Attachment issues are big among my podcast listeners; there’s a reason I have an entire series devoted to it! But there is a difference between those who are ATTACHED to their attached relationship, and those who truly want to let go. You need to honestly ask yourself: Are you more comfortable with the devil you know, or are you willing to do the hard work needed to make a change?

Deciding you have value and wanting to move out of a dysfunctional relationship is one of the hardest things to do. I remember being chained to a relationship I didn’t want, yet no matter how many times I broke up with him or refused to talk to him, it never made those attachment feelings go away. Fear keeps us stuck in these relationships, and it’s where I lived for a long time. I felt a total loss of control over myself and my relationship, like I couldn’t get a handle on either. Fear of commitment showed up too, as it often does. Attached relationships are perfect for those of us who don’t want to commit to ourselves because we never have to. I couldn’t see how much I was settling because I was more concerned with the safety of the familiar. I unconsciously hoped he would rescue me from the empty space inside, and I held onto that, waiting. It’s an illusion that keeps us stuck, not sure we’re ready to leave our emotionally comfortable, yet painful place. Because what if one day things magically change…

While deciding you truly WANT a healthy relationship is the first step, the next step isn’t necessarily letting go of your attached relationship. Sometimes we do this prematurely and jump right into another one because we don’t take the time to learn. Check in with your feelings, notice your reactions, see what triggers your partner hits and where they come from. It’s also important to honor the dysfunctional space you’re in without beating yourself up. You CAN have a healthy, happy relationship. But you have to truly want it. Do you?

Attachment issues are big among my podcast listeners; there’s a reason I have an entire series devoted to it! But there is a difference between those who are ATTACHED to their attached relationship, and those who truly want to let go. You need to honestly ask yourself: Are you more comfortable with the devil you know, or are you willing to do the hard work needed to make a change?

Deciding you have value and wanting to move out of a dysfunctional relationship is one of the hardest things to do. I remember being chained to a relationship I didn’t want, yet no matter how many times I broke up with him or refused to talk to him, it never made those attachment feelings go away. Fear keeps us stuck in these relationships, and it’s where I lived for a long time. I felt a total loss of control over myself and my relationship, like I couldn’t get a handle on either. Fear of commitment showed up too, as it often does. Attached relationships are perfect for those of us who don’t want to commit to ourselves because we never have to. I couldn’t see how much I was settling because I was more concerned with the safety of the familiar. I unconsciously hoped he would rescue me from the empty space inside, and I held onto that, waiting. It’s an illusion that keeps us stuck, not sure we’re ready to leave our emotionally comfortable, yet painful place. Because what if one day things magically change…

While deciding you truly WANT a healthy relationship is the first step, the next step isn’t necessarily letting go of your attached relationship. Sometimes we do this prematurely and jump right into another one because we don’t take the time to learn. Check in with your feelings, notice your reactions, see what triggers your partner hits and where they come from. It’s also important to honor the dysfunctional space you’re in without beating yourself up. You CAN have a healthy, happy relationship. But you have to truly want it. Do you?

How much do you participate in your relationships? Not just romantically— I’m also talking family, friends, co-workers, etc. Do you put forth effort, or do you look for the other person to do all the work? We may think we put energy toward relationships, but some of us wait for signs that it’s safe to proceed because we don’t want to put forth effort unless we’re sure the other person will reciprocate. Being in that place, however, doesn’t feel good. It’s actually quite lonely and makes us feel powerless. I’m not suggesting you should pull all the weight yourself (that’s a whole separate topic), but you need to look at where you hold back and why.

Fear underlies our unwillingness to participate—fear that we’ll be engulfed or appear needy. Fear that the other person is somehow doing us a favor by being in our life, and wondering if they really even like us. Growing up we may not have learned what it takes to be an active participant in relationships, so we might take the passive approach and believe if people want us around, they’ll call. And then we have to decide to come out of hiding and engage or stay closed. In dating, when we’re not connecting because we’re waiting for the other person to “do it first,” we’re leading with fear. And in these cases, we’re just as responsible for the state of the relationship as the other person. Vulnerability and intimacy are essential. We have to open up and say what is true for us instead of waiting until we feel safe, which won’t come from outside of us anyway.

The next time you find yourself holding back, look at your “why.” What are you afraid of losing… or maybe even gaining? What negative belief is operating? Do you think something is wrong with you or that you’re not worth the other person’s time and attention? It all comes back to you. To have healthy relationships that aren’t lopsided, you need to start fully participating.

How much do you participate in your relationships? Not just romantically— I’m also talking family, friends, co-workers, etc. Do you put forth effort, or do you look for the other person to do all the work? We may think we put energy toward relationships, but some of us wait for signs that it’s safe to proceed because we don’t want to put forth effort unless we’re sure the other person will reciprocate. Being in that place, however, doesn’t feel good. It’s actually quite lonely and makes us feel powerless. I’m not suggesting you should pull all the weight yourself (that’s a whole separate topic), but you need to look at where you hold back and why.

