Freedom from Attachment

Early childhood is where avoidant seeds take root. If you fall into this category of insecurely attached Avoidants, you probably developed a pseudo-independent identity, going to great lengths to prove you could take care of yourself. You acted like a little adult, holding yourself to pretty strict standards. This self-sufficiency carried over into actual adulthood where you had little or no desire to seek help and support from others. “I’m fine,” you’d say, when you were anything but.

This self-containment becomes threatened inside intimate relationships. We avoid vulnerability because revealing our true selves may lead to rejection or abandonment. This results in not fully committing; we keep one foot out so we can focus on other distractions. Or we avoid relationships altogether, coping with our repressed emotions and asserting our “independence” by resisting vulnerability and intimacy. But then attachment needs kick in, activating anxiety over the fact we’re alone. What a painful pattern to live in, right? This is the Anxious/Avoidant attachment type at play.

That was me for a long time—my mom actually used to call me her little soldier. But it IS possible to change. The pattern was learned, so it can be unlearned. What it really comes down to is your value. You may put on a brave, confident face (and wear your independent badge of honor), but underneath is the fear of being found out. You protect yourself by choosing safe partners who do not trigger you, therefore keeping your façade intact where your true self can remain a mystery. This doesn’t feel good or lead to a fulfilling existence. It just keeps you stuck in those old patterns and beliefs around your perceived value. In this podcast I’ll provide some tools to release you from this self-made prison so you can open up to receive the support every human needs and deserves.

Early childhood is where avoidant seeds take root. If you fall into this category of insecurely attached Avoidants, you probably developed a pseudo-independent identity, going to great lengths to prove you could take care of yourself. You acted like a little adult, holding yourself to pretty strict standards. This self-sufficiency carried over into actual adulthood where you had little or no desire to seek help and support from others. “I’m fine,” you’d say, when you were anything but.

This self-containment becomes threatened inside intimate relationships. We avoid vulnerability because revealing our true selves may lead to rejection or abandonment. This results in not fully committing; we keep one foot out so we can focus on other distractions. Or we avoid relationships altogether, coping with our repressed emotions and asserting our “independence” by resisting vulnerability and intimacy. But then attachment needs kick in, activating anxiety over the fact we’re alone. What a painful pattern to live in, right? This is the Anxious/Avoidant attachment type at play.

That was me for a long time—my mom actually used to call me her little soldier. But it IS possible to change. The pattern was learned, so it can be unlearned. What it really comes down to is your value. You may put on a brave, confident face (and wear your independent badge of honor), but underneath is the fear of being found out. You protect yourself by choosing safe partners who do not trigger you, therefore keeping your façade intact where your true self can remain a mystery. This doesn’t feel good or lead to a fulfilling existence. It just keeps you stuck in those old patterns and beliefs around your perceived value. In this podcast I’ll provide some tools to release you from this self-made prison so you can open up to receive the support every human needs and deserves.

Early childhood is where avoidant seeds take root. If you fall into this category of insecurely attached Avoidants, you probably developed a pseudo-independent identity, going to great lengths to prove you could take care of yourself. You acted like a little adult, holding yourself to pretty strict standards. This self-sufficiency carried over into actual adulthood where you had little or no desire to seek help and support from others. “I’m fine,” you’d say, when you were anything but.

This self-containment becomes threatened inside intimate relationships. We avoid vulnerability because revealing our true selves may lead to rejection or abandonment. This results in not fully committing; we keep one foot out so we can focus on other distractions. Or we avoid relationships altogether, coping with our repressed emotions and asserting our “independence” by resisting vulnerability and intimacy. But then attachment needs kick in, activating anxiety over the fact we’re alone. What a painful pattern to live in, right? This is the Anxious/Avoidant attachment type at play.

That was me for a long time—my mom actually used to call me her little soldier. But it IS possible to change. The pattern was learned, so it can be unlearned. What it really comes down to is your value. You may put on a brave, confident face (and wear your independent badge of honor), but underneath is the fear of being found out. You protect yourself by choosing safe partners who do not trigger you, therefore keeping your façade intact where your true self can remain a mystery. This doesn’t feel good or lead to a fulfilling existence. It just keeps you stuck in those old patterns and beliefs around your perceived value. In this podcast I’ll provide some tools to release you from this self-made prison so you can open up to receive the support every human needs and deserves.

