Freedom from Attachment

Most people don’t say it out loud, or even recognize why they hold themselves back from personal growth… but sometimes they fear losing their partner. When people come to me for help, one of the first questions they ask is if they can do this work and still stay with their partner. Even if they want to leave because the relationship is full of dysfunction, they are deeply attached and looking for ways around it.

Many are stuck in scarcity, thinking there won’t be another person to love them. It’s safer to stay. Or they fear abandonment, with anxiety creeping up and panic at the back of their throat. The threat of being abandoned keeps them from doing anything to rock the boat, staying stuck. When in this place, people don’t know what they would do without their partner; they can’t imagine it. Their focus is on maintaining control over the current situation to keep it all the same… even though they want change. Change is HARD. It means letting go of outcomes and allowing yourself to be who you authentically are. It means letting the chips fall where they may (not manipulating) and feeling good doing it. Join me to learn more about personal growth when in an attached relationship.

Are you afraid of the impression you give others, and how they perceive you? This is a huge problem in our society, making it impossible to be real. If you focus on others, you are disconnected from yourself and your emotions. And if there is a particular way you need to be seen, you have an expectation; an attachment to how they feel toward you. The thing is, you have no control over someone else’s thoughts and feelings. You may THINK you have an impact, but you truly have no clue what’s going on inside of them.

Fear of giving the wrong impression (appearing needy, overbearing, weak, etc.) keeps you in a mental construct of compartmentalization, trying to separate your emotions from your behavior… or numbing. It puts you in the land of “I don’t want,” trying to control others because you don’t want to feel your actual feelings.

“I don’t want this person to think I’m in love with him/her.”

“I don’t want this person to hate me.”

“I don’t want this person to go away.”

It’s mental manipulation. Sometimes we do it so much we don’t even know how we truly feel because we’re too busy protecting ourselves from the fear of appearing wrong, bad or unworthy. We’re afraid the illusion of who we project ourselves to be will crumble, leaving a flawed human being in its place, open and exposed. The idea of that exposure is so terrifying, we go to great lengths to ensure it doesn’t happen. But to be seen as fallible opens the door to authenticity—a happier, more fulfilled place to live because it’s not built on fantasy. It’s a place of reality where you get to be you, something that takes much less effort.

Are you afraid of the impression you give others, and how they perceive you? This is a huge problem in our society, making it impossible to be real. If you focus on others, you are disconnected from yourself and your emotions. And if there is a particular way you need to be seen, you have an expectation; an attachment to how they feel toward you. The thing is, you have no control over someone else’s thoughts and feelings. You may THINK you have an impact, but you truly have no clue what’s going on inside of them.

Fear of giving the wrong impression (appearing needy, overbearing, weak, etc.) keeps you in a mental construct of compartmentalization, trying to separate your emotions from your behavior… or numbing. It puts you in the land of “I don’t want,” trying to control others because you don’t want to feel your actual feelings.

“I don’t want this person to think I’m in love with him/her.”

“I don’t want this person to hate me.”

“I don’t want this person to go away.”

It’s mental manipulation. Sometimes we do it so much we don’t even know how we truly feel because we’re too busy protecting ourselves from the fear of appearing wrong, bad or unworthy. We’re afraid the illusion of who we project ourselves to be will crumble, leaving a flawed human being in its place, open and exposed. The idea of that exposure is so terrifying, we go to great lengths to ensure it doesn’t happen. But to be seen as fallible opens the door to authenticity—a happier, more fulfilled place to live because it’s not built on fantasy. It’s a place of reality where you get to be you, something that takes much less effort.

Are you afraid of the impression you give others, and how they perceive you? This is a huge problem in our society, making it impossible to be real. If you focus on others, you are disconnected from yourself and your emotions. And if there is a particular way you need to be seen, you have an expectation; an attachment to how they feel toward you. The thing is, you have no control over someone else’s thoughts and feelings. You may THINK you have an impact, but you truly have no clue what’s going on inside of them.

Fear of giving the wrong impression (appearing needy, overbearing, weak, etc.) keeps you in a mental construct of compartmentalization, trying to separate your emotions from your behavior… or numbing. It puts you in the land of “I don’t want,” trying to control others because you don’t want to feel your actual feelings.

“I don’t want this person to think I’m in love with him/her.”

“I don’t want this person to hate me.”

“I don’t want this person to go away.”

