While we may be aware of our distrust of love, we often identify our fears as negative (i.e. rejection or abandonment). But often it’s fear of positive emotions—more specifically intimacy—that keeps love elusive. Those of us who fear intimacy actually want it quite badly, but feel we don’t deserve it because our negative beliefs are always running in the background. We pick “safe” partners who don’t require vulnerability, enabling us to hide.

Avoidance of intimacy usually goes back to childhood, when we felt an inconsistency of emotional care. Maybe we experienced rejection, neglect or emotional pain, causing us to shut down. We learned NOT to rely on others for connections because it was perceived as unsafe. Then as adults we tend to create a push/pull effect, pushing our partner away or hiding from their affection, but then pulling them closer if we fear them leaving. We try to make ourselves less lovable, withholding our desirable qualities, in an effort to create distance because deep down we’re afraid of being loved.

Our subconscious is smart, protecting us from perceived harm, which is why we simultaneously crave intimacy but avoid it like the plague. Acting from this fear keeps our negative self-image alive, and we avoid experiencing the deeper connections of a healthy relationship. Opening yourself up to intimacy is a step-by-step process that requires emotional risk. It doesn’t happen all at once, so you have to be willing to stand in the discomfort of these feelings, both feet firmly planted in the fear. Keep them there and you’ll begin to open up to love.

While we may be aware of our distrust of love, we often identify our fears as negative (i.e. rejection or abandonment). But often it’s fear of positive emotions—more specifically intimacy—that keeps love elusive. Those of us who fear intimacy actually want it quite badly, but feel we don’t deserve it because our negative beliefs are always running in the background. We pick “safe” partners who don’t require vulnerability, enabling us to hide.

Avoidance of intimacy usually goes back to childhood, when we felt an inconsistency of emotional care. Maybe we experienced rejection, neglect or emotional pain, causing us to shut down. We learned NOT to rely on others for connections because it was perceived as unsafe. Then as adults we tend to create a push/pull effect, pushing our partner away or hiding from their affection, but then pulling them closer if we fear them leaving. We try to make ourselves less lovable, withholding our desirable qualities, in an effort to create distance because deep down we’re afraid of being loved.

Our subconscious is smart, protecting us from perceived harm, which is why we simultaneously crave intimacy but avoid it like the plague. Acting from this fear keeps our negative self-image alive, and we avoid experiencing the deeper connections of a healthy relationship. Opening yourself up to intimacy is a step-by-step process that requires emotional risk. It doesn’t happen all at once, so you have to be willing to stand in the discomfort of these feelings, both feet firmly planted in the fear. Keep them there and you’ll begin to open up to love.

While we may be aware of our distrust of love, we often identify our fears as negative (i.e. rejection or abandonment). But often it’s fear of positive emotions—more specifically intimacy—that keeps love elusive. Those of us who fear intimacy actually want it quite badly, but feel we don’t deserve it because our negative beliefs are always running in the background. We pick “safe” partners who don’t require vulnerability, enabling us to hide.

Avoidance of intimacy usually goes back to childhood, when we felt an inconsistency of emotional care. Maybe we experienced rejection, neglect or emotional pain, causing us to shut down. We learned NOT to rely on others for connections because it was perceived as unsafe. Then as adults we tend to create a push/pull effect, pushing our partner away or hiding from their affection, but then pulling them closer if we fear them leaving. We try to make ourselves less lovable, withholding our desirable qualities, in an effort to create distance because deep down we’re afraid of being loved.

Our subconscious is smart, protecting us from perceived harm, which is why we simultaneously crave intimacy but avoid it like the plague. Acting from this fear keeps our negative self-image alive, and we avoid experiencing the deeper connections of a healthy relationship. Opening yourself up to intimacy is a step-by-step process that requires emotional risk. It doesn’t happen all at once, so you have to be willing to stand in the discomfort of these feelings, both feet firmly planted in the fear. Keep them there and you’ll begin to open up to love.

Most people with insecure attachment don’t know the first thing about having fun. We THINK we let loose at times, but we really don’t. There’s a limit because we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. We think something is bound to go wrong, so we only allow ourselves to experience life halfway. If we don’t go “all in,” there’s a (false) sense we’re protecting ourselves from an inevitable fall.

But when we blunt or block negative emotions, the same happens to the positive ones. We can’t selectively experience joy while suppressing fear, disappointment or sadness. It doesn’t work that way. As a result, we limit ourselves. Living full out actually requires courage because it opens you up to the full spectrum of emotions. It says you trust yourself enough to handle it without being swallowed up or sucked down the rabbit hole. That’s hard to do.