Most of us fight like crazy to remain exactly where we are; it’s the way our subconscious tries to protect us. I watch it happen daily with clients, other people and even with myself. We want to stand still while life slowly adapts around us… yet we remain resistant to any change we can’t control. We force ourselves down one road while completely ignoring the other routes. Why? Because we weren’t taught to be open and believe in abundance. We completely missed that part of life’s journey because who knew it was even “part” of the journey?

People who seek out change (i.e. working with me) are in some sort of pain, usually stemming from dissatisfaction with their circumstances. They want relief, but don’t know how to get it. While doing this work, some experience small, mental shifts and believe they’re moving into new territory, but they are still fighting to remain in their comfort zone. True emotional change requires a lot of discomfort, and most people don’t want to go there. Why would you choose the painful route when you can take an easier one? Because the easy path leads you in a circle right back to where you are. We want to believe that if enough pixie dust is sprinkled, the road to joy and fulfillment will be pain free. Oh how I wish that were true. Nope, you have to get really uncomfortable and deal with eruptions of negative emotions to make change happen… otherwise you’re just redecorating your comfort zone.

Most of us fight like crazy to remain exactly where we are; it’s the way our subconscious tries to protect us. I watch it happen daily with clients, other people and even with myself. We want to stand still while life slowly adapts around us… yet we remain resistant to any change we can’t control. We force ourselves down one road while completely ignoring the other routes. Why? Because we weren’t taught to be open and believe in abundance. We completely missed that part of life’s journey because who knew it was even “part” of the journey?

People who seek out change (i.e. working with me) are in some sort of pain, usually stemming from dissatisfaction with their circumstances. They want relief, but don’t know how to get it. While doing this work, some experience small, mental shifts and believe they’re moving into new territory, but they are still fighting to remain in their comfort zone. True emotional change requires a lot of discomfort, and most people don’t want to go there. Why would you choose the painful route when you can take an easier one? Because the easy path leads you in a circle right back to where you are. We want to believe that if enough pixie dust is sprinkled, the road to joy and fulfillment will be pain free. Oh how I wish that were true. Nope, you have to get really uncomfortable and deal with eruptions of negative emotions to make change happen… otherwise you’re just redecorating your comfort zone.

Most of us fight like crazy to remain exactly where we are; it’s the way our subconscious tries to protect us. I watch it happen daily with clients, other people and even with myself. We want to stand still while life slowly adapts around us… yet we remain resistant to any change we can’t control. We force ourselves down one road while completely ignoring the other routes. Why? Because we weren’t taught to be open and believe in abundance. We completely missed that part of life’s journey because who knew it was even “part” of the journey?

People who seek out change (i.e. working with me) are in some sort of pain, usually stemming from dissatisfaction with their circumstances. They want relief, but don’t know how to get it. While doing this work, some experience small, mental shifts and believe they’re moving into new territory, but they are still fighting to remain in their comfort zone. True emotional change requires a lot of discomfort, and most people don’t want to go there. Why would you choose the painful route when you can take an easier one? Because the easy path leads you in a circle right back to where you are. We want to believe that if enough pixie dust is sprinkled, the road to joy and fulfillment will be pain free. Oh how I wish that were true. Nope, you have to get really uncomfortable and deal with eruptions of negative emotions to make change happen… otherwise you’re just redecorating your comfort zone.

Avoidants tend to keep emotional intimacy at bay because, well, they avoid it out of fear. Most don’t know what it feels like based on past experiences; all they know is that it’s something scary. In a romantic context this usually plays out in one of two ways: avoiding sex altogether or keeping it casual.

People who are Anxious, however, have a dilemma. They desire emotional closeness, but have trouble maintaining it in a relationship and hope that by using sex as a substitute, they’ll get what they desire. They are not interested in casual encounters, but may compromise their boundaries to please the other person. The Anxious person does this in an effort to “convince” their mate to commit to a relationship. Sex, they believe, is the lever. If the physical attraction is so amazing, the other person won’t want to leave. This strong desire for intimacy drives them toward behavior that feels completely outside their control. The desire is like a drug, leading to a decreased feeling of value and lowered self-esteem.

