Freedom from Attachment

The idea that healthy relationships are boring is tongue-in-cheek, but that is the perception of people whose experience comes from unhealthy relationships. Until my current “boring” relationship, all previous ones were based in drama, tension and struggle. When you see your partner as the problem (as I used to), it gives you something to focus on. “Why didn’t he/she text me back? Did I say something wrong? Does he/she think I don’t care?” This results in those intense ups and downs which can feel exciting… for a short period of time. Looking back at my past relationships, it feels utterly exhausting.

Some of us are aware of this intensity roller coaster and eventually want healthy and simple rather than complicated and tense. We’re just not sure what to replace the drama with. Oh I have an idea, FUN! There actually IS excitement in happy and healthy that you don’t get from dysfunction, it’s just a different kind of excitement. There is a freedom in being completely who you are. There is contentment in working as a team rather than playing tug-of-war. There is joy in being creative together.

When you are ready to step off the roller coaster of drama and struggle, craving consistency and ease instead, you’ll open yourself up to the possibility of a healthy relationship that is anything but boring.

Guilt and shame are two powerful emotions that keep us stuck. They are unrelenting sources of pain, and constructs of our environment… whether it was our home life as a kid, our culture, our spiritual beliefs, etc. Guilt holds us back from making choices because we owe someone something—even if it’s someone who isn’t currently in our life right now. Shame comes from not deserving because we’re not worthy; we fear we have some fatal flaw. Both make us beat ourselves up because we feel we don’t deserve, or we’ve made a mistake and must be punished. They keep us stuck in the reward/punishment cycle, diminish our self-worth and allow no room for being human.

In an attached relationship, if your motivation comes from guilt, you’re carrying around a heavy weight that you use to beat yourself up. You will have a hard time making decisions, like if you leave prematurely, you may feel you have not given it enough effort. You will feel you did not think of enough strategies or do enough to make it work. If your motivation comes from shame, you cover up who you are. No one gets to know the real you; they only get the airtight pre-packaged parts. And if one of those nasty disowned parts unexpectedly pops out, it creates more shame to swim in. You are looking for acceptance from someone who invalidates you, keeping you in a never-ending battle for validation.

So how do you help yourself deal with these negative feelings, along with the anger, resentment, sadness, anxiety, etc. that comes with it? Ask yourself what you actually want, but don’t answer from your head. You will get the same answer as always, in the form of a lot of chatter and beating yourself up. Ask, “Who am I in this moment? What am I really looking for from the other person and what do I really need for me right now that I can give to me?” Pay attention to the things you do that are authentically you and bit by bit do MORE of that.

Visit the show notes page for a free download, outlining the steps you can take to deal with guilt and shame: http://bit.ly/2zIyKxs

We sabotage ourselves when we don’t think we’re good enough and don’t deserve what we want. We’re afraid we’re going to screw things up, so we play everything small and safe. We don’t trust ourselves to handle a healthy relationship or the challenge of a new job, so instead of taking the leap into the unknown, we self-sabotage to ensure we don’t have those things. It’s a pattern we’ve learned, which means it can be unlearned.

Growing up, my self-sabotaging techniques were to distance myself from others and create drama… and they still come up today with my boyfriend. If I weren’t aware of them and hadn’t done a lot of uncomfortable work connecting with my feelings, I probably would have sabotaged our relationship by now.

We cause our own problems because we believe we don’t deserve better. Instead of perpetuating that belief, observe yourself. What is your motivation? What are you afraid to admit to yourself? Pay attention to your words, thoughts, actions and feelings. Are you distancing yourself? Are you actively going against what you say you want? Awareness is critical. Looking inward and answering these questions will lead to trusting yourself. And when you trust yourself, your need to sabotage will start to subside.

We have warped ideas of what happiness is; that it has to be hard work, and that it is something achieved outside of us. We think if we fail, we don’t deserve to be happy. And we must suffer for it. Where did all of THAT come from? Winning and losing, success and failure—it’s all subjective and it’s all external. If you don’t feel happy inside, where are you going to feel it?

For a long time I let everything become an impediment to my happiness. I stayed single for long periods of time, and even though I love my kids, part of me focused on them to the detriment of experiencing my own life emotionally, as an adult. So I had to look at what I allowed into my life, and that’s a good place to start. What do you say yes or no to? And is it working toward your happiness or creating challenges/problems that stand in the way? For me it was definitely the latter until I became aware of it and started making some changes.

We fight happiness all the time, and what results is a lack of fulfillment inside. Do you know that feeling? It’s awful. The truth is, you can’t have life the way you want it all the time. That’s not what happiness is. Happiness comes from allowing life to be how it is. It comes when we detach from outcomes and surrender to the ebbs and flows. Happiness doesn’t come from doing… it comes from being.

We have warped ideas of what happiness is; that it has to be hard work, and that it is something achieved outside of us. We think if we fail, we don’t deserve to be happy. And we must suffer for it. Where did all of THAT come from? Winning and losing, success and failure—it’s all subjective and it’s all external. If you don’t feel happy inside, where are you going to feel it?

For a long time I let everything become an impediment to my happiness. I stayed single for long periods of time, and even though I love my kids, part of me focused on them to the detriment of experiencing my own life emotionally, as an adult. So I had to look at what I allowed into my life, and that’s a good place to start. What do you say yes or no to? And is it working toward your happiness or creating challenges/problems that stand in the way? For me it was definitely the latter until I became aware of it and started making some changes.

