Freedom from Attachment

Resistance is everywhere, and it’s always in reaction to something. That means it’s not an innate action; it’s learned. And you know what that means? It can be unlearned, but it’s tough when people are resistant to being in resistance! Resistance means you have a problem with something in your reality. You don’t want to accept things as they are. You’ll find it crop up in relationships, jobs, politics, friendships… everywhere.

Many people are resistant to seeing relationships as they really are. Instead they create a fantasy based on what they want, then react negatively when the reality doesn’t match. Fear of loss is usually at the core, so people avoid their feelings and mentally strategize ways of forcing the reality they want. Staying in this place and feeling like crap is usually preferable to giving up on the fantasy because it’s safe and doesn’t require you to do anything differently. But it will never lead to what you want.

To move out of resistance, stop complaining about the situation. Accept things AS THEY ARE and refocus your energy on what emotional action you can take to change things. The antidote to resistance is action, but not mental action. You must be present and connected to the action emotionally. Robotically doing things differently will not move you out of resistance because it’s your attempt to solve things mentally. Emotionally risky actions are scary, but once you leap, and keep leaping, you’ll feel a whole lot better. This is how the patterns of resistance break down.

When you walk around with resentful feelings toward other people or situations, you create a dark cloud of misery. This pattern of fixating on the negative takes everything to the extreme, spiraling from one negative to another. It goes back to childhood where the negative perspective was cultivated, so it feels hopeless. In attached relationships, there’s always something to be upset about—you feel short-changed or have a chip on your shoulder. Perhaps you mask it with a shiny exterior so nobody knows, or perhaps you’re so disconnected from yourself, you don’t realize how you feel. No matter your situation, inside your head you feel everything in your life sucks.

The problem with fixating on the negative is it’s a limited perspective, allowing no possible room for happiness or a different viewpoint. You think that when your circumstances change, you’ll be happy, but it’s the INSIDE that needs to change. When you focus on changing the negative outside, it doesn’t affect the negative inside. You will still find something to complain about, I guarantee it. Negativity is all a perception. If there’s something in your partner you can’t accept, look at that quality in yourself and ask what you can’t accept about it. It’s the struggle with your own self-acceptance that leads you to this negative place.

Fixating on what’s wrong outside is a distraction from looking within to identify what you’re not accepting inside. You get to choose how you see the world and your circumstances. Start by looking at what you can’t accept, and your expectations around that. Then challenge those expectations by doing the opposite. You’ll then start to breakdown the patterns and see there is a different way of looking at things. I have a free download that walks through the steps of shifting your perspective. Get it at www.tracycrossley.com/podcast/229.

People think “selfish” is a dirty word, so there’s a lot of fear around it. They’ve had it beat into them that being selfish is bad, which leads to people-pleasing. When you succumb to people-pleasing, you’re constantly at the mercy of the rest of the world to validate you. You think if you don’t give to someone else or do what they want, you’re being selfish. And being selfish makes you feel guilty! You become so focused on not wanting to be selfish you walk on eggshells, over-doing to avoid the label. Try as hard as you can to be a saint and it won’t matter—when you try to compensate for your negative beliefs, it comes back to bite you.

The thing is, you’re never going to feel good when you go against yourself. You end up in this pattern of giving, thinking you’ll be seen as a good person and eventually get something in return. But when that doesn’t happen, you end up resentful… and then you try even harder. It’s a vicious cycle that’s not only painful, it also stops you from getting close to people. I know you’re afraid you won’t be likeable if you’re “selfish,” but if someone only likes you when you’re catering to their every whim, ask yourself if that’s really a two-way relationship. What are you getting out of it? Is it worth it?

Taking care of yourself doesn’t make you selfish, but giving to get does. Yep, when you give out of obligation, you’re not coming from a genuine place. You’re manipulating to get something—be it attention, validation, acceptance, etc. That’s actually more selfish than taking care of yourself. So, if you want to feel good and stop putting others before yourself, embrace being selfish. You’ll find that when you allow it rather than resisting, you’re able to own it. Make “selfish” a positive word in your vocabulary; it means you’re taking care of yourself instead of always prioritizing someone else. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Only then can you truly give from your heart.

Overthinking is about fear and avoidance. When something happens around us, our brains work overtime to create a strategy for dealing with it. It becomes a game of mental ping pong, which is not productive because we’re just reacting to events outside of us. Aside from making us crazy, it can also be unpleasant for those around us. Ever been around someone who changes their mind 1,000 times? Yep, that’s fun. Mental strategizing is a way of avoiding our feelings.

