Have you ever been around someone in a bad mood and think it’s because of you? Because you’ve done something wrong? It usually has nothing to do with you, but we tend to personalize everything when a deep belief is triggered. In this case, the belief is “I’m always wrong.” I lived with this belief for ¾ of my life. In my relationships, I felt responsible for everything that happened because I was always the one who was wrong. Like I had to apologize for breathing. And because I always felt I was wrong, I spent years defending myself and feeling guilty for all the damage done by my “wrongness.” Doesn’t that all sound exhausting? It was, and I’m so done with it.

We are not responsible for how other people feel. You can line 10 people up, say the same thing, and it will be interpreted 10 different ways based on their beliefs. Relationships—intimate and otherwise—take two to tango. We each play a role, and it’s never “I’m always wrong, he/she is always right”. The more you let go of right and wrong, the more freedom you have, and the less you feel compelled to defend yourself. Allow people to be whoever and whatever they are. I have stopped trying to get people to see things the way I see them, or feel the way I do. I can’t control that. Releasing that burden and allowing things to simply be as they are is incredibly liberating. Feelings aren’t right or wrong… they just are. And people aren’t right or wrong, either. It’s all in our perception.

Have you ever been around someone in a bad mood and think it’s because of you? Because you’ve done something wrong? It usually has nothing to do with you, but we tend to personalize everything when a deep belief is triggered. In this case, the belief is “I’m always wrong.” I lived with this belief for ¾ of my life. In my relationships, I felt responsible for everything that happened because I was always the one who was wrong. Like I had to apologize for breathing. And because I always felt I was wrong, I spent years defending myself and feeling guilty for all the damage done by my “wrongness.” Doesn’t that all sound exhausting? It was, and I’m so done with it.

We are not responsible for how other people feel. You can line 10 people up, say the same thing, and it will be interpreted 10 different ways based on their beliefs. Relationships—intimate and otherwise—take two to tango. We each play a role, and it’s never “I’m always wrong, he/she is always right”. The more you let go of right and wrong, the more freedom you have, and the less you feel compelled to defend yourself. Allow people to be whoever and whatever they are. I have stopped trying to get people to see things the way I see them, or feel the way I do. I can’t control that. Releasing that burden and allowing things to simply be as they are is incredibly liberating. Feelings aren’t right or wrong… they just are. And people aren’t right or wrong, either. It’s all in our perception.

There are so many ways we don’t love and value ourselves—in work, relationships, etc. A lot of us don’t even know what it MEANS to love ourselves because there is no functional knowledge of what a healthy relationship is. We may think we know, but it’s usually based on unrealistic expectations. Our partners are actually a mirror for us; we attract people exactly where we are as far as emotional health and availability. If we’re closed off and look for someone who is more open, thinking they can help US be more open, we won’t find them because that’s not what we’ll attract. In order to attract and receive love, you need to have love for yourself. The focus needs to be you, not the other person.

There are many ways to look at self-love, but when it comes to attached relationships, the best place to start is by dispelling the fantasy and looking at reality. Look at your choices and why you make them. Look at how you hold other people responsible for your emotions. See others for who they are, not for who you want them to be. Deal with the disappointment of your relationship not living up to your expectations. Self-love ultimately comes down to self-responsibility. Take a hard look at your role instead of feeling like a victim. That’s how you take care of you. That’s how you value you. That’s how you start down the path to self-love, which leads to truly, authentically loving others… and being truly, authentically loved in return.

There are so many ways we don’t love and value ourselves—in work, relationships, etc. A lot of us don’t even know what it MEANS to love ourselves because there is no functional knowledge of what a healthy relationship is. We may think we know, but it’s usually based on unrealistic expectations. Our partners are actually a mirror for us; we attract people exactly where we are as far as emotional health and availability. If we’re closed off and look for someone who is more open, thinking they can help US be more open, we won’t find them because that’s not what we’ll attract. In order to attract and receive love, you need to have love for yourself. The focus needs to be you, not the other person.

