In an insecurely attached relationship where your needs aren’t being met, there is a tendency to think of your partner as the enemy (think about the words you use to describe him or her). On a deeper level, it feels as though he/she is working against you and deliberately making you unhappy. When your partner isn’t giving you what you want, your entire focus is on him/her because you think they are withholding. Maybe they gave you want you wanted at some point, or so you thought, but it wasn’t what you REALLY wanted because you never connected with your own deeper needs. So you were left with a feeling of lack; of not enough. Attachment always goes with lack… along with its friend “blame." When we don’t feel our needs are being met, we have been taught to blame the other person. We build a case against them because we’re not happy, making it a black-and-white issue of one person being “good” and the other “bad.”

When you look at your mate as the villain because they aren’t fulfilling your needs, it is not a partnership. You become defensive and untrusting, operating on autopilot (so you may not even notice what you’re doing). It is a fantastic distraction from your own feelings and desires. For a truly happy relationship, stop looking at the other person as the enemy or as the reason you feel the way you do, and instead focus on what you aren’t giving yourself. If you don’t take care of your own needs (and know what they are), no one else will be able to.

In an insecurely attached relationship where your needs aren’t being met, there is a tendency to think of your partner as the enemy (think about the words you use to describe him or her). On a deeper level, it feels as though he/she is working against you and deliberately making you unhappy. When your partner isn’t giving you what you want, your entire focus is on him/her because you think they are withholding. Maybe they gave you want you wanted at some point, or so you thought, but it wasn’t what you REALLY wanted because you never connected with your own deeper needs. So you were left with a feeling of lack; of not enough. Attachment always goes with lack… along with its friend “blame." When we don’t feel our needs are being met, we have been taught to blame the other person. We build a case against them because we’re not happy, making it a black-and-white issue of one person being “good” and the other “bad.”

When you look at your mate as the villain because they aren’t fulfilling your needs, it is not a partnership. You become defensive and untrusting, operating on autopilot (so you may not even notice what you’re doing). It is a fantastic distraction from your own feelings and desires. For a truly happy relationship, stop looking at the other person as the enemy or as the reason you feel the way you do, and instead focus on what you aren’t giving yourself. If you don’t take care of your own needs (and know what they are), no one else will be able to.

Many of us think we’re complicated; we’re “too much” in certain ways and “not enough” in others. This creates heaviness and struggle because we believe we’re difficult to figure out. It’s really just a mental construct, however, designed to keep our defenses up so we can avoid anything emotionally that might challenge this perception. We THINK we allow people in when we feel a swirl of intense emotions, but that intensity is based on past, unresolved issues rather than the present relationship. These past fears (rejection, abandonment, etc.) create our perception that we are not good enough, yet at the same time we’re too much to handle. It all feels very complicated, like we come to relationships with piles of luggage.

Fortunately, this is not the only way to live; there is a choice. To stop complicating your relationships, get in touch with your true wants and desires. This happens at the level of the heart, by the way, not the head. Your head is what complicates everything. When you vulnerably state your desires to your partner and act in accordance with them, the complexity unravels and a sense of ease results. You essentially bulldoze the B.S. you’ve been telling yourself, allowing yourself to be open to the unknown.

My clients tell me all the time they are a lot to handle, which is familiar because I used to say the same thing. When I look at my relationship now, however, there is no “handling” of who I am because I already let go of my old façade. Once I connected with who I was and what I wanted, I was able to surrender, releasing the struggle I had previously created. It’s a shift from living mentally to living emotionally, and while it requires the discomfort of vulnerability, it really is a simpler, more fulfilled existence. We are ALL enough. The complexity we’ve identified with ourselves isn’t real—it’s just a means of avoiding our true selves.

Many of us think we’re complicated; we’re “too much” in certain ways and “not enough” in others. This creates heaviness and struggle because we believe we’re difficult to figure out. It’s really just a mental construct, however, designed to keep our defenses up so we can avoid anything emotionally that might challenge this perception. We THINK we allow people in when we feel a swirl of intense emotions, but that intensity is based on past, unresolved issues rather than the present relationship. These past fears (rejection, abandonment, etc.) create our perception that we are not good enough, yet at the same time we’re too much to handle. It all feels very complicated, like we come to relationships with piles of luggage.

