Freedom from Attachment

When we live in the land of “same thing, different day,” we’re stuck in our comfort zone. And while it’s NOT where we want to live, we stay there because it’s painfully familiar. Then we numb ourselves and fantasize about what will bring us happiness. We want to click the remote control and jump straight to bliss. Well, as you probably know, it doesn’t work that way. There is a huge chasm of discomfort between Groundhog’s Day and yippee-ki-yay.

Everything good in my life looks different from what I pictured. We have an expectation of how things will show up based on our beliefs, and think if we could just have X, everything would be great. No more pain, no more sameness. But even if what you wanted showed up on your doorstep, you wouldn’t know what to do with it because without the internal work, you may still have the same lopsided beliefs. When nothing inside shifts, any happiness derived externally is temporary.

The key to moving away from Groundhog’s Day is taking small steps toward what lights you up. It requires emotionally-inspired action, and only you can do it. Look at what you don’t do for yourself or how you work against yourself. It’s time to speak your truth, break down perfectionism and do what feels good rather than putting someone else ahead of you and doing what you don’t want. Some think it’s okay to always put others first, but you have to notice the resentment building up over time. The path to happiness is not about following a map; it’s about throwing away the map and trusting that you’re moving in the right direction—even if you don’t know where it will lead. Each new and different action will intuitively lead you toward what you want, and I can pretty much guarantee it won’t look the way you expected.

Many of us with insecure attachment believe we have a fatal flaw, and if it were revealed, it would prevent us from being loved and accepted. A fatal flaw can be anything which produces an ominous feeling inside that something is seriously wrong with us. It stems from childhood, and although we carry it into adulthood, most of us don’t consciously know it’s there.

For me, my fatal flaw is that I’m not affectionate. My mom actually told me I was a serious baby who didn’t give or seek affection. Babies don’t have the psychological capacity to be serious, although I obviously didn’t know this when I was younger, so I grew up believing it was true. It didn’t matter that I had normal relationships growing up which proved the opposite. Later, in romantic relationships, I was afraid that if my partner knew about this incapacity for affection, he would leave. What’s really crazy is that fatal flaw are NOT TRUE. I am a very affectionate person, but despite all evidence, I believed I wasn’t. We use these flaws to give meaning to ourselves, but they are not based in reality.

When we don’t know our “fatal flaw,” we keep distancing ourselves and looking for partners who play into it. To stop giving it power, you have to stop hiding it. First, identify what it is, then open up about it. Every time you do that, you challenge the belief, and it starts to unravel. If nothing else, know this… that fatal flaw of yours? It’s simply not true.

If you have a question related to this podcast, email [email protected]. I will answer some via my Video Q&A: http://bit.ly/2wLFdW4

Many of us with insecure attachment believe we have a fatal flaw, and if it were revealed, it would prevent us from being loved and accepted. A fatal flaw can be anything which produces an ominous feeling inside that something is seriously wrong with us. It stems from childhood, and although we carry it into adulthood, most of us don’t consciously know it’s there.

For me, my fatal flaw is that I’m not affectionate. My mom actually told me I was a serious baby who didn’t give or seek affection. Babies don’t have the psychological capacity to be serious, although I obviously didn’t know this when I was younger, so I grew up believing it was true. It didn’t matter that I had normal relationships growing up which proved the opposite. Later, in romantic relationships, I was afraid that if my partner knew about this incapacity for affection, he would leave. What’s really crazy is that fatal flaw are NOT TRUE. I am a very affectionate person, but despite all evidence, I believed I wasn’t. We use these flaws to give meaning to ourselves, but they are not based in reality.

When we don’t know our “fatal flaw,” we keep distancing ourselves and looking for partners who play into it. To stop giving it power, you have to stop hiding it. First, identify what it is, then open up about it. Every time you do that, you challenge the belief, and it starts to unravel. If nothing else, know this… that fatal flaw of yours? It’s simply not true.