It’s mental manipulation. Sometimes we do it so much we don’t even know how we truly feel because we’re too busy protecting ourselves from the fear of appearing wrong, bad or unworthy. We’re afraid the illusion of who we project ourselves to be will crumble, leaving a flawed human being in its place, open and exposed. The idea of that exposure is so terrifying, we go to great lengths to ensure it doesn’t happen. But to be seen as fallible opens the door to authenticity—a happier, more fulfilled place to live because it’s not built on fantasy. It’s a place of reality where you get to be you, something that takes much less effort.

Attachment issues are big among my podcast listeners; there’s a reason I have an entire series devoted to it! But there is a difference between those who are ATTACHED to their attached relationship, and those who truly want to let go. You need to honestly ask yourself: Are you more comfortable with the devil you know, or are you willing to do the hard work needed to make a change?

Deciding you have value and wanting to move out of a dysfunctional relationship is one of the hardest things to do. I remember being chained to a relationship I didn’t want, yet no matter how many times I broke up with him or refused to talk to him, it never made those attachment feelings go away. Fear keeps us stuck in these relationships, and it’s where I lived for a long time. I felt a total loss of control over myself and my relationship, like I couldn’t get a handle on either. Fear of commitment showed up too, as it often does. Attached relationships are perfect for those of us who don’t want to commit to ourselves because we never have to. I couldn’t see how much I was settling because I was more concerned with the safety of the familiar. I unconsciously hoped he would rescue me from the empty space inside, and I held onto that, waiting. It’s an illusion that keeps us stuck, not sure we’re ready to leave our emotionally comfortable, yet painful place. Because what if one day things magically change…

While deciding you truly WANT a healthy relationship is the first step, the next step isn’t necessarily letting go of your attached relationship. Sometimes we do this prematurely and jump right into another one because we don’t take the time to learn. Check in with your feelings, notice your reactions, see what triggers your partner hits and where they come from. It’s also important to honor the dysfunctional space you’re in without beating yourself up. You CAN have a healthy, happy relationship. But you have to truly want it. Do you?

Attachment issues are big among my podcast listeners; there’s a reason I have an entire series devoted to it! But there is a difference between those who are ATTACHED to their attached relationship, and those who truly want to let go. You need to honestly ask yourself: Are you more comfortable with the devil you know, or are you willing to do the hard work needed to make a change?

Deciding you have value and wanting to move out of a dysfunctional relationship is one of the hardest things to do. I remember being chained to a relationship I didn’t want, yet no matter how many times I broke up with him or refused to talk to him, it never made those attachment feelings go away. Fear keeps us stuck in these relationships, and it’s where I lived for a long time. I felt a total loss of control over myself and my relationship, like I couldn’t get a handle on either. Fear of commitment showed up too, as it often does. Attached relationships are perfect for those of us who don’t want to commit to ourselves because we never have to. I couldn’t see how much I was settling because I was more concerned with the safety of the familiar. I unconsciously hoped he would rescue me from the empty space inside, and I held onto that, waiting. It’s an illusion that keeps us stuck, not sure we’re ready to leave our emotionally comfortable, yet painful place. Because what if one day things magically change…

While deciding you truly WANT a healthy relationship is the first step, the next step isn’t necessarily letting go of your attached relationship. Sometimes we do this prematurely and jump right into another one because we don’t take the time to learn. Check in with your feelings, notice your reactions, see what triggers your partner hits and where they come from. It’s also important to honor the dysfunctional space you’re in without beating yourself up. You CAN have a healthy, happy relationship. But you have to truly want it. Do you?

Attachment issues are big among my podcast listeners; there’s a reason I have an entire series devoted to it! But there is a difference between those who are ATTACHED to their attached relationship, and those who truly want to let go. You need to honestly ask yourself: Are you more comfortable with the devil you know, or are you willing to do the hard work needed to make a change?

Deciding you have value and wanting to move out of a dysfunctional relationship is one of the hardest things to do. I remember being chained to a relationship I didn’t want, yet no matter how many times I broke up with him or refused to talk to him, it never made those attachment feelings go away. Fear keeps us stuck in these relationships, and it’s where I lived for a long time. I felt a total loss of control over myself and my relationship, like I couldn’t get a handle on either. Fear of commitment showed up too, as it often does. Attached relationships are perfect for those of us who don’t want to commit to ourselves because we never have to. I couldn’t see how much I was settling because I was more concerned with the safety of the familiar. I unconsciously hoped he would rescue me from the empty space inside, and I held onto that, waiting. It’s an illusion that keeps us stuck, not sure we’re ready to leave our emotionally comfortable, yet painful place. Because what if one day things magically change…

While deciding you truly WANT a healthy relationship is the first step, the next step isn’t necessarily letting go of your attached relationship. Sometimes we do this prematurely and jump right into another one because we don’t take the time to learn. Check in with your feelings, notice your reactions, see what triggers your partner hits and where they come from. It’s also important to honor the dysfunctional space you’re in without beating yourself up. You CAN have a healthy, happy relationship. But you have to truly want it. Do you?