I was called “serious” for much of my life. In my relationships I could never fully relax and have fun because I was always on guard, hypervigilant. But this tension created drama (which we insecurely attached people subconsciously manifest because it’s familiar), leading to a roller-coaster of emotions. Ironic how, in an effort to dull negative emotions, we end up doing the opposite! I couldn’t feel the depth of my exaggerated emotions, which were attached to fantasy—to hope—not reality. We mistake intensity for fun.

The sad thing is, we have no idea how much we actively avoid fun, missing out on life. Fun requires full emotional presence, allowing and accepting whatever may come. It does not result from trying to control, manipulate, hide or avoid. To fully experience joy, you have to let go and trust that you can handle whatever feelings emerge. Otherwise you’re living half a life… and where is the fun in that?

Most people with insecure attachment don’t know the first thing about having fun. We THINK we let loose at times, but we really don’t. There’s a limit because we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. We think something is bound to go wrong, so we only allow ourselves to experience life halfway. If we don’t go “all in,” there’s a (false) sense we’re protecting ourselves from an inevitable fall.

But when we blunt or block negative emotions, the same happens to the positive ones. We can’t selectively experience joy while suppressing fear, disappointment or sadness. It doesn’t work that way. As a result, we limit ourselves. Living full out actually requires courage because it opens you up to the full spectrum of emotions. It says you trust yourself enough to handle it without being swallowed up or sucked down the rabbit hole. That’s hard to do.

I was called “serious” for much of my life. In my relationships I could never fully relax and have fun because I was always on guard, hypervigilant. But this tension created drama (which we insecurely attached people subconsciously manifest because it’s familiar), leading to a roller-coaster of emotions. Ironic how, in an effort to dull negative emotions, we end up doing the opposite! I couldn’t feel the depth of my exaggerated emotions, which were attached to fantasy—to hope—not reality. We mistake intensity for fun.

The sad thing is, we have no idea how much we actively avoid fun, missing out on life. Fun requires full emotional presence, allowing and accepting whatever may come. It does not result from trying to control, manipulate, hide or avoid. To fully experience joy, you have to let go and trust that you can handle whatever feelings emerge. Otherwise you’re living half a life… and where is the fun in that?

Most people with insecure attachment don’t know the first thing about having fun. We THINK we let loose at times, but we really don’t. There’s a limit because we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. We think something is bound to go wrong, so we only allow ourselves to experience life halfway. If we don’t go “all in,” there’s a (false) sense we’re protecting ourselves from an inevitable fall.

But when we blunt or block negative emotions, the same happens to the positive ones. We can’t selectively experience joy while suppressing fear, disappointment or sadness. It doesn’t work that way. As a result, we limit ourselves. Living full out actually requires courage because it opens you up to the full spectrum of emotions. It says you trust yourself enough to handle it without being swallowed up or sucked down the rabbit hole. That’s hard to do.

I was called “serious” for much of my life. In my relationships I could never fully relax and have fun because I was always on guard, hypervigilant. But this tension created drama (which we insecurely attached people subconsciously manifest because it’s familiar), leading to a roller-coaster of emotions. Ironic how, in an effort to dull negative emotions, we end up doing the opposite! I couldn’t feel the depth of my exaggerated emotions, which were attached to fantasy—to hope—not reality. We mistake intensity for fun.

The sad thing is, we have no idea how much we actively avoid fun, missing out on life. Fun requires full emotional presence, allowing and accepting whatever may come. It does not result from trying to control, manipulate, hide or avoid. To fully experience joy, you have to let go and trust that you can handle whatever feelings emerge. Otherwise you’re living half a life… and where is the fun in that?

We human beings are contradictory creatures: we say we want one thing, but do another. We think our lives are driven by fate or circumstances outside of us because we aren’t aware of the core beliefs running the show, often based in scarcity. Do you think life has dealt you a bad hand?

We forget we have choices, and that we have control over the ones we make. Recently a client told me he didn’t want his dysfunctional relationship to end because if he broke things off, she might find someone better, which would invalidate him and make him feel alone. Plus he had a fear of missing out. Missing out on what you ask? The best thing that could have happened to him! For this dysfunctional relationship to somehow become the relationship of his dreams and he’d miss out, if he left. That fear of missing out scared him into believing leaving might be the wrong choice. He was stuck right where he was, in this painful relationship, missing out on potential happiness with someone else.

