Freedom from Attachment

Even those of us who have done work on ourselves have patterns that are difficult to break, especially when it comes to relationships. You’ll have moments when you are emotionally triggered, wondering why you are having such a strong reaction to something seemingly innocent. It’s because it actually has nothing to do with the present; it’s all based on past pain. These triggers are like a time machine, taking you back to that moment (or moments) when you felt alone, not good enough, not important, not loveable, imperfect, etc. It can be especially frustrating when it’s something you thought you had already worked through. But no, there it is, staring you in the face again.

Dating and being in a relationship challenges you and everything you think you’ve “dealt” with. It brings old emotions to the surface without warning or rational explanation. Old pain will show up when you least expect it (or want it), making you feel like you’re on some twisted emotional roller coaster. I’m here to tell you… you can handle it. Buckling yourself in and allowing the flood of emotions is the path to emotional freedom and healthier relationships. While not particularly fun, you will grow infinitely more by allowing the triggers than if you stay single, safely away from their reach.

The pain can’t be shoved down forever. It will eventually come up, needing to be healed. If you want a healthy, happy relationship, you have to allow the eruption of feelings, then challenge your beliefs that fuel them. It’s about changing your perspective based on what you know NOW and adjusting your expectations. Old pain lurks, waiting for an opportunity to surface. By trusting that you can handle it and continuing to love yourself, you will stop being imprisoned by it. It’s a process that takes time, but when you release the pain and challenge your beliefs, the triggers start to lose their power.

We have a lot of conditions around what magic needs to show up looking like, otherwise we discount it. We say we’re open to receiving, but if we watch our words and actions, we’ll notice how often we set up obstacles. We’ll force or push to have it come our way, in our time, but when we do that, do we end up with fulfilling results? Or have we just twisted magic up into a pretzel?

Magic ONLY works with ease. When you surrender to the unknown and allow it… however it chooses to show up. You’ll witness pieces of your life coming together, bringing opportunities in spectacular measure. But it needs its own space and time—it will not show up according to your agenda. A lot of us base what we want on what we do not have, which is limiting and rooted in our past. When you surrender to creativity, desire and positive energy (not force), you get out of your own way and allow what wants to be born.

If you focus on cultivating an overall sense of well-being, you’ll pay more attention to your thoughts, words and actions. Are they in alignment with feeling good? If not, you’re blocking it. Magic comes from your heart. Your ego has no role here because your mind will just recreate the same thoughts, leading you down the same path. When you shift toward receiving through creative action, fun and not being attached to a specific outcome, magic does happen. My life is a testament. We don’t know what will ultimately fulfill us, so we have to trust. That’s the magic of… magic.

We have a lot of conditions around what magic needs to show up looking like, otherwise we discount it. We say we’re open to receiving, but if we watch our words and actions, we’ll notice how often we set up obstacles. We’ll force or push to have it come our way, in our time, but when we do that, do we end up with fulfilling results? Or have we just twisted magic up into a pretzel?

Magic ONLY works with ease. When you surrender to the unknown and allow it… however it chooses to show up. You’ll witness pieces of your life coming together, bringing opportunities in spectacular measure. But it needs its own space and time—it will not show up according to your agenda. A lot of us base what we want on what we do not have, which is limiting and rooted in our past. When you surrender to creativity, desire and positive energy (not force), you get out of your own way and allow what wants to be born.

If you focus on cultivating an overall sense of well-being, you’ll pay more attention to your thoughts, words and actions. Are they in alignment with feeling good? If not, you’re blocking it. Magic comes from your heart. Your ego has no role here because your mind will just recreate the same thoughts, leading you down the same path. When you shift toward receiving through creative action, fun and not being attached to a specific outcome, magic does happen. My life is a testament. We don’t know what will ultimately fulfill us, so we have to trust. That’s the magic of… magic.

We have a lot of conditions around what magic needs to show up looking like, otherwise we discount it. We say we’re open to receiving, but if we watch our words and actions, we’ll notice how often we set up obstacles. We’ll force or push to have it come our way, in our time, but when we do that, do we end up with fulfilling results? Or have we just twisted magic up into a pretzel?

