Freedom from Attachment

Do you know people who pick fights all the time? They look for an opening to push their opinion or agenda. Or what about those who look for ways to manipulate and undermine others so they feel in control? Maybe YOU even have those tendencies at times. I facetiously use the terms bully and dictator because they provide an effective visual, although they’re more descriptive of behavior patterns than actual personalities. These are the people who want everything to go their way (my way or the highway!) and punish those who don’t go along with the program.

The thing is, beneath all the bravado is an empty space. They may have zero awareness of what is going on with them. They think if you don’t do things their way, it means something is wrong with them. If you don’t see things their way, they have no value. They may start to get anxious, forceful, needy or even clingy, needing you to see their perspective. It all stems from insecurity and negative beliefs. They’re used to not receiving love, attention, acceptance or validation, so in relationships they look for partners who invalidate them, don’t accept them and don’t give them attention. It’s because that’s what they know, unconsciously. They actually WANT a partner they can’t convince to go along with their program, or someone who goes against them more often than not. Crazy, right?

When people act this way, it can be hard for them to acknowledge, but that’s the only way to stop. If you catch yourself moving into dictator mode, ask what you’re trying to get. Is it adoration? Acceptance? Why? If you want healthy relationships, intimate or otherwise, you have to connect with those feelings of emptiness. Feel them. Then start by letting go of control, inch by inch. And if you know people in your life who exude bully and dictator behavior, show them compassion because it means they’re in pain. Fighting back will only fuel the fire, making their emotional armor even stronger.

A lot of people have one foot in and one foot out… in all areas of life. In this podcast, however, I’m going to focus on commitment (or lack thereof) when it comes to long-term relationships, whether you are in one or want to be in one. We are often quick to point out someone else’s commitment issues while failing to see our own. Remember, other people are a mirror for you. Whatever you identify as a problem in someone else is likely a problem for you.

As an example: When you think, “If my partner really loved me, he/she would marry me,” you’re focused on what you can get from them; you’re giving your power away. That statement comes from fear, not love. Marriage may provide temporary validation, but it can’t fill the emptiness inside of you. In dysfunctional relationships, we wait for the other person to change, because we think WE are the healthy one. Nope, not true. It takes two to tango so if you believe it’s all on your partner, you’re wrong.

The question isn’t, “How do I get a commitment from my partner?” You need to ask yourself why you want the commitment, and why it’s more important than anything else. Dig deep, why must you have this commitment? What does it give you inside of yourself? Where do you feel insecure, and why do you think that will go away if this person commits to you? These are hard questions, but you need to be clear with yourself before you can have clarity with your partner… which is the next step. Have a conversation that isn’t an ultimatum. Say what’s true for you. Get vulnerable and express your fears. Commitment isn’t about the other person; it’s about honoring yourself and what you want on a DEEPER level.

So many of you avoid feeling your feelings because you don’t know what’s on the other side. You’re afraid painful emotions might totally consume you, sending you deep into an abyss. Like if you try to release even the smallest bit, the flood gates will open and you’ll be stuck in a pit of pain forever. It’s not true. Actually, when you avoid your feelings, nothing in your life changes. Nothing. You just keep carrying around the same luggage filled with heaviness, sadness, depression, anger, anxiety, etc., pretending it’s not there. But let me tell you, ignoring it will NOT make it go away.

Numbing with substances, creating problems to solve, keeping busy, escaping through TV and social media are all ways you may distract yourself from your feelings. But as you shove them down, the pressure builds and eventually they need an outlet. This may take the form of lashing out at someone in anger or blaming them for your pain, when really you’re angry at yourself because your avoidance strategies haven’t worked. Remember, blame is a powerless position, and your choices brought you here even if it seemed like the only option. The more you feel your disappointment and take responsibility for your actions, the more empowered you become.

If you want healthy, connected relationships and an overall fulfilling life, you have to feel your feelings. There’s no other way. And it’s not about feeling the anger and stopping there. That’s just the surface emotion. Under the anger is fear, which sits atop a swell of unknown emotions… the ones you’re afraid will consume you. But it’s connecting with THOSE feelings that will set you free. So how do you do that? I have a free download to walk you through it. Being able to do this is life-changing, and the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Remember, emotions won’t kill you. Trust yourself to handle them. Download “How To Feel Your Feelings”:http://bit.ly/2mVtiSB.