Scarcity can make us believe that mediocre or painful situations are the only road to happiness, and because we’re afraid of missing out on that happiness, we stay in painful situations. It’s like we’re waiting for our happiness prize at the end of misery. This means we do not commit to better because the unknown might be worse (or at least no better). Why risk it? The unknown has scarcity attached to it. What if there IS no one better for us? What if there IS no better job? We fear losing what we have in pursuit of something better, so it’s safer to settle. If we believed in abundance, however (i.e. a plentitude of great partners, jobs, life opportunities, etc.), there would be no need to stay with what’s painful. We would have faith that letting go of what we have would make room for something better. To catch a bigger fish, you first need to release the guppy in your hand. Learn why an abundant mindset will lead you away from FOMO.

We human beings are contradictory creatures: we say we want one thing, but do another. We think our lives are driven by fate or circumstances outside of us because we aren’t aware of the core beliefs running the show, often based in scarcity. Do you think life has dealt you a bad hand?

We forget we have choices, and that we have control over the ones we make. Recently a client told me he didn’t want his dysfunctional relationship to end because if he broke things off, she might find someone better, which would invalidate him and make him feel alone. Plus he had a fear of missing out. Missing out on what you ask? The best thing that could have happened to him! For this dysfunctional relationship to somehow become the relationship of his dreams and he’d miss out, if he left. That fear of missing out scared him into believing leaving might be the wrong choice. He was stuck right where he was, in this painful relationship, missing out on potential happiness with someone else.

Scarcity can make us believe that mediocre or painful situations are the only road to happiness, and because we’re afraid of missing out on that happiness, we stay in painful situations. It’s like we’re waiting for our happiness prize at the end of misery. This means we do not commit to better because the unknown might be worse (or at least no better). Why risk it? The unknown has scarcity attached to it. What if there IS no one better for us? What if there IS no better job? We fear losing what we have in pursuit of something better, so it’s safer to settle. If we believed in abundance, however (i.e. a plentitude of great partners, jobs, life opportunities, etc.), there would be no need to stay with what’s painful. We would have faith that letting go of what we have would make room for something better. To catch a bigger fish, you first need to release the guppy in your hand. Learn why an abundant mindset will lead you away from FOMO.

We human beings are contradictory creatures: we say we want one thing, but do another. We think our lives are driven by fate or circumstances outside of us because we aren’t aware of the core beliefs running the show, often based in scarcity. Do you think life has dealt you a bad hand?

We forget we have choices, and that we have control over the ones we make. Recently a client told me he didn’t want his dysfunctional relationship to end because if he broke things off, she might find someone better, which would invalidate him and make him feel alone. Plus he had a fear of missing out. Missing out on what you ask? The best thing that could have happened to him! For this dysfunctional relationship to somehow become the relationship of his dreams and he’d miss out, if he left. That fear of missing out scared him into believing leaving might be the wrong choice. He was stuck right where he was, in this painful relationship, missing out on potential happiness with someone else.

Scarcity can make us believe that mediocre or painful situations are the only road to happiness, and because we’re afraid of missing out on that happiness, we stay in painful situations. It’s like we’re waiting for our happiness prize at the end of misery. This means we do not commit to better because the unknown might be worse (or at least no better). Why risk it? The unknown has scarcity attached to it. What if there IS no one better for us? What if there IS no better job? We fear losing what we have in pursuit of something better, so it’s safer to settle. If we believed in abundance, however (i.e. a plentitude of great partners, jobs, life opportunities, etc.), there would be no need to stay with what’s painful. We would have faith that letting go of what we have would make room for something better. To catch a bigger fish, you first need to release the guppy in your hand. Learn why an abundant mindset will lead you away from FOMO.

People in insecurely attached relationships tend to put their partner on a pedestal, then knock them off every time they do not come through (which is often). This serves as a fantastic distraction from our negative feelings about ourselves, allowing us to focus on the other person and how they keep failing us. We believe the object of our desire withholds from us or punishes us because we are not as good as him or her, but we hope one day we’ll measure up. By all accounts we see them as perfect and ourselves as imperfect, thinking they can do no wrong… until they do. Over and over.

When we put people on a pedestal we expect the impossible from them; we want a fantasy to come true. We believe they are so much better than previous people we have dated and have unrealistic expectations of what they will bring to our lives. Unfortunately they let us down, showing us their human flaws. When the relationship ends, we blame them, but it’s really ourselves we have to blame because never had a realistic view of the relationship. We were living in fantasyland. Learn why we put people on pedestals and how focusing on your own feelings is the path to breaking that pattern.