Freedom from Attachment

If you romanticize other peoples’ relationships, not understanding why you can’t meet anyone, you have to look at where you’re unwilling to take emotional risks. It can feel hard to find what you see as an impossible ideal reflected in what other people have. It keeps you from moving forward. In essence, it keeps you playing it safe. Playing it safe by repeating the same, familiar patterns keeping you stuck and reinforcing your negative beliefs: I’m meant to be alone, I don’t deserve a relationship, there are no good men/women out there, etc. The voice of those beliefs is never positive—it wants to keep you safe from the risk of pain. Intimate relationships require… intimacy. They require the discomfort of vulnerability. To have a true relationship, you have to want it more than you’re afraid of it.

I was a commitment-phobe for YEARS and didn’t know it. I said I wanted a relationship, but did everything to make sure I didn’t have one. I created a lot of stories about dating, not realizing they were just excuses because I was so afraid of pain and getting stuck in the wrong relationships. When I did meet someone, there were usually a bunch of red flags that I ignored, moving ahead because I didn’t want to be alone. And of course, subconsciously, I chose them because I knew I would never be stuck for long. When things fell apart, I was disappointed yet relieved at the same time. This was my pattern, and it was safe because I knew how the story would end. Unfortunately it also reinforced my beliefs that I wasn’t good enough and was meant to be alone. Eventually I realized if I wanted a different outcome (i.e. a healthy relationship), I had to date differently. I had to face my fears. Dating became about curiosity, being open and paying attention to how I felt rather than reacting to my date. It changed everything.

If you think you’re open to a relationship and willing to take emotional risk yet can’t find a willing partner, you’re not truly open. I promise you, when you really are open, you will be in a relationship. And you do not have to be very open—just a bit. Available people attract available people, so if you keep encountering unavailable people, you have to look at where you’re emotionally closed. It’s not about the other person; it’s about your fears, patterns and negative beliefs that are keeping you where you are. Stop waiting for cues from someone else to make you feel safe. Be transparent, ask questions, speak your truth. When your fears come up (and they will), learn to spot them. Then, step into them. That’s how you break your patterns, open yourself up and meet someone else who is truly open.

Secrets don’t protect you from loss or being rejected—they alienate you. The keep you from being emotionally present and available. A secret is a lie you tell over and over again with each new person or situation, reinforcing it each time. It’s a specific form of hiding that causes shame, and it’s a heavy load to carry. Secrets also create a lot of collateral damage when they get out; people feel betrayed and it creates distance. We tell ourselves secrets do no harm if we keep them locked tightly inside, but this is never the case. They hurt us and they hurt others.

There are a million secrets people hide: secret lover, secret drinker/eater, fetishes, plastic surgery, growing up poor, health conditions, living with your parents, debt, etc. Some people are so afraid of their secrets being revealed because of the shame associated that they take them to the grave. Unfortunately they steal from you and the people you love. Shameful secrets are the source of guilt, pain, anxiety, depression and a life unlived.

Secrets are the complete opposite of authenticity, and most people aren’t aware of the destruction they cause—whether they are revealed or not. Even “small” secrets are damaging because they suck your energy and keep you in a place of hiding where you can never be your true self. You convince yourself it’s not a big deal if it doesn’t impact others (I had a nose job, who cares?), but you don’t consider the toll it takes on you. When you keep a secret, you operate from a closed, protective place in all areas of your life. How can you connect with someone on an emotional level when you’re hiding part of yourself? Sharing your secrets and feeling the shame that surrounds them will set you free.

When looking for the “perfect partner,” it’s easy to get caught up in those ooey-gooey feelings, thinking they are an indication of compatibility. On the flip side, if you feel negatively, you might take that as a sign your partner is wrong for you. But good feelings don’t equal a good partner and bad feelings don’t equal a bad partner. That’s not the equation for a healthy relationship. Those negative feelings actually stem from fear: fear of intimacy, fear of abandonment, fear of engulfment, fear of making a mistake, etc. You use those fears to build a case against your partner, pushing him/her away. But it has nothing to do with them and whether they are a good match. It’s really about you.

As long as you keep misinterpreting negative feelings as a reason to run, fear will remain in the driver’s seat. No relationship is all positive. If that’s what you’re looking for, you’re attached to a fantasy of what a healthy relationship looks like. It’s not real. Blaming your mate and thinking it’s about them instead of looking in the mirror is a one-way ticket to repeating the same pattern with your next relationship.

