Freedom from Attachment

Trying to be perfect and keeping our world perfect can make us crazy. We say we’re ok being “perfectly imperfect,” but we really don’t believe it because we take other people personally. We people please to get validation and keep a semblance of control over those we care about, so our perfect world is not destroyed. We not only don’t accept ourselves, we don’t accept others being different than we need them to be. I’ve known clients who freak out if their partner is out of sight; it can feel like abandonment and leave them scrambling to get back to a feeling of everything being under control. And when it is under control, it can seem like perfection. Control, perfection and taking others personally leaves us scrambling; we are never at peace. When we people please, we’re seeking validation, and when we don’t get it, we take it personally. But that just puts the focus on the other person, leading to feelings of anger, jealousy, sadness, etc. Learning not to take people personally can avoid many of these upsets. We’re constantly at odds with life and others in our attempt to be perfect.

We all make mistakes, but it’s not about beating ourselves up. “Perfect” people try to avoid triggers, but when you allow them and see yourself for who you are (imperfect), you can start to change your life. When you’re more accepting of yourself and others, you feel less crazy. Tune into hear more and learn how to chill.

Trying to be perfect and keeping our world perfect can make us crazy. We say we’re ok being “perfectly imperfect,” but we really don’t believe it because we take other people personally. We people please to get validation and keep a semblance of control over those we care about, so our perfect world is not destroyed. We not only don’t accept ourselves, we don’t accept others being different than we need them to be. I’ve known clients who freak out if their partner is out of sight; it can feel like abandonment and leave them scrambling to get back to a feeling of everything being under control. And when it is under control, it can seem like perfection. Control, perfection and taking others personally leaves us scrambling; we are never at peace. When we people please, we’re seeking validation, and when we don’t get it, we take it personally. But that just puts the focus on the other person, leading to feelings of anger, jealousy, sadness, etc. Learning not to take people personally can avoid many of these upsets. We’re constantly at odds with life and others in our attempt to be perfect.

We all make mistakes, but it’s not about beating ourselves up. “Perfect” people try to avoid triggers, but when you allow them and see yourself for who you are (imperfect), you can start to change your life. When you’re more accepting of yourself and others, you feel less crazy. Tune into hear more and learn how to chill.

Trying to be perfect and keeping our world perfect can make us crazy. We say we’re ok being “perfectly imperfect,” but we really don’t believe it because we take other people personally. We people please to get validation and keep a semblance of control over those we care about, so our perfect world is not destroyed. We not only don’t accept ourselves, we don’t accept others being different than we need them to be. I’ve known clients who freak out if their partner is out of sight; it can feel like abandonment and leave them scrambling to get back to a feeling of everything being under control. And when it is under control, it can seem like perfection. Control, perfection and taking others personally leaves us scrambling; we are never at peace. When we people please, we’re seeking validation, and when we don’t get it, we take it personally. But that just puts the focus on the other person, leading to feelings of anger, jealousy, sadness, etc. Learning not to take people personally can avoid many of these upsets. We’re constantly at odds with life and others in our attempt to be perfect.

We all make mistakes, but it’s not about beating ourselves up. “Perfect” people try to avoid triggers, but when you allow them and see yourself for who you are (imperfect), you can start to change your life. When you’re more accepting of yourself and others, you feel less crazy. Tune into hear more and learn how to chill.

There is a huge correlation between insecure attachment and jealousy. With each there is a fear of loss. Insecurely attached people either hold on tightly to painful situations or stay away from relationships due to fear of abandonment. With romantic jealousy, there is a fear of being replaced. Jealousy manifests in different ways, however, depending on your attachment style. Those who are Anxious generally resist expressing their anger because they don’t want to upset the apple cart, while Avoidants use anger to blame their mate. Securely attached individuals tend to express anger toward their partner in a healthy way to maintain the relationship—not sabotage it. In all cases the anger is there, but the way it comes out is quite different.