If you’re dating or in a relationship, how many times do you overthink texts you send? When to send it, how he/she will react when reading it, etc. You play out every possible scenario in your head, and send the text to get the response you’re looking for instead of what’s authentically true. Vulnerability is scary, so the brain takes over and tries to control the outcome. Except it doesn’t work, and it just ties your stomach up in knots. You have to get out of your head and focus on your feelings instead. Yes, folks, everything comes back to feelings.

Mental strategies and problem-solving will NOT make unpleasant feelings go away. It’s a distraction where you expend a ton of energy to end up nowhere productive. Instead of staying in this state of friction, ask yourself what your goal is. Are you actually working toward a solution or are you just creating more problems? You’ll find it’s often the latter. The next time you feel yourself caught in your head, second-guessing yourself and making yourself crazy, STOP. Recognize what you’re doing, then connect with your gut. Stop sending yourself on a wild goose chase when a straight line will do just fine.

As you grow and become empowered, everything changes around you. One of the more difficult parts of growth is possible loss. As you grow, what used to suit you doesn’t anymore. Other people may see you differently and not like it, and/or you may see THEM differently and not like it. In general, people want you to stay the same because it’s comfortable, even if they don’t consciously realize what is making them uncomfortable. Sensing something is different about you makes them uneasy. But empowerment means you get to feel good in any situation, knowing you can decide how you respond (or don’t respond). And that’s pretty amazing. Instead of trying to please others, you realize it’s disappointing; and if you are constantly giving up your power, you quickly find yourself angry and resentful. Empowerment changes that—the power is within you for your own happiness. It does not exist externally.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in the drama of other people, personalizing what they say and do. It used to happen with my parents all the time. I’d find myself upset by the way my mom treated my dad, but I’ve finally gotten to a place of compassion where I’m able to see both of them for who they are. Instead of being a participant and internalizing everything, I’m a spectator. The things that used to drive me crazy no longer do because I’ve learned how to take care of myself and not allow the issues of others affect me. Other people may not change, but you get to choose if and how you participate.

Empowerment means you get to be you no matter what anyone else thinks, says or wants. It’s important if you want to be in control of your life. How many people do you dread seeing because you don’t want to get stuck in their drama? Well, you can choose NOT to get stuck in it. It really is a choice. You don’t need to avoid these people or cut them out of your life; quite the contrary. You get to decide how you interact with them, and how much you personalize it. Empowerment comes from being around them, but not engaging. It really is a choice.

We don’t realize how much we stand in our own way, making excuses to prove we can’t have what we want. These self-fulfilling prophecies, based on our negative beliefs, end up creating our reality. And it’s a reality we don’t want. I see this play out in relationships all the time. If you think you’re destined to be alone, you better believe that’s operating in the background, affecting your thoughts and behavior… and it happens whether you’re in a relationship or not. Those subconscious beliefs go against your conscious thoughts.

People who have a lot of self-defeating feelings punish themselves. They don’t think they deserve a healthy relationship, so they sabotage their efforts to find one. They make excuses, “All the good ones are taken,” or “He/she wants someone more successful than me.” It’s a pattern. Even people who SAY they want a healthy relationship when they aren’t in one have an unconscious desire to prove their negative belief is correct (i.e. they don’t deserve it). That can manifest as saying to yourself, “See, I just blew that again. I’ll never find someone.” And so continues the cycle of the self-fulfilling prophecies: constantly producing evidence you don’t deserve, or you’re meant to be alone. But once you’re conscious of it, you can change it.

Self-fulfilling prophecies are a choice. YOU get to decide what your future is. Will that future be based on your negative beliefs, or will you challenge those beliefs and stop using them as excuses? If you say you want something, yet build evidence you can’t have it, you’re going to be constantly disappointed. Pay attention to what you tell yourself and the excuses you give. Catch it, then challenge it. The present and the future are not pre-written. You get to create your reality.

Do you find yourself reacting to every little thing in your life, as though a force outside of you is carelessly tossing all your wants and desires to the wind? Or do you believe you’re the creator—in charge of your destiny? It can be a big surprise when you become aware of what you are reacting to. When you come from a place of control and blame, that’s reacting, especially when you believe it is someone else’s fault; it’s a disempowering place to operate from. You may be so wired to what someone else says or does that your whole life is lived in reaction. Whether with strangers or people you know, you get triggered and boom! You are stuck, repeating the same patterns. When you’re wrapped up in the emotions of another person and find everything revolves around how you respond to them, you’re avoiding your own feelings. Yep, reaction is a form of avoidance.