Fortunately, this is not the only way to live; there is a choice. To stop complicating your relationships, get in touch with your true wants and desires. This happens at the level of the heart, by the way, not the head. Your head is what complicates everything. When you vulnerably state your desires to your partner and act in accordance with them, the complexity unravels and a sense of ease results. You essentially bulldoze the B.S. you’ve been telling yourself, allowing yourself to be open to the unknown.

My clients tell me all the time they are a lot to handle, which is familiar because I used to say the same thing. When I look at my relationship now, however, there is no “handling” of who I am because I already let go of my old façade. Once I connected with who I was and what I wanted, I was able to surrender, releasing the struggle I had previously created. It’s a shift from living mentally to living emotionally, and while it requires the discomfort of vulnerability, it really is a simpler, more fulfilled existence. We are ALL enough. The complexity we’ve identified with ourselves isn’t real—it’s just a means of avoiding our true selves.

Many of us think we’re complicated; we’re “too much” in certain ways and “not enough” in others. This creates heaviness and struggle because we believe we’re difficult to figure out. It’s really just a mental construct, however, designed to keep our defenses up so we can avoid anything emotionally that might challenge this perception. We THINK we allow people in when we feel a swirl of intense emotions, but that intensity is based on past, unresolved issues rather than the present relationship. These past fears (rejection, abandonment, etc.) create our perception that we are not good enough, yet at the same time we’re too much to handle. It all feels very complicated, like we come to relationships with piles of luggage.

Fortunately, this is not the only way to live; there is a choice. To stop complicating your relationships, get in touch with your true wants and desires. This happens at the level of the heart, by the way, not the head. Your head is what complicates everything. When you vulnerably state your desires to your partner and act in accordance with them, the complexity unravels and a sense of ease results. You essentially bulldoze the B.S. you’ve been telling yourself, allowing yourself to be open to the unknown.

My clients tell me all the time they are a lot to handle, which is familiar because I used to say the same thing. When I look at my relationship now, however, there is no “handling” of who I am because I already let go of my old façade. Once I connected with who I was and what I wanted, I was able to surrender, releasing the struggle I had previously created. It’s a shift from living mentally to living emotionally, and while it requires the discomfort of vulnerability, it really is a simpler, more fulfilled existence. We are ALL enough. The complexity we’ve identified with ourselves isn’t real—it’s just a means of avoiding our true selves.

Early childhood is where avoidant seeds take root. If you fall into this category of insecurely attached Avoidants, you probably developed a pseudo-independent identity, going to great lengths to prove you could take care of yourself. You acted like a little adult, holding yourself to pretty strict standards. This self-sufficiency carried over into actual adulthood where you had little or no desire to seek help and support from others. “I’m fine,” you’d say, when you were anything but.

This self-containment becomes threatened inside intimate relationships. We avoid vulnerability because revealing our true selves may lead to rejection or abandonment. This results in not fully committing; we keep one foot out so we can focus on other distractions. Or we avoid relationships altogether, coping with our repressed emotions and asserting our “independence” by resisting vulnerability and intimacy. But then attachment needs kick in, activating anxiety over the fact we’re alone. What a painful pattern to live in, right? This is the Anxious/Avoidant attachment type at play.

That was me for a long time—my mom actually used to call me her little soldier. But it IS possible to change. The pattern was learned, so it can be unlearned. What it really comes down to is your value. You may put on a brave, confident face (and wear your independent badge of honor), but underneath is the fear of being found out. You protect yourself by choosing safe partners who do not trigger you, therefore keeping your façade intact where your true self can remain a mystery. This doesn’t feel good or lead to a fulfilling existence. It just keeps you stuck in those old patterns and beliefs around your perceived value. In this podcast I’ll provide some tools to release you from this self-made prison so you can open up to receive the support every human needs and deserves.

Early childhood is where avoidant seeds take root. If you fall into this category of insecurely attached Avoidants, you probably developed a pseudo-independent identity, going to great lengths to prove you could take care of yourself. You acted like a little adult, holding yourself to pretty strict standards. This self-sufficiency carried over into actual adulthood where you had little or no desire to seek help and support from others. “I’m fine,” you’d say, when you were anything but.

This self-containment becomes threatened inside intimate relationships. We avoid vulnerability because revealing our true selves may lead to rejection or abandonment. This results in not fully committing; we keep one foot out so we can focus on other distractions. Or we avoid relationships altogether, coping with our repressed emotions and asserting our “independence” by resisting vulnerability and intimacy. But then attachment needs kick in, activating anxiety over the fact we’re alone. What a painful pattern to live in, right? This is the Anxious/Avoidant attachment type at play.

