Freedom from Attachment

Checklists show up in every area of our lives, serving as a means of distancing and staying safe: a “perfect” mate, job, friend, house, vacation, city to live in, etc. They are really just another set of rigid rules that keep us focused on the picture in our head instead of the reality in front of us. Checklists are usually built on our limited past; if we didn’t get what we wanted as children, this musty, dusty list keeps us trying to get those things in our present. Or it might be that you received X in the past, so you don’t expect the present to be any different or better. Your list keeps possibilities narrowly defined. Have you ever noticed you have this huge list, but you can never manage to tick everything off? It feels like work, pulling you AWAY from what you really want.

We think if we get our checklist just right, all our wants will be realized… or we can keep things safely the same (depending on our objective). It’s a means of trying to control outcomes, which never serves your true desires. You’re way better off chucking the checklists, being in the moment and feeling into what you really want. Forget about your job being in X industry or X town. Forget about all the “requirements” you have in a partner. They just keep you closed to possibilities. If you pay attention to your gut instead of the checklist, you’ll be led toward what you truly want. Learn why checklists keep you stuck and operating at the same level rather than expanding your life and leading to fulfillment.

Checklists show up in every area of our lives, serving as a means of distancing and staying safe: a “perfect” mate, job, friend, house, vacation, city to live in, etc. They are really just another set of rigid rules that keep us focused on the picture in our head instead of the reality in front of us. Checklists are usually built on our limited past; if we didn’t get what we wanted as children, this musty, dusty list keeps us trying to get those things in our present. Or it might be that you received X in the past, so you don’t expect the present to be any different or better. Your list keeps possibilities narrowly defined. Have you ever noticed you have this huge list, but you can never manage to tick everything off? It feels like work, pulling you AWAY from what you really want.

We think if we get our checklist just right, all our wants will be realized… or we can keep things safely the same (depending on our objective). It’s a means of trying to control outcomes, which never serves your true desires. You’re way better off chucking the checklists, being in the moment and feeling into what you really want. Forget about your job being in X industry or X town. Forget about all the “requirements” you have in a partner. They just keep you closed to possibilities. If you pay attention to your gut instead of the checklist, you’ll be led toward what you truly want. Learn why checklists keep you stuck and operating at the same level rather than expanding your life and leading to fulfillment.

Those of us stuck in attached relationships often believe we are only capable of having painful relationships, but really it’s just an inability to feel our feelings. When you don’t connect with yourself, you crave intensity and drama because it serves as a distraction to what’s really going on beneath the surface. You create drama to avoid your deeper emotions.

It’s a roller coaster: periods of numbness to stay within your comfort zone spiked with hits of intensity, pain and drama (after all, numb gets old after a while). You crave that next “hit” so YOU make it happen, even if it’s only in your reaction to the other person. Your perception of reality is viewed through the lens of “this relationship must be painful,” so you act and react accordingly. Intense reactions are usually based on past emotional trauma. When you catch yourself overreacting, it’s almost always an old hurt vs. the present situation.

But both ends of the spectrum—numbness and intensity—mask your true emotions. Look for these ups and downs in your relationships because it can really wake you up to the role you play. It can show you that peace, joy, excitement, fun and other positive states are missing from your life because you’re so focused on numbness and pain.

I know because I lived this roller coaster over and over. I never had the relationship I said I wanted because I avoided the deeper emotions a healthy relationship requires. So I had to dig into my deeper beliefs, and even look at my ability to have a healthy relationship with myself. Learn how to stop the numbness-intensity cycle and all the other B.S. you tell yourself about relationships.

Those of us stuck in attached relationships often believe we are only capable of having painful relationships, but really it’s just an inability to feel our feelings. When you don’t connect with yourself, you crave intensity and drama because it serves as a distraction to what’s really going on beneath the surface. You create drama to avoid your deeper emotions.

It’s a roller coaster: periods of numbness to stay within your comfort zone spiked with hits of intensity, pain and drama (after all, numb gets old after a while). You crave that next “hit” so YOU make it happen, even if it’s only in your reaction to the other person. Your perception of reality is viewed through the lens of “this relationship must be painful,” so you act and react accordingly. Intense reactions are usually based on past emotional trauma. When you catch yourself overreacting, it’s almost always an old hurt vs. the present situation.

But both ends of the spectrum—numbness and intensity—mask your true emotions. Look for these ups and downs in your relationships because it can really wake you up to the role you play. It can show you that peace, joy, excitement, fun and other positive states are missing from your life because you’re so focused on numbness and pain.