Resistance to reality is an unwillingness to see things as they truly are. It’s the struggle you’re in when you fight against an unsatisfactory situation, trying to change it through force, manipulation or any tactic where you’re trying to control the outcome. It’s the fear you feel in the face of change. In insecurely attached relationships, resistance abounds. Perhaps you are resistant to accepting your own emotions AND the emotions or position of your partner. You may even be resistant to the fact you’re stuck in this dysfunctional relationship. Because you want things to be different, you deny reality and hope something will miraculously change. Anything you do (or purposely don’t do) to impact someone else comes from this resistant state, otherwise you’d stop trying to control everything and just let things be as they are. Resistance to reality leads to the place many insecurely attached people live… fantasy land. And when you’re in fantasy land, it’s really hard to change things because you can't allow yourself to let go of control. This fear of the "feeling" around letting go keeps you stuck as you imagine yourself in an extreme state of anxiety, like you’ll bottom out and your life may be over.

The opposite of resistance is acceptance and surrender. Yes, easier said than done because this is not a mental exercise. Simply telling yourself to let go and accept everything as it is doesn’t work. You actually have to FEEL it. And own it. To start breaking up resistance, accept you’re where you are (don’t be resistant to the fact you’re in resistance!). If you’re in an dysfunctional relationship, sit down, close your eyes, find the pain in your body and say to yourself, “Ok, this is where I am right now. It’s not what I want, but it’s where I am.” Let the pain or whatever you feel surface, then see if you’re able to connect with the feeling of surrendering to the situation as it is. This doesn’t mean you’re happy with it, it just means you acknowledge where you are right now. Only then can you start making changes toward a life and a reality that fulfills you. So simple, and yet so hard.

The word “sorry” is thrown around a lot in our culture, and you may think simply saying it absolves you of wrongdoing. But what about those of us who include a disclaimer after our apologies? I’m sorry, BUT… (I was provoked, you pushed my buttons, you were out of line, etc.). Is that a sincere apology? When you say you’re sorry while placing blame on someone else, that’s a half apology. It means you’re not taking full responsibility, which doesn’t feel very good.

Maybe you’re invited out to dinner with friends, but you show up late. Upon arrival you apologize, but say someone should’ve picked a restaurant that was more convenient. Instead of owning your part of not planning well, you blame someone else. Or you get mad at someone for what they say and do not look at how you participated in creating the problem. Instead you say it’s all their fault, but is it? Perhaps you apologize for what you said about this person to others, but still feel they are to blame. You may make these half apologies for fear of being wrong or appearing weak. You want to look like the bigger person and feel you’re doing the right thing, but it’s a place of false power. Blaming of any sort puts you in victimhood. Even if you take some of the responsibility, if you don’t own your part from beginning to end, you miss out on a great opportunity to be empowered.

Folks, it’s ok to mess up! We’re all human. The next time you’re tempted to put an asterisk after your apology, ask yourself what you’re afraid of. Is it fear of rejection? Losing status? Not being perfect? Appearing flakey? Not being the “winner”? By not taking responsibility for your actions, do you think you’re preventing those fears from happening? You can’t control what someone does or how they see you. The bottom line is half apologies are inauthentic. It’s a form of hiding and you’ll keep doing it until you start owning your apologies fully, without blame.

Insecurely attached people tend to over-perform and over-compensate for the lack of value they feel inside. They think they have to work extra hard, running the race backwards, in order earn love and attention. This goes beyond people-pleasing. It’s a drive to show someone you’re worth it, needing that external validation, and fearing if you don’t over-perform, you’ll be rejected or abandoned. You may project your low self-esteem on your partner, going above and beyond to show them how wonderful they are so they won’t feel like crap inside. But it’s more a reflection of how you feel about yourself than it being about them.

You might push, force or cling, trying to avoid disappointment yet setting yourself up for it by constantly giving to get: cooking a nice dinner or catering to what someone else wants with strings attached. You think you’re giving in a loving way, but it’s really giving so they won’t leave or so you feel valuable enough to deserve them. Over-performing is a pattern, and like all patterns, it can be broken. Pay attention to your tendencies. If you feel yourself wanting to overdo something, stop and sit with what drives you. Is it anxiety? Discomfort? Fear? Neediness? Do you owe someone something as if their time is more valuable than yours?

Value can’t be gotten from someone else, and over-performing doesn’t work in the long run anyway. It keeps you on the hamster wheel of always strategizing what you should do next. It causes anxiety and feeds your negative beliefs, keeping you stuck in the same patterns. If what you really want is love and attention, ask how you can give it to yourself. It is only by taking different actions and focusing on self-love that we can break these patterns.

