If you romanticize other peoples’ relationships, not understanding why you can’t meet anyone, you have to look at where you’re unwilling to take emotional risks. It can feel hard to find what you see as an impossible ideal reflected in what other people have. It keeps you from moving forward. In essence, it keeps you playing it safe. Playing it safe by repeating the same, familiar patterns keeping you stuck and reinforcing your negative beliefs: I’m meant to be alone, I don’t deserve a relationship, there are no good men/women out there, etc. The voice of those beliefs is never positive—it wants to keep you safe from the risk of pain. Intimate relationships require… intimacy. They require the discomfort of vulnerability. To have a true relationship, you have to want it more than you’re afraid of it.

I was a commitment-phobe for YEARS and didn’t know it. I said I wanted a relationship, but did everything to make sure I didn’t have one. I created a lot of stories about dating, not realizing they were just excuses because I was so afraid of pain and getting stuck in the wrong relationships. When I did meet someone, there were usually a bunch of red flags that I ignored, moving ahead because I didn’t want to be alone. And of course, subconsciously, I chose them because I knew I would never be stuck for long. When things fell apart, I was disappointed yet relieved at the same time. This was my pattern, and it was safe because I knew how the story would end. Unfortunately it also reinforced my beliefs that I wasn’t good enough and was meant to be alone. Eventually I realized if I wanted a different outcome (i.e. a healthy relationship), I had to date differently. I had to face my fears. Dating became about curiosity, being open and paying attention to how I felt rather than reacting to my date. It changed everything.

If you think you’re open to a relationship and willing to take emotional risk yet can’t find a willing partner, you’re not truly open. I promise you, when you really are open, you will be in a relationship. And you do not have to be very open—just a bit. Available people attract available people, so if you keep encountering unavailable people, you have to look at where you’re emotionally closed. It’s not about the other person; it’s about your fears, patterns and negative beliefs that are keeping you where you are. Stop waiting for cues from someone else to make you feel safe. Be transparent, ask questions, speak your truth. When your fears come up (and they will), learn to spot them. Then, step into them. That’s how you break your patterns, open yourself up and meet someone else who is truly open.