We fight happiness all the time, and what results is a lack of fulfillment inside. Do you know that feeling? It’s awful. The truth is, you can’t have life the way you want it all the time. That’s not what happiness is. Happiness comes from allowing life to be how it is. It comes when we detach from outcomes and surrender to the ebbs and flows. Happiness doesn’t come from doing… it comes from being.

“I help everyone and no one helps me!” Have you ever said some variation of this, or do you know someone who has? This “woe is me” kind of statement is part of being a martyr/victim; martyr being the flipside of victim. This pattern of thinking and behavior is not only exhausting and stressful, it’s also incredibly disempowering, devoid of any personal responsibility.

It’s related to the drama triangle that I’ve talked about in the past: victim, persecutor, rescuer. When you’re on the drama triangle or suffer from martyr/victim syndrome, you give all your power away. You are manipulating (whether you’re aware of it or not—usually not) in order to get something from someone. Maybe it’s validation or acceptance or love. Whatever it is, when you play the martyr/victim role, you’re after a particular outcome, which means your focus is entirely outside of yourself.

Martyr/victims deny they have a choice in their situation and insist the problem is the other person. Let me tell you, you ALWAYS have a choice. It is only through awareness and taking responsibility that you can start to change things. And believe me, it is a much freer and more empowering position to be in.

“I help everyone and no one helps me!” Have you ever said some variation of this, or do you know someone who has? This “woe is me” kind of statement is part of being a martyr/victim; martyr being the flipside of victim. This pattern of thinking and behavior is not only exhausting and stressful, it’s also incredibly disempowering, devoid of any personal responsibility.

It’s related to the drama triangle that I’ve talked about in the past: victim, persecutor, rescuer. When you’re on the drama triangle or suffer from martyr/victim syndrome, you give all your power away. You are manipulating (whether you’re aware of it or not—usually not) in order to get something from someone. Maybe it’s validation or acceptance or love. Whatever it is, when you play the martyr/victim role, you’re after a particular outcome, which means your focus is entirely outside of yourself.

Martyr/victims deny they have a choice in their situation and insist the problem is the other person. Let me tell you, you ALWAYS have a choice. It is only through awareness and taking responsibility that you can start to change things. And believe me, it is a much freer and more empowering position to be in.

Humans are often led by fear because we’re physiologically wired to survive. This is unfortunate because fear often gets in the way of what we say we want. Because pain feels like a threat to our body, we try to avoid it by overcompensating mentally, looking for external clues that everything is safe. But even if you’re an amazing detective and know what someone else is thinking, you will never be satisfied. Whatever label you give them won’t emotionally make you feel better. You’ll never feel good by proclaiming yourself great and the other person horrible; him or her wrong and you right.

Much of the time we’re afraid, but we don’t know why. If you’re afraid of losing someone, why are you afraid of losing them? Where are you ACTUALLY connected to them? How often do you use chemistry to stay hooked into someone, or keep someone hooked into you? We choose “safe” relationships over love because we don’t want to be rejected or abandoned. If this is what you continually seek, you need to look at your fear around vulnerability, consistency and commitment. Most insecurely attached relationships focus on fear, not love. Love may be there, but fear is in the driver’s seat.

If you’re in a fear-based relationship, it’s an opportunity to grow and stretch yourself while still in it. Leaving that relationship for Perfect Peter or Perfect Paula won’t work because the fear of love is not attached to the other person—it’s attached to you. No one else can make it safe for you to love. You need to find that safety within yourself.

Humans are often led by fear because we’re physiologically wired to survive. This is unfortunate because fear often gets in the way of what we say we want. Because pain feels like a threat to our body, we try to avoid it by overcompensating mentally, looking for external clues that everything is safe. But even if you’re an amazing detective and know what someone else is thinking, you will never be satisfied. Whatever label you give them won’t emotionally make you feel better. You’ll never feel good by proclaiming yourself great and the other person horrible; him or her wrong and you right.

Much of the time we’re afraid, but we don’t know why. If you’re afraid of losing someone, why are you afraid of losing them? Where are you ACTUALLY connected to them? How often do you use chemistry to stay hooked into someone, or keep someone hooked into you? We choose “safe” relationships over love because we don’t want to be rejected or abandoned. If this is what you continually seek, you need to look at your fear around vulnerability, consistency and commitment. Most insecurely attached relationships focus on fear, not love. Love may be there, but fear is in the driver’s seat.

If you’re in a fear-based relationship, it’s an opportunity to grow and stretch yourself while still in it. Leaving that relationship for Perfect Peter or Perfect Paula won’t work because the fear of love is not attached to the other person—it’s attached to you. No one else can make it safe for you to love. You need to find that safety within yourself.

A lot of us live by a philosophy that we may not even be aware of. It’s called: Let me help you feel great while I feel miserable. Awesome philosophy, huh? We think it’s worth feeling like crap in order to have everything around us feel ok and controlled. But look at what you sacrifice for that to happen—and does it ever REALLY turn out ok? Are you free of resentment or do you feel like you’re owed something in return?

When you allow yourself to do things that fill you up, you start living from a place of value and positive sense of well-being INSIDE. There is a cost associated with living for others, and it won’t ever make you happy. There aren’t enough “atta-boys” to fill the void. The small amount of validation we get from making others happy is never enough, and it’s not worth the cost to ourselves. People pleasing is one of the most dissatisfying exercises on the planet. We’re constant at the mercy of others—their moods, issues, whims.

In the end, it doesn’t matter what other people think of you. Trite though it may seem, trying to please them won’t make you happy. On the contrary, there is a high personal cost to it. Is it worth sacrificing your happiness for theirs?