“I help everyone and no one helps me!” Have you ever said some variation of this, or do you know someone who has? This “woe is me” kind of statement is part of being a martyr/victim; martyr being the flipside of victim. This pattern of thinking and behavior is not only exhausting and stressful, it’s also incredibly disempowering, devoid of any personal responsibility.

It’s related to the drama triangle that I’ve talked about in the past: victim, persecutor, rescuer. When you’re on the drama triangle or suffer from martyr/victim syndrome, you give all your power away. You are manipulating (whether you’re aware of it or not—usually not) in order to get something from someone. Maybe it’s validation or acceptance or love. Whatever it is, when you play the martyr/victim role, you’re after a particular outcome, which means your focus is entirely outside of yourself.

Martyr/victims deny they have a choice in their situation and insist the problem is the other person. Let me tell you, you ALWAYS have a choice. It is only through awareness and taking responsibility that you can start to change things. And believe me, it is a much freer and more empowering position to be in.

“I help everyone and no one helps me!” Have you ever said some variation of this, or do you know someone who has? This “woe is me” kind of statement is part of being a martyr/victim; martyr being the flipside of victim. This pattern of thinking and behavior is not only exhausting and stressful, it’s also incredibly disempowering, devoid of any personal responsibility.

It’s related to the drama triangle that I’ve talked about in the past: victim, persecutor, rescuer. When you’re on the drama triangle or suffer from martyr/victim syndrome, you give all your power away. You are manipulating (whether you’re aware of it or not—usually not) in order to get something from someone. Maybe it’s validation or acceptance or love. Whatever it is, when you play the martyr/victim role, you’re after a particular outcome, which means your focus is entirely outside of yourself.

Martyr/victims deny they have a choice in their situation and insist the problem is the other person. Let me tell you, you ALWAYS have a choice. It is only through awareness and taking responsibility that you can start to change things. And believe me, it is a much freer and more empowering position to be in.

Humans are often led by fear because we’re physiologically wired to survive. This is unfortunate because fear often gets in the way of what we say we want. Because pain feels like a threat to our body, we try to avoid it by overcompensating mentally, looking for external clues that everything is safe. But even if you’re an amazing detective and know what someone else is thinking, you will never be satisfied. Whatever label you give them won’t emotionally make you feel better. You’ll never feel good by proclaiming yourself great and the other person horrible; him or her wrong and you right.

Much of the time we’re afraid, but we don’t know why. If you’re afraid of losing someone, why are you afraid of losing them? Where are you ACTUALLY connected to them? How often do you use chemistry to stay hooked into someone, or keep someone hooked into you? We choose “safe” relationships over love because we don’t want to be rejected or abandoned. If this is what you continually seek, you need to look at your fear around vulnerability, consistency and commitment. Most insecurely attached relationships focus on fear, not love. Love may be there, but fear is in the driver’s seat.

If you’re in a fear-based relationship, it’s an opportunity to grow and stretch yourself while still in it. Leaving that relationship for Perfect Peter or Perfect Paula won’t work because the fear of love is not attached to the other person—it’s attached to you. No one else can make it safe for you to love. You need to find that safety within yourself.

Humans are often led by fear because we’re physiologically wired to survive. This is unfortunate because fear often gets in the way of what we say we want. Because pain feels like a threat to our body, we try to avoid it by overcompensating mentally, looking for external clues that everything is safe. But even if you’re an amazing detective and know what someone else is thinking, you will never be satisfied. Whatever label you give them won’t emotionally make you feel better. You’ll never feel good by proclaiming yourself great and the other person horrible; him or her wrong and you right.

Much of the time we’re afraid, but we don’t know why. If you’re afraid of losing someone, why are you afraid of losing them? Where are you ACTUALLY connected to them? How often do you use chemistry to stay hooked into someone, or keep someone hooked into you? We choose “safe” relationships over love because we don’t want to be rejected or abandoned. If this is what you continually seek, you need to look at your fear around vulnerability, consistency and commitment. Most insecurely attached relationships focus on fear, not love. Love may be there, but fear is in the driver’s seat.

If you’re in a fear-based relationship, it’s an opportunity to grow and stretch yourself while still in it. Leaving that relationship for Perfect Peter or Perfect Paula won’t work because the fear of love is not attached to the other person—it’s attached to you. No one else can make it safe for you to love. You need to find that safety within yourself.

A lot of us live by a philosophy that we may not even be aware of. It’s called: Let me help you feel great while I feel miserable. Awesome philosophy, huh? We think it’s worth feeling like crap in order to have everything around us feel ok and controlled. But look at what you sacrifice for that to happen—and does it ever REALLY turn out ok? Are you free of resentment or do you feel like you’re owed something in return?

When you allow yourself to do things that fill you up, you start living from a place of value and positive sense of well-being INSIDE. There is a cost associated with living for others, and it won’t ever make you happy. There aren’t enough “atta-boys” to fill the void. The small amount of validation we get from making others happy is never enough, and it’s not worth the cost to ourselves. People pleasing is one of the most dissatisfying exercises on the planet. We’re constant at the mercy of others—their moods, issues, whims.

In the end, it doesn’t matter what other people think of you. Trite though it may seem, trying to please them won’t make you happy. On the contrary, there is a high personal cost to it. Is it worth sacrificing your happiness for theirs?