There are many ways to look at self-love, but when it comes to attached relationships, the best place to start is by dispelling the fantasy and looking at reality. Look at your choices and why you make them. Look at how you hold other people responsible for your emotions. See others for who they are, not for who you want them to be. Deal with the disappointment of your relationship not living up to your expectations. Self-love ultimately comes down to self-responsibility. Take a hard look at your role instead of feeling like a victim. That’s how you take care of you. That’s how you value you. That’s how you start down the path to self-love, which leads to truly, authentically loving others… and being truly, authentically loved in return.

There are so many ways we don’t love and value ourselves—in work, relationships, etc. A lot of us don’t even know what it MEANS to love ourselves because there is no functional knowledge of what a healthy relationship is. We may think we know, but it’s usually based on unrealistic expectations. Our partners are actually a mirror for us; we attract people exactly where we are as far as emotional health and availability. If we’re closed off and look for someone who is more open, thinking they can help US be more open, we won’t find them because that’s not what we’ll attract. In order to attract and receive love, you need to have love for yourself. The focus needs to be you, not the other person.

There are many ways to look at self-love, but when it comes to attached relationships, the best place to start is by dispelling the fantasy and looking at reality. Look at your choices and why you make them. Look at how you hold other people responsible for your emotions. See others for who they are, not for who you want them to be. Deal with the disappointment of your relationship not living up to your expectations. Self-love ultimately comes down to self-responsibility. Take a hard look at your role instead of feeling like a victim. That’s how you take care of you. That’s how you value you. That’s how you start down the path to self-love, which leads to truly, authentically loving others… and being truly, authentically loved in return.

Trying to be perfect and keeping our world perfect can make us crazy. We say we’re ok being “perfectly imperfect,” but we really don’t believe it because we take other people personally. We people please to get validation and keep a semblance of control over those we care about, so our perfect world is not destroyed. We not only don’t accept ourselves, we don’t accept others being different than we need them to be. I’ve known clients who freak out if their partner is out of sight; it can feel like abandonment and leave them scrambling to get back to a feeling of everything being under control. And when it is under control, it can seem like perfection. Control, perfection and taking others personally leaves us scrambling; we are never at peace. When we people please, we’re seeking validation, and when we don’t get it, we take it personally. But that just puts the focus on the other person, leading to feelings of anger, jealousy, sadness, etc. Learning not to take people personally can avoid many of these upsets. We’re constantly at odds with life and others in our attempt to be perfect.

We all make mistakes, but it’s not about beating ourselves up. “Perfect” people try to avoid triggers, but when you allow them and see yourself for who you are (imperfect), you can start to change your life. When you’re more accepting of yourself and others, you feel less crazy. Tune into hear more and learn how to chill.

Trying to be perfect and keeping our world perfect can make us crazy. We say we’re ok being “perfectly imperfect,” but we really don’t believe it because we take other people personally. We people please to get validation and keep a semblance of control over those we care about, so our perfect world is not destroyed. We not only don’t accept ourselves, we don’t accept others being different than we need them to be. I’ve known clients who freak out if their partner is out of sight; it can feel like abandonment and leave them scrambling to get back to a feeling of everything being under control. And when it is under control, it can seem like perfection. Control, perfection and taking others personally leaves us scrambling; we are never at peace. When we people please, we’re seeking validation, and when we don’t get it, we take it personally. But that just puts the focus on the other person, leading to feelings of anger, jealousy, sadness, etc. Learning not to take people personally can avoid many of these upsets. We’re constantly at odds with life and others in our attempt to be perfect.

We all make mistakes, but it’s not about beating ourselves up. “Perfect” people try to avoid triggers, but when you allow them and see yourself for who you are (imperfect), you can start to change your life. When you’re more accepting of yourself and others, you feel less crazy. Tune into hear more and learn how to chill.