Jealousy is a threat to how you feel about your relationship, but it’s rooted in how you feel about yourself. If you don’t have an innate sense of safety, you will feel unsafe in your relationship. This leads to distrust where you may look for evidence to support that lack of safety. For example, if you see your partner talking to someone of the opposite sex, it can trigger those unsafe feelings. In the case of the Anxious person, that anger is held back for fear of the relationship ending. For Avoidants, anger is directed in an accusatory way (i.e. “Why do you always talk to women when we’re out together? Am I not enough for you?”). In both situations, a case is being built that their partner is cheating or wants to cheat.

Jealousy is about perception, and how you view it is based on your attachment style. Once you understand that, you can choose to look at it differently. You’ll start to see how your thought and behavior patterns support your value (or lack thereof), and that it actually has nothing to do with the other person. The next time you feel those pangs of jealousy, ask yourself what’s really underneath it. What feelings about yourself are you avoiding?

There is a huge correlation between insecure attachment and jealousy. With each there is a fear of loss. Insecurely attached people either hold on tightly to painful situations or stay away from relationships due to fear of abandonment. With romantic jealousy, there is a fear of being replaced. Jealousy manifests in different ways, however, depending on your attachment style. Those who are Anxious generally resist expressing their anger because they don’t want to upset the apple cart, while Avoidants use anger to blame their mate. Securely attached individuals tend to express anger toward their partner in a healthy way to maintain the relationship—not sabotage it. In all cases the anger is there, but the way it comes out is quite different.

Jealousy is a threat to how you feel about your relationship, but it’s rooted in how you feel about yourself. If you don’t have an innate sense of safety, you will feel unsafe in your relationship. This leads to distrust where you may look for evidence to support that lack of safety. For example, if you see your partner talking to someone of the opposite sex, it can trigger those unsafe feelings. In the case of the Anxious person, that anger is held back for fear of the relationship ending. For Avoidants, anger is directed in an accusatory way (i.e. “Why do you always talk to women when we’re out together? Am I not enough for you?”). In both situations, a case is being built that their partner is cheating or wants to cheat.

Jealousy is about perception, and how you view it is based on your attachment style. Once you understand that, you can choose to look at it differently. You’ll start to see how your thought and behavior patterns support your value (or lack thereof), and that it actually has nothing to do with the other person. The next time you feel those pangs of jealousy, ask yourself what’s really underneath it. What feelings about yourself are you avoiding?

There is a huge correlation between insecure attachment and jealousy. With each there is a fear of loss. Insecurely attached people either hold on tightly to painful situations or stay away from relationships due to fear of abandonment. With romantic jealousy, there is a fear of being replaced. Jealousy manifests in different ways, however, depending on your attachment style. Those who are Anxious generally resist expressing their anger because they don’t want to upset the apple cart, while Avoidants use anger to blame their mate. Securely attached individuals tend to express anger toward their partner in a healthy way to maintain the relationship—not sabotage it. In all cases the anger is there, but the way it comes out is quite different.

Jealousy is a threat to how you feel about your relationship, but it’s rooted in how you feel about yourself. If you don’t have an innate sense of safety, you will feel unsafe in your relationship. This leads to distrust where you may look for evidence to support that lack of safety. For example, if you see your partner talking to someone of the opposite sex, it can trigger those unsafe feelings. In the case of the Anxious person, that anger is held back for fear of the relationship ending. For Avoidants, anger is directed in an accusatory way (i.e. “Why do you always talk to women when we’re out together? Am I not enough for you?”). In both situations, a case is being built that their partner is cheating or wants to cheat.

Jealousy is about perception, and how you view it is based on your attachment style. Once you understand that, you can choose to look at it differently. You’ll start to see how your thought and behavior patterns support your value (or lack thereof), and that it actually has nothing to do with the other person. The next time you feel those pangs of jealousy, ask yourself what’s really underneath it. What feelings about yourself are you avoiding?

