Freedom from Attachment

Most people with insecure attachment don’t know the first thing about having fun. We THINK we let loose at times, but we really don’t. There’s a limit because we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. We think something is bound to go wrong, so we only allow ourselves to experience life halfway. If we don’t go “all in,” there’s a (false) sense we’re protecting ourselves from an inevitable fall.

But when we blunt or block negative emotions, the same happens to the positive ones. We can’t selectively experience joy while suppressing fear, disappointment or sadness. It doesn’t work that way. As a result, we limit ourselves. Living full out actually requires courage because it opens you up to the full spectrum of emotions. It says you trust yourself enough to handle it without being swallowed up or sucked down the rabbit hole. That’s hard to do.

I was called “serious” for much of my life. In my relationships I could never fully relax and have fun because I was always on guard, hypervigilant. But this tension created drama (which we insecurely attached people subconsciously manifest because it’s familiar), leading to a roller-coaster of emotions. Ironic how, in an effort to dull negative emotions, we end up doing the opposite! I couldn’t feel the depth of my exaggerated emotions, which were attached to fantasy—to hope—not reality. We mistake intensity for fun.

The sad thing is, we have no idea how much we actively avoid fun, missing out on life. Fun requires full emotional presence, allowing and accepting whatever may come. It does not result from trying to control, manipulate, hide or avoid. To fully experience joy, you have to let go and trust that you can handle whatever feelings emerge. Otherwise you’re living half a life… and where is the fun in that?

We human beings are contradictory creatures: we say we want one thing, but do another. We think our lives are driven by fate or circumstances outside of us because we aren’t aware of the core beliefs running the show, often based in scarcity. Do you think life has dealt you a bad hand?

We forget we have choices, and that we have control over the ones we make. Recently a client told me he didn’t want his dysfunctional relationship to end because if he broke things off, she might find someone better, which would invalidate him and make him feel alone. Plus he had a fear of missing out. Missing out on what you ask? The best thing that could have happened to him! For this dysfunctional relationship to somehow become the relationship of his dreams and he’d miss out, if he left. That fear of missing out scared him into believing leaving might be the wrong choice. He was stuck right where he was, in this painful relationship, missing out on potential happiness with someone else.

Scarcity can make us believe that mediocre or painful situations are the only road to happiness, and because we’re afraid of missing out on that happiness, we stay in painful situations. It’s like we’re waiting for our happiness prize at the end of misery. This means we do not commit to better because the unknown might be worse (or at least no better). Why risk it? The unknown has scarcity attached to it. What if there IS no one better for us? What if there IS no better job? We fear losing what we have in pursuit of something better, so it’s safer to settle. If we believed in abundance, however (i.e. a plentitude of great partners, jobs, life opportunities, etc.), there would be no need to stay with what’s painful. We would have faith that letting go of what we have would make room for something better. To catch a bigger fish, you first need to release the guppy in your hand. Learn why an abundant mindset will lead you away from FOMO.

We human beings are contradictory creatures: we say we want one thing, but do another. We think our lives are driven by fate or circumstances outside of us because we aren’t aware of the core beliefs running the show, often based in scarcity. Do you think life has dealt you a bad hand?

We forget we have choices, and that we have control over the ones we make. Recently a client told me he didn’t want his dysfunctional relationship to end because if he broke things off, she might find someone better, which would invalidate him and make him feel alone. Plus he had a fear of missing out. Missing out on what you ask? The best thing that could have happened to him! For this dysfunctional relationship to somehow become the relationship of his dreams and he’d miss out, if he left. That fear of missing out scared him into believing leaving might be the wrong choice. He was stuck right where he was, in this painful relationship, missing out on potential happiness with someone else.

Scarcity can make us believe that mediocre or painful situations are the only road to happiness, and because we’re afraid of missing out on that happiness, we stay in painful situations. It’s like we’re waiting for our happiness prize at the end of misery. This means we do not commit to better because the unknown might be worse (or at least no better). Why risk it? The unknown has scarcity attached to it. What if there IS no one better for us? What if there IS no better job? We fear losing what we have in pursuit of something better, so it’s safer to settle. If we believed in abundance, however (i.e. a plentitude of great partners, jobs, life opportunities, etc.), there would be no need to stay with what’s painful. We would have faith that letting go of what we have would make room for something better. To catch a bigger fish, you first need to release the guppy in your hand. Learn why an abundant mindset will lead you away from FOMO.

