Freedom from Attachment

A lot of us live by a philosophy that we may not even be aware of. It’s called: Let me help you feel great while I feel miserable. Awesome philosophy, huh? We think it’s worth feeling like crap in order to have everything around us feel ok and controlled. But look at what you sacrifice for that to happen—and does it ever REALLY turn out ok? Are you free of resentment or do you feel like you’re owed something in return?

When you allow yourself to do things that fill you up, you start living from a place of value and positive sense of well-being INSIDE. There is a cost associated with living for others, and it won’t ever make you happy. There aren’t enough “atta-boys” to fill the void. The small amount of validation we get from making others happy is never enough, and it’s not worth the cost to ourselves. People pleasing is one of the most dissatisfying exercises on the planet. We’re constant at the mercy of others—their moods, issues, whims.

In the end, it doesn’t matter what other people think of you. Trite though it may seem, trying to please them won’t make you happy. On the contrary, there is a high personal cost to it. Is it worth sacrificing your happiness for theirs?

This topic comes from an email inquiry I received about a push/pull relationship between a woman and her partner. Things seemed to be going well for her; she felt they were growing together. From her perspective it is he who pulled away, and so began the pulling away and pushing for supposed intimacy. She wanted to know how to continue being open, as part of her own growth, but also how determine if/when it’s time to move on.

This all comes back to control and our focus on other people. This woman wanted to lasso her partner and control his actions. Not consciously, but when we focus on others, it’s what we do. Our behavior is an attempt to get them to do something (or not do something). We manipulate (or try to) by showing them the behavior we want in an effort to “teach” them. But that’s not our role and it doesn’t work because for the other person to change, it has to come from an emotional place within themselves… not because they’re mimicking our behavior. We all know when we are being manipulated. This is why things may go well for a while, then revert back to “normal.” The push/pull dynamic doesn’t work without both parties participating.

Change is hard for everyone and we can’t force it on others. They have their own crap! All you can do is act consistently from your heart. Hard to do when you’re fixated on someone else’s behavior. It’s to behave consistently by respecting and loving yourself regardless of what your partner does. That’s part of self-love. Trying to push self-awareness on others so they become aligned with your growth doesn’t work… even if you really, really want it to.

This topic comes from an email inquiry I received about a push/pull relationship between a woman and her partner. Things seemed to be going well for her; she felt they were growing together. From her perspective it is he who pulled away, and so began the pulling away and pushing for supposed intimacy. She wanted to know how to continue being open, as part of her own growth, but also how determine if/when it’s time to move on.

This all comes back to control and our focus on other people. This woman wanted to lasso her partner and control his actions. Not consciously, but when we focus on others, it’s what we do. Our behavior is an attempt to get them to do something (or not do something). We manipulate (or try to) by showing them the behavior we want in an effort to “teach” them. But that’s not our role and it doesn’t work because for the other person to change, it has to come from an emotional place within themselves… not because they’re mimicking our behavior. We all know when we are being manipulated. This is why things may go well for a while, then revert back to “normal.” The push/pull dynamic doesn’t work without both parties participating.

Change is hard for everyone and we can’t force it on others. They have their own crap! All you can do is act consistently from your heart. Hard to do when you’re fixated on someone else’s behavior. It’s to behave consistently by respecting and loving yourself regardless of what your partner does. That’s part of self-love. Trying to push self-awareness on others so they become aligned with your growth doesn’t work… even if you really, really want it to.

Where is your focus? If you’re listening to this podcast, I can pretty much guarantee it’s not on you. We spend a crazy amount of time focusing on other people in order to get what we need—usually validation that we’re ok. As kids, many of us were told to stop feeling a certain way; that it was selfish. So we grew up believing our feelings were wrong or unjustified. Naturally, we stopped trusting them. Since then we’ve been trying to figure out what’s wrong with us, so we look to others for reassurance we’re ok. If they don’t give it to us, our world turns upside down. We feel completely out of control and anxiety takes over.

But how can we give another fallible human that power over us? Why are they the benchmark? What we don’t realize is people have their OWN crap, so the approval we’re seeking is based on another flawed person’s opinion. It doesn’t mean anything. When we try so hard to get people to like us in order to feel ok, it’s actually more selfish than focusing on ourselves. When we want them to act the way WE want them to, we’re not allowing life to be life. It’s so much freer to let people be who they are and turn the focus back on ourselves. What are you avoiding? Connect with yourself. Feel your feelings. It’s overwhelming, but it will set you free.