I know because I lived this roller coaster over and over. I never had the relationship I said I wanted because I avoided the deeper emotions a healthy relationship requires. So I had to dig into my deeper beliefs, and even look at my ability to have a healthy relationship with myself. Learn how to stop the numbness-intensity cycle and all the other B.S. you tell yourself about relationships.

Those of us stuck in attached relationships often believe we are only capable of having painful relationships, but really it’s just an inability to feel our feelings. When you don’t connect with yourself, you crave intensity and drama because it serves as a distraction to what’s really going on beneath the surface. You create drama to avoid your deeper emotions.

It’s a roller coaster: periods of numbness to stay within your comfort zone spiked with hits of intensity, pain and drama (after all, numb gets old after a while). You crave that next “hit” so YOU make it happen, even if it’s only in your reaction to the other person. Your perception of reality is viewed through the lens of “this relationship must be painful,” so you act and react accordingly. Intense reactions are usually based on past emotional trauma. When you catch yourself overreacting, it’s almost always an old hurt vs. the present situation.

But both ends of the spectrum—numbness and intensity—mask your true emotions. Look for these ups and downs in your relationships because it can really wake you up to the role you play. It can show you that peace, joy, excitement, fun and other positive states are missing from your life because you’re so focused on numbness and pain.

I know because I lived this roller coaster over and over. I never had the relationship I said I wanted because I avoided the deeper emotions a healthy relationship requires. So I had to dig into my deeper beliefs, and even look at my ability to have a healthy relationship with myself. Learn how to stop the numbness-intensity cycle and all the other B.S. you tell yourself about relationships.

For most of us we know commitment is a major undertaking, but when it comes to the commitment many of us make to ourselves, we do not realize we commit to feeling bad.

It isn't the only issue we carry, but if you look at your choices—how many do not feel good? We tend to overlook the personal pain we put ourselves through to make others happy, while hoping they may see us as we want them to. I used to do it—it was my pattern to commit to the same things over and over. I thought that was just the way I was, but then I realized my commitment to feeling bad was a choice, so something had to change. Once we clue into this being part of our belief system, we can change it, but it takes time. There is no quick fix.

Even in seeking out some form of help, we do not realize our bigger commitment to feeling bad. Change is far scarier. Most people don't commit to relationships or jobs out of love, they commit out of fear. They commit out of the fear of loss or scarcity. And when we seek out help, we aren’t necessarily ready to change that commitment. It’s a tall mountain to climb when it comes to learning to enjoy because fear gets in the way, and our commitment to it is what starts the drama because it’s what we know. This undermining creates problems, and it keeps us from changing.

In a relationship, it isn't the other person who is to blame. If you don’t feel safe, look at how you don't commit to things which feel good, and look at the things you do commit to (often on autopilot). What’s the difference? They both stem from fear because we often do not commit to things we love and commit to the familiar instead. Fear is very familiar.

I look at my own track record with commitment and what I've been willing to commit to and I'll tell you it was pure crap for a long time. I had no idea how to feel good so my choices reflected the quality of my life. I thought the answer was outside—somehow or some way things would change enough for me to feel okay. It wasn’t until I could trust myself and give myself a sense of safety where I found I could commit easily to joy and what feels good. I let go of commitments that did not serve me.

When will it be time to let go of being committed to misery and fear?

For most of us we know commitment is a major undertaking, but when it comes to the commitment many of us make to ourselves, we do not realize we commit to feeling bad.

It isn't the only issue we carry, but if you look at your choices—how many do not feel good? We tend to overlook the personal pain we put ourselves through to make others happy, while hoping they may see us as we want them to. I used to do it—it was my pattern to commit to the same things over and over. I thought that was just the way I was, but then I realized my commitment to feeling bad was a choice, so something had to change. Once we clue into this being part of our belief system, we can change it, but it takes time. There is no quick fix.

Even in seeking out some form of help, we do not realize our bigger commitment to feeling bad. Change is far scarier. Most people don't commit to relationships or jobs out of love, they commit out of fear. They commit out of the fear of loss or scarcity. And when we seek out help, we aren’t necessarily ready to change that commitment. It’s a tall mountain to climb when it comes to learning to enjoy because fear gets in the way, and our commitment to it is what starts the drama because it’s what we know. This undermining creates problems, and it keeps us from changing.

In a relationship, it isn't the other person who is to blame. If you don’t feel safe, look at how you don't commit to things which feel good, and look at the things you do commit to (often on autopilot). What’s the difference? They both stem from fear because we often do not commit to things we love and commit to the familiar instead. Fear is very familiar.

