Freedom from Attachment

Something set you off, leaving you to feel everything sucks and no one loves you. Or you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Whatever the trigger, you feel the world is against you. Maybe it’s those old feelings of rejection, shame or imperfection that bubble up, so you look externally for validation you’re ok. But instead you find the opposite—more evidence you’re NOT ok. So what do you do? If you’re insecurely attached, you’ll probably throw yourself a pity party, which is a great way to emotionally abandon yourself and remain in a constant state of reaction.

If you look for problems, you’ll find them. You may not realize you’re doing this as a way of punishing yourself and marinating in your negative beliefs (I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve, there’s something wrong with me, etc.). Your focus is entirely on what’s not working, so you become anxiety-ridden as well. All of this self-pity serves a purpose, however, which is to distract you from your deeper emotions. The feelings associated with your negative beliefs are more familiar and thus easier to deal with, whereas whatever is brewing under the surface is completely frightening and unknown.

Understand there is no truth in what you’re reacting to; your reaction is based on your perception of events, which comes from your negative beliefs. Essentially, whatever led to your pity party isn’t real. Dig deeper into where those thoughts come from, and the belief tied to them. Can you surrender to it and let it live instead of fighting against it? Follow all the feelings connected to it. Just by doing this you are connecting with yourself, which is the opposite of what you’ve been doing.

When I first started coaching, I came across the book “The Ever-Transcending Spirit: The Psychology of Human Relationships, Consciousness, and Development” by Toru Sato. In it he talks about the concept of stealing energy. When you have an energy deficit in yourself, you may try to get it from others by creating drama, manipulating, people-pleasing, punishing, etc. Yes, these are actually ways of trying to meet your own energy needs. You many not realize what you say or do is designed to trigger a reaction in someone else, as a way of stealing their energy, so you can temporarily feel better… like a quick “hit.”

If you pick fights with others and feel you have to win an argument or get them to agree with you, look at your motivation. Are you beating them up to steal their energy? Are you punishing them because you feel crappy and want to feel better? It’s ok if someone doesn’t agree with you, and it’s ok to feel empty or crazy, but it doesn’t give you the right to suck the life out of them. You have to look at what’s triggering you. Where are you ignoring your own feelings? The energy you try to get from someone else will never fill you up. Instead of using other people as punching bags, do something loving toward yourself. Only you can fill yourself up.

No one wants to be called “needy” or “clingy,” so if you’re exhibiting this kind of behavior, you may be afraid to recognize and acknowledge it. It’s the last thing you want to admit to, especially if you fear judgment for it. Usually, you are in a relationship where you feel your needs are ignored or you have to be extra-special to get them fulfilled. Your image starts to crack, revealing your neediness. Then the shame kicks in because you do NOT want that label.

Neediness comes from a deep need to be validated and not abandoned by someone else. Maybe you feel misunderstood by your partner, and have this burning desire for him/her to understand you. But when that attempt fails, the walls close in and you feel out of control so you cling even tighter, while simultaneously feeling ashamed for your actions. It’s like watching a bad movie you can’t turn off. But blaming yourself for these needy feelings and actions only perpetuates the problem, reinforcing the negative beliefs your neediness triggers. You are your own worst judge, and it becomes a shame storm of biblical proportions.

If you find yourself in this situation, realize it’s about you and your negative beliefs; it has nothing to do with the other person and what they did or didn’t give you. All they have done is trigger what already lives inside of you. Seeking validation from someone else that you’re ok will keep you stuck in the needy cycle. So how do you get out? This may be surprising, but don’t try to halt your neediness because that will just keep the energy trapped inside you. If you’ve already started down that path, let the crazy out. Then, feel the shame. It’s awful, but the more you hide from it the worse it is. When you connect with your feelings and build your value, you won’t need to cling because you’re getting what you need from yourself.

No one wants to be called “needy” or “clingy,” so if you’re exhibiting this kind of behavior, you may be afraid to recognize and acknowledge it. It’s the last thing you want to admit to, especially if you fear judgment for it. Usually, you are in a relationship where you feel your needs are ignored or you have to be extra-special to get them fulfilled. Your image starts to crack, revealing your neediness. Then the shame kicks in because you do NOT want that label.

Neediness comes from a deep need to be validated and not abandoned by someone else. Maybe you feel misunderstood by your partner, and have this burning desire for him/her to understand you. But when that attempt fails, the walls close in and you feel out of control so you cling even tighter, while simultaneously feeling ashamed for your actions. It’s like watching a bad movie you can’t turn off. But blaming yourself for these needy feelings and actions only perpetuates the problem, reinforcing the negative beliefs your neediness triggers. You are your own worst judge, and it becomes a shame storm of biblical proportions.

If you find yourself in this situation, realize it’s about you and your negative beliefs; it has nothing to do with the other person and what they did or didn’t give you. All they have done is trigger what already lives inside of you. Seeking validation from someone else that you’re ok will keep you stuck in the needy cycle. So how do you get out? This may be surprising, but don’t try to halt your neediness because that will just keep the energy trapped inside you. If you’ve already started down that path, let the crazy out. Then, feel the shame. It’s awful, but the more you hide from it the worse it is. When you connect with your feelings and build your value, you won’t need to cling because you’re getting what you need from yourself.