Many people go through life with a certain level of pain, not realizing how much of their behavior is driven by it. What is pain? Anything in your life that is dissatisfying. It’s whatever you feel you can’t handle, or what you TRY to handle with mental strategies. Pain is attached to your negative core beliefs (and there is usually more than one operating): I’m worthless, I don’t deserve, I’m a failure, I’m unlovable, I’m meant to be alone, etc.

Although pain is familiar because it’s what we know, we also try to avoid feeling it by numbing, distracting and punishing ourselves or others. Wherever you have a dysfunctional relationship, pain is likely at play. Unfortunately you can’t get rid it by snapping your fingers, but you can move it out of the driver’s seat by getting uncomfortable. Discomfort is actually the opposite of pain. It requires you to let go of control, sit with unpleasant emotions and take different actions. Can you see the difference? Public speaking is uncomfortable, but it’s not pain.

When you operate from a place of love and vulnerability, opportunities appear. When you operate from pain, nothing works. As you become aware of pain as your motivation, and how it is tied to your negative beliefs, you can start to break it down. I have a free download to help you identify your core negative beliefs and challenge them. Grab it here http://bit.ly/2EbbzwF.

When a relationship ends, people say they want “closure,” but what does that even mean? What specifically are they looking for? They THINK they emotionally let go, but they still hang on to the hope of some kind of resolution. Unfortunately there’s no such thing as closure, and the need for it comes from a state of attachment. No one owes you anything. And even if you do get what you feel you’re entitled to, it won’t truly make you feel better because what you’re looking for can’t come from another person.

Those who seek closure are really after validation. They want to know the relationship was worthwhile. They want to be recognized for how wonderful they are, and for how much they gave. Often their emotions weren’t taken care of in the relationship, so they seek that after the breakup, thinking it will magically happen; like their ex will finally see the light. Closure doesn’t solve any of this, and the pursuit of validation doesn’t end until you give yourself what you’re looking for. Pay attention to your feelings. What do you really need? What are you asking of another person (in words or actions) that you don’t give to yourself? Instead of blaming your ex and needing something from him/her, feel those feelings of having let yourself down. Realize your anger is toward YOU, not them. Thinking someone owes you is a powerless position; you can’t force people to do anything. And if it’s closure you’re seeking, you will never get it from someone else because what you truly need can only come from yourself.

While some things randomly happen out of the blue, when it comes to relationships, almost nothing does. Time shows us over and over that seeds are planted way in the past. Our beliefs set the stage for how we see life, leading to judgments and misunderstandings. We have beliefs about right and wrong, but it’s only our perception. Look at your relationships—romantic, friendships, etc. Where did you rescue or people please or act as the “good friend” in order to appear a certain way? The way we see the world and act toward others is directly related to our childhood. In my friendships I was often the fixer, the rescuer and the smart one. I was also tightly wound, grappling with my insecurities and my value.

We often try to convince others we are right, and those with a different perspective are wrong. But then you need to ask yourself why you’re working so hard. Where does your perception come from? It has nothing to do with right or wrong. It just is. Acknowledging and accepting that other people see things differently can have a huge impact on how you interact with them. Judgment of others is a form of protection, so bring the focus back to you and ask why you don’t like that quality in yourself (yep, they’re a mirror for you). If you’re blaming, ask what you want from them, remembering they aren’t seeing things from your perspective. Whatever someone triggers in you isn’t new—it already lives inside

Fear is something we’re all familiar with. We have experiences from childhood that leave us feeling sad, disconnected and fearful, so we go around not trusting life. Instead, we trying to control everything. Attached relationships are born of fear… the fear of intimacy, the fear of being seen, the fear of receiving, etc. Do you know what the opposite of fear is? Love. We choose fear over love all the time without even knowing it.

When we’re afraid, we go straight to our head and try to circumvent it logically, ignoring our gut. We don’t want to make a mistake. When fear leads, we try to control things so we can avoid negative outcomes. Focusing on negative outcomes usually results in them happening, however, which leaves us angry because we think life is working against us. We don’t realize WE are choosing it.

There is always fear when it comes to change, but it’s the degree to which you allow it to rule your decisions. Acknowledge the fear, then get to know it. Ask yourself where it’s coming from and FEEL what comes up. Don’t answer from your head. Maybe it’s a past situation that led to pain so you want to avoid it happening again, like a relationship where you were hurt. But you don’t have to hit repeat. You can approach it differently this time; you can acknowledge your fear and step into it anyway. Fear will leave you feeling empty inside if you let it lead. Stop choosing it.