How much do you participate in your relationships? Not just romantically— I’m also talking family, friends, co-workers, etc. Do you put forth effort, or do you look for the other person to do all the work? We may think we put energy toward relationships, but some of us wait for signs that it’s safe to proceed because we don’t want to put forth effort unless we’re sure the other person will reciprocate. Being in that place, however, doesn’t feel good. It’s actually quite lonely and makes us feel powerless. I’m not suggesting you should pull all the weight yourself (that’s a whole separate topic), but you need to look at where you hold back and why.

Fear underlies our unwillingness to participate—fear that we’ll be engulfed or appear needy. Fear that the other person is somehow doing us a favor by being in our life, and wondering if they really even like us. Growing up we may not have learned what it takes to be an active participant in relationships, so we might take the passive approach and believe if people want us around, they’ll call. And then we have to decide to come out of hiding and engage or stay closed. In dating, when we’re not connecting because we’re waiting for the other person to “do it first,” we’re leading with fear. And in these cases, we’re just as responsible for the state of the relationship as the other person. Vulnerability and intimacy are essential. We have to open up and say what is true for us instead of waiting until we feel safe, which won’t come from outside of us anyway.

The next time you find yourself holding back, look at your “why.” What are you afraid of losing… or maybe even gaining? What negative belief is operating? Do you think something is wrong with you or that you’re not worth the other person’s time and attention? It all comes back to you. To have healthy relationships that aren’t lopsided, you need to start fully participating.

How much do you participate in your relationships? Not just romantically— I’m also talking family, friends, co-workers, etc. Do you put forth effort, or do you look for the other person to do all the work? We may think we put energy toward relationships, but some of us wait for signs that it’s safe to proceed because we don’t want to put forth effort unless we’re sure the other person will reciprocate. Being in that place, however, doesn’t feel good. It’s actually quite lonely and makes us feel powerless. I’m not suggesting you should pull all the weight yourself (that’s a whole separate topic), but you need to look at where you hold back and why.

Fear underlies our unwillingness to participate—fear that we’ll be engulfed or appear needy. Fear that the other person is somehow doing us a favor by being in our life, and wondering if they really even like us. Growing up we may not have learned what it takes to be an active participant in relationships, so we might take the passive approach and believe if people want us around, they’ll call. And then we have to decide to come out of hiding and engage or stay closed. In dating, when we’re not connecting because we’re waiting for the other person to “do it first,” we’re leading with fear. And in these cases, we’re just as responsible for the state of the relationship as the other person. Vulnerability and intimacy are essential. We have to open up and say what is true for us instead of waiting until we feel safe, which won’t come from outside of us anyway.

The next time you find yourself holding back, look at your “why.” What are you afraid of losing… or maybe even gaining? What negative belief is operating? Do you think something is wrong with you or that you’re not worth the other person’s time and attention? It all comes back to you. To have healthy relationships that aren’t lopsided, you need to start fully participating.

How much do you participate in your relationships? Not just romantically— I’m also talking family, friends, co-workers, etc. Do you put forth effort, or do you look for the other person to do all the work? We may think we put energy toward relationships, but some of us wait for signs that it’s safe to proceed because we don’t want to put forth effort unless we’re sure the other person will reciprocate. Being in that place, however, doesn’t feel good. It’s actually quite lonely and makes us feel powerless. I’m not suggesting you should pull all the weight yourself (that’s a whole separate topic), but you need to look at where you hold back and why.

Fear underlies our unwillingness to participate—fear that we’ll be engulfed or appear needy. Fear that the other person is somehow doing us a favor by being in our life, and wondering if they really even like us. Growing up we may not have learned what it takes to be an active participant in relationships, so we might take the passive approach and believe if people want us around, they’ll call. And then we have to decide to come out of hiding and engage or stay closed. In dating, when we’re not connecting because we’re waiting for the other person to “do it first,” we’re leading with fear. And in these cases, we’re just as responsible for the state of the relationship as the other person. Vulnerability and intimacy are essential. We have to open up and say what is true for us instead of waiting until we feel safe, which won’t come from outside of us anyway.

The next time you find yourself holding back, look at your “why.” What are you afraid of losing… or maybe even gaining? What negative belief is operating? Do you think something is wrong with you or that you’re not worth the other person’s time and attention? It all comes back to you. To have healthy relationships that aren’t lopsided, you need to start fully participating.