How often do you ask yourself why you’re here, and what your purpose is? I think everyone wrestles with this at some point in their life. You might be looking for signs you’re headed in the right direction so you don’t make a “wrong” decision and possibly fail. Maybe you’ve had a number of different jobs because none of them quite fit. Each provided something, but none of them lead to feeling you’d found your calling. You were looking for that lightning bolt and instead felt confused by your apathy. Instead of looking inside for answers, you changed jobs, hoping the next one would be THE ONE. The problem is you’re looking at it backwards. Experiences don’t come from purpose; purpose comes from experiences. It is by doing that you end up stumbling upon your purpose, and your purpose is the ongoing journey.

I used to have grandiose ideas of what finding my purpose would feel like—it was going to be big. Millions would be drawn to my work! My relationships would be out of this world! So of course, when those lightning bolts didn’t hit, I was faced with a lot of disappointment because I wasn’t getting closer to the pinnacle I envisioned. It wasn’t until I started surrendering to life that my purpose started to take shape. Now I simply have experiences, without any expectation of where they might lead; it’s fun! That uncertainty may sound scary, but to me it’s exciting because the world truly is my oyster. It’s not about giant highs and lows—it’s about the little experiences that give meaning to my life every day. It’s not to say BIG experiences do not happen, they do, but it is not the extreme feelings of success or failure. It is the living I do with whatever is going on, rather than shrinking from it.

If you find yourself asking yourself what your purpose is, you’re not fully living in some way. Instead, ask what you’re afraid to commit to, then take a small step in that direction. Don’t sit and think about it—do it! When you’re at a crossroads, commit to a direction and be open to the experiences that follow. There are no true right and wrong decisions when it comes to your life path, and you will never mentally figure it out. The more you try, the more stuck you’ll become from doing things the same old way. Many great success stories start with a small kernel that leads to the next step and then the next. Your meaning isn’t at the end of the Yellow Brick Road… it’s in your everyday. Move toward what lights you up and let the path lead where it may.

This is a pretty taboo topic: dating someone who is in another relationship. I hear from a lot of people in this kind of attached relationship entanglement (and yes, it’s always rooted in insecure attachment). There’s often a fight between wanting to put an expiration date on the relationship, and riding off into the sunset together. Unfortunately neither is a reality when you’re in this place. If you say goodbye, you have an anxiety attack; if you stay, you feel trapped. It’s a no-win situation.

If you’re currently in this situation, how much time to you spend thinking about the other person, wondering what they’re doing with their spouse or significant other? How often do you build a story, then start reacting to it, sending yourself into a tizzy? Perhaps you are tired of torturing yourself, but you can’t stop and you can’t let go. This scenario also provides fantastic evidence that you don’t deserve a happy relationship (which isn’t true, but you believe it’s true).

Dating someone who is in another relationship means you are emotionally unavailable. It’s not about the other person, it’s about YOU, so you have to deal with the feelings that landed you here. It's not simply about ending the relationship because it’s important to understand why you’ve chosen it, and what you’re getting from it, otherwise you’ll just jump into another one. The relationship is a symbol for how much value you believe you have. Thinking the person you’re dating will suddenly wake up and become available is a disappointment you’re setting yourself up for. Even if they leave their partner for you, your relationship will be based in attachment and emotionally unavailability. The first step to letting go is to stop resisting where you are. Nothing will change until you decide to stop fighting. Focus on yourself and look at the feelings you’re avoiding. Remember—it’s about you and where YOU are emotionally unavailable. Acknowledging that will put you a step closer to understanding how you got here, and how you can let go.

Sometimes you may judge others harshly—you don’t like the way they act, talk, breathe, spend money, dress, parent their children or perhaps even the way they treat you. But when you judge others, it’s really a form of self-judgment. Your inner judge provokes a reaction from your negative core beliefs, making you feel justified, angry and/or ashamed. If your partner says they are leaving you because you don’t love him/her enough or that you’re selfish, it might trigger the belief that you’re horrible and unlovable. You may find yourself trying to convince your partner to stay by jumping through hoops to prove your love and that you are not selfish. But it’s actually not about his/her judgment of you; you’re trying to convince your own judge. Instead of trying to fix things by overperforming, look at what you don’t accept about yourself. What makes you feel so unlovable? This question comes with a lot of heavy emotions, so instead of feeling them, your pattern is to put energy outside of yourself toward trying to fix the relationship. Your “logic” and patterns may suggest that if you succeed, you won’t have to deal with those awful feelings. But trust me, that fix is only temporary.

Your fear of being judged by others is fueled by the fear that it might be true. You do not react to something you don’t believe is true on some level; you only react when some nasty belief lives inside you. The nasty belief says, “yes, the criticism must be true.” This is why your overcompensating falls flat at some point—because of the part of you which you ignore. You don’t want to look at your flaws and the insecure parts of yourself because it’s painful. But the reality is, your inner judge will judge you as long as you fight it and defend yourself; as long as you blame others and do not own your negative beliefs. And guess what? As long as you do those things, others will feel justified in judging you too. When you start to realize it’s about you (not them), you’re able to take your power back. You can control how you judge yourself, but you can’t control how others judge you. Trying to “fix” them or the situation does nothing to fix yourself.