A lot of us live by a philosophy that we may not even be aware of. It’s called: Let me help you feel great while I feel miserable. Awesome philosophy, huh? We think it’s worth feeling like crap in order to have everything around us feel ok and controlled. But look at what you sacrifice for that to happen—and does it ever REALLY turn out ok? Are you free of resentment or do you feel like you’re owed something in return?

When you allow yourself to do things that fill you up, you start living from a place of value and positive sense of well-being INSIDE. There is a cost associated with living for others, and it won’t ever make you happy. There aren’t enough “atta-boys” to fill the void. The small amount of validation we get from making others happy is never enough, and it’s not worth the cost to ourselves. People pleasing is one of the most dissatisfying exercises on the planet. We’re constant at the mercy of others—their moods, issues, whims.

In the end, it doesn’t matter what other people think of you. Trite though it may seem, trying to please them won’t make you happy. On the contrary, there is a high personal cost to it. Is it worth sacrificing your happiness for theirs?

This topic comes from an email inquiry I received about a push/pull relationship between a woman and her partner. Things seemed to be going well for her; she felt they were growing together. From her perspective it is he who pulled away, and so began the pulling away and pushing for supposed intimacy. She wanted to know how to continue being open, as part of her own growth, but also how determine if/when it’s time to move on.

This all comes back to control and our focus on other people. This woman wanted to lasso her partner and control his actions. Not consciously, but when we focus on others, it’s what we do. Our behavior is an attempt to get them to do something (or not do something). We manipulate (or try to) by showing them the behavior we want in an effort to “teach” them. But that’s not our role and it doesn’t work because for the other person to change, it has to come from an emotional place within themselves… not because they’re mimicking our behavior. We all know when we are being manipulated. This is why things may go well for a while, then revert back to “normal.” The push/pull dynamic doesn’t work without both parties participating.

Change is hard for everyone and we can’t force it on others. They have their own crap! All you can do is act consistently from your heart. Hard to do when you’re fixated on someone else’s behavior. It’s to behave consistently by respecting and loving yourself regardless of what your partner does. That’s part of self-love. Trying to push self-awareness on others so they become aligned with your growth doesn’t work… even if you really, really want it to.

This topic comes from an email inquiry I received about a push/pull relationship between a woman and her partner. Things seemed to be going well for her; she felt they were growing together. From her perspective it is he who pulled away, and so began the pulling away and pushing for supposed intimacy. She wanted to know how to continue being open, as part of her own growth, but also how determine if/when it’s time to move on.

This all comes back to control and our focus on other people. This woman wanted to lasso her partner and control his actions. Not consciously, but when we focus on others, it’s what we do. Our behavior is an attempt to get them to do something (or not do something). We manipulate (or try to) by showing them the behavior we want in an effort to “teach” them. But that’s not our role and it doesn’t work because for the other person to change, it has to come from an emotional place within themselves… not because they’re mimicking our behavior. We all know when we are being manipulated. This is why things may go well for a while, then revert back to “normal.” The push/pull dynamic doesn’t work without both parties participating.

Change is hard for everyone and we can’t force it on others. They have their own crap! All you can do is act consistently from your heart. Hard to do when you’re fixated on someone else’s behavior. It’s to behave consistently by respecting and loving yourself regardless of what your partner does. That’s part of self-love. Trying to push self-awareness on others so they become aligned with your growth doesn’t work… even if you really, really want it to.

Where is your focus? If you’re listening to this podcast, I can pretty much guarantee it’s not on you. We spend a crazy amount of time focusing on other people in order to get what we need—usually validation that we’re ok. As kids, many of us were told to stop feeling a certain way; that it was selfish. So we grew up believing our feelings were wrong or unjustified. Naturally, we stopped trusting them. Since then we’ve been trying to figure out what’s wrong with us, so we look to others for reassurance we’re ok. If they don’t give it to us, our world turns upside down. We feel completely out of control and anxiety takes over.

But how can we give another fallible human that power over us? Why are they the benchmark? What we don’t realize is people have their OWN crap, so the approval we’re seeking is based on another flawed person’s opinion. It doesn’t mean anything. When we try so hard to get people to like us in order to feel ok, it’s actually more selfish than focusing on ourselves. When we want them to act the way WE want them to, we’re not allowing life to be life. It’s so much freer to let people be who they are and turn the focus back on ourselves. What are you avoiding? Connect with yourself. Feel your feelings. It’s overwhelming, but it will set you free.

Where is your focus? If you’re listening to this podcast, I can pretty much guarantee it’s not on you. We spend a crazy amount of time focusing on other people in order to get what we need—usually validation that we’re ok. As kids, many of us were told to stop feeling a certain way; that it was selfish. So we grew up believing our feelings were wrong or unjustified. Naturally, we stopped trusting them. Since then we’ve been trying to figure out what’s wrong with us, so we look to others for reassurance we’re ok. If they don’t give it to us, our world turns upside down. We feel completely out of control and anxiety takes over.

But how can we give another fallible human that power over us? Why are they the benchmark? What we don’t realize is people have their OWN crap, so the approval we’re seeking is based on another flawed person’s opinion. It doesn’t mean anything. When we try so hard to get people to like us in order to feel ok, it’s actually more selfish than focusing on ourselves. When we want them to act the way WE want them to, we’re not allowing life to be life. It’s so much freer to let people be who they are and turn the focus back on ourselves. What are you avoiding? Connect with yourself. Feel your feelings. It’s overwhelming, but it will set you free.