Whether you are Avoidant, Anxious or a combination of both, the lack of emotional intimacy on both ends keeps the insecurely attached relationship intact. This podcast will help you better understand your sex-intimacy connection, how you can change this dynamic to see why you choose the people you do and how to stop reinforcing your intimacy fears.

Avoidants tend to keep emotional intimacy at bay because, well, they avoid it out of fear. Most don’t know what it feels like based on past experiences; all they know is that it’s something scary. In a romantic context this usually plays out in one of two ways: avoiding sex altogether or keeping it casual.

People who are Anxious, however, have a dilemma. They desire emotional closeness, but have trouble maintaining it in a relationship and hope that by using sex as a substitute, they’ll get what they desire. They are not interested in casual encounters, but may compromise their boundaries to please the other person. The Anxious person does this in an effort to “convince” their mate to commit to a relationship. Sex, they believe, is the lever. If the physical attraction is so amazing, the other person won’t want to leave. This strong desire for intimacy drives them toward behavior that feels completely outside their control. The desire is like a drug, leading to a decreased feeling of value and lowered self-esteem.

Whether you are Avoidant, Anxious or a combination of both, the lack of emotional intimacy on both ends keeps the insecurely attached relationship intact. This podcast will help you better understand your sex-intimacy connection, how you can change this dynamic to see why you choose the people you do and how to stop reinforcing your intimacy fears.

Avoidants tend to keep emotional intimacy at bay because, well, they avoid it out of fear. Most don’t know what it feels like based on past experiences; all they know is that it’s something scary. In a romantic context this usually plays out in one of two ways: avoiding sex altogether or keeping it casual.

People who are Anxious, however, have a dilemma. They desire emotional closeness, but have trouble maintaining it in a relationship and hope that by using sex as a substitute, they’ll get what they desire. They are not interested in casual encounters, but may compromise their boundaries to please the other person. The Anxious person does this in an effort to “convince” their mate to commit to a relationship. Sex, they believe, is the lever. If the physical attraction is so amazing, the other person won’t want to leave. This strong desire for intimacy drives them toward behavior that feels completely outside their control. The desire is like a drug, leading to a decreased feeling of value and lowered self-esteem.

Whether you are Avoidant, Anxious or a combination of both, the lack of emotional intimacy on both ends keeps the insecurely attached relationship intact. This podcast will help you better understand your sex-intimacy connection, how you can change this dynamic to see why you choose the people you do and how to stop reinforcing your intimacy fears.

I used to spend my life looking for perfection; someone who checked all the boxes. As you can imagine, it never led to a fulfilling relationship. Fast forward to present day where I’m in a relationship with a man with whom no checklist was used. When I let go of the idea of a perfect person and got clear on what I truly wanted, the perfect person for ME showed up, meeting me right where I was. Is he perfect? Hell no. And neither am I. But together we work because we’re able to reveal our warts and share our fears with our feet firmly planted in reality.

Perfection matters to Avoidants (and Anxious Avoidants) because you think it’s all you can handle. I know because that was me. Anything less is messy and requires vulnerability. So you have to dig deeper and ask yourself what about imperfection is so scary. What imperfections in yourself do you not accept? Think about that. What is so horrible or flawed that you want to hide it from someone under the veil of perfection? It’s all an illusion, and you realize that when you’re emotionally triggered. That trigger shocks you into reality, threatening your safety bubble where nothing imperfect exists. You’re forced to either confront the emotions that surface, or avoid them and retreat back to your bubble where you can absolve yourself of responsibility, making it about the other person. From that safe and cozy place you may start building a case against your partner, “See, he/she leaves socks lying around. I can’t deal with a messy person!” And suddenly the focus is on their “imperfection” instead of your feelings.

Once you stop looking for evidence that your partner is imperfect and using it as an excuse to distance yourself, you’re able to let go of control and deal with the uncertainty of reality. Perfection is a fantasy, and it serves to keep you away from love. Isn’t it time you get out of your safety bubble, stop building a case against happiness and look for someone imperfect… just like you?