Fear underlies our unwillingness to participate—fear that we’ll be engulfed or appear needy. Fear that the other person is somehow doing us a favor by being in our life, and wondering if they really even like us. Growing up we may not have learned what it takes to be an active participant in relationships, so we might take the passive approach and believe if people want us around, they’ll call. And then we have to decide to come out of hiding and engage or stay closed. In dating, when we’re not connecting because we’re waiting for the other person to “do it first,” we’re leading with fear. And in these cases, we’re just as responsible for the state of the relationship as the other person. Vulnerability and intimacy are essential. We have to open up and say what is true for us instead of waiting until we feel safe, which won’t come from outside of us anyway.

The next time you find yourself holding back, look at your “why.” What are you afraid of losing… or maybe even gaining? What negative belief is operating? Do you think something is wrong with you or that you’re not worth the other person’s time and attention? It all comes back to you. To have healthy relationships that aren’t lopsided, you need to start fully participating.

How much do you participate in your relationships? Not just romantically— I’m also talking family, friends, co-workers, etc. Do you put forth effort, or do you look for the other person to do all the work? We may think we put energy toward relationships, but some of us wait for signs that it’s safe to proceed because we don’t want to put forth effort unless we’re sure the other person will reciprocate. Being in that place, however, doesn’t feel good. It’s actually quite lonely and makes us feel powerless. I’m not suggesting you should pull all the weight yourself (that’s a whole separate topic), but you need to look at where you hold back and why.

Fear underlies our unwillingness to participate—fear that we’ll be engulfed or appear needy. Fear that the other person is somehow doing us a favor by being in our life, and wondering if they really even like us. Growing up we may not have learned what it takes to be an active participant in relationships, so we might take the passive approach and believe if people want us around, they’ll call. And then we have to decide to come out of hiding and engage or stay closed. In dating, when we’re not connecting because we’re waiting for the other person to “do it first,” we’re leading with fear. And in these cases, we’re just as responsible for the state of the relationship as the other person. Vulnerability and intimacy are essential. We have to open up and say what is true for us instead of waiting until we feel safe, which won’t come from outside of us anyway.

The next time you find yourself holding back, look at your “why.” What are you afraid of losing… or maybe even gaining? What negative belief is operating? Do you think something is wrong with you or that you’re not worth the other person’s time and attention? It all comes back to you. To have healthy relationships that aren’t lopsided, you need to start fully participating.

It takes so little to trigger the feeling of abandonment; only the fear of him or her leaving, even if it is somewhere you believe to be reasonable. Many of us end up with people who aren’t sincerely on the same page with us and we may even emotionally beat ourselves up while we grip tightly because of it. We want out, but man oh man, we are ready to flip out if this person leaves us for any length of time. The funny part is, if you imagine you’re with him/her, and you feel like you want to go do your own thing, but he or she leaves at some point, you miss them… unreasonably so. It becomes intense. The intensity is related to our feelings of abandonment. No rational thinking takes away the anxious feeling of needing to hear from them, knowing they haven’t really left us. In reality they may just be at work.

I remember someone telling me she only missed her mate when he was at work. It is the thrill of the fear. In other words, the intense anxiety makes us feel more value for the relationship than is really there. It’s an illusion. It comes from the lack of value we have in ourselves, and needing validation from someone who doesn’t want to give it. And even if they do, it doesn’t matter because no one can fill the space inside.

The disconnection we feel when the person leaves, or we fear they will leave, can drive us to go against ourselves and make the most together person have a hard time hiding the “crazy” they feel. The pattern with insecure attachment relationships is the feeling of inconsistency. So much inconsistency keeps us going through abandonment every day! Learn how mindfulness and self-awareness can help you, along with settling your own reactions and feelings around abandonment, so you can live your life on your own emotional terms.

It takes so little to trigger the feeling of abandonment; only the fear of him or her leaving, even if it is somewhere you believe to be reasonable. Many of us end up with people who aren’t sincerely on the same page with us and we may even emotionally beat ourselves up while we grip tightly because of it. We want out, but man oh man, we are ready to flip out if this person leaves us for any length of time. The funny part is, if you imagine you’re with him/her, and you feel like you want to go do your own thing, but he or she leaves at some point, you miss them… unreasonably so. It becomes intense. The intensity is related to our feelings of abandonment. No rational thinking takes away the anxious feeling of needing to hear from them, knowing they haven’t really left us. In reality they may just be at work.

I remember someone telling me she only missed her mate when he was at work. It is the thrill of the fear. In other words, the intense anxiety makes us feel more value for the relationship than is really there. It’s an illusion. It comes from the lack of value we have in ourselves, and needing validation from someone who doesn’t want to give it. And even if they do, it doesn’t matter because no one can fill the space inside.

The disconnection we feel when the person leaves, or we fear they will leave, can drive us to go against ourselves and make the most together person have a hard time hiding the “crazy” they feel. The pattern with insecure attachment relationships is the feeling of inconsistency. So much inconsistency keeps us going through abandonment every day! Learn how mindfulness and self-awareness can help you, along with settling your own reactions and feelings around abandonment, so you can live your life on your own emotional terms.