Where is your focus? If you’re listening to this podcast, I can pretty much guarantee it’s not on you. We spend a crazy amount of time focusing on other people in order to get what we need—usually validation that we’re ok. As kids, many of us were told to stop feeling a certain way; that it was selfish. So we grew up believing our feelings were wrong or unjustified. Naturally, we stopped trusting them. Since then we’ve been trying to figure out what’s wrong with us, so we look to others for reassurance we’re ok. If they don’t give it to us, our world turns upside down. We feel completely out of control and anxiety takes over.

But how can we give another fallible human that power over us? Why are they the benchmark? What we don’t realize is people have their OWN crap, so the approval we’re seeking is based on another flawed person’s opinion. It doesn’t mean anything. When we try so hard to get people to like us in order to feel ok, it’s actually more selfish than focusing on ourselves. When we want them to act the way WE want them to, we’re not allowing life to be life. It’s so much freer to let people be who they are and turn the focus back on ourselves. What are you avoiding? Connect with yourself. Feel your feelings. It’s overwhelming, but it will set you free.

Avoidants tend to be labeled as the bad guy, and because we don’t know we are part of the dynamic, we accuse our partner of being the avoidant one. But when we don’t look at our own avoidant patterns, we stay stuck. Avoidants (whether it is you or someone else) are not doing what they do on purpose. It is on autopilot—the need for distance, fear of engulfment, fear of intimacy and so on. Most of us are not necessarily out to screw someone over. It is byproduct of what goes on inside. Perhaps some avoidants are proud of their distancing techniques, and if they were to stop for a moment and allow themselves to get close, it might seem like they are sticking their hand in the fire.

Insecure attachment issues, whether anxious, avoidant or a combo of both, can leave all parties feeling they want one thing and lack the wherewithal to feel emotionally confident or deserving. Did you ever have a crush when you were young and didn’t know why you couldn’t have him/her? You wanted love (we all do!), but you didn’t know what that meant so you mistook those feelings of attachment for love. They were related to an old pattern, not based in reality.

I used to believe the one who cared less in a relationship had the control. Now that sounds horrible. I want an equal partnership. But my desire for happiness clashes with my old patterns which drive me to avoid by shutting down or putting up emotional walls. When it happens (and yes, it still does), I have to catch it and feel those awful, uncomfortable feelings that make me want to pull away. It’s about finding the thing you’re avoiding and doing it. When walls go up and you want to run away, connect! Please note it is not about getting the other person to do anything; it is a challenge to bring more awareness to all that holds you back from a happy, healthy relationship. You’ll know it’s the right thing to do because it feels uncomfortable. If you want to break these patterns, you have to look at your avoidant tendencies. We all have them to varying degrees, so if you keep labeling others as the avoidant, thinking THEY are the big, bad wolf, you give your power away. When you keep avoiding, things stay the same.

Avoidants tend to be labeled as the bad guy, and because we don’t know we are part of the dynamic, we accuse our partner of being the avoidant one. But when we don’t look at our own avoidant patterns, we stay stuck. Avoidants (whether it is you or someone else) are not doing what they do on purpose. It is on autopilot—the need for distance, fear of engulfment, fear of intimacy and so on. Most of us are not necessarily out to screw someone over. It is byproduct of what goes on inside. Perhaps some avoidants are proud of their distancing techniques, and if they were to stop for a moment and allow themselves to get close, it might seem like they are sticking their hand in the fire.

Insecure attachment issues, whether anxious, avoidant or a combo of both, can leave all parties feeling they want one thing and lack the wherewithal to feel emotionally confident or deserving. Did you ever have a crush when you were young and didn’t know why you couldn’t have him/her? You wanted love (we all do!), but you didn’t know what that meant so you mistook those feelings of attachment for love. They were related to an old pattern, not based in reality.

I used to believe the one who cared less in a relationship had the control. Now that sounds horrible. I want an equal partnership. But my desire for happiness clashes with my old patterns which drive me to avoid by shutting down or putting up emotional walls. When it happens (and yes, it still does), I have to catch it and feel those awful, uncomfortable feelings that make me want to pull away. It’s about finding the thing you’re avoiding and doing it. When walls go up and you want to run away, connect! Please note it is not about getting the other person to do anything; it is a challenge to bring more awareness to all that holds you back from a happy, healthy relationship. You’ll know it’s the right thing to do because it feels uncomfortable. If you want to break these patterns, you have to look at your avoidant tendencies. We all have them to varying degrees, so if you keep labeling others as the avoidant, thinking THEY are the big, bad wolf, you give your power away. When you keep avoiding, things stay the same.