I look at my own track record with commitment and what I've been willing to commit to and I'll tell you it was pure crap for a long time. I had no idea how to feel good so my choices reflected the quality of my life. I thought the answer was outside—somehow or some way things would change enough for me to feel okay. It wasn’t until I could trust myself and give myself a sense of safety where I found I could commit easily to joy and what feels good. I let go of commitments that did not serve me.

When will it be time to let go of being committed to misery and fear?

For most of us we know commitment is a major undertaking, but when it comes to the commitment many of us make to ourselves, we do not realize we commit to feeling bad.

It isn't the only issue we carry, but if you look at your choices—how many do not feel good? We tend to overlook the personal pain we put ourselves through to make others happy, while hoping they may see us as we want them to. I used to do it—it was my pattern to commit to the same things over and over. I thought that was just the way I was, but then I realized my commitment to feeling bad was a choice, so something had to change. Once we clue into this being part of our belief system, we can change it, but it takes time. There is no quick fix.

Even in seeking out some form of help, we do not realize our bigger commitment to feeling bad. Change is far scarier. Most people don't commit to relationships or jobs out of love, they commit out of fear. They commit out of the fear of loss or scarcity. And when we seek out help, we aren’t necessarily ready to change that commitment. It’s a tall mountain to climb when it comes to learning to enjoy because fear gets in the way, and our commitment to it is what starts the drama because it’s what we know. This undermining creates problems, and it keeps us from changing.

In a relationship, it isn't the other person who is to blame. If you don’t feel safe, look at how you don't commit to things which feel good, and look at the things you do commit to (often on autopilot). What’s the difference? They both stem from fear because we often do not commit to things we love and commit to the familiar instead. Fear is very familiar.

I look at my own track record with commitment and what I've been willing to commit to and I'll tell you it was pure crap for a long time. I had no idea how to feel good so my choices reflected the quality of my life. I thought the answer was outside—somehow or some way things would change enough for me to feel okay. It wasn’t until I could trust myself and give myself a sense of safety where I found I could commit easily to joy and what feels good. I let go of commitments that did not serve me.

When will it be time to let go of being committed to misery and fear?

Feeling your feelings matters if you are interested in a truly fulfilling life and general sense of wellbeing. It’s hard to do because our patterns of thought attempt to “save us” from our emotions. We become overwhelmed by them, which is why we tend to avoid or compartmentalize, keeping our emotions at a distance. Many of us learned this in childhood. When we felt hurt, sad, lonely or unloved, we didn’t want that pain, so we disconnected. And that pattern carried over to adulthood where it has kept us stuck in fantasyland. It’s safer to believe an unrealistic or ideal story than to pay attention to how we actually feel about reality.

We live in fear of our feelings, keeping us stuck and unable to move forth. If we fear a situation will bring us pain, we avoid it. This leads to anxiety and discomfort… which just creates MORE feelings of unease. It really behooves you to feel what is there so you can unpack the pain-filled closet and let it go. When you stop resisting your emotions and let them out, it’s like releasing a pressure valve; each time you do it you release a little more pain. If you don’t, it will undermine all of your attempts at a positive sense of wellbeing.

Learn how to break the pattern of avoidance and change this dynamic with yourself. If you’re in a painful relationship, or can’t get over a past one, the only way out of the quagmire of negative emotions is to feel them. When faced with choosing to avoid your feelings or allow, always allow. I promise you’ll not only survive, you’ll actually start to see changes.

Feeling your feelings matters if you are interested in a truly fulfilling life and general sense of wellbeing. It’s hard to do because our patterns of thought attempt to “save us” from our emotions. We become overwhelmed by them, which is why we tend to avoid or compartmentalize, keeping our emotions at a distance. Many of us learned this in childhood. When we felt hurt, sad, lonely or unloved, we didn’t want that pain, so we disconnected. And that pattern carried over to adulthood where it has kept us stuck in fantasyland. It’s safer to believe an unrealistic or ideal story than to pay attention to how we actually feel about reality.

We live in fear of our feelings, keeping us stuck and unable to move forth. If we fear a situation will bring us pain, we avoid it. This leads to anxiety and discomfort… which just creates MORE feelings of unease. It really behooves you to feel what is there so you can unpack the pain-filled closet and let it go. When you stop resisting your emotions and let them out, it’s like releasing a pressure valve; each time you do it you release a little more pain. If you don’t, it will undermine all of your attempts at a positive sense of wellbeing.

Learn how to break the pattern of avoidance and change this dynamic with yourself. If you’re in a painful relationship, or can’t get over a past one, the only way out of the quagmire of negative emotions is to feel them. When faced with choosing to avoid your feelings or allow, always allow. I promise you’ll not only survive, you’ll actually start to see changes.