Magic ONLY works with ease. When you surrender to the unknown and allow it… however it chooses to show up. You’ll witness pieces of your life coming together, bringing opportunities in spectacular measure. But it needs its own space and time—it will not show up according to your agenda. A lot of us base what we want on what we do not have, which is limiting and rooted in our past. When you surrender to creativity, desire and positive energy (not force), you get out of your own way and allow what wants to be born.

If you focus on cultivating an overall sense of well-being, you’ll pay more attention to your thoughts, words and actions. Are they in alignment with feeling good? If not, you’re blocking it. Magic comes from your heart. Your ego has no role here because your mind will just recreate the same thoughts, leading you down the same path. When you shift toward receiving through creative action, fun and not being attached to a specific outcome, magic does happen. My life is a testament. We don’t know what will ultimately fulfill us, so we have to trust. That’s the magic of… magic.

In an insecurely attached relationship where your needs aren’t being met, there is a tendency to think of your partner as the enemy (think about the words you use to describe him or her). On a deeper level, it feels as though he/she is working against you and deliberately making you unhappy. When your partner isn’t giving you what you want, your entire focus is on him/her because you think they are withholding. Maybe they gave you want you wanted at some point, or so you thought, but it wasn’t what you REALLY wanted because you never connected with your own deeper needs. So you were left with a feeling of lack; of not enough. Attachment always goes with lack… along with its friend “blame." When we don’t feel our needs are being met, we have been taught to blame the other person. We build a case against them because we’re not happy, making it a black-and-white issue of one person being “good” and the other “bad.”

When you look at your mate as the villain because they aren’t fulfilling your needs, it is not a partnership. You become defensive and untrusting, operating on autopilot (so you may not even notice what you’re doing). It is a fantastic distraction from your own feelings and desires. For a truly happy relationship, stop looking at the other person as the enemy or as the reason you feel the way you do, and instead focus on what you aren’t giving yourself. If you don’t take care of your own needs (and know what they are), no one else will be able to.

In an insecurely attached relationship where your needs aren’t being met, there is a tendency to think of your partner as the enemy (think about the words you use to describe him or her). On a deeper level, it feels as though he/she is working against you and deliberately making you unhappy. When your partner isn’t giving you what you want, your entire focus is on him/her because you think they are withholding. Maybe they gave you want you wanted at some point, or so you thought, but it wasn’t what you REALLY wanted because you never connected with your own deeper needs. So you were left with a feeling of lack; of not enough. Attachment always goes with lack… along with its friend “blame." When we don’t feel our needs are being met, we have been taught to blame the other person. We build a case against them because we’re not happy, making it a black-and-white issue of one person being “good” and the other “bad.”

When you look at your mate as the villain because they aren’t fulfilling your needs, it is not a partnership. You become defensive and untrusting, operating on autopilot (so you may not even notice what you’re doing). It is a fantastic distraction from your own feelings and desires. For a truly happy relationship, stop looking at the other person as the enemy or as the reason you feel the way you do, and instead focus on what you aren’t giving yourself. If you don’t take care of your own needs (and know what they are), no one else will be able to.

In an insecurely attached relationship where your needs aren’t being met, there is a tendency to think of your partner as the enemy (think about the words you use to describe him or her). On a deeper level, it feels as though he/she is working against you and deliberately making you unhappy. When your partner isn’t giving you what you want, your entire focus is on him/her because you think they are withholding. Maybe they gave you want you wanted at some point, or so you thought, but it wasn’t what you REALLY wanted because you never connected with your own deeper needs. So you were left with a feeling of lack; of not enough. Attachment always goes with lack… along with its friend “blame." When we don’t feel our needs are being met, we have been taught to blame the other person. We build a case against them because we’re not happy, making it a black-and-white issue of one person being “good” and the other “bad.”

When you look at your mate as the villain because they aren’t fulfilling your needs, it is not a partnership. You become defensive and untrusting, operating on autopilot (so you may not even notice what you’re doing). It is a fantastic distraction from your own feelings and desires. For a truly happy relationship, stop looking at the other person as the enemy or as the reason you feel the way you do, and instead focus on what you aren’t giving yourself. If you don’t take care of your own needs (and know what they are), no one else will be able to.