If you have a question related to this podcast, email [email protected]. I will answer some via my Video Q&A: http://bit.ly/2wLFdW4

Many of us with insecure attachment believe we have a fatal flaw, and if it were revealed, it would prevent us from being loved and accepted. A fatal flaw can be anything which produces an ominous feeling inside that something is seriously wrong with us. It stems from childhood, and although we carry it into adulthood, most of us don’t consciously know it’s there.

For me, my fatal flaw is that I’m not affectionate. My mom actually told me I was a serious baby who didn’t give or seek affection. Babies don’t have the psychological capacity to be serious, although I obviously didn’t know this when I was younger, so I grew up believing it was true. It didn’t matter that I had normal relationships growing up which proved the opposite. Later, in romantic relationships, I was afraid that if my partner knew about this incapacity for affection, he would leave. What’s really crazy is that fatal flaw are NOT TRUE. I am a very affectionate person, but despite all evidence, I believed I wasn’t. We use these flaws to give meaning to ourselves, but they are not based in reality.

When we don’t know our “fatal flaw,” we keep distancing ourselves and looking for partners who play into it. To stop giving it power, you have to stop hiding it. First, identify what it is, then open up about it. Every time you do that, you challenge the belief, and it starts to unravel. If nothing else, know this… that fatal flaw of yours? It’s simply not true.

If you have a question related to this podcast, email [email protected]. I will answer some via my Video Q&A: http://bit.ly/2wLFdW4

Have you ever been around someone in a bad mood and think it’s because of you? Because you’ve done something wrong? It usually has nothing to do with you, but we tend to personalize everything when a deep belief is triggered. In this case, the belief is “I’m always wrong.” I lived with this belief for ¾ of my life. In my relationships, I felt responsible for everything that happened because I was always the one who was wrong. Like I had to apologize for breathing. And because I always felt I was wrong, I spent years defending myself and feeling guilty for all the damage done by my “wrongness.” Doesn’t that all sound exhausting? It was, and I’m so done with it.

We are not responsible for how other people feel. You can line 10 people up, say the same thing, and it will be interpreted 10 different ways based on their beliefs. Relationships—intimate and otherwise—take two to tango. We each play a role, and it’s never “I’m always wrong, he/she is always right”. The more you let go of right and wrong, the more freedom you have, and the less you feel compelled to defend yourself. Allow people to be whoever and whatever they are. I have stopped trying to get people to see things the way I see them, or feel the way I do. I can’t control that. Releasing that burden and allowing things to simply be as they are is incredibly liberating. Feelings aren’t right or wrong… they just are. And people aren’t right or wrong, either. It’s all in our perception.

Have you ever been around someone in a bad mood and think it’s because of you? Because you’ve done something wrong? It usually has nothing to do with you, but we tend to personalize everything when a deep belief is triggered. In this case, the belief is “I’m always wrong.” I lived with this belief for ¾ of my life. In my relationships, I felt responsible for everything that happened because I was always the one who was wrong. Like I had to apologize for breathing. And because I always felt I was wrong, I spent years defending myself and feeling guilty for all the damage done by my “wrongness.” Doesn’t that all sound exhausting? It was, and I’m so done with it.

We are not responsible for how other people feel. You can line 10 people up, say the same thing, and it will be interpreted 10 different ways based on their beliefs. Relationships—intimate and otherwise—take two to tango. We each play a role, and it’s never “I’m always wrong, he/she is always right”. The more you let go of right and wrong, the more freedom you have, and the less you feel compelled to defend yourself. Allow people to be whoever and whatever they are. I have stopped trying to get people to see things the way I see them, or feel the way I do. I can’t control that. Releasing that burden and allowing things to simply be as they are is incredibly liberating. Feelings aren’t right or wrong… they just are. And people aren’t right or wrong, either. It’s all in our perception.

Have you ever been around someone in a bad mood and think it’s because of you? Because you’ve done something wrong? It usually has nothing to do with you, but we tend to personalize everything when a deep belief is triggered. In this case, the belief is “I’m always wrong.” I lived with this belief for ¾ of my life. In my relationships, I felt responsible for everything that happened because I was always the one who was wrong. Like I had to apologize for breathing. And because I always felt I was wrong, I spent years defending myself and feeling guilty for all the damage done by my “wrongness.” Doesn’t that all sound exhausting? It was, and I’m so done with it.