When in a state of reaction, instead of going into autopilot fix-it mode, stop yourself and sit with your feelings. Where does that shame come from? What belief is triggered? As you build your value and accept yourself as you are, judgment from others ceases to overwhelm you. Your inner judge quiets down and the opinions of others simply don’t matter. You’ll also find yourself judging others less because when you accept who you are, you’re able to let other people be who THEY are. Even if they wear jeans to a formal dinner party!

Even if you agree with someone much of the time, you don’t see everything the same way. There is no objective reality; it’s always colored by your childhood, experiences and biases. Yet you probably expend time and energy trying to get people to see things from your perspective. Why do people need to see the world the same way you do? You can send a text to five different people and they may ALL have a different idea of what it means. Nothing is objective. Your view of the world only belongs to you.

An example of this is someone not approving of your partner. Maybe your brother doesn’t think he/she is “good enough” for you. He ignores your partner or makes snide comments behind his/her back. You, on the other hand, think your partner is wonderful and can’t understand what the issue is. The thing is, your brother’s opinion says more about him than it does about your partner (or about you and your choice of partner). It’s about his view of life and underlying beliefs. Trying to convince him of your partner’s amazing qualities is futile.

Everyone sees things differently, and that’s ok. It is difficult for people to accept because we want to believe our perspective is the right one, but there is no right or wrong; your opinion is yours and only yours. Ask yourself why you place so much importance on someone else’s opinion. Is it triggering something you don’t accept about yourself, or that you don’t want to feel? Instead of trying to change someone’s mind, look at it as an opportunity to address what you’re avoiding in yourself.

A healthy relationship has nothing to do with finding that perfect person, or someone who doesn’t trigger you emotionally. It’s about intimacy and connection, which are bound to poke those triggers. This isn’t a bad thing, and instead of shoving the pain down, it’s better to let it loose. Whether you’re dating or in a committed relationship, do you pick your partner apart? Maybe you treat them as if they are not a human being… not that you would want to admit that. But look at how you build a case against them, thinking everything they do and say must satisfy your needs. When coming from this place, it’s easy to forget they are flawed humans with feelings—just like you.

People aren’t perfect, nor can they be reduced to a list of characteristics, and treating them as who you need them to be rather than who they are doesn’t lead to connection. It’s a way to stay closed, discounting or rejecting them for every scratch and flaw. Again, whether married or single, it boils down to how intimate we allow ourselves to be with another imperfect human. It can also be used to confirm your “I’m meant to be alone” belief (even if you are in a relationship). Connection is messy and requires emotional courage. It requires being open to getting hurt, and allowing a flawed person to get close. Treating people like objects keeps you acting from a place of fear, avoiding your own feelings and making them almost surreal. When judging someone else, it always comes from fear, and is a means of keeping others at a distance.

When you are closed and fearful, it’s easy to point out other peoples’ issues while thinking you’re free and clear. True emotional intimacy comes from accepting yourself and others as flawed humans, letting go of the illusion of perfection. When you allow yourself to be emotionally triggered, and let that imperfect beast loose, you connect. Opening yourself up to experiences is critical. Look at your thoughts about the relationship. Where do you seek perfection because you are afraid of getting close unless they do something to ensure it is okay? Are your thoughts negative and rooted in scarcity? The more you move out of scarcity, take responsibility for your choices and view the world as an abundant place, the more accepting and courageous you become. This is what allows space for true human-to-human connections.

Your version of reality is very much your own; no one else sees the world exactly the same way you do. This becomes particularly muddled when you reflect back on events, making yourself out to be a martyr, victim, rescuer or persecutor based on your belief system. You believe what you want to believe, and your perception is used to justify your feelings of anger, blame, self-righteousness, etc. You can make yourself out to be the good guy or the bad guy based on your interpretation of the same event. Perhaps you’ll expect confirmation from others whose perception may or may not align with yours.

In a dating scenario, say your date wasn’t interested in a commitment, but still wanted to hang out as friends. Even though you wanted more, you agreed, hoping things would change. Perhaps you even convinced yourself that the relationship was more than just friendship by watching every detail of their actions or nuance of their words, but when things didn’t turn out the way you wanted, you built a story where he/she was the villain and you were the helpless victim.

Realizing the past may not be exactly as you remember it can release you from your limited view of life. How freeing it is to not paint yourself into a corner with the only possibility being your skewed memory! Allowing for different perspectives, and being able to see those alternative viewpoints, can empower you to make choices out of love rather than fear. When you hold tightly to your view out of fear, you’re using your bias to keep yourself in a particular emotional state—whether positive or negative. With the dating scenario, taking responsibility for seeing things the way you WANTED to can help you make different decisions in the future. You are in control of how you look at events in the rear view mirror. To have greater emotional freedom, realize there are multiple perspectives, and yours is simply one of them.