Many of us think we’re complicated; we’re “too much” in certain ways and “not enough” in others. This creates heaviness and struggle because we believe we’re difficult to figure out. It’s really just a mental construct, however, designed to keep our defenses up so we can avoid anything emotionally that might challenge this perception. We THINK we allow people in when we feel a swirl of intense emotions, but that intensity is based on past, unresolved issues rather than the present relationship. These past fears (rejection, abandonment, etc.) create our perception that we are not good enough, yet at the same time we’re too much to handle. It all feels very complicated, like we come to relationships with piles of luggage.

Fortunately, this is not the only way to live; there is a choice. To stop complicating your relationships, get in touch with your true wants and desires. This happens at the level of the heart, by the way, not the head. Your head is what complicates everything. When you vulnerably state your desires to your partner and act in accordance with them, the complexity unravels and a sense of ease results. You essentially bulldoze the B.S. you’ve been telling yourself, allowing yourself to be open to the unknown.

My clients tell me all the time they are a lot to handle, which is familiar because I used to say the same thing. When I look at my relationship now, however, there is no “handling” of who I am because I already let go of my old façade. Once I connected with who I was and what I wanted, I was able to surrender, releasing the struggle I had previously created. It’s a shift from living mentally to living emotionally, and while it requires the discomfort of vulnerability, it really is a simpler, more fulfilled existence. We are ALL enough. The complexity we’ve identified with ourselves isn’t real—it’s just a means of avoiding our true selves.

Many of us think we’re complicated; we’re “too much” in certain ways and “not enough” in others. This creates heaviness and struggle because we believe we’re difficult to figure out. It’s really just a mental construct, however, designed to keep our defenses up so we can avoid anything emotionally that might challenge this perception. We THINK we allow people in when we feel a swirl of intense emotions, but that intensity is based on past, unresolved issues rather than the present relationship. These past fears (rejection, abandonment, etc.) create our perception that we are not good enough, yet at the same time we’re too much to handle. It all feels very complicated, like we come to relationships with piles of luggage.

Fortunately, this is not the only way to live; there is a choice. To stop complicating your relationships, get in touch with your true wants and desires. This happens at the level of the heart, by the way, not the head. Your head is what complicates everything. When you vulnerably state your desires to your partner and act in accordance with them, the complexity unravels and a sense of ease results. You essentially bulldoze the B.S. you’ve been telling yourself, allowing yourself to be open to the unknown.

My clients tell me all the time they are a lot to handle, which is familiar because I used to say the same thing. When I look at my relationship now, however, there is no “handling” of who I am because I already let go of my old façade. Once I connected with who I was and what I wanted, I was able to surrender, releasing the struggle I had previously created. It’s a shift from living mentally to living emotionally, and while it requires the discomfort of vulnerability, it really is a simpler, more fulfilled existence. We are ALL enough. The complexity we’ve identified with ourselves isn’t real—it’s just a means of avoiding our true selves.

Many of us think we’re complicated; we’re “too much” in certain ways and “not enough” in others. This creates heaviness and struggle because we believe we’re difficult to figure out. It’s really just a mental construct, however, designed to keep our defenses up so we can avoid anything emotionally that might challenge this perception. We THINK we allow people in when we feel a swirl of intense emotions, but that intensity is based on past, unresolved issues rather than the present relationship. These past fears (rejection, abandonment, etc.) create our perception that we are not good enough, yet at the same time we’re too much to handle. It all feels very complicated, like we come to relationships with piles of luggage.

Fortunately, this is not the only way to live; there is a choice. To stop complicating your relationships, get in touch with your true wants and desires. This happens at the level of the heart, by the way, not the head. Your head is what complicates everything. When you vulnerably state your desires to your partner and act in accordance with them, the complexity unravels and a sense of ease results. You essentially bulldoze the B.S. you’ve been telling yourself, allowing yourself to be open to the unknown.

My clients tell me all the time they are a lot to handle, which is familiar because I used to say the same thing. When I look at my relationship now, however, there is no “handling” of who I am because I already let go of my old façade. Once I connected with who I was and what I wanted, I was able to surrender, releasing the struggle I had previously created. It’s a shift from living mentally to living emotionally, and while it requires the discomfort of vulnerability, it really is a simpler, more fulfilled existence. We are ALL enough. The complexity we’ve identified with ourselves isn’t real—it’s just a means of avoiding our true selves.