Avoidants tend to keep emotional intimacy at bay because, well, they avoid it out of fear. Most don’t know what it feels like based on past experiences; all they know is that it’s something scary. In a romantic context this usually plays out in one of two ways: avoiding sex altogether or keeping it casual.

People who are Anxious, however, have a dilemma. They desire emotional closeness, but have trouble maintaining it in a relationship and hope that by using sex as a substitute, they’ll get what they desire. They are not interested in casual encounters, but may compromise their boundaries to please the other person. The Anxious person does this in an effort to “convince” their mate to commit to a relationship. Sex, they believe, is the lever. If the physical attraction is so amazing, the other person won’t want to leave. This strong desire for intimacy drives them toward behavior that feels completely outside their control. The desire is like a drug, leading to a decreased feeling of value and lowered self-esteem.

Whether you are Avoidant, Anxious or a combination of both, the lack of emotional intimacy on both ends keeps the insecurely attached relationship intact. This podcast will help you better understand your sex-intimacy connection, how you can change this dynamic to see why you choose the people you do and how to stop reinforcing your intimacy fears.