Healthy relationships aren’t black and white. They are filled with all sorts of emotions—both positive and negative. To forge deeper connections, you have to accept and feel ALL of them. When you find yourself dismissing someone because of your negative feelings, stop and look at your fear. You have to consciously ask yourself what you’re afraid of because these fears run on autopilot and they’ve been operating for a long time. Remember, these feelings are not about the other person. They are about YOU and what you’re afraid to confront, which is actually a sign to step toward them rather than back.

Our culture is obsessed with the Drama Triangle. We watch it play out like a train wreck on reality TV, sad love songs, movie climaxes, gossip magazines and in the lives of people we know. The concept of the Drama Triangle was introduced in the early 70s by Dr. Stephen Karpman and it has three points: Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor. You know the victim as, “Poor me, I’m all alone and nobody cares”. The rescuer says, “Let me fix everything and take care of people who don’t need it, neglecting my own needs.” And then there’s the Persecutor who bullies, blames and criticizes. The thing about these positions is they are ALL powerless because you’re making someone else responsible for your feelings. Most people on the triangle don’t just stay in one position—they tend to play all three roles.

We are conditioned to boo for the perpetrator, pity the victim and cheer for the rescuer. We want a good guy and a bad guy; a winner and a loser. The opposite of the Drama Triangle is happiness and empowerment, but we don’t see that as an option… unless that happiness is dependent on someone else. Happiness is NOT a state outside of you, but our society perpetuates that notion based on the Drama Triangle. Thinking other people are responsible for your well-being holds you hostage. It’s a trap. Unfortunately most people who are stuck on the triangle have no idea they are there, which means they stay on it, remaining powerless.

Demonstrations of the Drama Triangle act as a mirror, enabling you to see yourself more clearly. Watch TV and see if you can identify the different roles, noticing how people switch. Pay attention to how disempowering it is, keeping them all in victimhood. Now turn that awareness on your own life and look at where YOU play each of these roles—with your family, your partner, your friends. Instead of blaming others for your unhappiness, ask what you’re trying to get… then give it to yourself. When you stop looking outside yourself, you’ll nudge yourself off the triangle. Empowerment is always about YOU.

I used to try so hard to fly under the radar and blend into the background. I played small so I wouldn’t call attention to myself, and I did it in every possible situation… in my relationships, in my work, while socializing. I even played small with myself in what I wished for. It was all fear-based because I didn’t want anything bad to happen. I knew if I put myself out there, fear would greet me, so I did everything I could to avoid it. When you confront your fears, control goes out the window; anything can happen. It’s a lot safer to be a shrinking violet, right? Sure, if you want everything in your life to be small and limited and led by fear!

How do YOU fly under the radar to stay in your safe little cocoon? Do you withhold your wants and needs from your partner? Do you monitor yourself with a bunch of rules to keep things tight and controlled? Do you people-please and keep your partner happy so you can take the focus off you? How often do you try to go unnoticed so no one will criticize you? What is your relationship to fun? Do you have any, or do you limit that as well for fear the other shoe will drop and something horrible will happen? I still struggle with that one. Things in my life are going really well right now, so I catch myself looking for how it might be taken away. My awareness has grown immensely, but those fears still pop up from time to time.

To have what you say you want out of life, stop flying under the radar and start speaking your truth. Trying to control your life and avoiding the uncertainty of “going big” will ensure you stay in your small, stuck space. That’s not where joy and freedom live. You can’t outrun your fears or fight against them or ignore them without suffering the consequences of a limited life. When you come out of hiding and start confronting them, you’ll see your fears don’t kill you. Quite the contrary—stepping out to face them is how you finally live.

I talk to a lot of people who point the finger at someone else when their feelings are hurt—it’s always that person’s fault. “I was ignored all weekend,” or “I was clearly upset and my partner didn’t ask me what was wrong.” When hurt or upset, you may clam up and expect other people to know how you’re feeling. Perhaps they even sense something is wrong and ask you, to which you respond, “Nothing, I’m fine.” But of course you’re not fine and you want them to know that so they can come to your rescue. When they don’t, you blame them for not caring.

This is an EXTREMELY powerless position you’re putting yourself in because you’re not looking at your own expectations and how you show up. People aren’t inside your head and when you blame their inaction, it’s really a reflection of your own. You have to ask yourself why you aren’t opening up about how you feel and asking for what you need. Why do they have to guess? And why do you assign meaning to what they do or don’t do? It’s not their responsibility to take care of your feelings—it’s yours.