We are not responsible for how other people feel. You can line 10 people up, say the same thing, and it will be interpreted 10 different ways based on their beliefs. Relationships—intimate and otherwise—take two to tango. We each play a role, and it’s never “I’m always wrong, he/she is always right”. The more you let go of right and wrong, the more freedom you have, and the less you feel compelled to defend yourself. Allow people to be whoever and whatever they are. I have stopped trying to get people to see things the way I see them, or feel the way I do. I can’t control that. Releasing that burden and allowing things to simply be as they are is incredibly liberating. Feelings aren’t right or wrong… they just are. And people aren’t right or wrong, either. It’s all in our perception.

There are so many ways we don’t love and value ourselves—in work, relationships, etc. A lot of us don’t even know what it MEANS to love ourselves because there is no functional knowledge of what a healthy relationship is. We may think we know, but it’s usually based on unrealistic expectations. Our partners are actually a mirror for us; we attract people exactly where we are as far as emotional health and availability. If we’re closed off and look for someone who is more open, thinking they can help US be more open, we won’t find them because that’s not what we’ll attract. In order to attract and receive love, you need to have love for yourself. The focus needs to be you, not the other person.

There are many ways to look at self-love, but when it comes to attached relationships, the best place to start is by dispelling the fantasy and looking at reality. Look at your choices and why you make them. Look at how you hold other people responsible for your emotions. See others for who they are, not for who you want them to be. Deal with the disappointment of your relationship not living up to your expectations. Self-love ultimately comes down to self-responsibility. Take a hard look at your role instead of feeling like a victim. That’s how you take care of you. That’s how you value you. That’s how you start down the path to self-love, which leads to truly, authentically loving others… and being truly, authentically loved in return.

There are so many ways we don’t love and value ourselves—in work, relationships, etc. A lot of us don’t even know what it MEANS to love ourselves because there is no functional knowledge of what a healthy relationship is. We may think we know, but it’s usually based on unrealistic expectations. Our partners are actually a mirror for us; we attract people exactly where we are as far as emotional health and availability. If we’re closed off and look for someone who is more open, thinking they can help US be more open, we won’t find them because that’s not what we’ll attract. In order to attract and receive love, you need to have love for yourself. The focus needs to be you, not the other person.

There are many ways to look at self-love, but when it comes to attached relationships, the best place to start is by dispelling the fantasy and looking at reality. Look at your choices and why you make them. Look at how you hold other people responsible for your emotions. See others for who they are, not for who you want them to be. Deal with the disappointment of your relationship not living up to your expectations. Self-love ultimately comes down to self-responsibility. Take a hard look at your role instead of feeling like a victim. That’s how you take care of you. That’s how you value you. That’s how you start down the path to self-love, which leads to truly, authentically loving others… and being truly, authentically loved in return.

There are so many ways we don’t love and value ourselves—in work, relationships, etc. A lot of us don’t even know what it MEANS to love ourselves because there is no functional knowledge of what a healthy relationship is. We may think we know, but it’s usually based on unrealistic expectations. Our partners are actually a mirror for us; we attract people exactly where we are as far as emotional health and availability. If we’re closed off and look for someone who is more open, thinking they can help US be more open, we won’t find them because that’s not what we’ll attract. In order to attract and receive love, you need to have love for yourself. The focus needs to be you, not the other person.

There are many ways to look at self-love, but when it comes to attached relationships, the best place to start is by dispelling the fantasy and looking at reality. Look at your choices and why you make them. Look at how you hold other people responsible for your emotions. See others for who they are, not for who you want them to be. Deal with the disappointment of your relationship not living up to your expectations. Self-love ultimately comes down to self-responsibility. Take a hard look at your role instead of feeling like a victim. That’s how you take care of you. That’s how you value you. That’s how you start down the path to self-love, which leads to truly, authentically loving others… and being truly, authentically loved in return.