That was me for a long time—my mom actually used to call me her little soldier. But it IS possible to change. The pattern was learned, so it can be unlearned. What it really comes down to is your value. You may put on a brave, confident face (and wear your independent badge of honor), but underneath is the fear of being found out. You protect yourself by choosing safe partners who do not trigger you, therefore keeping your façade intact where your true self can remain a mystery. This doesn’t feel good or lead to a fulfilling existence. It just keeps you stuck in those old patterns and beliefs around your perceived value. In this podcast I’ll provide some tools to release you from this self-made prison so you can open up to receive the support every human needs and deserves.

Early childhood is where avoidant seeds take root. If you fall into this category of insecurely attached Avoidants, you probably developed a pseudo-independent identity, going to great lengths to prove you could take care of yourself. You acted like a little adult, holding yourself to pretty strict standards. This self-sufficiency carried over into actual adulthood where you had little or no desire to seek help and support from others. “I’m fine,” you’d say, when you were anything but.

This self-containment becomes threatened inside intimate relationships. We avoid vulnerability because revealing our true selves may lead to rejection or abandonment. This results in not fully committing; we keep one foot out so we can focus on other distractions. Or we avoid relationships altogether, coping with our repressed emotions and asserting our “independence” by resisting vulnerability and intimacy. But then attachment needs kick in, activating anxiety over the fact we’re alone. What a painful pattern to live in, right? This is the Anxious/Avoidant attachment type at play.

That was me for a long time—my mom actually used to call me her little soldier. But it IS possible to change. The pattern was learned, so it can be unlearned. What it really comes down to is your value. You may put on a brave, confident face (and wear your independent badge of honor), but underneath is the fear of being found out. You protect yourself by choosing safe partners who do not trigger you, therefore keeping your façade intact where your true self can remain a mystery. This doesn’t feel good or lead to a fulfilling existence. It just keeps you stuck in those old patterns and beliefs around your perceived value. In this podcast I’ll provide some tools to release you from this self-made prison so you can open up to receive the support every human needs and deserves.

Most of us fight like crazy to remain exactly where we are; it’s the way our subconscious tries to protect us. I watch it happen daily with clients, other people and even with myself. We want to stand still while life slowly adapts around us… yet we remain resistant to any change we can’t control. We force ourselves down one road while completely ignoring the other routes. Why? Because we weren’t taught to be open and believe in abundance. We completely missed that part of life’s journey because who knew it was even “part” of the journey?

People who seek out change (i.e. working with me) are in some sort of pain, usually stemming from dissatisfaction with their circumstances. They want relief, but don’t know how to get it. While doing this work, some experience small, mental shifts and believe they’re moving into new territory, but they are still fighting to remain in their comfort zone. True emotional change requires a lot of discomfort, and most people don’t want to go there. Why would you choose the painful route when you can take an easier one? Because the easy path leads you in a circle right back to where you are. We want to believe that if enough pixie dust is sprinkled, the road to joy and fulfillment will be pain free. Oh how I wish that were true. Nope, you have to get really uncomfortable and deal with eruptions of negative emotions to make change happen… otherwise you’re just redecorating your comfort zone.

Most of us fight like crazy to remain exactly where we are; it’s the way our subconscious tries to protect us. I watch it happen daily with clients, other people and even with myself. We want to stand still while life slowly adapts around us… yet we remain resistant to any change we can’t control. We force ourselves down one road while completely ignoring the other routes. Why? Because we weren’t taught to be open and believe in abundance. We completely missed that part of life’s journey because who knew it was even “part” of the journey?

People who seek out change (i.e. working with me) are in some sort of pain, usually stemming from dissatisfaction with their circumstances. They want relief, but don’t know how to get it. While doing this work, some experience small, mental shifts and believe they’re moving into new territory, but they are still fighting to remain in their comfort zone. True emotional change requires a lot of discomfort, and most people don’t want to go there. Why would you choose the painful route when you can take an easier one? Because the easy path leads you in a circle right back to where you are. We want to believe that if enough pixie dust is sprinkled, the road to joy and fulfillment will be pain free. Oh how I wish that were true. Nope, you have to get really uncomfortable and deal with eruptions of negative emotions to make change happen… otherwise you’re just redecorating your comfort zone.