We human beings are contradictory creatures: we say we want one thing, but do another. We think our lives are driven by fate or circumstances outside of us because we aren’t aware of the core beliefs running the show, often based in scarcity. Do you think life has dealt you a bad hand?

We forget we have choices, and that we have control over the ones we make. Recently a client told me he didn’t want his dysfunctional relationship to end because if he broke things off, she might find someone better, which would invalidate him and make him feel alone. Plus he had a fear of missing out. Missing out on what you ask? The best thing that could have happened to him! For this dysfunctional relationship to somehow become the relationship of his dreams and he’d miss out, if he left. That fear of missing out scared him into believing leaving might be the wrong choice. He was stuck right where he was, in this painful relationship, missing out on potential happiness with someone else.

Scarcity can make us believe that mediocre or painful situations are the only road to happiness, and because we’re afraid of missing out on that happiness, we stay in painful situations. It’s like we’re waiting for our happiness prize at the end of misery. This means we do not commit to better because the unknown might be worse (or at least no better). Why risk it? The unknown has scarcity attached to it. What if there IS no one better for us? What if there IS no better job? We fear losing what we have in pursuit of something better, so it’s safer to settle. If we believed in abundance, however (i.e. a plentitude of great partners, jobs, life opportunities, etc.), there would be no need to stay with what’s painful. We would have faith that letting go of what we have would make room for something better. To catch a bigger fish, you first need to release the guppy in your hand. Learn why an abundant mindset will lead you away from FOMO.

People in insecurely attached relationships tend to put their partner on a pedestal, then knock them off every time they do not come through (which is often). This serves as a fantastic distraction from our negative feelings about ourselves, allowing us to focus on the other person and how they keep failing us. We believe the object of our desire withholds from us or punishes us because we are not as good as him or her, but we hope one day we’ll measure up. By all accounts we see them as perfect and ourselves as imperfect, thinking they can do no wrong… until they do. Over and over.

When we put people on a pedestal we expect the impossible from them; we want a fantasy to come true. We believe they are so much better than previous people we have dated and have unrealistic expectations of what they will bring to our lives. Unfortunately they let us down, showing us their human flaws. When the relationship ends, we blame them, but it’s really ourselves we have to blame because never had a realistic view of the relationship. We were living in fantasyland. Learn why we put people on pedestals and how focusing on your own feelings is the path to breaking that pattern.

People in insecurely attached relationships tend to put their partner on a pedestal, then knock them off every time they do not come through (which is often). This serves as a fantastic distraction from our negative feelings about ourselves, allowing us to focus on the other person and how they keep failing us. We believe the object of our desire withholds from us or punishes us because we are not as good as him or her, but we hope one day we’ll measure up. By all accounts we see them as perfect and ourselves as imperfect, thinking they can do no wrong… until they do. Over and over.

When we put people on a pedestal we expect the impossible from them; we want a fantasy to come true. We believe they are so much better than previous people we have dated and have unrealistic expectations of what they will bring to our lives. Unfortunately they let us down, showing us their human flaws. When the relationship ends, we blame them, but it’s really ourselves we have to blame because never had a realistic view of the relationship. We were living in fantasyland. Learn why we put people on pedestals and how focusing on your own feelings is the path to breaking that pattern.

People in insecurely attached relationships tend to put their partner on a pedestal, then knock them off every time they do not come through (which is often). This serves as a fantastic distraction from our negative feelings about ourselves, allowing us to focus on the other person and how they keep failing us. We believe the object of our desire withholds from us or punishes us because we are not as good as him or her, but we hope one day we’ll measure up. By all accounts we see them as perfect and ourselves as imperfect, thinking they can do no wrong… until they do. Over and over.

When we put people on a pedestal we expect the impossible from them; we want a fantasy to come true. We believe they are so much better than previous people we have dated and have unrealistic expectations of what they will bring to our lives. Unfortunately they let us down, showing us their human flaws. When the relationship ends, we blame them, but it’s really ourselves we have to blame because never had a realistic view of the relationship. We were living in fantasyland. Learn why we put people on pedestals and how focusing on your own feelings is the path to breaking that pattern.