Trying to be perfect and keeping our world perfect can make us crazy. We say we’re ok being “perfectly imperfect,” but we really don’t believe it because we take other people personally. We people please to get validation and keep a semblance of control over those we care about, so our perfect world is not destroyed. We not only don’t accept ourselves, we don’t accept others being different than we need them to be. I’ve known clients who freak out if their partner is out of sight; it can feel like abandonment and leave them scrambling to get back to a feeling of everything being under control. And when it is under control, it can seem like perfection. Control, perfection and taking others personally leaves us scrambling; we are never at peace. When we people please, we’re seeking validation, and when we don’t get it, we take it personally. But that just puts the focus on the other person, leading to feelings of anger, jealousy, sadness, etc. Learning not to take people personally can avoid many of these upsets. We’re constantly at odds with life and others in our attempt to be perfect.

We all make mistakes, but it’s not about beating ourselves up. “Perfect” people try to avoid triggers, but when you allow them and see yourself for who you are (imperfect), you can start to change your life. When you’re more accepting of yourself and others, you feel less crazy. Tune into hear more and learn how to chill.

There is a huge correlation between insecure attachment and jealousy. With each there is a fear of loss. Insecurely attached people either hold on tightly to painful situations or stay away from relationships due to fear of abandonment. With romantic jealousy, there is a fear of being replaced. Jealousy manifests in different ways, however, depending on your attachment style. Those who are Anxious generally resist expressing their anger because they don’t want to upset the apple cart, while Avoidants use anger to blame their mate. Securely attached individuals tend to express anger toward their partner in a healthy way to maintain the relationship—not sabotage it. In all cases the anger is there, but the way it comes out is quite different.

Jealousy is a threat to how you feel about your relationship, but it’s rooted in how you feel about yourself. If you don’t have an innate sense of safety, you will feel unsafe in your relationship. This leads to distrust where you may look for evidence to support that lack of safety. For example, if you see your partner talking to someone of the opposite sex, it can trigger those unsafe feelings. In the case of the Anxious person, that anger is held back for fear of the relationship ending. For Avoidants, anger is directed in an accusatory way (i.e. “Why do you always talk to women when we’re out together? Am I not enough for you?”). In both situations, a case is being built that their partner is cheating or wants to cheat.

Jealousy is about perception, and how you view it is based on your attachment style. Once you understand that, you can choose to look at it differently. You’ll start to see how your thought and behavior patterns support your value (or lack thereof), and that it actually has nothing to do with the other person. The next time you feel those pangs of jealousy, ask yourself what’s really underneath it. What feelings about yourself are you avoiding?

There is a huge correlation between insecure attachment and jealousy. With each there is a fear of loss. Insecurely attached people either hold on tightly to painful situations or stay away from relationships due to fear of abandonment. With romantic jealousy, there is a fear of being replaced. Jealousy manifests in different ways, however, depending on your attachment style. Those who are Anxious generally resist expressing their anger because they don’t want to upset the apple cart, while Avoidants use anger to blame their mate. Securely attached individuals tend to express anger toward their partner in a healthy way to maintain the relationship—not sabotage it. In all cases the anger is there, but the way it comes out is quite different.

Jealousy is a threat to how you feel about your relationship, but it’s rooted in how you feel about yourself. If you don’t have an innate sense of safety, you will feel unsafe in your relationship. This leads to distrust where you may look for evidence to support that lack of safety. For example, if you see your partner talking to someone of the opposite sex, it can trigger those unsafe feelings. In the case of the Anxious person, that anger is held back for fear of the relationship ending. For Avoidants, anger is directed in an accusatory way (i.e. “Why do you always talk to women when we’re out together? Am I not enough for you?”). In both situations, a case is being built that their partner is cheating or wants to cheat.

Jealousy is about perception, and how you view it is based on your attachment style. Once you understand that, you can choose to look at it differently. You’ll start to see how your thought and behavior patterns support your value (or lack thereof), and that it actually has nothing to do with the other person. The next time you feel those pangs of jealousy, ask yourself what’s really underneath it. What feelings about yourself are you avoiding?