Avoidants tend to be labeled as the bad guy, and because we don’t know we are part of the dynamic, we accuse our partner of being the avoidant one. But when we don’t look at our own avoidant patterns, we stay stuck. Avoidants (whether it is you or someone else) are not doing what they do on purpose. It is on autopilot—the need for distance, fear of engulfment, fear of intimacy and so on. Most of us are not necessarily out to screw someone over. It is byproduct of what goes on inside. Perhaps some avoidants are proud of their distancing techniques, and if they were to stop for a moment and allow themselves to get close, it might seem like they are sticking their hand in the fire.

Insecure attachment issues, whether anxious, avoidant or a combo of both, can leave all parties feeling they want one thing and lack the wherewithal to feel emotionally confident or deserving. Did you ever have a crush when you were young and didn’t know why you couldn’t have him/her? You wanted love (we all do!), but you didn’t know what that meant so you mistook those feelings of attachment for love. They were related to an old pattern, not based in reality.

I used to believe the one who cared less in a relationship had the control. Now that sounds horrible. I want an equal partnership. But my desire for happiness clashes with my old patterns which drive me to avoid by shutting down or putting up emotional walls. When it happens (and yes, it still does), I have to catch it and feel those awful, uncomfortable feelings that make me want to pull away. It’s about finding the thing you’re avoiding and doing it. When walls go up and you want to run away, connect! Please note it is not about getting the other person to do anything; it is a challenge to bring more awareness to all that holds you back from a happy, healthy relationship. You’ll know it’s the right thing to do because it feels uncomfortable. If you want to break these patterns, you have to look at your avoidant tendencies. We all have them to varying degrees, so if you keep labeling others as the avoidant, thinking THEY are the big, bad wolf, you give your power away. When you keep avoiding, things stay the same.

When we live in the land of “same thing, different day,” we’re stuck in our comfort zone. And while it’s NOT where we want to live, we stay there because it’s painfully familiar. Then we numb ourselves and fantasize about what will bring us happiness. We want to click the remote control and jump straight to bliss. Well, as you probably know, it doesn’t work that way. There is a huge chasm of discomfort between Groundhog’s Day and yippee-ki-yay.

Everything good in my life looks different from what I pictured. We have an expectation of how things will show up based on our beliefs, and think if we could just have X, everything would be great. No more pain, no more sameness. But even if what you wanted showed up on your doorstep, you wouldn’t know what to do with it because without the internal work, you may still have the same lopsided beliefs. When nothing inside shifts, any happiness derived externally is temporary.

The key to moving away from Groundhog’s Day is taking small steps toward what lights you up. It requires emotionally-inspired action, and only you can do it. Look at what you don’t do for yourself or how you work against yourself. It’s time to speak your truth, break down perfectionism and do what feels good rather than putting someone else ahead of you and doing what you don’t want. Some think it’s okay to always put others first, but you have to notice the resentment building up over time. The path to happiness is not about following a map; it’s about throwing away the map and trusting that you’re moving in the right direction—even if you don’t know where it will lead. Each new and different action will intuitively lead you toward what you want, and I can pretty much guarantee it won’t look the way you expected.

When we live in the land of “same thing, different day,” we’re stuck in our comfort zone. And while it’s NOT where we want to live, we stay there because it’s painfully familiar. Then we numb ourselves and fantasize about what will bring us happiness. We want to click the remote control and jump straight to bliss. Well, as you probably know, it doesn’t work that way. There is a huge chasm of discomfort between Groundhog’s Day and yippee-ki-yay.

Everything good in my life looks different from what I pictured. We have an expectation of how things will show up based on our beliefs, and think if we could just have X, everything would be great. No more pain, no more sameness. But even if what you wanted showed up on your doorstep, you wouldn’t know what to do with it because without the internal work, you may still have the same lopsided beliefs. When nothing inside shifts, any happiness derived externally is temporary.

The key to moving away from Groundhog’s Day is taking small steps toward what lights you up. It requires emotionally-inspired action, and only you can do it. Look at what you don’t do for yourself or how you work against yourself. It’s time to speak your truth, break down perfectionism and do what feels good rather than putting someone else ahead of you and doing what you don’t want. Some think it’s okay to always put others first, but you have to notice the resentment building up over time. The path to happiness is not about following a map; it’s about throwing away the map and trusting that you’re moving in the right direction—even if you don’t know where it will lead. Each new and different action will intuitively lead you toward what you want, and I can pretty much guarantee it won’t look the way you expected.