As a kid, if you felt alone or abandoned (whether family was physically present or not), you learned to believe that was normal. Alone became safe because it’s what you knew. Fast-forward to your adult life where this manifests as a fear of ending up with 22 cats and a black-and-white TV. Because of your belief, you find it hard to connect with people. You may think no one “gets you” and that all your relationships are ultimately doomed, but you work hard at the mediocre ones because it’s better than ending up with 22 cats. You’re afraid of being alone, but at the same time your actions lead you toward it because it’s what you think you deserve.

Maybe you take on all the responsibility in a relationship so it makes it harder for your partner to leave (it doesn’t), but you also avoid intimate connections. You settle for breadcrumbs because you think it’s all you can handle. If someone offered you the full loaf, you wouldn’t know what to do with it anyway. All of this validates the “I am alone” belief, which gives you a sense of comfort on one hand because it’s familiar, but it also robs you of peace and well-being.

From my experience working with clients over the years, this is one of the most prevalent and hardest beliefs to kick. The lengths people will go to support it is astonishing, yet they have no clue they’re doing it. It’s subconscious sabotage. Breaking down the “I am alone” belief takes patience and emotional courage, but once you do, you will realize how YOU were the one keeping yourself single. You’ll see how all of your actions and patterns fed into your myopic perspective of what was possible. There is a whole universe beyond your negative beliefs, and once you start to discover them, surrender, accept, be open to receiving and say “I don’t know” with a sense of wonder for what’s possible, you will find yourself on the other side of “I am alone” for good.

As a kid, if you felt alone or abandoned (whether family was physically present or not), you learned to believe that was normal. Alone became safe because it’s what you knew. Fast-forward to your adult life where this manifests as a fear of ending up with 22 cats and a black-and-white TV. Because of your belief, you find it hard to connect with people. You may think no one “gets you” and that all your relationships are ultimately doomed, but you work hard at the mediocre ones because it’s better than ending up with 22 cats. You’re afraid of being alone, but at the same time your actions lead you toward it because it’s what you think you deserve.

Maybe you take on all the responsibility in a relationship so it makes it harder for your partner to leave (it doesn’t), but you also avoid intimate connections. You settle for breadcrumbs because you think it’s all you can handle. If someone offered you the full loaf, you wouldn’t know what to do with it anyway. All of this validates the “I am alone” belief, which gives you a sense of comfort on one hand because it’s familiar, but it also robs you of peace and well-being.

From my experience working with clients over the years, this is one of the most prevalent and hardest beliefs to kick. The lengths people will go to support it is astonishing, yet they have no clue they’re doing it. It’s subconscious sabotage. Breaking down the “I am alone” belief takes patience and emotional courage, but once you do, you will realize how YOU were the one keeping yourself single. You’ll see how all of your actions and patterns fed into your myopic perspective of what was possible. There is a whole universe beyond your negative beliefs, and once you start to discover them, surrender, accept, be open to receiving and say “I don’t know” with a sense of wonder for what’s possible, you will find yourself on the other side of “I am alone” for good.

As a kid, if you felt alone or abandoned (whether family was physically present or not), you learned to believe that was normal. Alone became safe because it’s what you knew. Fast-forward to your adult life where this manifests as a fear of ending up with 22 cats and a black-and-white TV. Because of your belief, you find it hard to connect with people. You may think no one “gets you” and that all your relationships are ultimately doomed, but you work hard at the mediocre ones because it’s better than ending up with 22 cats. You’re afraid of being alone, but at the same time your actions lead you toward it because it’s what you think you deserve.

Maybe you take on all the responsibility in a relationship so it makes it harder for your partner to leave (it doesn’t), but you also avoid intimate connections. You settle for breadcrumbs because you think it’s all you can handle. If someone offered you the full loaf, you wouldn’t know what to do with it anyway. All of this validates the “I am alone” belief, which gives you a sense of comfort on one hand because it’s familiar, but it also robs you of peace and well-being.

From my experience working with clients over the years, this is one of the most prevalent and hardest beliefs to kick. The lengths people will go to support it is astonishing, yet they have no clue they’re doing it. It’s subconscious sabotage. Breaking down the “I am alone” belief takes patience and emotional courage, but once you do, you will realize how YOU were the one keeping yourself single. You’ll see how all of your actions and patterns fed into your myopic perspective of what was possible. There is a whole universe beyond your negative beliefs, and once you start to discover them, surrender, accept, be open to receiving and say “I don’t know” with a sense of wonder for what’s possible, you will find yourself on the other side of “I am alone” for good.