You have to recognize your role and how you participate. When you open up instead of shutting down, and take responsibility for your inaction instead of blaming others, everything shifts. You stop playing the victim and start taking an active role in your happiness. Look at your past and present relationships. Where did you stay quiet, expecting someone else to rescue you from your hurt? What negative beliefs were triggered? The next time you feel yourself shutting down and creating a story about people not caring about you, stop that thinking. Instead, feel your pain and open up to those people about it. It will change everything.

Welcome back to my video interview series, “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” where I interview people about an emotional low point in their life and how they worked through it. In this episode I’m talking with speaker, educator and relationship mentor Ken Bechtel. Ken’s life was serendipitously lining up. He was living in a place he loved and engaged to an amazing woman… until it all came crashing down. Listen as Ken takes us through his darkest moment, and how he was able to look for the gift in order to move forward.

For over 20 years, Ken Bechtel, the creator of the Finding Success in Love program, has shared his insights and amusement to help women get their needs met and be loved for all their unique beauty. He brings you the real story from a man’s perspective of what it takes to be adored by a great guy and have true partnership.

Find out more about Ken and his wildly popular podcast, “Speaking of Partnership” on KenBechtel.com.

Do you have a resentment account? You know, similar to a savings account where you fill it up with all your angry deposits. Maybe you’ve been adding to it a lot lately—that happens in attached relationships—but I guarantee you’ve been contributing for much longer. It starts building from a young age, with all the hurt and pain of things not going your way. Instead of connecting with those feelings, you turn them into blame and make frequent deposits into your account. But the interest paid isn’t the good kind. When resentment compounds, it can lead to a life filled with perceived misfortune, misery and emotional disconnection.

Resentment wreaks havoc in relationships. If you’re with someone who doesn’t make you a priority, yet you can’t seem to leave, it can lead to moments of rage. You’re beyond pissed, feeling he/she owes you for the pain they’ve caused. You may even stay in the relationship because you have so much invested; you’re waiting for the payoff. It’s time for them to turn things around and finally give you what you want. You’ve earned it, right? Nope, you will never get a return on that investment of sacrifice, over-giving, and victimization. And guess what? You’re in that relationship because you’ve chosen to be there.

With each new relationship you may not be aware that you carry your resentment account with you, unless you decide to empty it. As with most things in life, it’s a choice. Own it and stop blaming your partners. Resentment will never lead to a happy relationship. No one owes you, and no one can ever compensate for your choices. To get rid of resentment, you need to look at it. What are you angry about? Where do you feel robbed? What were you not given as a kid that you needed? Can you look back and see the imperfections and frailties of the people who “failed” you? Believe it or not, life is working FOR you, not against you. When you truly believe that and take responsibility for choices, you can empty your resentment account and actually start living.

You have been looking your whole life for someone who is open, vulnerable and consistent, not understanding why you can’t find him/her. These are qualities you value, yet you don’t fully embody them yourself, so you look for someone who will compensate for where you’re closed and inconsistent. Unfortunately this isn’t the path to what you want because other people match you exactly where you are. Closed can’t meet open and inconsistent can’t meet consistent; those are the true laws of attraction.

Let’s say you meet someone promising because they seem to come with less drama than everybody else you’ve been with. You’ve finally met someone you can have an honest conversation with, but you still find problems as an excuse to distance yourself. You don’t do it consciously—it’s part of your old patterns. You mentally strategize because it’s familiar, and before you know it, you’re acting inconsistently and putting up walls. You say you want someone who consistently shows up with their words and actions matching, but you’re not doing it yourself.

When you don’t feel safe inside, you look for others to give you clues it’s ok to proceed. The thing is, you have to be open, vulnerable and consistent even when others aren’t. It can’t be dependent on them. YOU have to be the brave one. YOU have to say, “OK, this is crazy scary, but I’m going to step into it because I want someone who is going to match me.” You create what you choose, so everything you think, say, feel and do needs to move in the same direction. That’s consistency and it’s what you need to start doing in order to attract someone who does the same. Stop looking for the other person to make the first move. It always, ALWAYS starts with you.

This is the very first interview for “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment.” Join me as I interview Lyneè Urban of Operation Fix My Life. She is a Nutrition and Lifestyle Coach dedicated to teaching busy women how to eliminate stress, transform their health, and rest their way to weight loss. While battling a lifelong struggle with food addiction and emotional eating, Lyneè experienced a health scare from the stress of balancing a family and full-time career. This motivated her to begin researching the most efficient strategies to transform her health while still meeting the demands of work and home. In our interview, Lyneè talks about her emotional connection with food, and her journey toward taking responsibility for her happiness instead of placing that burden on her family.

"Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment" originally exists as a video interview. Watch it at tracycrossley.com/darkestmoment.