Whatever we focus on expands, and many of us spend a great deal of time focusing on problems. When you wake up in the morning, what are you thinking about? Do you wonder how you’ll get everything done, or ruminate over something you said to your partner, wondering how he/she might have taken it? This is how we create problems that don’t currently exist. When we anticipate a problem… like I’m afraid I won’t have enough money to cover rent… what is the purpose? If you aren’t writing the rent check at this moment, it’s not a problem, so it just creates a lot of anxiety.

Focusing on problems serves a very specific purpose: avoidance. It allows us to disengage with other people and create distance. It also keeps us living in the future where we can manifest problems that don’t exist. When you find yourself fixating on a problem, real or perceived, you need to get deeper with it and ask yourself what you’re avoiding. Check in with yourself. Identify what you’re focused on and why. A tougher question is whether you truly want your problems to go away. Some people would feel lost without them. The choice on what to focus on is yours… it can be problems or it can be something much more productive.

Whatever we focus on expands, and many of us spend a great deal of time focusing on problems. When you wake up in the morning, what are you thinking about? Do you wonder how you’ll get everything done, or ruminate over something you said to your partner, wondering how he/she might have taken it? This is how we create problems that don’t currently exist. When we anticipate a problem… like I’m afraid I won’t have enough money to cover rent… what is the purpose? If you aren’t writing the rent check at this moment, it’s not a problem, so it just creates a lot of anxiety.

Focusing on problems serves a very specific purpose: avoidance. It allows us to disengage with other people and create distance. It also keeps us living in the future where we can manifest problems that don’t exist. When you find yourself fixating on a problem, real or perceived, you need to get deeper with it and ask yourself what you’re avoiding. Check in with yourself. Identify what you’re focused on and why. A tougher question is whether you truly want your problems to go away. Some people would feel lost without them. The choice on what to focus on is yours… it can be problems or it can be something much more productive.

Whatever we focus on expands, and many of us spend a great deal of time focusing on problems. When you wake up in the morning, what are you thinking about? Do you wonder how you’ll get everything done, or ruminate over something you said to your partner, wondering how he/she might have taken it? This is how we create problems that don’t currently exist. When we anticipate a problem… like I’m afraid I won’t have enough money to cover rent… what is the purpose? If you aren’t writing the rent check at this moment, it’s not a problem, so it just creates a lot of anxiety.

Focusing on problems serves a very specific purpose: avoidance. It allows us to disengage with other people and create distance. It also keeps us living in the future where we can manifest problems that don’t exist. When you find yourself fixating on a problem, real or perceived, you need to get deeper with it and ask yourself what you’re avoiding. Check in with yourself. Identify what you’re focused on and why. A tougher question is whether you truly want your problems to go away. Some people would feel lost without them. The choice on what to focus on is yours… it can be problems or it can be something much more productive.

Many people fall into a mental trap when working on themselves. They think, “If I know it, I can change it.” Yes, self-awareness is critical because you can’t change what you’re not aware of, but nothing really changes if it stays at the level of the intellect. When you have a mental understanding, that information fits within your existing belief system, becoming a strategy. Many of us in insecurely attached relationships tend to take this new information and apply it to the object of our desire. We don’t necessarily apply it to ourselves emotionally.

Change comes from feeling, not thinking. It’s like listening to this podcast. Either you’re going to take an emotional risk or you’re going to say, “Oh, yes, I get it. That makes sense! Maybe I’ll try that later when it’s safe.” Unfortunately waiting for “safe” means waiting forever. If you don’t embrace the fear and discomfort that comes with emotional risk, you’re just playing a game of mental ping pong. Intellectualizing your life leads to repeating the same things over and over. In an insecurely attached relationship you will go over the same dynamic when you intellectualize or strategize change. And change is an illusion when it remains in someone else’s hands… not your own.

Many of us are willing to take mental risks, but not emotional ones. So what’s an emotional risk? Speaking your truth; showing the real you; expressing what you’ve been repressing; detaching from outcomes. The greatest job, relationship, etc. won’t matter if you mentally manage your life. That isn’t where fulfillment stems from. If you do it emotionally, it will be different.