It takes so little to trigger the feeling of abandonment; only the fear of him or her leaving, even if it is somewhere you believe to be reasonable. Many of us end up with people who aren’t sincerely on the same page with us and we may even emotionally beat ourselves up while we grip tightly because of it. We want out, but man oh man, we are ready to flip out if this person leaves us for any length of time. The funny part is, if you imagine you’re with him/her, and you feel like you want to go do your own thing, but he or she leaves at some point, you miss them… unreasonably so. It becomes intense. The intensity is related to our feelings of abandonment. No rational thinking takes away the anxious feeling of needing to hear from them, knowing they haven’t really left us. In reality they may just be at work.

I remember someone telling me she only missed her mate when he was at work. It is the thrill of the fear. In other words, the intense anxiety makes us feel more value for the relationship than is really there. It’s an illusion. It comes from the lack of value we have in ourselves, and needing validation from someone who doesn’t want to give it. And even if they do, it doesn’t matter because no one can fill the space inside.

The disconnection we feel when the person leaves, or we fear they will leave, can drive us to go against ourselves and make the most together person have a hard time hiding the “crazy” they feel. The pattern with insecure attachment relationships is the feeling of inconsistency. So much inconsistency keeps us going through abandonment every day! Learn how mindfulness and self-awareness can help you, along with settling your own reactions and feelings around abandonment, so you can live your life on your own emotional terms.

We all have baggage we bring into relationships. When we are emotionally triggered, we can either heal our pain or resist it and shove it back down. If you want to heal, these triggers are an opportunity to make a shift; to break patterns and do things differently. I’ve discovered a process I have personally used right in the middle of those highly-charged moments to detach from the old pain and see the situation for what it is. If you feel completely out of control when those old beliefs are triggered, unable to stop the emotional spew that follows, you’ll want to listen in.

It starts with learning your thoughts and feelings from the past have no relevance to the present. Nope, none. Reactions are totally based in the past. We bring them into the present because we’ve been conditioned to do so, but the awesome thing is that they aren’t inextricably tied together. You can CHOOSE to disconnect them from what’s currently going on. The danger of those feelings is they can drive us to recreate past drama even when the present situation doesn’t call for it. We end up in a loop based on our negative beliefs: old feelings—present situation—drama based on old conditioning. We are unconsciously stuck in a loop because we’re looking for evidence to support our belief, and we usually create a familiar outcome; one we’ve created over and over in our relationships. When our partner triggers us, we assign meaning which doesn’t truly exist. So without knowing what we want from him/her, we have unconscious expectations where all we know is the pain we feel. We often can’t tell if we’re reacting to the current situation or to the past. The pain is old and deep.

Have you experienced this in your relationships and want to stop feeling disconnected from what is happening? Maybe you feel “crazy” or tired of picking up the pieces from the damage of an emotional over-reaction when your partner does something to unintentionally set you off. Join me to learn the six key points meant to help you move from your belief to the underlying pain, as well as healing steps to take at any point in the emotional baggage loop. It’s uncomfortable because you have to deal with your beliefs and the old pain locked inside, but it’s how true change happens for those who are willing. Learn how to become emotionally present and have better control of your emotions, instead of being swept up in a time machine of pain long past.

We all have baggage we bring into relationships. When we are emotionally triggered, we can either heal our pain or resist it and shove it back down. If you want to heal, these triggers are an opportunity to make a shift; to break patterns and do things differently. I’ve discovered a process I have personally used right in the middle of those highly-charged moments to detach from the old pain and see the situation for what it is. If you feel completely out of control when those old beliefs are triggered, unable to stop the emotional spew that follows, you’ll want to listen in.

It starts with learning your thoughts and feelings from the past have no relevance to the present. Nope, none. Reactions are totally based in the past. We bring them into the present because we’ve been conditioned to do so, but the awesome thing is that they aren’t inextricably tied together. You can CHOOSE to disconnect them from what’s currently going on. The danger of those feelings is they can drive us to recreate past drama even when the present situation doesn’t call for it. We end up in a loop based on our negative beliefs: old feelings—present situation—drama based on old conditioning. We are unconsciously stuck in a loop because we’re looking for evidence to support our belief, and we usually create a familiar outcome; one we’ve created over and over in our relationships. When our partner triggers us, we assign meaning which doesn’t truly exist. So without knowing what we want from him/her, we have unconscious expectations where all we know is the pain we feel. We often can’t tell if we’re reacting to the current situation or to the past. The pain is old and deep.

Have you experienced this in your relationships and want to stop feeling disconnected from what is happening? Maybe you feel “crazy” or tired of picking up the pieces from the damage of an emotional over-reaction when your partner does something to unintentionally set you off. Join me to learn the six key points meant to help you move from your belief to the underlying pain, as well as healing steps to take at any point in the emotional baggage loop. It’s uncomfortable because you have to deal with your beliefs and the old pain locked inside, but it’s how true change happens for those who are willing. Learn how to become emotionally present and have better control of your emotions, instead of being swept up in a time machine of pain long past.