When looking for the “perfect partner,” it’s easy to get caught up in those ooey-gooey feelings, thinking they are an indication of compatibility. On the flip side, if you feel negatively, you might take that as a sign your partner is wrong for you. But good feelings don’t equal a good partner and bad feelings don’t equal a bad partner. That’s not the equation for a healthy relationship. Those negative feelings actually stem from fear: fear of intimacy, fear of abandonment, fear of engulfment, fear of making a mistake, etc. You use those fears to build a case against your partner, pushing him/her away. But it has nothing to do with them and whether they are a good match. It’s really about you.

As long as you keep misinterpreting negative feelings as a reason to run, fear will remain in the driver’s seat. No relationship is all positive. If that’s what you’re looking for, you’re attached to a fantasy of what a healthy relationship looks like. It’s not real. Blaming your mate and thinking it’s about them instead of looking in the mirror is a one-way ticket to repeating the same pattern with your next relationship.

Healthy relationships aren’t black and white. They are filled with all sorts of emotions—both positive and negative. To forge deeper connections, you have to accept and feel ALL of them. When you find yourself dismissing someone because of your negative feelings, stop and look at your fear. You have to consciously ask yourself what you’re afraid of because these fears run on autopilot and they’ve been operating for a long time. Remember, these feelings are not about the other person. They are about YOU and what you’re afraid to confront, which is actually a sign to step toward them rather than back.