When I was in relationships where my needs weren’t met, I reacted to what my partner was doing while constantly trying to control both my emotions and his. Where did it leave me? Feeling pretty helpless and crappy. Reactors never choose themselves or their happiness because they don’t know how. You become the creator by taking responsibility; by chilling out and not always needing to be the driver. So how do you do that? Look at where you have expectations, and how you react when the outcome isn’t what you want. Look at where you blame and what you’re ashamed to take responsibility for. You are the common denominator for what doesn’t work in your life. You can stop being the reactor at any moment and become the creator. You always have that choice.

Anxiety and insecure attachment often go hand-in-hand. I’ve thought about this a lot recently because my boyfriend has no real concept of anxiety and that horrible feeling I used to have that I might die. Why? Because he’s securely attached. It’s helped me see how far I’ve come in my own growth because I don’t suffer like I used to, but at the same time I realize how much anxiety played a role in my life, especially with the partners I chose. I used to pick men who had their own issues around insecure attachment, which reflected all of my insecurities and perpetuated this cycle of unease. Healthy relationships based in secure attachment are NOT characterized this way, but I didn’t have a clue; I thought my relationship experiences were perfectly normal.

If you’re not honest with yourself about who you’re choosing and why, you’ll keep focusing on people who reflect your own insecurities, increase your anxiety and aren’t available for emotional support. When in an anxious state, you don’t make choices based on what you want… you unknowingly make them out of fear. You choose relationships that enable you to relive childhood fears of abandonment, creating a constant state of insecure anxiety. To become more secure, you have to consistently connect with those out-of-control feelings. You have to stop engaging in behavior which perpetuates the cycle of making your problems worse, and look at where you are emotionally closed. When you’re able to get to the point where you’re no longer watching the other person to see what happens, it’s a sign you’ve loosened anxiety’s grip on you.

An affirmation is defined as a positive assertion. They are statements you want to be true (which currently aren’t), stated in the present tense AS IF they are true. Like, “I’m in a healthy, loving relationship.” There are different schools of thought around how to use affirmations, and I had a love-hate relationship with them for a long time. The problem was, I didn’t feel an emotional connection to them. The intention was missing. So I came to realize it’s not about the words, it’s what’s BEHIND the words.

Positive statements about yourself aren’t a bad thing—don’t get me wrong. Reminding yourself of your good qualities is always cool, but you have to believe them. Saying you’re rich or beautiful or happy doesn’t make it true if you don’t believe it’s true. On top of that, looking for something externally to change how you feel internally won’t work in the long term. A lot of what we wish for in affirmations may be limited in scope because the way we draw things to us is through the heart not the head. The heart must be open in order to draw what matches it. So the fundamental problem with affirmations is they don’t work if you don’t believe them. And when you say something you don’t believe, it feels awkward. Affirmations are also a great way to stay in your head, which isn’t where change happens.

So what can you use instead of affirmations? Say what’s true, not what’s aspirational. Rather than stating, “I’m in a healthy, loving relationship,” say something like, “I’m not currently where I want to be, but I’m committed to having a healthy relationship and every day I’m doing something to get there.” Doesn’t that sound more authentic? Positive statements without feelings attached are false, and no matter how many times you say them, they won’t work. If a state of well-being is what you’re after, practice gratitude. Being grateful for what you already have is much more powerful than focusing on what you don’t have.

We want other people to give us certainty so we can feel safe… because the outside world is unpredictable. We go to great lengths to control situations in order to feel secure, which only works in the very short term because true safety is found inside. We seek permanence in commitments such as a steady job, marriage, money in the bank, etc. to create that feeling of security. I’m not saying these are bad things, but when people expect them to compensate for their lack of safety inside, dissatisfaction and unhappiness results. We think these symbols are guarantees, but life is unpredictable. Stuff happens! Jobs change, marriages end and money fluctuates, so their security is just an illusion.

This search for certainty is prevalent in attached relationships because having a partner feels stable, even if the relationship is anything but. There is continuity, providing a strange comfort in the expected. Fear of loss comes into play as well—we don’t want to give up what we know for something uncertain, even if certainty equals pain and uncertainty equals the potential for love and joy. The risk seems too great. We’d rather stick to our patterns because we know what to expect.

Securely attached people aren’t immune to bad things happening, but they have a basic trust of life (i.e. “this too shall pass”), and don’t need to hold on so tightly. They have a general feeling of safety that doesn’t rely on those external illusions. Uncertainty in the unknown is terribly uncomfortable and may make you want to jump out of your skin, but instead of looking for certainty in the same old insecurely attached relationship, feel those fearful emotions. Holding on to something outside of us with an iron grip will only provide a false sense of security. Wouldn’t you rather have the real thing and embrace what is unknown? The unknown can be incredibly exciting because in it lies possibility. Uncertainty is where life is.