way?!” Maybe YOU even start treating them badly because they’re teaching you that behavior is ok. It’s not conscious—you’re just picking up on their modeling. So, what signals are you giving other people about how to treat you?

Let’s say your partner is complaining about how their brother treats them. You’ve heard it over and over—the brother never calls, he’s never supportive, etc. And yet, if that brother needs help, your partner is the first to jump up and volunteer. It’s frustrating and painful. Perhaps you bring it up and your partner gets defensive, tempting you to show them the same level of disrespect they are showing themselves. It’s hard to let them do whatever they are going to do without jumping on the disrespect bandwagon because that’s the behavior they are modeling… and humans learn a lot from modeling.

When someone’s behavior triggers you and your reaction is to treat them poorly, catch yourself. Instead of mirroring their behavior, show compassion. Understand you can’t control what they do or how they allow themselves to be treated; it’s all based on their belief system, coming from a place of pain or insecurity. Doing this will also make you more aware of your own signals, and how you’re teaching others to treat you.

This podcast title came from a meme that really resonated with me, “Never beg to be loved.” While it may not sound like something you would do, I see it quite often in insecurely attached relationships (it never happens in healthy relationships). Begging to be loved results from feeling misunderstood or not properly seen, and being so invested in the relationship that you need your partner to be in the same place you are. Your world revolves around him/her, and you’re terrified of not finding that again with someone else. The feeling is desperate and painful; like you might die if your partner leaves. And on top of your fear of loss is a big ol’ layer of shame. If anyone knew how you were acting in order to keep your partner, you would die all over again.

This also happens a lot with break-ups. Your partner says it’s over, which sends you into a tail spin. You beg him/her to stay because when you look at the future, all you see is pain. The only thing you believe will ease that pain is to convince your partner it’s a mistake, and you’ll do whatever it takes to demonstrate how awesome and amazing you are. If you’ve ever been on the other side of this, you know it doesn’t matter what your partner says or does. When you’re done, you’re done.

When you beg to be loved, it comes from an attached place of being chosen rather than choosing—a powerless position. Let me tell you something: there is NOTHING so flawed about you that you need to beg someone to love you. Nothing. Zilch. Believing that on an emotional level, however, can be challenging because your negative beliefs show up telling you you’re not good enough, not worthy of love, etc. So instead of fighting it, ride that emotional wave and accept where you are. Accept the shame and really FEEL it. Then, look deeper at what you’re afraid of losing. What do you think you can only get from this one person? Whatever that is, give it to yourself. When you’re filled up emotionally, you will never have to beg to be loved; that love will already exist inside.

The universe is powerful to be sure, but I speak to many people who believe it is in control and we’re just along for the ride. They think the universe decides if you should be punished or rewarded. This is simply not true. The universe does not act independently of you, serving as judge and jury. It comes from its connection to you—matching what’s inside you and supporting what you put out there. It does NOT govern your life. Blaming the universe or believing it’s out to get you just takes the responsibility off yourself. You choose your reality.

If you’re single and putting yourself out there, yet you keep dating the same kind of person (i.e. not your match), you may feel the universe is punishing you. Why else would you be suffering through this? You’re on all the dating sites and saying “yes” to dates, thinking you’re doing everything right. It’s because the punishment you believe is coming from the universe starts inside. You are creating it by the walls you put up, ensuring your negative beliefs keep you single. The universe is not conspiring against you, and blaming it just creates a limited existence where you stay stuck and powerless.

What do you think the universe is keeping from you, and why don’t you believe you deserve it? When you hear a punishing story in your head, it comes from a deeper place. Look at the negative belief attached to it. Remember, the universe is a reflection of what lives inside you, so that’s where you need to place your focus. Not outside of you. When you’re vulnerable and open yourself up, the universe will match that and support you in ways you never imagined. But it has to start with you. You’re in the driver’s seat; the universe is riding shotgun.