You attract people exactly where you are. If you’re unavailable, you will attract someone who is unavailable. To attract open, you must BE open. People who are attracted to emotionally unavailable people are attached to UNREALISTIC outcomes, and their idea of a good partner is narrow—as in they need to fit the perfect picture. Maybe you want to meet someone so you don’t spend the holidays alone, providing a very limited opening for what you will accept. Even people who have done work on themselves can be drawn to emotionally unavailable people because it’s familiar. It stems from our negative beliefs, particularly “I am alone” and “there is not really enough.” We often look for evidence our beliefs are true, so we attract painful partners.

As with everything, the first step is awareness. To move toward available, notice what you’re normally drawn to. What checklists do you have? Forget your “type” and pay attention to how certain attractive qualities feel to you. Where do you feel connected when you are with someone? Look for what you usually dismiss (i.e. values). Get to know yourself while being with people (without expectations) and see how you feel about them. Have a conversation without it needing to lead somewhere. Trying to make something happen doesn’t work, so relax and catch yourself if you start picking people apart. You never know when someone will show up, so stay open to possibility. It’s not about control; it’s about surrender.